Subject: [FFML] [Repost][ranma/Original]Ranma meets the Avatron's part 1

Meets the Avatron's what? Dog? Cat? Collection of anal sex toys?

I almost done with chapeter 3 so i thight i repost the first 2 chapters

You thight you thaw...?

And what's a 'chapeter'?

First fic warning, and comments would be helpful.
I can be E-mail

Wow, you've mastered the ability to convert yourself into digital data! I've
been trying to do that for ten years! I'm envious.

In a clearing in a nearby forest just outside
Tokyo.

Just so you know, this is not a complete sentence. Nor does it necessarily
need to be set off to itself.

It was a quiet night and only a light breeze was
blowing. Suddenly with a
flash of light a portal open up visibly and two
forms stepped through it. A
teenage girl and man. After they both had stepped
through, the portal
vanished from sight with another bright flash.

"It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out. The maid
screamed!"

Are you TRYING to write formula Bulwer-Lytton prizewinning material here?

Both stood only about 5 Feet

'Feet' should not be capitalised.

in high but the girl was a little shorter than the

So they're only five feet tall when they're high? The hell?

man. They both had long
hair and athletic builds, though the girl Had more

Why do you Keep capitalising Random words That should not Be capitalised?

"Daddy." the girl pleaded, tugging the man's hand
but at same time staying
close to him, a bit afraid of the new, unfamiliar
surroundings, "Ranma's sad
and lonely, I can feel it."

"You can make him happy once we meet up with him.

Must...resist...ecchi...retort...

As they began to walk towards the city lights, the
girl asked, "Dad? Could I
get into same school as Ranma?"

"We'll will see if you can.

"And while we're at it, we'll see if we can get the author in remedial
English."

A few days later. In a private investigators
office.

Fragments. Of sentences. A hack writer. Strung together.

The old man sitting behind his old wooden desk
raised his eyes briefly from
his work to look at his visitor. The man put his
papers carefully aside,
leaving some free room on the desk papers, before

So he put his papers aside to make free room on the papers. Not on the desk,
just on the papers.

running a gnarled hand
through his dusty gray hair as he opened the
drawer of the desk and pulled
out a manilla folder and grilled through it.

Oh, I get it. He pushed the papers aside so he could set up the Hibachi to
grill the folder. ...must need a high-fiber diet.

"Thank you for getting the work done in so short
time as I asked." Said Mr
Starliner his face remaining an emotionless mask.

The author struggled vainly against common sense and the rules of
punctuation he didn't like to use commas where he needed them I wonder if he
will write any long non-break run-on sentences I certainly hope so I love
reading them very much.

"Well, you got to admit the courts would be a
little suspicious why a extra
terrestrial would want to have a custody of a
minor," the PI tolled.

...............................................................

I'm...just not TOUCHING the numerous things that are wrong with this.

The local mailman walked up to the Tendo Dojo,
dropping today's mail into the
mailbox before leaving quickly.

He'd have left tomorrow's mail, but he misplaced his flux capacitor.

"I hope it not another fiancee." Kasumi said to
herself as she walked inside,
but already knowing that what it most likely to be
what the letter was about.

Yes, because clearly nobody ever writes a letter to Genma Saotome unless it
has something to do with a fiancee for Ranma.

Kasumi found both Genma and Soun playing their
favorite pastime, Go, both

Except that they usually play shogi, not go...they DO play go from time to
time, but they're far more frequently seen playing shogi. :P

"What! You engaged my son-in-law to an alien
girl?" thundered Soun, scooping
up the letter from the trash and looking it over
himself.

The saddest part of this is that it's completely in-character for him to
believe that so readily.

A while later in Nerima High School

They had to transfer all the students from Fuurinkan High School when the
principal blew it up...*again*....

Then on same day, someone had just appeared out of
the blue and bought one of
the most expensive properties. Nabiki had
considered this strange enough to
be worth investigating. All she was able to gather
had been that a man had
bought it. A single man and his daughter coming
form out of the blue and
having bought one of the most expensive properties
in the neighborhood.

So what you're saying is there was a man, his daughter, they came from out
of the blue, and they bought one of the most expensive properties in the
neighborhood?

Because, you know, you really weren't very clear about that.

All this had felt a bit mysterious, seemingly the
girl got a home tutoring
too, which cost money, something that the man
seemed to have more than enough
of. But where did he get it all? And who was he?

And did he like younger women?

For the next few days she had tried to follow both
the man and the girl
shadows to find out something about their habits,
to no avail.

She then realised that she'd have much better luck following the man and the
girl *themselves* instead...

This was strange considering she was sure she
would have found out something
herself one of the two times in the 2 weeks she
was following her. only thing
she had found out was that someone in a black suit
was always seen in the
area when the girl did go out.

....

Uh, just for the record? If you're going to write a Ranma/MiB crossover, you
need to, y'know, *mention it* up front and put a disclaimer for MiB. :P

"I am going to find out about him and his so
called daughter. The money this
person must have is a beneficial resource that
simply can't let be passed
up." Nabiki mumbled to herself and most of all her
curiosity had been
sparked.

That last bit is a bit incoherent.

"I have a package that was sent to you, the person
asked us to deliver it to
you at this time and while you were still at
school." the courier told Nabiki
as he proceeded to hand her a Clipboard.

Clipboard brand clipboards! When you need a clipboard, think Clipboard!

Still even though
Genma was a greedy bastard,
and not all that bright.

[Genma] "Even though I'm a greedy bastard, and not all that bright, I can
still tell you that THAT is an incomplete sentence."

Moment later her eyes almost popped out of her
head when she saw what the
dowry was for, 2 million Avatron credits.

In other words, ten yen.

"This is all your fault!" yelled Akane to Ranma,
her anger flaring.

WAY to roll out the typical cliches there, champ.

"How can this be my fault, I knew nothing of
this." snapped Ranma in reply.

"Well, if you weren't so much of a pervert and a
jerk this wouldn't have
happened!" Akane angrily told Ranma.

Genma wouldn't have arranged Ranma to marry some random person for money if
Ranma wasn't a pervert and a jerk? So...Ranma was a pervert and a jerk when
he was a baby and Genma sold him for a bowl of rice and two pickles?

"You were with her last evening, you two timing
pervert!" Akane yelled at
Ranma. Her battle aura flaring.

Um...Akane is jumping to conclusions rather quickly even for *her* here.

"Fine with me, I never agreed to marry a an uncut
violent chick like you..."

"Akane: Uncut!" Every punch, kick, mallet strike, and bathtub stone lantern
mauling, completely uncensored! Only $19.95! Order today and get "P-Chan
Goes Hog Wild!" for $4.99 with your order! CALL NOW!

'Just one more crack and I put that freak in his
place,' thought Akane. She
was the best martial artist in Nerima and if Ranma
hurled even one more
insult she would teach him again why she was the
best. Then she would teach
him just what a real martial artist could do, not
like the tricks Ranma
usually used.

Uh...FYI? You're confusing Akane with Mister Satan from DBZ here.

"I just might just do that, At least she'd not
some uncute violent maniac
like you." replied Ranma, a little surprised that
he had said that. What even
was a bigger surprise was that he had meant what
he said. If the girl was who
the feelings were coming from, he really wouldn't
mind marrying her. It was
clear now; She would always accept him for what he
was and wanted to see him
happy. She would let him be what he wants to be.

Of course she would. Because she's a Mary Sue. Mary Sues are, of course,
perfect in every way, especially when compared to the rest of the cast.

'Apparently some slut of a girl must think she can
have him, and when I'll
meet that girl I'm going to show her place! I'll
show that girl what a true
martial artist could do.'

You mean "be irrationally bitchy and judgemental"?

Nabiki was shocked as well, having witnessing
another beating of Ranma from
her sister.

Um...how exactly would this *shock* Nabiki? Seeing as how she sees it
frequently--at least five times a day according to some fanfic authors. :P

Or maybe she's just shocked at your horrible misuse of verb tenses...

 >'P'd never expected this

But Q and R had seen it coming a mile away.

She had started to get concerned about Akane's
behavior after that, it seemed
that after the Saffron incident and the failed
marriage attempt Akane's anger
and violent temper had been getting worse.

[Akane] "It's because stupid fanfic writers keep making me out to be a
psychotic self-centered bitch."

*snip even MORE of Akane being unreasonably out-of-character*

Which led to the last of problems that came with
the today's mail, after
finding some more bills for skipped debts from her
husband, Genma, she
noticed a small package coming in a manilla
envelope that was sent to her
from Mr Noha Starliner.

No relation to Mr Luek Skywalker.

After opening it and looking through the papers
inside, Nodoka left for the
Tendo house containing to read the contents while
she walked.

"containing" to read?

Nodoka almost dropped the papers in shock as she
opened a certified check for
10 Million US dollars and a note with it saying
that the credit chip given to
 Genma was no longer valid. The included list of
crimes and debts the Genma

"I am....THE GENMA."

On the way to Tendo home, Nodoka saw Ranma and

o/~Tendo Home...on Tendo Mountain...o/~

'This person is very good at
planing this out.' she thought to herself knowing
that a lot of planning had
went into today's events.

Naw, people just send simultaneous packages of carefully-collected
documentation on a spur of the moment whim.

"It could be just that Aunty, Uncle Genma did sign
on the clans honor that no
other arrangements to marry Ranma existed and the
Genma

He is...THE GENMA!

"So the Tendo and Saotome agreement is in direct
violation of the contract.
Genma was basically lying when he signed to the
fact that no other
arrangements existed." Nodoka said with a sigh, "I
also think you should see
this." she added, handing the PI's report on Genma
past integrations.

Integrations? Integrations? What did he integrate? Or was he integrated into
something larger? Or...

She never had really believed that Ranma was not
good enough for her sister,
when Ranma and his father first came she had
thought that both of them where
just some useless freeloaders.

So...she believed a useless freeloader was good enough for her sister?

But the honor of the Tendos had been involved and
Nabiki had very little she
could have done

You mean aside from marrying Ranma herself?

It wasn't that, but to
finally show that Genma had no Honor at all. This
Mr Starliner seemed to want
Ranma out of Genma's life totally.

Or more to the point, Genma out of Ranma's life.

Simply, even both of the families entire estates
could not pay off all the
debts that Genma had made over the years. Nabiki
had always suspected that
Genma was just after her families house and Dojo

Families? She has more than one?

"What do you think should be done about this?"
Nodoka asked hoping that
maybe the middle Tendo daughter know of a way out
of this.

And also "know" a good grammar tutor.

"What would be most likely to happen now if Akane
and Ranma where to marry?"

Where to marry? I hear Vegas is popular...

"Ranma only wins because of some tricks of his or
because he's cheating,
unlike me. I'm way better than Ranma and it's
about time I show why I am the
best in Nerima, I don't need to cheat to win."

Okay, Akane is NOT this delusional!

"You perverted freak, you're now even sleeping
with some Alien whore!" Akane
yelled, whirling to face Ranma.

You...REALLY don't seem to understand how to write Akane in-character, do
you?

Akane then did something utterly destroyed any
last thoughts in Nodoka's mind
to actually allow her son to marry her. Akane's
battle aura blazed a bright
red, as she proceeded to teach Ranma a lesson that
he would never forget and
what she though he deserved for being unfaithful
to her with a slut that was
not even human. That in her mind, Akane delivered
her punishment, something
that no true martial artist would never do in any
circumstances, she
proceeded to kick Ranma in the groin.

"That's it, you sex changing freak, this is what
you deserve for dishonoring
me with your perversion and for sleeping with
something that is not even
human!" Akane yelled out at Ranma who was lying on
ground moaning in pain.
"If I ever catch you even talking to that alien
whore I will kill you both,
and if I see that inhuman slut near my home I will
kill her for her crimes
against me. You belong to me, I can do anything I
like to you, next time you
insult me I will kill you for the perverted freak
you are! I should have
killed you back when I learned that you where
nothing but some pervert boy!"
Akane shouted before storming into the house as
quickly as she could.

............................................................................
.....................


....riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

*stops C&C RIGHT HERE, sends the remainder of this and the next chapter
directly to the recycle bin, and sets up an e-mail filter against the
author's future 'fanfiction'*

When I began this? I was content to mock your atrocious grammar, sentence
structure, punctuation, and spelling.

When I got further into it? I saw I was about to run across a Mary Sue of
epic proportions, and was fully prepared to ride this train all the way to
the station, making cracks the entire way.

Then you started with the bad Ranma fanfic cliches. I half expected it, but
bad Ranma fanfic cliches are fun to mock, so I kept rolling with it.

...and then I ran into THIS shit.

Seriously, dude, what the hell?

This isn't Akane. This isn't REMOTELY Akane.

I don't know where you got the impression that Akane was this unhinged,
deranged, and homicidal--she has been written that way in fanfiction, yes,
but usually the most extreme examples are from stories such as "Bitter End",
where this behavior is at least explained in a way that lends credence to
it.

This, however...there is no excuse for this. This is utterly inexcusable.

You should not attempt to write Ranma fanfiction until you have actually
seen or read any of the canon material. Writing based on fanfiction alone
leads to this kind of nonsensical, intolerable, unreadable garbage, and
there is not one person out there who has half a brain that WANTS to read
trash such as this.

I can't fathom wanting to WRITE trash like this, except as a means of trying
to get the typical FF.net reader to fellate your ego.

Well, allow me to disavow you of any delusions you may have of being capable
of writing a decent, worthwhile, readable Ranma fanfic:

At present, with your current level of (lack of) writing skills, and your
utter disregard for things such as proper characterisation and sensible
story structure, SEVERE revision and reconsideration is STRONGLY
recommended. You need to learn all of the following:

-Proper spelling
-Proper capitalisation
-Proper sentence structure
-Proper punctuation
-Proper grammar
-How to write characters in-character
-How to avoid repetition within a paragraph
-How to structure a story with unbelievable aspects in a way that makes it
more approachable to the writer
-How not to rip off other intellectual properties and claim them as
'original' (Because, dude? This is a Ranma/MIB crossover, whether you admit
it or not, although I will grant that the "Avatrons" are (possibly) your own
characters.)
-How to AVOID FANFICTION CLICHES
-How to write a story anyone would actually want to read, for that matter.

You have MUCH rewriting to do before you EVER inflict this steaming ball of
RETCH upon the FFML again.

Or you could just post it to FF.net where all the other refuse belongs.

==============================
God humps those who hump themselves.
==============================
The Eternal Lost Lurker
(Bloody click the link.)
www.lurkerdrome.com



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