On 6/26/05, Aaron Nowack <anowack@tulane.edu> wrote:
After far too long, Chapter 4.
After far too longer, C&C for chapter 4.
Standard disclaimers apply. I'll let you pick which ones. ;)
"War is Hell."
- William Tecumseh Sherman
Ya think? :-p
"What... what have you done?" Jadeite asked, his voice tinged
with equal parts fear and awe.
Spacing around an elipses should be consistant. IE.: 'What...what' or
'What ... what'.
If that elipses terminates a sentence, then it would be: 'What.... What'
I won't bother with that suggestion after this one instance;
consistancy trumps 'proper' usage for something this minor.
She smiled. "Now, they can never banish us. Perhaps once they
might have had the chance to destroy us," she said, and her smile
deepened as her eyes turned to Saturn, "but that power is in my hands
now."
Saturn simply bowed again.
I always reveled in the irony that for all that Sailor Moon was a
shoujo manga intended for little girls, their big trump card was, "If
we start to lose ... destroy reality!"
Hehe....
Sorry. <_<;;
Metallia turned back to Asphara. "Now, Overlord Asphara, a
reward."
'a' or 'your'?
Though I do get the distinct impression that Metallia's mode of speech
doesn't really mesh with current.
Damn it. Every instinct she had was screaming at her to forget
trying to get to Venus's house and start heading directly to the Shrine
to meet the others. She didn't expect that Metallia was planning to
just turn off the sun and then take a few days off.
Is 'Shrine' a proper noun?
Repetition of 'off' in that last sentence. Maybe 'and then vanish for
a few days'?
"Don't know," Neptune answered curtly as a dozen youma
cautiously encircled the pair. "Ready?"
She could feel Uranus smile coldly. "Let's do this."
Hrm.
Before it reached her, she leapt to the street below. There
were perhaps a half-dozen youma between her and home. Without thought,
she shouted words of magic, and her Venus Love-Me Chain snapped out like
an impossibly long whip. When its golden coils touched the youma, they
screamed and dissolved into dust.
Quantity over quality, it would seem.
"Crescent Beam!" For an instant, the youma stood still, impaled
on the spear of golden light. Then the light vanished, and it fell.
Venus rolled through the sudden opening in the youma circle before the
other demons could react.
'rolled'?
A ball of orange light crashed into the youma flock, destroying
one of the youma and scattering the rest momentarily. In that instant,
Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune leapt down from a nearby rooftop to
stand by Venus's side.
Repetition of youma in the first sentence. Come to think of it,
through much of the story. I'd suggest synonyms like 'things' or
'enemies' or 'creatures'. You've used 'beings' and 'forms' a few
other places, but this is kinda 'youma' heavy.
When it finally died down, there was nothing left of the massive
youma. Venus wavered, almost collapsing. Uranus laid a hand on her
shoulder, but could not find the words to speak. Venus shook it off and
slowly walked over to kneel beside the corpse. "My father," she said
coldly after a moment. She rose, and entered the house through the hole
that had been the front door.
Since this was apparently an uber-youma, I'd suggest 'monstrosity' or
such. Possibly using 'hulking' to avoid consonance. But that's just
me.
It would not have surprised him if there were more youma facing
them now than an hour ago. Their progress kept slowing, and he knew
that if they stopped entirely they would be buried under the demonic
hordes. The last time he had fought a battle like this he had had an
army at his back.
he had had -- he'd had (?)
From the sound of gunfire and screams in the distance, the
Japanese military were doing their fair share of fighting already, but
Ares expected the size of the youma attack had already proved too much
for them to contain, much less push back. The first attack had
stretched them to the limit, and it had been far smaller than this.
Hmm. I wonder how the Americans are doing in Yokohama?
A winged, slimy beast dove at Ares. His blazing blade was ready
to meet it and cut the youma in two. The halves dissolved before they
hit the ground. Even before that, another monster had charged the
Champion. After that too had been dispatched, Ares had a moment to
survey the battleground.
See, weapons > magic in a one-on-one fight!
Hades, Medea, and Poseidon had formed an armored wedge, pressing
forward relentlessly if slowly. Sailor Mars stood slightly behind them,
Sailor Mercury's unconscious form cradled in her arms. Hermes was
fighting his way to their side. At first, Ares could not locate Sailor
Pluto, but then a ball of purple energy flew over his shoulder and
obliterated the youma before him.
Aside: So nice to see them getting along now!
"How many youma?" was all Ares said in reply.
Pluto only shrugged.
Pluto: "I only had eternity. Not enough time to count them all up."
Ares: "Sounds like fun!"
Jadeite had meant to teleport directly to the Hikawa Shrine. It
had given him no small pleasure to decide to make that place his
fortress, and perhaps one day his palace. It would be but the first of
many humiliations that would finally be avenged. He had thought long
and hard on what form his vengeance against the Senshi themselves would
take, but had reached no conclusion save that simple death was too good
for them.
Jadeite: "I'll make them C&C badly written lemons featuring
themselves. That should be plenty torment!"
Metallia: "Why not bad crossover lemons?"
Jadeite: "Please. I may be evil, but I still have morals."
"You are wise not to trust so easily." The Death Phantom
paused, as though considering what words to speak. "My motivation is
nothing but revenge. I would see the line of Serenity extinguished
forever." He paused again. "If you rise to replace it, I will not
interfere."
This doesn't quite add up to me. Metallia's doing a fine job of
subduing/subverting the line of Serenity to all appearances (she's
pretty much taking over the world). Jadeite should know that there's
something up ... this being really shouldn't need to do more than wait
around to see that it's gotten what it wants. If it's just 'giving'
him things, more specifically, trying to set him up in a postition of
power (especially power that may not be needed to accomplish this
thing's supposed goals)....
I don't expect that Jadeite would tip his hand this early, but at the
same time ... I think it's something he'd consider.
Jadeite willed himself to summon the power of the two Diamonds
he now commanded to smite the Senshi, but instead found himself simply
slipping the Void Diamond to the same pocket of space where the Flame
Diamond rested. His eyes followed Saturn's trajectory back up to an
overlooking rooftop, where he saw Ishamanar's consort Asphara standing.
Hey, Jadeite's got materia slots?
Then a shadow passed over the dark moon, a four-winged humanoid
figure - the youma who had led the attack before the sky had darkened.
A blazing arrow formed in the bow it carried, and the youma spoke.
"Die."
spoke. "Die." --> spoke: "Die." (?)
"Enough," came a new voice, from outside the dome. Jadeite
recognized it all too easily. Metallia. He turned to face her, and saw
Asphara standing half a pace behind the Queen. Saturn slowly pulled
herself to her feet, and at a gesture from the Queen lowered the
barrier.
Bus-ted!
Metallia laughed. "Curious. There are not many who would call
me that name. I thought I was aware of all of them, but you are not one
of those foolish Champions."
Okay. This makes more sense to me now. Still curious as to how
Jadeite's going to handle this, though.
The Death Phantom laughed. "It was unwise of you to lower your
guard." He raised both arms, and a pillar of blackness descended from
the unnaturally dark sky, crashing down on Metallia. The Queen grunted
as she raised an arm to shield, staggering under the force of the
strike.
This probably shouldn't be hilarious to me, but it is. Just the
in-fighting of the forces of darkness. Ah, here we go: "Good will
always triumph over evil, because evil takes double damage."
"This should be fun."
I'll ... agree!
Restraint abandoned, Jupiter charged the dark queen. Metallia
casually summoned a wave of darkness that stopped the Senshi in her
tracks. She grunted in pain, stumbling back several steps.
Mmm. Impulsive, aren't we?
"Let her go," was all Sailor Moon said.
Tone? Inflection? Emotion?
"Oh?" Metallia said with another laugh. "You will be surprised
to learn what you are capable of, given the right encouragement."
Lovely as this conversation is, I'm kind of surprised at all the
standing around and taking this verbal abuse we're getting from the
heroes.
Behind Metallia, Sailor Saturn's still form was engulfed in a
silver glow. By the time Metallia glanced backward to see it, Princess
Serenity's magic was already at work, and the fallen Senshi's numerous
wounds were all but gone. For an instant, a furious snarl appeared on
Metallia's face.
That's more like it.
Neither combatant could spare the attention to notice Sailor
Saturn slowly pulling herself to her feet behind Metallia.
Oh well.
When she was only a few steps from the wall, she leapt upward
instead of continuing her retreat. Her magically boosted muscles
propelled her far higher than was possible for a normal human, and she
landed lightly on the rooftop of the building behind her. Asphara
seemed amused. "Do you think that will save you, Senshi?" she asked,
and with a beat of her powerful black wings, she took to the air once
more.
I'd like to argue that when you hit a wall, and jump over it to get
away, you are, in fact, continuing your retreat.
Even if it's to prepare a nifty counter. :p
Jupiter caught one blade in each hand. Asphara's eyes widened
in shock, and she tried to pull away. Jupiter's hands were on fire with
pain. She could feel dark energy and poison seeping into her wounds,
but she tightened her grip. "No," she said. "I win.
"Supreme Thunder!"
Why is her next line in a separate paragraph?
Or did someone _else_ cast that spell?
Then he screamed, as golden lightning burst from the stem of the
rose, crackling all over his body. "Surprise," Endymion grunted as he
forced himself to rise. His sword almost leaped to his hand, and he
charged.
...heh.
Sailor Saturn grinned, feeling as joyful as her weapon. "Die,
Champions."
Can't say they didn't do a lot to deserve that, all things considered.
"Is that so?" Metallia laughed a final time, then she and her
companions vanished.
Hmmm. Interesting.
1) This chapter took... longer than expected. Hopefully at least a few
people out there remember this story. In a not unrelated matter, this
is one of the few chapters for which completed but unused scenes exist -
including one which I actually dropped for being too dark, believe it or
not. I may decide to release it as an extra.
o_o
Hmm. In general, it was a solid chapter. There seemed to be a
suprisingly small number of pivotal events, all things considered; the
focus was much more on mood and setting. At least, in my perception.
Regardless, I enjoyed it. Looking forward to more. :)
Started: October 23, 2004
Draft Finished: June 12, 2005
Draft Released: June 26, 2005
Final Released:
--
Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/