Subject: [FFML] Re: [R.5][AU] MGR ch13 [lime]
From: hkmiller
Date: 8/4/2005, 10:28 AM
To: Tangent
CC: FFML <ffml@anifics.com>


Still on my first read-thru, but this suggestion couldn't wait.

Tangent wrote:

cr�che. This had been cause for a minor celebration and R'hul had
sent his minions out to buy ketchup and soy sauce while he started
his report.

Empowered Defenders: Check (at least two; female; inexperienced;
element based - fire and water; power levels low; likely total set of
four - Fire, Water, Earth, and Air)

Guardian Beast: Check (mascot/mentor; small size; apparently
noncombatant advisor)

Incidental Enchantments: None noted
 

During my first reading of this section, I thought R'Hul was filling out 
a form.  Then I
realized that you don't explicitly say so, but I think it would be 
REALLY funny if he
was.  Therefore, I suggest something like:

...R'hul had sent his minions out to buy ketchup and soy sauce while he 
started
to fill out the newly-redesigned report form.  Damned bureaucrats back home;
the form was never quite the same whenever he had to do this.

Using a number-two pencil, he checked the box on the left-hand side for
"empowered defenders", making sure to completely black out the box.  For
"number observed" he carefully blackened the box for "two", noting as he did
that there was no place on the form to record the observation that more 
were to
be expected to appear later.  Based on the elemental affinities, R'hul 
expected
two more.

Let's see... he also filled in the checkboxes for "guardian beast" and 
"element-
based powers", and the checkboxes under the former for "noncombatant 
advisor"
and "small size".  Finally, he checked the box for "none" under "Incidental
Enchantments".




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