Full C&C.

Tangent wrote:

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: (LIME WARNING: Lame lime though - don't
get your hopes up...)
 

Very lame.  I wouldn't have bothered with the tag.

Kei Murphy pulled her car, an unremarkable plain white compact
city car, up to the police barricade, and presented her badge and
<clip>
appearance and save on her insurance premiums. Being a
half-gaijin Japanese woman with red hair, caramel skin, green
eyes, and generous... assets... drew enough attention to her
without compounding the problem by having a memorable mode
of transportation as well.
 

Hmm... so when's Yuri showing up?

city blocks worth of Nerima. From what she saw, the only saving
grace of yesterday's incident was that there were so few injuries
and only one missing person reported. Even the few untouched
buildings only raised questions about the local media's initial spin
of freak weather conditions. Unfortunately, that spin was cast
aside as soon as video tapes and photographs hit the TV and
radio stations with proof of a demon attack and the magical girls
who responded to it. Which was about mid afternoon today, well
before even the police could possibly talk to even those whom
they were positive had witnessed the incident, let alone everyone
who might have.

Funny timeframes here... the incident happened "yesterday", but the 
police couldn't
question anybody by the middle of the afternoon "today"?  If you really 
intend this,
suggest adding something as to why it took the police that long.

report". Naturally, since there was a copy made, the assistant who
had been sent to retrieve it assumed that it had been censored for
public viewing, so the special report showed far more than NNN
ever really intended to show, including the detransformation of the
two girls with digitally enhanced close ups.

Oops...

Which meant, as far as Kei knew, that only the police, the
government, and the two magical girls knew how the fight really
ended. The private security footage from the gravel lot, initially set
up because of the unusual number of martial arts duels that
happened in and around Nerima, showed that it wasn't actually the
girl the media dubbed as "Inferno" who killed the creature and
saved her partner "Tsunami".
 

Heh.  Champions of justice named after element-themed disasters.  Kind 
of disturbing if you think about it.

"Nice Ranma, this is very nice," Nabiki commented as she touched
 

"Nice, Ranma"  (otherwise Nabiki is using "nice" as an adjective 
describing Ranma)

the table her fingers tracing the elegant carvings and caressing the
 

need a comma after "table"

"Oh, right," Ranma chirped from his position on the new table.
"You guys activated your identity protection enchantments earlier.
I'll just add Mom to the... what was it called? Exemption list?" The
largish blue rodent tilted his head, then shook it as if to clear it.
"There, done. Whatever it's called, Mom's on it just like Pops,
Mr. Tendo, Kasumi, and the Nichieju of Joketsuzoku."
 

FYI, while romanization can certainly be debated, in pinyin it is 
"Nujiezu".  (And, while
I can hardly complain about using "Nujiezu" and "Joketsuzoku" to mean 
two different
things, since I did it myself in my own fanfic, FYI they're the same 
word:  both are the
same three characters, as pronounced in Mandarin and Japanese 
respectively.  I'd suggest
putting a disclaimer/correction in your end-of-story notes, which again 
is what I did.)

QUERY: REASON FOR INTERMITTENT SERVICE WITH USER
INTERFACE.

QUERANT: WARRIOR OF FIRE

AUTHORIZATION: GRANTED

ACCESS LEVEL: INTERMEDIATE

ANSWER: THE PER...

INTERRUPTION...

COMMAND IMPLEMENTED: INTERFACE REFORMAT

INITIATED BY: WARRIOR OF WATER

QUALIFICATION REQUIREMENTS: CURRENT CHOSEN
CHAMPION OF RANMA

AUTHORIZATION: GRANTED

REFORMATTING...
 

Heh.  The system might be completely unusable if it tried to implement a 
dozen
different interface protocols simultaneously.

The real prize had been the images of Inferno and Tsunami reverting
to their unpowered states. There had been no disguise field
enchantment, and several of his minions immediately identified one
of the two elemental warriors as a popular female at their educational
cr�che. 

I'm not quite sure what's happening here.  If there was no disguise 
field enchantment,
then half of Tokyo saw the girls, and all of Furinkan knows who they 
are, rendering
pointless the long exposition on how the field works above and in 
earlier chapters.
OTOH, if R'hul's magic simply allows his minions to overcome the field 
themselves,
why doesn't he realize it?

"In related news, One prominent local resident had this to say:"
 

"One" shouldn't be capitalized.

"I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, do hereby
extend my noble invitation to the twin goddesses Inferno and
Tsunami, in order that they may celebrate their first glorious
 

Certainly Kuno seems to be fulled by the disguise enchantment...

oni or youma of Japanese, or even Asian legend. So much so that
the agency was already calling them C'thulhoids. 

Heh.

Right now, there were only two of what would probably end up
being a set of five elemental magic based defenders, plus heavy
fire support from their guardian beast. Fire and Water, with Earth,
Wind, and Wood yet to come forward.

While it's certainly amusing that both the enemy and the government are 
so thoroughly
versed in how magical girl teams work, one might wonder exactly how and 
why this
is true, given that "Sailor Moon" is an anime in this AU.  What other 
examples does
the government have?  (Presumably the enemy has examples on other worlds.)

That, however wasn't the
main problem. The main problem was that whether the two girls
showed up or not, there was a high probability of a demon attack
at Furinkan High sometime tomorrow, and the agency did not
currently have the authority to shut any school down for even one
day because until now all known demon attacks had been at night.
 

Heh.  Bureaucracy.

"Trouble, Saito" Kei informed her partner. "Demon incursion of a
 

Need a comma after "Saito"

Saito Mizura was suitably impressed with the facility the agency
had just opened in Nerima. Or, more properly, had just activated,
as it had been built well ahead of time, along with sister facilities in
Juban and other districts in and around the greater Tokyo
 

Suggest "Minato" instead of "Juban"; Minato is the name of the ward 
surrounding Tokyo
Tower in which Sailor Moon's "Juuban" area presumably exists.

The elevator stopped, and the two agents proceeded down a long
hallway with cinderblock walls painted a stark hospital white, and lit
with neon lights hanging from a cement ceiling. Their steps echoed
on the hard tiled floor. There were a handful of doors on either side,
and after thirty feet or so, there was a 'T' intersection. Traffic was
intermittent, consisting of the occasional man or woman in lab coats
going from one room to another with no more than a glance sent their
way just to be sure who they were. Six young shrine maidens in miko
robes followed an old priest in a slow procession across the
intersection before passing out of view again. From what Kei and
Saito heard of their chanting, they were in the middle of sealing this
facility against intrusion and scrying from outsiders.
 

This is a rather well-funded agency, it appears, given what I took to be 
a fairly low
level of activity previously.

"Akane?" Saito asked, although like his partner, his gaze was fixed
resolutely ahead.

"We got a confirmed sound bite of the other girl calling out her name
when it looked like the creature killed her," Kei explained. "We're
considering keeping the media tags though, and even came up with
codenames for the next three members of this magical girl sentai team
if there are any more: Avalanche, Hurricane, and Wilderness."
 

Heh.  I like it.

"I see... And if the proposed fifth one is based on our neighbors'
elemental variation instead of ours?"
 

Without looking it up, I'm guessing you mean that China's fifth is 
metal?  Hmm... a metal
disaster:  cannonball?  bombblast?   (I suspect "giant robot" would be 
too confusing, as a
codename for a magical girl.  Might be fun for that reason, however.)

Aside:  not sure how you're going to squeeze eight girls out of a 
Ranmaverse.  I tentatively
assign Air to Kasumi, Metal to Ukyou, and Wood to Kodachi, but you might 
reserve
Kodachi for "Dark" to counterpart Asuka Saginomiya as "Light".  But you 
seem to be
out of regular cast members; without using one-shots, you need Akari and 
Nodoka
to reach eight.

Kei snorted derisively. "A five oni gang attacking people in one
of the parks at night, cleaned out in three nights by a local devil
hunter. All I did was cover expenses for lost outfits and signed
waivers clearing the poor guy from responsibility for collateral
damages to the area. No deaths, few witnesses, and the victims
are arguing over who gets to date their hero."
 

I kind of take this as "business as usual" for this agency, for example, 
given
which it's difficult to understand near-NERV level funding for these guys.
You might consider giving us a better sense of what normal business is, to
justify this level of funding.




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