Ello.
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make
errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on
the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction
writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the
right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
So my next victim iiiis.... :P
On 4/20/05, Loki-L <loki.laufeyjarson.ffml@gmail.com> wrote:
Gmail? Wow. So you can send plaintext stuff with gmail? How did you ever manage to do it?
Legends turn to Myth
The key to predicting the future that shall come to pass lies in
understanding the past. In times of crisis it is important to remember
what has come before. I belive
believe
them banish for example the entire Silvermoon Cycle about the rise and
reign of the Bunny Queen Serena Moonfield into the realm of myth and to
consider characters like Ran'ma, the two-faced shifter to have been
wholly fictitious.
(sweatdrop) Er, might I ask _why_ you're using such an intro? And in case you do grant me the
permission... (deep breath) Why are you using such an intro? I'm not really getting the Eva feel
here, only the usual 'Ran'ma' and 'Bunny Queen' feel of the usual Sailor Moon/Ranma crossover. I
wonder why...? :P
Author: For the FFML's sake. It's FFML fanservice!
The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that
become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is almost forgotten
when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Age
of heroes by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose over
the bay that held the ruins of the sunken eastern capital. The wind was
not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning
of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.
The prose flows pretty well, from what I can see. It has a grand, epic theme to it, _and_ it
remains readable without choking it purple. It's a really descriptive prose that aims to impress
the readers with its grand scheme and design, not unlike how an orchestra in a movie tries to open
up a scene in the right mood.
[Soapbox: How grand... or is the narrative only trying to be grand? (ponders) In any case, I
couldn't help but hear trumpets roaring and a whole orchestra of violins and brass winds playing
themes reminiscent of epics such as LOTR as I read through your ostentatious, though not
necessarily choked-purple narrative. I have no problems with this per se, but my two cents on this
is that it reads a bit cheesy, as if it's struggling really, _really_ hard to impress the reader
with its grandeur. It reads to me like a very insecure prose. Intentional? Perhaps a setup to some
sort of 'surprise' 180-turn in the content?]
Inland it blew to the long plain where the human survivors of the great
cataclysm had rebuilt their city calling it the new eastern capital.
Suggest: Put the 'calling it the new eastern capital' in a separate sentence or revise it another
way, because the above sentence is about a hairbreadth close to becoming a run-on.
I've said it before in past C&Cs, and now I'll say it again... While it's a joy to make complex
and compound sentences, there are times when they're not necessary. As a general rule of thumb,
please do keep each of your thoughts confined in just one sentence; don't jumble them into a
sentence using semicolons, ellipses, conjunctions or whatnot.
Past
the dwellings of rulers and courtiers it blew on and on. Finally it
reached the unfinished building site that was already hailed as the city
that would replace the new capital.
What does the reader care about the unfinished building site being hailed as the city that would
replace the new capital? Does this IMO out-of-place thought add anything to the fic itself or is
it just an aside? If it's an aside, I suggest simply getting rid of it so that the flow of prose
isn't interrupted by it.
plaza where a curious sword hilt was peeking out of an unhewn
Suggest: uncut
Not every last verb with the prefix 'un' added to it makes for a correct word. Or perhaps it's one
of the newer words recently coined that hasn't been added to the dictionary as of yet, so correct
me if I'm wrong.
"I don't understand father why should I take this sword.
Suggest: "I don't understand, father. Why should I take this sword?
The boy was young and his bearing was full of insecurity and doubt,
Er, could you _not_ journalize about how young and insecure the boy was and simply portray through
more subtle means the description. Personally, I'd rather _experience_ a story instead of it being
told by me. OTOH, this isn't necessarily wrong, just a general preference of mine when reading
fics.
recreated here with the lore gained from this evil place? Hasn't our
family suffered enough from this already.
Replace the period after 'already' with a question mark.
"Yui?" the boy asked enraged. "How dare you name this thing that? How dare
you father!"
Suggest: How dare you, father!
When no answer was forthcoming the boy turned his back to the stone and
the assembled persons and left.
So this is the slightly more backboned Shinji of manga fame? Since you'vr introduced Shinji as
lacking confidence (i.e. practically told the reader that this fic's Shinji is 'insecure' and some
such), his defiant actions seems slightly OOC for him in consideration of that.
A little while later Shinji felt foolish about just walking away like
that. He had no horse, no provisions, no gold and few skills to acquire
any of it.
Strange, I get the feeling that Shinji's playing an RPG with an entry level character after
reading the above sentences.
Sooner or later he would be reduced to begging. His only choice was if he
wanted to beg in the streets for alms or return to his father to ask him
for enough gold to leave this place.
Well, so much for backbone. Like Hulk Hogan's backbone after doing a botched-up leg drop, Shinji's
just crumbled into dust. He's being his ol', irritatingly spineless self.
Shinji: So that's good news, right? I'm IC!
Suuuure it is, Shinji. Sure it is.
The street sounded more inviting he
Suggest putting a period, comma, or ellipsis after 'inviting'. The following phrase ("he would
only...") sounds like a separate thought altogether.
the old man at his fathers side had looked at him kindly.
at his father's side...
As he made his way back to the plaza suddenly bells started to ring.
Suggest: Suddenly, bells started to ring as he made his way back to the plaza.
Or: As he made his way back to the plaza, bells started to ring suddenly.
First
a distant bell to the east and then more and more bells in towers all over
the town took up the chime. People in the streets turned around and
started in other directions then they had been walking before.
One thought per sentence please, or at least two if it's a 'cause and effect' type of sentence (He
tripped and then fell.) The amount of thoughts you cram into one sentence makes them nearly
unreadable.
The bells must be a signal and obviously everyone here knew what it stood
for and what to do when it came.
And yet another car-wreck, run-on sentence over here. Actually, these run-on sentences are
littered all over the fic. To avoid unnecessary confusion and generally bad writing, I'd suggest
major revisions on these sentence patterns.
Shinji did not. Was it a warning of
danger or a call to arms? What danger could threaten such a city like this
and which enemy would dare to attack a place that was filled with so many
armed men.
Replace the period after 'men' with a question mark.
<<<<lots of snipping>>>
Okay, from what I've read so far, (even though the grammar isn't perfect by any stretch of the
imagination) you've characterized Shinji and his little introverted thoughts down pat. His little
suppositions and his mile a minute train of thoughts are quite apparent in the way the less than
perfect prose presents them. Congrats.
bases before they could get of a warning." A man reported.
warning," a man reported. (speech indicator)
"We can withstand any conventional attack, but without the child to wield
the sword we are doomed in the face of this enemy." another moaned.
Revise: enemy." Another moaned.
Or: enemy," another bemoaned. (Because 'bemoaned', in contrast to 'moan', is an actual speech
indicator like 'said', 'exclaimed', 'asked', and 'replied')
"But Shinji ran away,"
Gendo: That is to be expected.
the Katsuragi women objected,
O_o There's more than one Katsuragi woman in your fic? Aside from Misato? Are they talking in
(presumably drunken) chorus?
As if on cue a young blue haired girl Shinji's age
Revise: As if on cue, a young blue-haired girl about Shinji's age (correct punctuation goes a
long, long way)
was carried into the
gathering on a litter.
Litter of what? ?_?
She looked pale and sickly it was hard to imagine
that she would be able to add anything to the city's defense.
Please revise the above sentence. It's unsightly and substandard.
Suggest: She looked so pale and sickly that it was hard to imagine her adding anything to the
city's defense.
"I must register my protest," A fair-haired woman accompanying the
Revise: "I must register my protest," a fair-haired... (yet another case of speech indicators)
litter-bearers declared. "Rei is in no condition to fight. And even if
she was I would recommend
she was, I would recommend
against it; holding that cursed blade had almost
killed her the last time Rei attempted to use it."
Suggest: Replacing 'Rei' with a pronoun, 'coz it's quite obvious who Ritsuko is referring to.
While the people on the inside were arguing the weather seemed to have
Revise: While the people on the inside were arguing, the weather seemed to have
Dark clouds occluded the sun and it
the distance noises could be heard that Shinji knew by now must be the
sound of approaching armies.
Please revise the above sentence. It went from car-wreck to train-wreck sentence.
options," The older man who seemed to be his father's second in command
Revise: options," the older...
"This is madness. The swords hates her hates all of us.
Suggest: The sword hates her. It hates all of us!
She was ignored. His father meanwhile had approached the girl on the
stretchers.
For a frail, sickly girl she sure takes up a lot of room to be on more than one stretcher.
"Rei, you will draw Yui for us."
Rei: (sketches a picture)
He half asked/half stated
Suggest: half-asked/half-stated
with unnatural
kindness.
How is it unnatural?
"Yes." the girl replied weakly.
Revise: "Yes," the girl replied weakly.
The litter-bearers now looking more like pail-bearers
'pail'-bearers? Why exactly do they now look like pail-bearers? I don't quite get the visual
you're trying to paint here.
An earthquake or had the attack already started?
Dangling sentence/fragment. Please revise.
Suggest: Was it an earthquake or had the attack already started?
Shirking and screaming and clashing of steel
Unnecessary repetition of 'and'. I understand it may have been done so as the reader won't confuse
the 'shirking' and 'screaming' as being done on 'steel'. But still, considering the alternative I
think a more formal enumeration of items is in order.
Suggest: Shirking, screaming, and clashing of steel.
Or you could replace 'clashing of steel' for something else, since it doesn't really mesh with the
verbs 'shirking' and 'screaming'. It's because it's a noun amidst verbs, and it's a general rule
to enumerate related items (all verbs or all nouns) in a sentence. More grammatically acceptable,
I believe.
The sky was so overcast as to render the day almost night.
(wince)
Revise, please.
Suggest: The sky was so overcast that it rendered the day almost night.
In the darkness
overhead shapes could be seen.
Punctuation error: In the darkness, overhead shapes could be seen.
They were hurling projectiles and boulders
at them? Lightning illuminated the scenes striking a metal tower roof and
for a moment Shinji could have sworn that some of the shapes overhead had
wings.
And here, yet another run-on car-wreck sentence strikes again.
He tried to get to his feet, but before he knew it there was great crash
and Shinji found the ground tilting under him.
Suggest: Shinji tried to get to his feet, but before he knew it the ground tilted under him.
Cleaner, clearer, non-meandering sentences in prose, please.
He landed and tried to rise again as the shirking came nearer.
What do you mean when you mention 'shirking', fic? It seems that you're using it as some sort of
noun for something, and you're not even clarifying to the reader what you meant by it (shirking).
He looked around the roof over the plaza was half collapsed and he was in
the section alone with the girl cut of from the others.
(resists urge to tear eyeballs out)
Um, don't insert out-of-place descriptions and asides in one sentence. They can be really
distracting.
Suggest: He looked around the roof over the plaza; it was half collapsed. He quickly realized that
he was currently in the section alone with the girl, cut off from all the others.
Her litter lay on
the ground next to the stone
Rei: They're a litter of kitties. They're really cute.
Shinji: (cuddles the kitties) Awwww....
Rei: (tries to eat one of the kitties)
Shinji: OI! Chotto...! O_o
as he moved towards her he saw that on of the
Revise: as he moved towards her he saw that one of the
"Are you all right?" he asked dumbly knowing that she most certainly was
Suggest: "Are you all right?" he asked dumbly, knowing...
not all right and had not even been all right before the roof almost
squashed her.
Oh, and once again... Please simplify. Separate your mile-a-minute thoughts to one sentence each.
Before he had time to react to this a loud crash made him turn. Before
him stood a monster half animal half man it was folding its leathery
wings behind its back and made to advance on Shinji and Rei.
Revise the above sentence, please. It's not only a run-on, it's also bland and boring.
Suggest: Before him stood a monster, half-animal half-man. It folded its leathery wings behind its
back and started to advance on him and the injured girl.
Shinji had to do something. He had to defend himself! He had to protect
the girl!
I've said it before, but it bears repeating. I have seen at least six fics that makes use of the
exclamation point to surprise the reader with a revelation. Only one out of those six fics made it
work. Your fic, unfortunately, are among the five.
While staring at the intruder in horror his hand reached behind him and
unthinkingly grasped the only weapon within reach.
Suggest: While staring at the intruder in horror, his hand reached behind him and unthinkingly
grasped the only weapon within reach.
) )" <
tsu zu ku
Cute Japanesey 'To be continued' ascii art at the end. (waxing nostalgic of miscellaneous 70s to
80s Japanese sentai shows) Not many people would appreciate it, but in any case I do, and that's
what's important to me. ^^
It's time for the end-C&C rant.
I'll try to be brief. Fix your sentences and grammar. Learn to punctuate better. Remember to keep
it 'one thought per sentence.' Read more fics... hell, reading actual books would even be better.
And don't just read for the sake of entertainment, read them and take note of how they would
construct sentences. Aside from that, from what I can see your fic is properly spellchecked and
some such. What it _lacks_ is better prose flow, better punctuation, and better sentence
structure.
Nothing much happened in terms of plot, so I won't comment too much on that. I will say that,
aside from the Elseworlds setting, it was very reminiscent of the first episode of EVA. I suppose
it's intentional... Nevertheless, for me, it's still quite boring. In terms of intros, this was
quite IMO ho-hum. Honestly speaking, I've seen better. It's not a bad intro in terms of content,
but nothing in it 'grabbed' me or gave a significant positive impression on me. Still, in terms of
being an intro it did what it's supposed to do... set things up for the first chapter.
In any case, ignore my caustic comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you
straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you found
my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you that you needn't
take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's the best solution to generally avoidable
grammar and punctuation mistakes and flat execution for a prologue: actual experience of what a
better story constitutes. That's my two cents. Abdiel out.
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