On 8/3/05, Tangent <tangent@zoominternet.net> wrote:
No comments on the first five chapters (though, I did enjoy reading
them). Here is my C&C for as much of this fic as I can get g-mail to
format correctly. My C&C is offered on an 'as is' basis. This means
you can either use it, or laugh at me and say, 'As if!'. Take what
helps, ignore what doesn't.
"Nabiki, the only video games I ever got to play were Pac-Man,
Zaxxon, and Gallaxian," Ranma explained. "Although I had gotten
rather good at Martial Arts Pinball before Pop made me quit. He
said that if I was getting so lazy as to let some blind boy beat me in
a tournament, I could be doing other things to improve my hand-eye
co-ordination. Too bad though, the kid was a really cool customer, a
regular pinball wizard! I'd have liked to challenge him again. Didn't
seem to be all there though..."
*snrk*
o/` Ever since I was a young boy,
I played the silver ball o/`
But I can't imagine anyone beating Tommy fairly!
Or at the very least, shove one of those tentacles up his nose and go
poking around in his head again. Shin knew that he did not want that
to happen again. As it was, he was already doing several things he
had no real desire to do, and rather strong reservations against. But
he did them anyway, somehow compelled beyond all reason to obey
R'hul's every whim.
Suggest dropping the first instance of 'again'.
"Right," Nabiki stated seriously. "Let's do this!"
"BISHOJO MAGICAL FIRE HENSHIN!" Akane yelled, posing
dramaticly, triggering her transformation.
Bwahahaha!
Regardless of their divergent methodology, both girls felt that the
problem was urgent. Perhaps, then, that is why they had BOTH
triggered the expediant rapid versions of their transformations.
Akane was once again shrouded by a brief, expaning pillar of
flames, while Nabiki was briefly encased in a fast growing collumn
of ice which promptly exploded into steam and ice shards.
'fast growing' seems to be rather passive. Maybe 'quickly expanding'?
Despite Ranma's best efforts, Akane was actually the first to reach
the scene. Although he supposed that the blazing trail she left in her
wake would be easy to follow. Good thing it was flickering out almost
as fast as it had been ignited, or Nabiki would lag even further behind
as she would have otherwise had to extinguish the flames. Not that
the elder sister was currently slow by any common measure, as the
pace she was setting would have been challenging for any olympic
runner. Ranma, on the other hand, was actually built for speed, as
nobody beat 'roos (even small ones) at the long fast haul.
Ranma as a kangaroo rat chasing a flaming Akane. Awesome mental image!
The creature's excresions turned out to be surprizingly flammable.
excretions?
strong in their particular field, but they also had some pretty severe
weeknesses.
weeknesses --> weaknesses
And these humans, like those on so many other worlds, liked to keep
pleanty of water handy.
pleanty --> plenty
Nabiki's mind realed. There was Akane, fighting a giant squidfaced
youma, as if she were some hyped up little superball bouncing here
there and everywhere as she attacked, dodged, and feinted. Nabiki
would have been really impressed if Akane didn't look like she was
half out of control for most of it.
realed --> reeled
"Right. I don't need to be used against my little sister. Got it," the
blue haired girl readily agreed. "I'll just help get the civilians clear
of the area."
"Sounds good," Ranma agreed. "Now I'm going back to the fight
before Akane gets into more serious trouble."
Repetition of 'agreed'. Perhaps the second instance should be
approved? Ranma is apparently the head of this slowly forming
fighting force....
Hmm. Was there as missed her opening speech? Usually you see some
speech from the good-guys before the beatdown proceeds.
Ripping a sign post out of the ground, H'rys revealed that it had gotten
the fire girl's measure by pinning her to the ground through her torso.
Wait, did H'rys just nail Akane to the ground, or is he just pinning
her with the sign?
Just a quick set of biological probes then. Holding the humans jaws
apart with a set of talons, H'rys prepared to insert one of the remaining
probing tentacles through that oraface while the remaining fleshy,
rope-like probes sought out other orafaces...
oraface --> orifice
orafaces --> orifices
"AKANE!" Nabiki screamed in horror as she watched her younger
receive a stopsign post through her heart. "Akane..."
Owwie.
At first paralysed in grief for her fallen sister, Nabiki could only watch
in horror and disgust as the creature lurked over Akane's all too still
form. The fear gave way to disgust as it inserted THAT into her
sisters mouth and seemed about to go into full tentacle rape demon
mode.
Disgust rapidly became helpless anger, which turned to impotent fury...
Disgust features three times in these paragraphs. I'd suggest getting
rid of one of them, maybe replacing it with revulsion?
And who was this Ranma kid that Genma kept talking about? Their
son was named Tatawaki, wasn't he? Or was that Mikaido? Damn,
she'd have to look up the birth certificate again to be sure. Damn
Genma for staying away so long that she forgot her own son's name.
It couldn't be Ranma, of course.
Mikaido -- Mikado (I think)
"Oh,that," The blazing kangaroo rat tilted his head to the side then
looked back. "It probably has something to do with the stop sign
sticking through that flaming hole in your chest. If you could turn
the rest of the way into fire for a moment you should be able to get
up."
Oh,that --> Oh, that
Okay, H'rys could admit to itself that perhaps it had made a mistake
in trying to provoke the other magical girl. Granted, even as
overpowered as the attacks were, they were barely under control,
had no finnesse to them, and were actually easy to dodge, block,
or parry. Granted, with as much unaccountable momentum as the
female was putting into her strikes, it preferred to dodge or parry,
saving the blocks for last resorts.
Uh.... Blocking and parrying are the same thing, when you're unarmed.
At least no one was going to tell her otherwise while she was still
obviously very big, very powerful, and beyond all reason.
*sniff*
Carnage. It's so beautiful!
"No," Ranma stated, earning a sharp nod from Akane. "I'm
saying that she's on a rampage. Look around you, Sparky.
Does any of this damage look like it was caused by tall dark
and octopuss-like?"
Akane: That crater's shaped like him. Well, the inside, anyway. I
guess the outside is shaped like a giant fist punched the ground ...
but I'm sure he's responsible for that part!
"So, in the dead of the night, I used every technique I could
remember from the dread Master's teachings, and made my
way into Shampoo's house to take our son's token from her,"
Genma continued his long explanation. "There was no way
Ranma could be meant for someone who wouldn't let him out
of his damn token except for showing him off or when under
orders. Our son deserves better than that. If becoming a
guardian beast instead of being cursed is a sign of worthiness,
then by the kami that did this to him, let Ranma be worthy of
serving more considerate champions!"
That seems somewhat odd behavior to me, Shampoo keeping Ranma more or
less locked up. Wouldn't that make it much harder for her to train
without his advice? Or was it for his protection?
Since it's been brought up 3-4 times in the fic, I only assume that
it's meant to either cast aspersions on Shampoo's character, or it has
relevance later when her reasons are revealed. I can't tell yet, but
it seems much more the former than the latter.
Genma looked his wife straight in the eyes and then bowed low
from his sitting position, making what may be his final request.
"Nodoka, all I ask... All I can dare to ask... Is that I alone bear the
full weight of your judgement should you decide that I have
failed in my vow to raise our son, Ranma, to be a man among men.
That, should you find it impossible to forgive me, that you at least
forgive our son and continue my quest to find a cure, or the
conditions for his return to humanity after I am gone..."
Nodoka: I imagine that they don't make knives for ritual disembowlment
in Magical Guardian styles, so this sounds reasonable to me.
H'rys continued to dodge the powerful blows of the giant water
girl, desperately wondering when she would run out of power.
After observing the female get bigger and more water-like with
every exposure to the broken pipes cause by their battle, H'rys
decided to try to lure its opponent away from any more of the
human hive structures. Some random searching had eventually
lead the battle to what appeared to be an area set aside for
gravel storage.
*snicker*
The monster is leading the magical girl away from civilian targets. I like it.
The sudden appearance of the guardian beast, now flaming,
between it and the hybrids gave H'rys only a moment's pause.
Such a tiny flame would be easy to extinguish. Oh, how cute! It
looked like it was about to attack. This should be amusin-
Good to know that Ranma's still Ranma, even when small, magical, and furry.
The humanoid typhoon, Nabiki the Stampede, last remaining
servant of the Chaos Demon Ranma...
HAH! I can just see Nabiki turning herself in to collect her own reward.
After reverting back to her unpowered state and getting dressed,
Akane managed to get her emotionally drained and physically
exhausted sister dressed as well. Sensei politely looked the other
way while she did so, keeping an eye out for for anyone who might
come across them. He had reverted from the blazing form to what
she had come to think of as his regular blue furred one. As Akane
prepared to pick up Nabiki to give her a piggyback ride home,
Akane thought of something.
Extra space between 'reverting' and 'back'.
"Well... I guess that would be more prudent..." Kasumi agreed,
slightly disappointed. Still, she had managed to find some fabric
and terrycloth that were both just the right shade of blue, as
well as some bead eyes that were very close to looking like
sapphires, so this stop wasn't a complete bust for her.
*snicker*
Actually, I can see it being handy for Ranma's magical girls to carry
around Ranma plushies. Then he can pretend to be a plushie and go out
in public. I don't know that _he'd_ see it that way, but Kasumi's
distraction could be a major boon, especially if other random girls
start buying 'Magical Guardian Ranma' plushies....
"In that case, I want to see the two of you spar in the Dojo
after you've had time to recover a bit," Ranma stated. "If you
are going to be fighting these Outsiders, then I need to make
sure that you are both trained properly and can work as a team.
And the first step for that is for me to see where your standings
in our Families' School of Anything Goes Martial Arts are."
'Dojo' is not a proper noun, so probably shouldn't be capitalized.
"Yes, Dear... I mean NO, Dear, it's not a tradition of the School..."
"OR Hitomi!"
"But Nodoka, Sweety, that was years ago! Decades even!"
HAH!
Under the late afternoon sun, Shan Pu frowned as she crossed
a mountain clearing. For some reason, she was begining to tire
out, even with her having stayed in continuous contact with
the ground since the night before. Her trackless steps had
carried her for league upon league towards her goal, and she
was begining to wonder just how far away her token had been
taken by that thief of a panda.
Wasn't she Shampoo a few chapters ago?
Because if she had to wait too long between periods when she
could use her Earth powers freely, then she'd have to lighten
her load considerably so she could continue to make time even
when not the Earth Warrior...
Assuming that her strength-training actually works in sentai form.
Soun turned to look at his middle daughter. "I am not happy
with this situation, Nabiki. If I could do anything about it, none
of my little girls would ever have to risk their lives in a battle
against dark forces. At the same time though, you and Akane
HAVE been called to a unique duty, and the fact that a demon
has shown up here in Nerima shows that it is a serious duty
that does need to be carried out."
Soun: Also, Akane got stabbed through the heart and seems fine. Petty
little things like dismemberment just doesn't seem a concern anymore.
After all, with the level of mental and behavioral editing required to
force the older human to go through the motions of daily life in the
local hive without giving anything away, R'hul didn't expect to get
much more than an emotionless husk back by the time all was said
and done. Oh well, he could just slate that one for further
experimentation when this part of the mission was over and done
with. No sense in ruining more of his personal stock than required
by duty, no matter how recently he acquired them.
Ah, Kasumi's light, isn't she? Well, someone needs to be a healer.
And then the whole 'bed' shifted, and Ranma now found himself
held in place by the brace between the two mounds, with one
resting on him as he rested on the other. Shaking his head to clear
away the remaining early morning grogginess, the gerbil-sized blue
kangaroo rat opened his eyes and looked around...
I thought he was a bit larger than that. Somewhere between cat or rabbit sized.
"I'm just glad you kept the sheath on that thing," Genma grumbled
as he glared briefly at the Saotome Family Sword. "Oh well, the
damage is done. Why don't you get started on another breakfast,
while I clean this mess and wash up?"
'Family Sword' isn't a proper noun, I don't think, so probably
shouldn't be capitalized. A sword is a sword, unless it's Excalibur,
or Sanglamore, or the legendary Grasscutter.
"Hey! He twitched!" Akane exclaimed excitedly as she grabbed
Ranma and began shaking him with enthusiasm!
*snicker* I would remove the exclamation point from prose, though.
Exclamations are powerful tools in narrative if used correctly. Here,
I think you meant to use a period.
"Wha-a? Wha? I-I'm up! I'm u-up!" Ranma squeeked, voice
stuttering with each shake. "What's up, Sparky?" He asked as Akane
stopped shaking him and set him on the counter, where he expanded
back up to about the size of a cat.
Ah, NM my size-comment.
"Enough, Akane," Nabiki stated tiredly. "Get ready for school, we
can't skip class just because we have powers now you know."
Shun Ukia: It's a sucky rule. :/
Kasumi got up from her sewing project to answer the door. "Oh,
Uncle Saotome! We were wondering when you would get back.
We thought that you had only gone out to check the local temples
and shrines yesterday." She wondered who the lady accompanying
Genma was. She seemed nice enough, and very proper, although
Kasumi wasn't sure how to take the wrapped katana the woman
carried.
Does Kasumi know it's a katana, as opposed to just a wrapped bundle?
"That would be fine, Kasumi," Nodoka nodded as she removed
her geta (wooden sandals) and placed them carefully in the
getabako (shoe cupboard) of the genkan (entranceway).
Too much edutainment. I'd break Nodoka's actions up across the
conversation so that the new vocab can be worked in more subtly.
As Nabiki continued to absently scan Ranma's token across the
textbook pages, she failed to notice the pale blue glow being
emitted from the sapphire, nor how it briefly enveloped the whole
book before being drawn back into the lens...
Nabiki: Quick, Ranma! What's this monster's weak point?
Ranma: Uh ... for some reason, all I can think of is your math
homework. You got number seven wrong, by the way.
Nabiki: >_<
"We're Home!" the two called out together, not quite in sync with
each other as they removed their shoes. They noticed an extra pair
of well made but somewhat faded and worn wooden geta in the
getabako right as Kasumi came into the hallway from the kitchen
wearing a kimono.
Home isn't a proper noun, and should probably not be capitalized.
"Ranma's mother is here?" Nabiki asked, hoping that Ranma was
indeed in his token, and that she could get him out. Once again,
light shhone from the stone held in Nabiki's hand, a bright aura
that cast the hall in shades of blue. And again Nabiki's clothing
and make up flowed into the sapphire lens as if it were all water.
shhone -- shone
"I come with an instruction manual!?" the diminutive magical rodent
exclaimed in wide-eyed shock. "What am I? A freaking radio or
something?"
Kasumi: Does it say where we can order replacement parts or additional
magical guardians?
Nabiki: Ooh, I like where this is going.
Ranma: ;_;
"Nabiki's right, Sensei" Akane agreed.
Sensei" --> Sensei,"
QUERANT: WARRIOR OF WATER
AUTHORIZATION: GRANTED
ACCESS LEVEL: INTERMEDIATE
ANSWER: CLASSIFIED BEYOND CURRENT ACCESS LEVEL
OF QUERANT.
I'd hazard a guess that if the answer is, "You can't know yet," then
authorization wasn't really granted. :p
ANSWER: PREVENTION OF CASCADING FEEDBACK LOOP
BETWEEN TOKEN AND PROJECTED PERIPHERAL AS BOTH
ARE ACTUALLY COMPONENTS OF THE SAME ENTITY.
Oh, so the gem's part of Ranma. Makes sense. I guess that makes the
instructions part of his subconscious, which would explain his
newfound knowledge. Go-go ancient magical soul computer!
Oh, who was she kidding. She was doomed. Either Ku Lon was
following her trail, or she had sent someone else to track where
her great granddaughter went. One way or another the village
was going to hear of this, and then her Father would have her
across his knees applying a paddle to her bare hindquarters
until Great Grandmother told him to stop. The only reason her
Great Grandmother wouldn't be doing it herself was the fact that
advanced age had reduced her stature and the Elder no longer
had either a suitable sized lap, nor leverage to wield the paddle
properly if Shan Pu tried to fit across what little lap her Great
Grandmother had remaining.
Father is a proper noun wgeb used in place of a name, but not when
it's 'her father'..
A son she feared would never lead a normal life.
Yeah, like he had a shot at that anyway.
(Points from Philip Jacobs for identifying the source of Nodoka's
Guardian Beast form.)
A cabbit?
"OW!" both hands going to the growing knot on his head as
Genma asked "What you do that for?" Nodoka turned from
checking the sheath of the family honor blade (the travel wrapping
had been set aside earlier in the day, after lunch when she and
Genma were telling Kasumi a bit about the Saotome family history
and how they had been permitted to retain their sword after the
Meiji restoration) for damage and glared at her husband.
Genma asked, "What -- though, this is still incorrect.
"Ow!" may not technically terminate the sentence but it does terminate
the dialogue. This means that you've got two distinct lines of
dialogue treated as part of the same sentence.
I'd suggest:
"OW!" Genma exclaimed, both hands going to the growing knot on his
head. Looking at his wife reproachfully, he asked, "What did you do
that for?"
Or:
"Ow," Genma exclaimed, rubbing at the forming knot on his head and
turning to look at his wife, "that hurts, you know! What was it for,
anyway?"
Or:
"OW!" Genma's exclamation rang through the room while he examined his
head for injuries, wincing at the swelling lump he could feel forming.
"What's the big idea?"
Etc. I'm sure you can write your own story better than I can; just
trying to give a few examples. :)
"You never told me how tight those outfits were, you letch!"
Nodoka gestured at Nabiki, who looked up at the older woman
with irritation. "And who is this girl, anyway? I thought you said
that Nabiki was the one in Blue? This girl looks nothing like her!"
Blue is not usually a proper noun, and probably shouldn't be capitalized.
"Don't listen to her," Akane waved off Nabiki's comment. "The
power-up is great, and I was more winded than anything else."
"Akane... You had a freaking stop sign rammed through your heart!"
Nabiki snapped, trying to keep tears from forming in her eyes at the
memory. "I thought... I thought you were dead..."
Akane: But I got better!
Nabiki: Allow me my emotional trauma.
Akane: That's daddy's shtick.
Nabiki: Oh. What's mine?
Akane: Money!
Nabiki: Right, then. Sure thing, Kasumi. I'll let you try Ranma out
for, say.... 500 yen!
Akane: NABIKI!
Nabiki: Oh yeah, he's your guardian, too. Fine, fine. 500 yen for
me, and 500 for Akane.
"I'm Nabiki Tendo..." the blue haired girl responded with half-lidded
eyes and a tone of frustration.
Disguise magics are awesome. Nabiki's anger will probably vanish once
she realizes that the 40-foot tall half-naked Nabiki that destroyed
much of downtown won't be associated with her. :D
Akane made no move to try to put in ...
[Message clipped]
Gah! G-mail, how can you betray me so!?
I have no idea why, Tangent, but almost every message you send me ends
up this way. Aside, (private replies only, please), anyone know a way
to get g-mail to handle this, or is it just part of the beta?
Using the Rosenbaugh Retrieval Engine, we can continue:
Which suddenly collapsed under the weight of several hundred
pounds of blue fur coated muscle as eight feet of giant saber-toothed
and gorilla-armed kangaroo rat came out of the token so fast that
Akane's eyes crossed trying to make sense of it.
fur coated -- fur-coated (?)
"The family room is fine, Nabiki," Akane groused. "And Nezumi-'zilla..."
Akane was interrupted by her father's scream of terror, followed by
Genma's bellow of "Calm down, Tendo! That's just Ranma!"
I'd replace the ... with a --
She's getting cut off, not trailing off. :)
But that's just me.
"Is in the downstairs guestroom," Nabiki finished with a smirk,
shaking her head. Akane, remembering Aunty Nodoka's main
repeated objection to Nabiki's costume, compared her sister's bare
body with what she had been wearing moments ago. She honestly
didn't see what the big deal was, as it just didn't seem all that
important to her, although she objectively understood that she
was normally far more concerned about physical modesty than she
currently felt.
Aunty -- Auntie (I always thought)
"Nabiki..." Kasumi hesitated for a moment, then continued.
"Shouldn't you either power up or get some clothes from your room
to wear before attending to Aunty Saotome?"
As above (I still think)
The very first things she saw upon opening her eyes were her
husband and a very large, very muscular, and absolutely adorable
(in a shaggy and somewhat monstrous kind of way) blue furred
shikagami, both of whom were looking worriedly down at her from
either side. Under their caring gaze, Nodoka felt safe and secure,
protected from the pain and worries of the world. In particular,
under the watchful eyes of the guardian beast she knew to be her
son, she knew she could be a mother again, reliving all those lost
years her child had been missing as if he had never gone away in
the first place. Her little boy, gone for so long, had returned to her
at long last. All of her worries and doubts about his loss of
humanity, and how she would get grandchildren when her son was
the wrong species left her for this pristine moment as she reached
up and touched one of Ranma's broad shoulders.
You mean shikigami, right?
Hair toinged out of place on the heads of the various Tendo family
members sitting around Nodoka as they watched an otherwise
mature and refined woman giggle, laugh, and cuddle the somewhat
alarmed looking blue kangaroo rat as she swayed back and forth.
Genma had, naturally, face-faulted rather painfully to one side, and
one of his legs was still twitching in the air.
Hahaha!
"Bu...bu... but It's not fair!" Kasumi looked over the scene, tears
forming in her eyes moments before breaking into a torrent of sobs.
"I wanted to do that! WAAAAAAAAAAH!"
HAHAHAHA!
Sweat drops formed on the heads of Soun, Genma, Nabiki, and Akane
as they watched two grown woman engage in a cat-fight over a rodent...
If there was anything after that last line up there, the gears of the
Rosenbaugh engine stripped it off....
Heh.
Okay, in general, the tone seems to fluctuate, but really, it works
for me. I'm not sure where this is going, but I liked it, and am
looking for more.