(ahem) And now for the latest, latest one posted in the FFML... Ask and ye shall receive. The
standard disclaimers from the previous C&C I gave you apply here too. So as per usual, blah, blah,
blah grain of salt, blah, blah, blah, use what you can use, ignore the rest, blah, blah, blah,
reserve right to be wrong, blah, blah, blah...
Oh yeah... before I forget, you have the usual �smart quotes� problem. I can't believe I forgot to
tell you seven chapters earlier. ^^;; Well, here's a li'l tip if you're using Microsoft Word (if
not, might I suggest using a plaintext writing program?) Go to the Tools menu, click
'AutoCorrect', then click the Autoformat tab. You'll see a checklist there. Under the "Replace"
header, uncheck "replace straight quotes with smart quotes."
Finally, instead of pointing out every last vocab word that makes me wince from time to time, I'll
instead give you simpler alternatives that you can work into your prose. I may miss a correction
or two, so the 'onus' is upon you to pick up on the corrections I've presented here and correct
your fic by yourself, if you so choose to. Here we go...
(snippage throughout)
Ace wrote:
Batter & Curses
What has gone on before:
Ukyo went along for the ride with the Saotome�s
in this universe. At Jusenkyo, Genma and Ranma
received their usual curses. Predictably, events
conspired to dump Ukyo in the Nanniichuan.
Even more predictably, it did not in any way hinder or hamper Ukyo in any way, and she even found
ways to adapt to the curse. Granted, the same argument can be said of Genma, but Genma's not in
the forefront of protagonists like his Ranma or (in this fic's case) Ukyo, isn't he?
Ryoga
escaped undipped.
Suggest finding another word for 'undipped'. Not every last verb added with the prefix 'un' can be
called actual, dictionary-verifiable words. Perhaps you could make use of 'un-dipped' or some
such?
In the days
following Jusenkyo, Ryoga quickly developed an
attraction to Ranma�s female form, evidently
convincing himself that she was now a real girl.
His earlier attraction to Ukyo despite this, did
not wane.
[Soapbox: That paragraph right there describes perfectly what I hate about B&C. Out-of-the-blue,
you've lobotomized Ryoga into Kuno.]
An accident with the Dragon�s Whisker porridge
led to Ranma having to effectively lock himself
in his cursed form with the waterproof soap for
the meantime. An almost kiss between Ranma and
Ukyo was inadvertently foiled by Genma,
How to tell an Ukyo fanboy from a non-Ukyo fanboy: Show them a scene of Ranma and Ukyo having an
ambiguous almost kiss, and then it's only the Ukyo fanboy who'll pick it up. I must be a non-Ukyo
fanboy, 'coz I only realized it just now in this summary of what happened before.
who has
motives of his own. Ukyo�s affluent uncle provided
the trio with transport back to Japan.
Suggest: replacing 'transport' to 'transportation'.
Planes screamed overhead the packed Chengdu airport.
Thousands of travellers, unable to engage in such
an indulgence, wearily waited on their respective
flights. It didn�t do anyone�s patience any
favours when it was announced that there was a
disturbance that would cause another delay. A
multitude of sighs answered the declaration made
by the various large speakers positioned
throughout the buildings. When such a proclamation
is made, people tend to make certain assumptions
as to the nature of the problem. The more
paranoid passenger may suspect a bomb threat,
or perhaps there was a foiled attempt at smuggling
contraband aboard a plane.
Er, the shorter number of characters per line on the above paragraph doesn't go well with the
number of characters per line on the subsequent paragraphs after it. In short, this fic has weird
formatting problems. Suggest finding a way to revise it to be consistent.
I must note that there's a significant improvement in the way you handle your prose in this
chapter. Its distinct lack of obscure words leads to a tighter and free-flowing read. Granted, it
has a bit of a problem when it comes to redundancy issues (the "declaration, proclamation" issue,
in particular), but in general your narrative has indeed improved.
The less dramatic, and more pragmatic
Suggest: Replace "pragmatic" to "practical".
passengers dismissed the
delay as the cause of un-kept schedules, and inept airport staff.
The more cynical airline customers proposed that they send
someone to the airport pharmacy and fetch the pilot a hangover
cure, should they ever expect to take off.
What... well-characterized groups of passengers. :P
If indeed there was one thing all these passengers had in
common, it was that they would never believe the actual source
of the disturbance was small, lavender-haired girl belligerently
...disturbance was a small, (add the article 'a' in between 'was' and 'small')
wielding two oversized baby-rattles.
(gets hit by a brick after the fic crashed into the fourth wall) Ow. (the lump of disbelief forms
on my noggin)
My pleas may ultimately be futile since your audience loves these little pieces of... exposition,
but I highly suggest keeping the "fanon opinion" like "Shampoo = small Chinese girl carrying two
oversized baby-rattles" in check. It's distracting and intrusive to my reading.
�What�s complicated about it?� boggled the girl.
Nitpick: 'boggled' isn't a speech indicator. Granted, people actually use not speech-indicators to
continue a sentence after dialogue, but if this isn't what you intended to do, then here's a heads
up. (Hell, 'boggled' is bordering fanon terms, even... It's right up there with 'sweatdropped' and
'chibify').
Shampoo saw red mist. They had toyed with her, annoyed her and
denied her. And now this man had dare
dared
�You! You are nothing!� she proclaimed haughtily.
(blinks) This isn't the Shampoo I'm used to, and I'd like to hear an explanation why she's acting
the way she's acting. So... why is she acting like so?
��Uh oh.�
There's a stray underscore (i.e. _ ) right before 'Uh'. Oh, and I do believe the "Uh oh" phrase is
missing a line space.
Some miles away, another traveller, accompanied by two trusted
vassals, pursued
Extra space in between 'vassals,' and 'pursued'.
the same quarry. If for a (not entirely)
dissimilar reason.
Suggest: replacing 'dissimilar' with 'different'.
he thought, fanciful images of sea-faring drama flashing
through his mind.
Suggest: adding 'create'/'produced'/'brought'/whatnot in between 'thought,' and 'fanciful'.
One may have described the Musk Prince as
being giddy as a schoolgirl at whole idea, had one little
concern for their own regularity of breathing.
(gets hit by a stray brick as the fourth wall yet again shatters) Ow! Hey! Watch it!
Carefully unrolling the canvas, he gazed starry-eyed at the
beautiful portrait that Mint had produced. He�d
Extra space in between 'produced.' and 'He'd'.
Hearing Mint�s account of how he�d overheard a confrontation
in the forest just outside Musk territory, the dragon-prince
had bid him continue.
to continue
conversation between the purple haired woman
purple-haired woman (Compound phrases used as descriptors should be hyphenated)
The sagacious
Suggest: replacing 'sagacious' with 'wise' or 'perceptive'.
artless blundering to mar the moment. So, taking the Musk
artefact,
artifact
the Chiisuiton, in hand, Herb made his way to the
magical pools which had so must
much
The naked girl had snatched the Chiisuiton in Herb�s
shocked state. He was fortunate that the heavily dressed
person had been in the way of the locking water�s splash.
Oh great. So the guide is now locked as a girl? Sucks to be him.
Guide: Suck to be in Batter & Curses fic.
form - generally the times when he sent Mint and Lime away
on busy-work.
Er... what's a busy-work? This is the first I've ever heard of this.
Mint had returned that day a with destination and a name.
...with a destination and a name.
Amidst a crisply cold queuing
(faints) Somebody can actually spell 'queuing' right on the first try! I guess that's one of the
advantages of being so fond of vocab words. ^_^
area, a heavily clothed girl
Not quite sure about this, but suggest: heavily-clothed girl (though I could be wrong).
buried her gloveless hands deep into her pockets, the weather
doing the extremities
Er... what extremities? Or is it... whose extremities? O_o
heavily-clothed girl: Kyaaa! Hentai! (slappies)
�No, its Billy Connoly,� the freckled girl rolled her eyes
at the boy�s flummoxed expression. �Of course its me.
Revise: "Of course it's me."
Ryoga broke into a gleeful simper.
Why is Ryoga simpering gleefully? It gives me the visual of a villain of a melodrama... or Dick
Dastardly playing as Ryoga.
Suggest: Ryoga broke into a gleeful smile.
�Everywhere, ah think,� he answered honestly, in English.
Then something clicked. �Wait jus�a sec? Did you say Hearts
are playin� reet now!?�
I wonder how horrible Ryoga's English would sound if his Japanese accent and his (presumably)
adopted Irish brogue mixed... (winces)
~You are a contemptible creep. You understand this, don�t you?~
~As per agreement, I�ll reinstate the curb on that clan-curse
of his. �As soon as he�s back in China.�~
You two again? -_- Shessh, not naming them and making them use tildes when they speak isn't really
that much of an improvement.
Shampoo brooded at what she�d been reduced to. She had had to
Though repeating 'had' is acceptable during certain situations, I don't think it's called for
here.
through a hastily made
portal in the airport wall, and thanking Artemis
Artemis: (blinkies) Er... welcome?
Oscar: Arty... ~Aaaarrttyy...~
Artemis: Whoops. Gottagobye! (zips away)
Er, I don't think the Joketsoku are _that_ kind of Amazons.
to the airport after dark and sneak onto a departing aircraft
was somewhat set back when
Extra space in between 'back' and 'when'.
She
made a mental note not to cripple any of them, though. It
might adversely affect the journey�s swiftness, if those
manning the boat were
boat was
course. He approached the bar where his crew were
crew was
He pushed aside the door to the clich�d bar, chuckling,
�Boys, wait until you all get a load of th��
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�Excusez-moi. O� est le W.C?�
�Cosa?� replied the Italian vendor.
�Oh, merde,� he sighed, resignedly.
9_9
[Soapbox: Say what you will about Ryoga Hibiki being well-versed in many languages and how funny
this was when you wrote it. I still don't buy it.]
was unashamedly drinking in the sight of her. The sheer
effrontery!
Suggest: replacing 'effrontery' with 'impudence'.
energy, she raised her arms to simultaneously blast the
skulking cat and the impolite gawker.
Um, there's no such word as 'gawker'. Though I think it's allowable if there are no readily
available substitutes.
Before she could release the fury of her ki, the man had
dived at and beyond her.
Suggest: revising 'dived at and beyond' to 'jumped over'
Damnit! Why had he done that? Now he�d confused her even more!
And he was still looking at her naked body, too! Again, the
only recognisable emotion Herb felt was frustrated anger at
her inability to understand the source of her own inaction.
Akane: (waxing nostalgic)
She grabbed it
Grabbed what? What is 'it'?
and locked eyes with the rescuer/pervert/
intruder/deviant. In a tone she had expected to sound far
more imperious than it did, she promulgated,
Suggest: replacing 'imperious' with 'authoritative' (since this is Herb's POV), and 'promulgated'
with 'declared'.
�I am Herb, heir to the Musk, and I would know the name
of the man who presumes to spy upon my royal person!�
Proper forms had to observed after all.
What an ironic sentence. It is proclaiming proper forms to be observed thought its own formation
is improper.
Suggest: Proper forms had to be observed after all (add 'be' after 'to' and before 'observed').
It wouldn�t do
to kill the stranger without names and titles being
exchanged. The man�s smile faded, and golden-eyed girl
and the golden-eyed girl
�Hey!� Herb protested loudly. �Get back here, you jerk!�
she called after him. Had those been� tears? She ran from
the stream, not finding any sign of him. �What�s wrong?�
she asked the forest. �Come back,� she insisted softly.
��Please?�
[Soapbox: Oh great, Herb's infected by your the fic's version of Jusenkyo... a form-changing,
characterization-lobotomizing Jusenkyo.]
Oh, and before I forget... Again, there are formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's
autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext,
three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�Why?� choked the man as he ran from the exotic beauty.
�Why did she have to ask?� He sniffed, as reached his
campsite a gathered up his pack.
Sou ka. Taro. Though Herb actually did him a favor. He won't have the embarrassment of falling in
love with a 'fem-boy'. Though, knowing the weird and shudder-inducing nature of this fic, that'd
probably change soon.
The serene atmosphere
now seemed dull and lifeless. Oh, why had she had to
ask _that?_
Revise: Oh, why did she have to ask _that?_
Nitpick... suggest, 'ask _that_?'
Of course she was going to ask.
Stray space before 'Of course...' You weren't indenting before, so don't start now. Be consistent.
smoothly taking off. As he flew west over the forest, he
glanced down. Perhaps then�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Oh thank you gods, it�s a miracle!
You seem to be in a... chirpy mood today.
Narrative Prose: Dat's coz I just got my buzz! Weeeeeeee!!! ^___^
It had quickly become apparent to the meandering youth
I don't think you need the 'had' in between 'It' and 'quickly'.
This acceptance
sadly did not serve to increase the volume of his bladder.
Er, I think you meant 'decrease', not 'increase'.
But fewer still would assume it somebody of Ryoga Hibiki�s
Revise: add 'if' after 'it' and somebody'
As a btw, at this point, the pacing is rather bland and slow. Yes, people are quite familiar with
Ryoga's eccentricities, thankyouverymuch.
~You ARE aware that that dog�s presence can negate the
curse you�ve been so callously abusing?~
~It�ll be worth it.~
stfu
had witnessed when she first approached the ship�s captain,
they had conducted themselves like�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Orientating herself, she took a moment to look
�through�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of single smart quotes (�through�) with the plaintext, single straight quotes ('through').
considered, she may even intercept them. It was not
that far-fetched a notion. Her quarry would likely
have relaxed their hegira
Suggest: replacing 'hegira' with a simpler word.
Tapping her teeth with a calloused index finger,
Ew. How unhygienic and unfeminine. Suggest getting rid of this part, it paints an unintentionally
dirty and rustic picture of the Amazon... Or was that your intent? If that was your intent, then
why did you intend this?
of darts tipped with neurotoxin venom, and a tripwire
or four she could�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Those perfect, determined lips;
those rubicund, burgundy eyes that sparkled like�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
continued to stare across the docks that the�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Swinging a grappling hook that accurately, too
Extra space in between 'accurately,' and 'too'.
was to murder. After he�d found those two he�d�err�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
unquestionable faith in Shampoo�s good judgement.
Revise: judgment.
Mousse finding out that Shampoo's not as perfect as he thought she was? OOC! He is incapable of
such common sense, as evidenced by both the canon and the anime source.
Unable to help her on the rooftops, he had had
Revise: replace the second 'had' with 'to'
stand back and hope she could evade the chasing
police forces on her own.
Strike two... Mousse not helping Shampoo out in her time of need, even though it was her own fault
for getting into such a mess. A bit OOC for him as well. Granted, his 'help', at times, may
actually make things worse than before, but that'd certainly be more believable than him not
trying to help at all.
In any case, care to explain why Mousse suddenly gained this inexplicable insight on Shampoo?
To his monumental relief,
she had consummately escaped after
Extra space in between 'escaped' and 'after'.
Unfortunately, with his confidence in Shampoo ruffled
uncomfortably, his original conviction of this
�Ukyo�s� womanising nature and the arbitrary death
sentence he placed upon him, had been distressingly
shaken.
(groan) -_-
Author: No, the reason for Mousse's insightfulness isn't Ukyo-worship! It's perfectly common
knowledge that Ukyo can do no evil, so of course Mousse would have his doubts to her supposed
evilness after seeing Shampoo do rash things which she usually does anyway. It doesn't matter that
roughly the same events passed through Mousse's eyes in the canon source and he was still blinded
with his perception of Shampoo, despite evidence to the contrary. It's different when it's Ukyo,
because Ukyo's saintliness would eventually shine through, exposing the true Shampoo to Mousse.
(sigh) Gimme those soapbox brackets.
[Soapbox: In the manga/anime/hell, even fanfiction, Mousse remains consistently blinded with his
perception of Shampoo not being able to do bad things despite evidence to the contrary _right in
his face_ (must be because he's literally blind). Now that Ukyo is Shampoo's object of affection,
instead of making Mousse canonically jealous, you're making him doubt Shampoo? That sounds very,
very fanboyish to me. It's like you as an author have twisted events and lobotomized characters so
as to fluff Ukyo's fall. To me, it's as if you're willing to sacrifice believability for the sake
of playing favorites. It's "Ukyo can do no evil" vs. "Mousse's perception of Shampoo being
perfect"... In an Ukyo worship fic, you can easily guess which one will win out. Personally, I
think you've made Mousse perceptive and Shampoo look bad for the sole purpose of making Ukyo look
good, and for me that's NOT GOOD WRITING _AT ALL_. If you really want Mousse to be perceptive, try
to at least follow Natural Progression or make some sort of precedence as to why he would think
that... because right now, that little swerve in plot makes Mousse look OOC. His perceptiveness
came out of the blue, without anything to segue it with, and the only reason in my mind as to why
you would do it is because of Ukyo. Ukyo the Saint in Prozac. In any case, I would _love_ to see
you prove me wrong. I would _love_ to see you cite canon source evidence that'd make Mousse
randomly perceptive in inopportune times. I'd love to look it up and see how this actually fits...
'coz the alternative of you playing faves just doesn't sit well with me at all. I'm not against
character development, granted that there's actual 'developing' in the prose. What I don't buy is
Mousse being like this at his _first_ appearance in the fic.]
Sure, anybody could lose their cool in an airport,
but what she did to that guy in Wuhan for hitting on
her had seemed� excessive. Mousse had planned to kick
his ass afterward, but he didn�t have the heart
considering what Shampoo had inserted in there.
Joe Schmoe: What is going on?!
[Soapbox: On the flipside, I'd also love to know what Shampoo has ever done to you for you to cram
fanfic Akane's bitch pills down her throat. This is very reminiscent of the psychotic tendencies
Shampoo displayed in Hybrid Theory... I didn't buy that one either. Perhaps you have an excuse
like the authors of HT did? I've missed some important character development, so I'm taking all
this OOC business 'out of context'? Perhaps Shampoo's little shenanigans from before is what you
think constitutes 'character development? Well, I don't buy that as well. Shampoo was very much
adamant in getting Ranma in the canon source, but she nonetheless never gotten to the point where
she'd harm innocents who get in her way. That's Kodachi Kuno's shtick, not hers. You could perhaps
argue that she's already been stewing in her own juices her to the point that she'd go to such
extremes, but _nothing_ was done to her at the airport that could justify her violent actions.
Whenever she goes into a violent frenzy, it's usually aimed at Ranma and for good reason... One,
Ranma can take the beating and two, Ranma has done something to make her jealous. In your fic, a
guard touched her, and then she goes berserk for no good reason whatsoever? Granted, she could
have done some damage to the guard, but the extremes you made her go through such that even
_Mousse_ is getting doubts about her noble intentions is very much OOC.]
The
darkly clothed man�s personal odds that the village
champion would experience a mini-epiphany like his before
finding the pair were slimmer than Shampoo�s taught waist.
This too, added fuel to the fire of his growing unease.
(sigh) Maybe this is Nega-Mousse from the Negaverse, seeing that he's wearing dark robes instead
of silky white robes... It'd explain his out-of-the-blue insightfulness quite nicely.
He stepped inside his front door, frantically
contemplating means to avoid such an unhappy conclusion.
He could check up on the pair�s whereabouts (if they
were indeed reregistered at another school) at his own�
on his own...
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Fist sledged palm with a loud �Aha!�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of single smart quotes (�Aha!�) with the plaintext, single straight quotes ('Aha!').
�Shirokuro! C�mere girl!� The dog was quickly beside
her master, panting patiently, leash dragging behind.
OIC. The dog is B&C's equivalent of Ryoga's 'tracking device' in the ending parts of Genma's
Daughter.
[Soapbox: I'm wondering what the point of this plot point is. It's essentially getting rid of
Ryoga's 'Ryoga-ness'. First, the P-chan curse had gone kaput, and now even Ryoga's bad sense of
direction is going bye-bye. I'm not sure if Ryoga's really going through the Natural Progression
of Character Development with the way he's acting and reacting to events right now. The more I
delve into this world of Ukyo worship, the more Ryoga devolves into something that barely even
resembles the Ryoga that many fans are familiar with. For me, he's becoming a new character
altogether, and not in a natural or believable way.]
Finished restocking the kitchen,
That sounds like a fragmented phrase. Suggest: After Ryoga finished restockign the kitchen,
he had briefly lent Ukyo for her cursed form. Ryoga hadn�t
washed it because he�ah,
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Oh, and space in between 'he...' and 'ah'. Or suggest: "he, ah"
He looked up at Shirokuro sniffing curiously at the
container before him. �No girl!� He shied her away.
Suggest: revising 'shied' to 'shooed'
of furniture in a flapping hand.
Extra space in between 'flapping' and 'hand'.
picked up the flask. It was empty. �Someone up there
has it in for me.�
Eminem: Well, fuck them and fuck you too.
His lamentation ceased as he heard
a piteous moan from beneath the shattered table. He
urgently tossed aside the pieces of wood,
Extra space in between 'of' and 'wood'.
>from beneath two-toned hair at his own. A vein threatened
to bulge on his brow
Pulsating vein? Why, is he angry at Shikuro?
��Rrga?� questioned the naked girl,
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
before grinning at
her hands. �Rrga!� she chimed, grabbing the frozen
martial artist in a grateful hug. She let go
abruptly and began ecstatically bouncing around
the house, giggling like a loon.
Uh-huh. So she acts like Lime of Saber Marionette J fame, eh?
screw it up. And he�d lost the water, too. �How the
frick am I supposed to��
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
screw-up.� He barked out a brief laugh. �Someone
else can take responsibility for this craptastic
I think you're making up words. When used informally, like in an email, it's tolerable, but when
used in rather fic writing, it offers IMO lots of 'sucktitude', if you catch my drift.
quagmire.�
IMO, the fact that you're using 'craptastic' with 'quagmire' makes about as much sense as putting
chocolate on raw fish... or mustard on ice cream.
Also, is this the Natural Progression Ryoga has taken when assigning blame? Now that he doesn't
have Ranma to blame for his problems, he'd instead decide to ignore it and have someone else take
care of it? ?_?
�Stay!� And with her first word, the dog-girl dashed
out of the house.
Heh. At the very least, the dog-girl scene was cute.
Seeing what her rapidly increasing
intelligence told her was her de facto mentor in this
strange, new and oddly cold world.
I have no idea what you're intending to do with this. I'll leave it up to you to somehow resolve
(or not to resolve) this loose and weird plot point of yours.
This city was so frustrating!
Really?
Narrative Prose: Really.
Why should I take your word for it?
Narrative Prose: Well, who's telling the story?
Yeah? Well who's reading it?
Narrative Prose: The city's frustrating because it's frustrating, okay?
U-huh. Tell you what, show me how frustrating the city is and I'll decide for myself. Then we'll
call it a day.
I'm not sure that this is the best way to introduce this development.
That's an awfully blase way to describe it. Just mentioning that the city was frustrating doesn't
convey the feel of frustration to the reader. Try to show, rather than tell, how frustrating the
city is without telling the reader emphatically that the city is frustrating.
Suggest: getting rid of the above line and let the succeeding sentences speak for themselves.
despaired at the uphill battle in store when even locals
were unable to direct her with any surety.
Suggest: replacing 'surety' with 'certainty'.
Finding the
location of the Tendo Dojo had been painless.
The thought of this sentence and the succeeding sentences don't mesh.
Suggest: Finding the location of the Tendo Dojo had been painful.
Or: Get rid of this highly 'tell, not show' sentence altogether. Make the reader feel the pain
instead of telling the reader about the pain. Don't journalize so much.
Actually
getting there made her feel like someone had glued a jar
of gerbils to her kisser, and set a blowtorch on slow
burn to the end of the jar so that the rodents had to
eat through her face to escape�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
(blinks) Reminds me of some movie or the other... a non-anime-ish and decidedly Hollywood movie,
so pardon me while I extricate the brick from my face that came from the recently smashed fourth
wall...
�Okay, now I�m getting screwy�� she muttered to herself
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
in Mandarin. �And not in that pleasant Ucchan way,� she
added, blushing.
9_9 [Soapbox: Yes, fic... make all the characters gush at the new protagonist of your story.]
this far, it wouldn�t stop just because she�d fulfilled
the obligations with
Extra space in between 'obligations' and 'with'.
determinedly at her opponent. Loosing a pealing war cry,
Suggest: Letting loose a pealing war cry,
a lavender blur flew towards its target, it�s intent; lethal.
Revise: target; its intent, lethal.
Mousse hummed in appreciation at the coffee in his hands.
Revise: replace 'at' with 'of'
�Robust,� he commented in Japanese, �yet ethereally smooth
and soothing. Like the sound of an over-stimulated
rabbit�s heart monitor beeping in time with the roaring
sea, while children exchange flower necklaces dipped
in hummus��
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Huh. Ryoga has Kuno's lust, and now Mousse had Kuno's 'wordy and smarmy' tongue.
�Okay, now I�m getting screwy��
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of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Oh, and Mousse? Everybody's getting screwy in this fic... and not in the Nugar 'Everybody screws
everybody' kind of way, either.
�You want me to get you a decaf?� asked the waiter
warily.
Heh.
�You know what?� began Mousse, blinking behind his
glasses at the waiter�s afterimages. �That�s probably
a good idea.� The caf�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of an accented '�' in 'caf�' with the plaintext 'e', i.e. 'cafe'.
wasn�t the wisest choice available? Having never
drank coffee before,
Not sure, but I believe it should be 'drunk' instead of 'drank'
Mousse had opted for the old
baptism of fire routine�
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of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
and was now fighting off a
severe fit of giggles.
Hmmm. The 'drunk' correction earlier is apparently an unintentional double entendre.
right when he expected her to be, was Shampoo, still
looking disoriented at the unnavigable
Suggest: impassable/blocked/impenetrable, 'coz there's no such word as 'unnavigable'. Just because
you put in the prefix 'un' on any word doesn't necessarily mean that you've created a new word.
Looking over his shoulder, Ryoga had never felt so
mortified. (Even though that time he had confessed
his love to someone he thought was Ukyo came close.
Extra space in between 'thought' and 'was'.
That cross-dressing little weirdo would pay some day!)
Aaahhhhh. Too bad that little plot point with the 'cross-dressing little weirdo' has been
relegated to a running gag and throwaway mentions.
Tailing him was the girl the water had made out of his
pet,
Car-wreck sentence. Suggest revision.
Of course! Just like with Ranma! Great. Now, he�d
gone and depressed himself again. He couldn�t ask
the person behind him to just resume their life as a
dog, and act as his tracker�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�Ah, Hibiki-kun,� she smiled looking up from her gardening.
�Found that blaggard
What the hell is a blaggard?
�Don�t worry about _him_, Iwata-san,� directed Ryoga.
�He�s out of the picture.�
Ranma: Er, not exactly.
Ryoga: (ignoring Ranma) The male Ranma does not exist anymore!
Ranma: HEY! Don't say that! The author might get ideas! <_< >_>
��Ferr�en�,� tested the dog-girl. �Frur�friend!� she
exclaimed, yipping triumphantly.
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�She�s only learning Japanese today,� he answered
honestly.
Heh.
>�Um, Shiro-, I mean �Shiko��er, �Yoshiko�!�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�Well, the thing about that is��
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�Its not what you think!�
Revise: Its --> It's
�Hmm? Oh yes, silly me. The collar! You two are
playing dom games, aren�t you?�
'Dom' games? Ryoga isn't exactly a 'dirty old man', if that's what you mean.
�Kill me��
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
and whispered. �Such as not doing it in public in broad
Suggest: in public and in broad
�Eeep!� grimaced the dark-eyed boy,
'Eeep!' isn't a grimacing sound. Suggest: The dark-eyed boy grimaced,
Or: squeaked the dark-eyed boy,
�Or on second thought, you could both come inside. I�m
sure I could persuade the officers that �
Two extra spaces in between 'that' and '�'.
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�I am not your friend, Shirokuro. I�m your owner!�
�Own�er?� she repeated.
Line space in between "I am not your friend..." dialogue and "Own... er?" sentence.
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
His head whipped forward when a soprano
Just a heads up... You're using 'soprano' again without fully know how to use it.
what looked a dangerously obtuse angle.
You're missing the word 'like' in between 'looked' and 'a'.
If you
want to fight me, challenge me to match like a
real m- Hey, its you!�
it's you!"
�Huh?� asked Ryoga intelligently, as the lavender-haired
You don't need the comma after 'intelligently'.
off a public tree branch above Shampoo.
Er, what's a public tree? ?_?
�Listen here, lady! I�ve had about enough
crap piled on me as of late to have to deal with whatever
your issues are, too.�
I don't think you need the 'too'.
Saying, so, Ryoga gave a huge swing of his bamboo
Please, revise: Saying, so, Ryoga...
It sounds quite stilted in more ways than one.
Suggest: In so saying, Ryoga...
�Now you�re going to tell
me exactly why you�re contriving
Suggest: Revise 'contriving' to 'plotting'
to pile more crap
onto the garbage heap that�s been my existence as
of late.�
Er, I don't think Ryoga makes use of the 'as of late' phrase. Sounds to formal for Ryoga's speech
pattern. I suggest you remove it since it sounds quite extraneous and unnatural.
�Amazon womans rather die than give in to-� she
blinked
'she blinked' isn't a speech indicator, so suggest capitalizing 'she' (i.e., 'She blinked...')
who had gathered to watch the naked chick�
Heh. This is one of the few fanservicey parts that actually gave me a chuckle.
Oh, yeah. Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's
version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Shampoo gulped deeply, as she got back her breath.
Revise: Shampoo gulped deeply as she got back her breath.
Please maintain proper punctuation please.
She scanned the area for her anonymous benefactor.
He couldn�t be here, could he?
Cries of �He can�t be human!� and �Maybe its just a
Revise: Maybe it's just a... (change 'its' to 'it's')
Snarling furiously, Ryoga slowly got back to his
vertical base,
Suggest: replace 'got back to his vertical base' to 'stood up' or 'got back to his feet'
�Oh� bye!� and with that she fled through the city
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of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
streets, the bandanna-wearing demon in hot pursuit.
(blinks) So, um... Where are Ranma and Ukyo? Oh, and what's the main point of this scene, pray
tell?
�If I recall correctly,� thought Mousse aloud over
the din of approaching police sirens, �that guy has
navigational skills that make a lemming look shrewd.�
A little factoid here... 'factoid' is an actual word. Oh, and here's another one:
Fact: The myth of lemmings having the tendency to go en masse into a mass aquatic suicide was
propagated by the infamous Disney propaganda film pretending to be a documentary. It is reported
that the makers of the film actually forced and herded the lemmings into a watery grave. The fact
is, the little mammals have no more a tendency to drown themselves as any other mammal.
Source: snopes.com
Also: the fact that Mousse is aware of the Disney propaganda myth is largely unbelievable to me as
a reader. Unless you have documented proof that this myth (of largely western origin) is
well-known to this Chinese boy of eastern and _rural_ descent, then I'll declare this yet another
instance of fourth wall breakage; Mousse knows something that he wasn't supposed to know and all
that.
Shampoo would lose him in no time, he realised. He
could track her down from the trademark trail of
debris
Disclaimer: 'Trail' is the trademark of Debris. All rights reserved.
Suggest: not using 'trademark' that way.
She made to leap
atop a small diner,
Suggest: She leapt atop a small diner, (simplify as much as you can).
�You�re mine, now,� grinned the hellspawn, baring his
inhuman fangs.
I hazily remember a debate about the usage of 'grinned', 'smiled', etc. as speech indicators, so
whatever. FYI IMO AFAIK, 'grinned' isn't a speech indicator, so the sentence should be revised as
'The hellspawn grinned'.
�You
never beat me, man-demon!� grimaced the girl, as a
tug-of-war ensued.
I hazily... Oh wait. In any case, you know what sort of correction is needed about when it comes
to using 'grimaced' as a speech indicator. It's up to you: poetic license or stringent grammar
checks?
�Hey, I know you Amazons have the this
Pick: 'the' or 'this'
girl-power
thing going on,
(wondering if the concept of 'girl-power' as an English Buzz Word has reached Japan) Hmmm...
�I�ll find you!� he
promised taking off down the street,
You're forgetting a comma after 'promised'
Mousse bounded across the roofs of Tokyo, patiently
awaiting a response from his cargo.
�Yoshiko, you say?� pondered Mousse when the girl
finally gave her answer.
Extra space between "...say?" and 'pondered'.
�You stop!� she called out. �Am right here!�
Heh.
�Huh?� muttered the fanged boy, abruptly halting.
Extra space in between 'boy,' and 'abruptly'.
Shampoo dropped to the ground with relief. He
turned, and grinned nastily.
Extra space in between 'and' and 'grinned'.
�So there you are.�
He stepped grimly towards her prone form. �I don�t
know how you�ve hidden from me,� he said grabbing
You're missing a comma after 'said'.
at his umbrella, fighting off a sweat drop
Suggest: replacing 'sweat drop' with 'embarrassment' or 'sheepishness'. Maintaining the anime feel
is one thing, but writing effectively in prose is another.
when he
saw the bandanna still attached to his wrist, �but
for all the crap you�ve put me through, you shall
pay!�
Actually, I'd imagine a more IC (albeit hackneyed and cliched) Ryoga to say, "but for all the hell
you've put me through, you shall pay!" Funny how one word change the feel of a statement in terms
of characterization, ne?
He raised the umbrella, glad the girl didn�t
whimper in fear,
Suggest: adding 'that' in between 'glad' and 'the'.
lest he lose his nerve to chastise
her. Strangely, not only did she seem unafraid, but
she was chuckling sinisterly�
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of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Still puzzled as to why the demon would transport
her back to the one place she would be safe from him,
Shampoo entered her home to find her great-grandmother
perched upon a stool in the main room. The antediluvian
O_o
I'm getting flashes of my High School English Subject and "Increase your Vocabulary in Two Weeks"
books. Suggest: replacing 'antediluvian' with the more common place 'prehistoric', 'primeval' or
(the most 'succinct' and understated among all the suggestions) 'old'.
�So you _are_ back, Granddaughter. I had hoped that
Xun-Daofu was mistaken��
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of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Awww. No more fanficcy puns on hair products over every _last_ Amazonian warrior? :) Or perhaps
I'm only missing the pun here...
�Great-Grandmother,� began the girl questioningly.
�Are you not happy to see me?� she asked, somewhat
hurt at the cold reception.
I think this sentence ("Great-Grandmother," began...) and this sentence ("Are you not happy to see
me?" she...) should be together in one paragraph.
�Of course not, Great-Grandmother! That demon? My
husband is still somewhere� in� Japan� oh no��
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Suggest: somewhere... in... Japan... Oh no..."
�None, Elder,� answered Xun-Daofu. �He just came
willingly, laughing in own language about the universe
conspiring against him, or something to that effect.
It was very strange.� She opened a door and led the
multi-centenarian
She's not _that_ old, by either manga or anime standards. Or else Shampoo would be adding one or
two 'greats' after 'great-grandmother'.
The Matriarch peered into the cell, assessing the
contentedly snoozing figure on the floor. Even
sleeping,
Suggest: 'Even when sleeping," or 'Even while sleeping'.
Ryoga awoke from a wonderful dream involving Ranma,
Ukyo and a loofah, to a rather less pretty sight.
Fangirl: A dream involving Ranma, Ukyo and a loofah, except you're all male?
Ryoga: Whu? Hey! Now you have _me_ imagining it! Ack! (shudders)
�Young man,� she spoke in Japanese, �I understand
that my great-granddaughter,� she indicated the
chagrined looking
chagrined-looking
�And during one
of these misunderstandings, while operating under
the premise that you were a hellspawned demon,�
Suggest: replacing 'premise' with 'assumption' or 'belief'
the
old woman glared at her scion, whose abashed
Suggest: replacing 'scion' with 'granddaughter' or something... anything else (I get your general
meaning, but still this can be substituted with a simple word... There's no excuse in using it,
IMO. It doesn't add to the storytelling or to the plot at all).
�If I taught you a most powerful technique, would
you consider this boon fulfilled?�
[Soapbox: This is, in essence, an alt-verse... but it's soooo just 'reshuffling the events of the
source material' instead of 'creating new and exciting twist to the old and hackneyed genre'. I
mean, Ryoga's merely getting his 'power-up/new technique' by other means... It's the same old
thing! And the new stuff that you do introduce are so alien to the series that they stick out like
sore thumbs (i.e. fourth wall breakage, Western references and jokes, OOC knowledge that the
characters aren't supposed to know). And you can't even make use of 'character development' or
'plot progression' to excuse yourself because none of these alien plot points were segued properly
in the fic. They might as well have come down on parachutes by the way the appeared (i.e. out of
the blue). I mean, c'mon... Ryoga becoming Kuno, then an Irishman, then some guy that's so flatly
characterized you could exchange him with a dozen other anime guys... Yeesh, does Natural
Progression mean _anything_ to you? What's new in this fic is just ol' rehashed stuff I've already
watched and read, and the other new stuff don't even really fit in the Ranma 1/2 continuity. It
doesn't mesh at all.]
And now back to our regularly scheduled C&C.
�You, old lady?� sniggered Ryoga. �You can�t be serious?�
�As as heart attack,�
Revise: second 'as' into 'a'.
she grinned forebodingly.
Wrongly used speech indicator or stylistic preference?
�I could instruct you in a manoeuvre
I may be wrong, but I do believe that _that's_ not the Yankee _or_ non-Yankee spelling of
'maneuver'... AFAIK.
that could
allow you destroy the very walls of this building,
or the bars of this cell.�
Cologne: And I'll teach you this for no apparent reason... Oh wait, there's that flimsy excuse...
no, er plot point... NO! Er... author directive... I mean, 'boon' that we have to fulfill. Yeah...
That's the ticket....
Please do provide a more concrete reason for Cologne to teach Ryoga anything. But even if you
disagree (as you already garnered quite a following despite of or even because of this rehash the
plot thing you're doing), do what you want to do. My two cents is that Cologne's following a
rather scripted approach where the reader would end up with (yawn) another one of Takahashi's plot
points used and reused here. I mean, what's the point of alt-verse if you can't make radical
changes or follow natural progression?
Teaching the
Bakusai Tenketsu would be pointless, this boy already
possessing the toughness the hideous training regimen
provided.
Strange that she couldn't see the power Ryoga would further possess by the BT training.
�Almost like something Happi would do, �
the woman mused.
That went over my head. What is that _something_ that Happousai would do?
�You shall wait here until our return,� Cologne
directed the muscular lad.
Narrative Prose: Oh yeah, btw her name's Cologne. Just a head's up there, gentle reader.
Rader: (grumbles)
Segueing Cologne's name as a sort of introduction would be great, so please do that (unless I
simply missed the intro while I was scanning and snipping large blocks of texts, in which case
never mind).
�I will ruminate on
Suggest: replacing 'ruminate on' with 'think over'
clearing, still a day from Jusenkyo, while she
goggled
Cologne: I love surfing the web. Old meets new, ne?
She decided that the Splitting Cat Hairs technique
wouldn�t be appropriate either.
Ha. Ha. Ha. So very funny. Ha. Ha. Ha.
this girl was cordial, civil and -
�I�LL KILL YOU!!!�
Seems to me, intentionally or unintentionally, you're really stacking all the bad luck on Ryoga.
It's almost like Takahashi's penchant of making Ranma the center of the mess...
�Its okay. She didn�t hurt me,� he commented in
unfeigned nonchalance.
...'cept for the little fact that Ryoga is starting to get annoying with the stuff he's getting
away with. I couldn't make heads or tails out of your characterization of good ol' ex-pig boy.
[Soapbox: One moment he's IC, the next moment he's Kuno, and the next moment he's Irish/Scottish/I
have no idea, and the next moment he's a generic strong anime guy. Other than that, the only
identifiable trait of IC Ryoga left, terrible sense of direction, is done and overdone it gets old
fast (mostly because most of his other interesting attributes... designating blame for Ranma,
embarrassment and shyness instead of lust and more lust for girls, P-chan-ness, his wild temper,
etc... are mostly gone or hasn't been utilized for one reason or the other) because he's
overcompensating for his lack of character depth with an over-the-top one-trait characterization.
Couple that with the cheap jokes and narrative one-liners, and... really, your Ryoga is grossly
inconsistent with proper characterization, development and natural progression. IMO.]
scrunched up ominously as her lungs inflated�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�WAAAAAHHHH! I HATE YOU! I WISH I�D NEVER
MET YOU!�
Shampoo and her father blinked in stereo as the girl
You're missing a line space in between "WAAAAAHHH!" and "Shampoo and her..." sentences.
�Can you direct us to the Nyaniichuan?� asked the
unusually reticent
Even though we both like 'reticence' as a word, I highly suggest you replace 'reticent' with
'silent'. Why? Because that kind of word is out of place in this rather tongue-in-cheek type of
comedic narrative. Use the word when you're describing an epic battle or the setting in a grand
medieval castle... not while you're simply describing Cologne's unusual silence.
�Don�t worry, little one,� she soothed her, �I
just need to know where it is in order to avoid
it.� The cheering became somewhat muted.
If Shampoo's already cheering 'inside', then her cheering is already muted, regardless of whether
she ceases it or not.
�Hmm,�
frowned the old woman. �Its seems, dear, that you
Replace: 'Its' with 'It'.
�Something vital. Something of more significance
in the grand scheme of my life than anything else
one could fathom��
���
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
He followed the pair to the unassuming looking spring,
Revise: unassuming-looking spring (there should be a hyphen to combine the two words used as
descriptors)
�Shampoo, follow!� she commanded, as she leaped
she commanded as she leaped (get rid of the comma after 'commanded')
The battle was hard fought, skilful
skillful
�The Maoniichuan,� provided the de facto guide,
Grammar rule # 12: Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos. ('de facto', I mean... not
'Maoniichuan')
Suggest: getting rid of the 'de facto' thing as use a tamer, non-foreign descriptor/adjective.
unbidden. �In Jusenkyo, there is a very tragic
legend of a cat that drowned in a spring eighteen
hundred years ago. Now whoever falls� into� the spring�
takes� the body of��
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�What�s wrong?� asked Shampoo as she emerged noisily
>from the spring. The silence was deafening. �What are
you all looking at?�
Hmmm. Plot point.
loathe to manoeuvre
(shrug) Um... not sure, but perhaps you should revise 'manoeuvre' to 'maneuvre'? AFAIK FYI,
'Yankees' spell it as 'maneuver.'
the okonomiyaki cart into the
heavily wooded forest. One that apparently concealed
a famous male martial artists� training ground.
heavily-wooded forest (Compound phrases used as descriptors should be hyphenated) Oh, and suggest
adding a (non-MS word/whatever program) ellipsis after forest, because the next sentence is a
fragment.
While not exactly the most arrogant duo, Ranma Saotome
and Ukyo Kuonji certainly did not want for confidence
in their own abilities. Their mutual dismissive scoffs
at Panda-chan�s declaration were however, soon to be
replaced with mutual groans of pain, as Genma quite
handily wiped the floor with each of them.
Heh.
The pair wondered at how such
a powerful martial artist could completely transform
into a snivelling coward under the correct
circumstances. They were beginning to suspect
that their sensei had more layers than he had
ever let on.
Don't ruin the good piece of character study by journalizing the fact that Genma has 'more layers
than he had ever led on'. Let the reader judge his actions for themselves, please. Admittedly, the
'Genma can kick ass' parts stand out as one of the better parts of this fic. At the very least, it
makes reading this fic bearable for me.
Nonetheless, this situation was �bread and
butter� Genma Saotome.
It was a male training ground they were
You're missing a line space after 'Genma Saotome' and before 'It was a male...'
approaching. This coupled with the need to guard
the yatai, Genma had naturally declared that his
manly son and he head onward,
Er, Genma naturally declared that his manly son _what_? Oh, and adding 'and he head onward' after
the fragmented thought sounds weird. Try it by reading it aloud. Very, very weird. Suggest major
revision, 'coz I don't know what you're trying to say here.
while Ukyo remained
with the cart. Perhaps setting up roadside and
take advantage of the irregular halt in their
wandering.
...Whu?
I'm getting the impression that you were half-asleep when you wrote this. Suggest: Perhaps setting
up roadside taking advantage for the irregular halt in their wandering (fill in the blanks after
'wandering', 'coz your sentence is hanging and a fragment).
�Give it a rest, Pop,� she groaned. �Even with
this manliness shtick, I don�t see how I,� she
pointed a thumb at her chest �am gonna fit in
at a male only dojo, or whatever this place is.�
[Soapbox: Personally, I think Ranma would jump at the chance to be male, despite her current
situation. The only times he embraces his 'femininity' is when he needs to get something out of
it... from saving Akane to getting parfaits to learning a new technique... or when he's conked on
the head and he actually _thinks_ he's a girl. Otherwise, despite his outward appearance, Ranma'll
still try to assert his manliness.]
�Watch yourself, Sugar,� bid the cursed chef,
Suggest: replacing 'cursed chef' with 'Ukyo'.
Damn, grumbled Genma silently. The boy has
gotten far too comfortable with this curse
of his.
[Soapbox-ish:
Genma: I read the original manga and watched the anime... Talk about not following natural
progression!
Ranma: What are you talking about? Ukyo is with me = me accepting my being girly! Makes perfect
sense to me!
/Soapbox-ish]
Oh well, in in six months or so, if
Repetition of 'in'.
That this would
prevent taking it out of Genma�s hide
This line reads weird. Suggest revision.
when they
eventually surpassed him, down the line, didn�t
even come into it.
'It'? What is 'it'?
Unlike Ucchan, she couldn't so easliy
easily (or 'easilly' if that's how you guys over _there_ spell it *shrugs*)
get lost in
her cooking.
(waxing nostalgic at the time Ukyo beat Ranma into a pulp by reflexively preparing him like an
okonomiyaki) Hell yes. That she does.
Ranma supposed her friend had a
naturally affinity for the activity that she lacked.
natural affinity
She faced off
against a ninja who�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
A
second look showed Ranma an almost emaciated looking
girl donned in hand-me-down suit, with various
white patches sewn where the dark red material
had worn away threw age and wear.
Revise: 'threw' to 'through'.
Despite her
current gender, Ranma had enough teenage boy
Whew! Glad that _that's_ been cleared out. 9_9
was very attractive. More so even, than Ranma
herself, she adjudged,
Suggest: Even more so than herself, Ranma adjudged,
pay, Ranma asked rather lamely, �Uh, you hungry?�
Extra space between 'lamely,' and "Uh, you hungry?"
No response. Ranma sweat, as the ninja-girl
Ranma sweated as the ninja-girl
�Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!� she gasped
she gasped,
Your punctuation needs work, I believe.
�No, no, no, its free!�
it's free!"
Ranma waved her hands
frantically. With her luck, she wouldn�t be
Extra space in between 'frantically.' and 'With her luck,'
surprised if�
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�Er, say, does your clan by any
chance have a rule demanding the death of any
outsider who sells you any cabbage-based snacks
on Fridays?�
Heh. Though in fairness, his experience with Shampoo seemed like a one-of-a-kind thing.
�Hey! Wait a minute, I meant that one okonomiyaki,
not EVERYTHING!� The ninja flushed in embarrassment.
�Oh, I�m dreadfully sorry!� she apologised.
�Then why are you _still_ eating!?�
Heh.
�Such as Jusenkyo?� the lad asked dryly.
Suggest: "Like with Jusenkyou" the lad asked dryly. (In my mind, Ranma's speech is more grounded
and simple)
building. Favouring the panda with a glare cold
enough to freeze Bill Gate�s liquid assets,
(gets hit by a stray brick as the fourth wall shatters yet again) Ow.
� �Men�s Training Ground: Sexy Kunoichi
Teashop��
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Huh.� Genma chuckled nervously. �Good
feeling about this place, have you?�
>From complex sentence patterns to caveman speak. (blinks) Okay then.
Suggest: "I have a good feeling about this place. What about you?"
asked the
chef in a calm tone. Male, he may have presently
Get rid of the comma after 'Male'
been, but there was no question as to where his
sensibilities lay in regards to� this.
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Hoping to salvage some modicum
Suggest: revise 'modicum' to 'small amount'
Sometimes, even the worst expectations are
optimistic.
Insightful, that.
A girlishly screaming figure (followed frantically
by Ukyo) fled from three�beings,
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Oh, and add a space after the ellipsis and before 'beings,'
�Listen, its alright,� explained the redhead,
Revise: its --> it's
name.� The ninja stood with beaming face.
...stood with a beaming face.
�I am Kunoichi, Konatsu Kenzan. Shinobi indebted
to Miss�,� she trailed off suggestively.
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
'suggestively' connotes something altogether different from what you intended to connote, so
�Ranma-sama,� breathed the ninja girl
You were using 'ninja-girl' earlier. You have to be fairly consistent when using words and terms.
�N-now listen, here,� she spluttered. �I um,
already got ah�That is to say, that I�m already�
I mean, er��
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
�Hey, what the,�
Suggest: "Hey! What the...?"
�But she was� Weird��
Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please replace Word's version
of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted ellipsis '...'
Konatsu was ready to covertly pursue her mistress�
mistress's (because 'mistress' is not a plural word. Even with the 's' letter ending, the
apostrophe-no-'s' rule applies only to plural words that end with 's'.)
This is a rather common error, 'coz lots of people prefer the incorrect version because it sounds
more, um, correct to them than the correct version. (shrugs) All I can cite is:
Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
captors when she was abruptly smacked over her prone
skull. Groaning at the familiar pain, she fell to her
knees, lest the following hit be harder.
Suggest: get rid of 'the following' and simply say, 'lest she be hit harder'.
Ah, Konatsu... during his introductory scenes at least, pronouns are hard to use on him. (it's
weird to read about 'her' instead of 'him', knowing that he's really a 'him' instead of a 'her',
y'know?)
She sighed as
she was thumped a second time, her compliant figure,
falling to the earth.
You don't need the comma after 'figure'.
She soon rose to face the three
grotesqueries that were her step-family.
Suggest: stepfamily (it's an actual word)
This part is an example of when it's okay to use vocab words ('grotesqueries', as opposed to the
unsightly 'uglies').
�Konatsu!� growled her gremlin-like step-mother.
Suggest: stepmother (it's also an actual word)
After the three pummelled her docile form, Kotet
yelled,
�Get those people who did this to the shop and us!
Do you hear me?� Konatsu shined
Suggest: get the Konatsu sentence away from the dialogue that's obvious not his and combine the
dialogue to the previous, 'discontinued' sentence (I mean the 'After the three pummelled...'
sentence). Oh, and what does one do when one 'shines'? I'm fairly sure there isn't a nearby car
that Konatsu would 'shine up', so you must have meant for another connotation of the word 'shine'.
as she realised she
had a excuse to
an excuse
�Alright, step-mother!�
stepmother!"
�But first!� intervened Koume.
Extra space in between 'intervened' and 'Koume'.
�And do the laundry!�
Extra space in between 'And' and 'do'.
As an aside, it's nice to see that you've 'showed not told' the reader Konatsu's characterization.
So you do know how to 'show, not tell'. ^_^ Make use of this age-old adage in your fic well, and
they'll go places [Soapbox: ...despite the content. :P].
�Could you please put me down now?� grumbled Ranma
as they entered the city proper. Instead of answering,
her fianc�
Replace '�' with 'e'. (For plaintext purposes)
destination, while escaping from the three windigoes.
What's a windigo?
Ranma: (supposes) An indigo wind?
out ahead of him. He took a moment to sample the air
of his birthplace. After choking on the exhaust of a
passing minivan, he laughed.
Heh.
�Details,� waved off Genma. �You�re a Tokyoite from
this day forth, and that�s what�s important.� He
began to contemplate. His old plan to pair up Ukyo
with that Hibiki boy had taken a gut punch at Jusenkyo.
Oooohhhh... so that was his plan. Sou ka. Still, as per usual with Genma, he attended to his
_more_ self-serving agenda (getting the waterproof soap comes to mind) than that particularly less
self-serving agenda ('helping' Ranma get rid of Ukyo through more practical and less manipulative
means).
The lost lad had behaved in an increasingly disturbing
manner towards his own son from that point on.
[...Which I continue to find very weird and slightly unnerving.]
He
didn�t even want speculate
You're missing a 'to' in between 'want' and 'speculate'.
Not that he doubted his son�s honour
in that scenario, but it would truly be best for all
concerned if Ranma never even had to consider such a
predicament.
Genma: We have to avoid the worst case scenario.
Ranma: Worst case scenario?
Two words, Ranma... Genma's Daughter.
Genma: (wails to the Heavens) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
He glimpsed askance at the pouting
glimpsed in askance
If nothing else good,
If for nothing else,
with his son�s curse had arisen
evidence that little Ukyo seemed quite taken with
Ranma, or rather his girl side.
Ukyo: 'Little' Ukyo.
Ranma: (brain goes to the gutter) Ew! Dad, that's gross!
Ukyo: Whu...? (brain goes to the gutter) OYAAAJIIII!!!
He felt it couldn�t
be coincidence that the levels of affection displayed
between the two had increased so dramatically since
Jusenkyo.
Genma: (closed fist hits his palm) It must be the fanfic's fault! That, or Fate and Karma!
Genma grinned an alarmingly wide smile. One that
would have set warning bells ringing in his students�
head if they hadn�t been distracted with one another.
extra space before 'head'.
Suggest: Replace 'with one another' with 'with each other'
Imagine, not one - but two sons to carry on the
Anything-Goes legacy.
Ooooohhh. Now I see where he's going with this. Very IC, and very insightful to the inner workings
of Genma's thought processes.
He turned to the boys, er,
kids and spoke, �We�ve made good time getting here.�
�Lemme down already!�
Add a line space in between "...time getting here." and "Lemme down already!"
�You still haven�t told us about this
engagement that was so important, we had to leave
China right away.�
Suggest: "...was so important. I mean, we had to leave China right away and stuff." or something
similarly straightforward and readable.
�Good point!� agreed Ukyo nodding vehemently,
Add a comma after 'Ukyo'.
drowning out Ranma�s �hussy� comment. Still got
it, smirked Genma at his expert redirection. �But
don�t change the subject,� smirked the chef. �What�s
Separate the "But don't change..." sentence from the "...expert redirection." sentence as a
separate paragraph. (i.e. add a line space after "...expert redirection.")
[Soapbox: Ooooooh. Ukyo's soooo smart. What street smarts!]
happening where we�re going?� Damn. He�d have to
work some more on that one. 'Oh well', he thought
grabbing a strangely convenient pail of water.
Add a comma after 'thought'.
argumentative skills weren�t his fort�.
You don't need the '�' in 'forte'.
He nodded
to himself resolutely, as he decided on his method
of persuasion. After all, he thought, reciting one
of his late master�s training slogans, �When nothing
else will work, blackmail is the only honourable
option.�
Heh.
Ukyo quickly recovered from his discomfiture at his
guardian panda-fying
-_-
Right.
I'm pingpong-ing from liking and disliking this fic.... Exactly the same way as with the first
time I C&Ced this.
�Can I come down yet?�
Heh. Nice running gag.
----
End Chapter 8
----
Judging from the soapbox comments alone, I'm sure you're well-aware of what I think of the
content. I liked some parts, and yet again the fic has its moments, but for the most part...
enough said. Let me copy-paste-reedit my comments on the previous chapter to this one for
posterity:
Commas: I told you in chapter seven to learn to use commas properly. I now realize that _that's_
just one part of the problem. The main problem is, of course, learning to punctuate properly. As a
general rule, sentences which use 'as' ("She said this as she did something else") don't need to
be punctuated with commas (She said this, as she did something else"). On the other hand,
sentences that don't use as ("She said this, feeling regret") should have proper punctuation 'coz
otherwise they'd look weird otherwise ("She said this feeling regret.")
Sentences that don't make sense: A good tip to avoid this... Read and reread your fic aloud (when
you're alone, preferably), editing it as you go. What you write and what you thought you write are
two distinctly different things that are mutually exclusive to each other (I'm talking fancy to
make the point more 'lucid' to you, Mr. Wordy. ;))
Missing Words: You regularly miss putting in the words 'in', 'at', 'to', etc. Again, a good reread
(and not just a good spellcheck) would fix this problem in a jiffy.
Fandom conventions: Minimize their use. I'm okay with their use, but like vocab words, they
shouldn't be overused. If you really have to make use of fandom conventions, I suggest using them
more subtly. Instead of 'facefault', use 'they fell down face first'. Instead of sweatdrop, use
'beads of sweat appeared on their foreheads' or 'they sweated in
sheepishness/exasperation/whatnot.' Instead of 'chibify', they 'started to act
childishly/immaturely/playfully.' I'm sure you get my meaning.
Using complex words when simpler words would suffice: I suggested in the last C&C that you start
training on using simpler words on the future chapters. You know why. This is a comedy fic, but
you're using words fit for LoTR. Sprinkle the smarmy words lightly on your fic... Don't put the
entire shaker's contents in the stew, er, fic.
Extra spaces/smart quotes/special characters/MS Word ellipsis: If you _are_ using MS Word, then do
the 'unclick Autocorrect options' thingies. Otherwise, why not use a plain text program and then
simply use a spell check afterwards? Oh, and make your characters per line consistent, at the
first parts it was slightly botched up.
Pronouns: I said before that pronouns are your friends. Use them more and balance them out with
the 'bandanna boy/Anything Goes Master/redheaded girl/chef/Amazon' name substitutes. _But_ there
are words that are even better than pronouns...
Name use: It helps get rid most of the name substitutes that litter your fic unnecessarily. As a
general rule, actual name use (Ranma, Ukyo, Genma, Shampoo, Cologne, Konatsu...) can be repeated
after every other or even after every paragraph. Then comes the pronouns. The use of name
substitutes should be limited to situations where you want to avoid pronoun confusion and it
should be used _after_ pronouns, not before. It makes for simple and readable prose, after all.
Formatting errors: Thankfully, aside from extra spaces here and there, it's finally (mostly) gone!
Yay! ^_^
Kudos to you for making a fic which you and your fans would enjoy fully. As such, I wish you luck
on your future ficcing endeavors and I do hope you keep on entertaining your ficcy, fanboy fans
with the fanservicey slants of your fic. Looking forward to/dreading the posting of the latest
chapters. In short, keep on writing.
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