Disclaimer: all comments are, of course, my opinion only. If I tend to focus
on negatives below, this does not mean that I disliked the story.
At 1:06 PM -0500 15/7/2005, Zac Wendler wrote:
Faded Glory
by Flashfyre5
Chapter 1: Better Late Than Never
The sight of the full-grown and rather overweight panda bear walking
upright next to her was quite a bit more unusual. The white duck that
squatted on the giant raccoon's head, with oversized thick glasses balanced
precariously on its beak made the scene quite surreal.
It is rather disconcerting to see a creature referred to as a "panda bear",
and then immediately after as a "raccoon." "Panda bear" is redundant anyway
-- just use "panda."
For the record: for many years, it was thought that pandas were related to
raccoons. Genetic testing has now shown that Giant Pandas, at least, are
not. They are bears.
"Family meeting, downstairs," he said,
bursting. After a moment's thought,
he added, "Do you know where Akane is?"
Er ... 'bursting'? This might make sense if you say "bursting with
emotion." If he's not bursting with emotion ... then I'm not actually
sure what you mean.
"Dojou, same as always," Nabiki signed, her annoyance clear.
The word "dojo" has two long "o" sounds. The transliteration should thus be
either "dojo" (easiest to read) or "doujou" (most correct). You're not using
"ou" for long "o" sounds elsewhere in the story (eg Tendou, Happousai), so I'd
suggest that you should just make it "dojo".
(Possibly-interesting aside: even stories that otherwise eschew the "ou"
transliteration still invariably write "Soun"; I've never seen a story that
had it as "Son". I wonder why?)
Soun strolled away from the kitchen and
into the dining room, his head held
high. Nabiki was already waiting for him at the table. Now, with Saotome's
aid, perhaps the demon could finally be defeated.
"Family meeting, eh?" a wizened voice crowed from just behind the
black-haired martial artist. Soun froze instantly, horror evident on his
face. "I guess I should attend, even though I'm not technically a Tendo."
Interesting juxtaposition of demons. :)
"This," he said, emotion beginning to
overwhelm him, "is from a very old
friend of mine. We endured the horrors of Hell itself together when we were
young."
"I'm right here, you know," Happosai glared.
Slight gap in logic here. Happosai doesn't guess that he's talking about
training then Genma until a few paragraphs later. At this point, therefore,
he has no reason to suspect that Soun's talking about him. Why, Soun could
be talking about some completely different kind of hell that he and an old
friend went through! :)
That said, it's a cute line.
"Right. Well," Soun glanced around the
tears that had been about to stream
down his face gone.
"Soun glanced around" is not a continuation of the quoted speech. The comma
after "Well" should be a period.
However, you do need a comma after "glanced around."
"Wow, you'd think that that would've worked," Nabiki noted dryly.
"Yeah. He must have some kind of immunity to dynamite," Akane agreed.
"I'll just have to call Mr. Mita and
cancel our order, then," Kasumi said
sadly, and her sisters nodded in agreement.
"You think C4'd work better?" Nabiki wondered aloud.
Nice. :)
"Hey!" Happosai sputtered, his rage redirected "I'm right here!"
Needs a period after "redirected."
"Saotome, my friend, you've come to save
me!" Soun cried, making a dash for
the door. When he threw it open, he was ready for a great deal. He'd not
seen Genma in thirteen years, since he'd set out with his son to train. For
all he knew, Genma might be wearing a business suit, having finally stolen
enough money to afford one.
He was not, however, ready to see a duck.
With humongus glasses balanced,
though listing slowly to the left, on its beak.
This would read better with a paragraph break after "a dash for the door."
It would emphasise the "he was ready for a great deal" thought enough to
carry through to the "He was not ready" in the following paragraph.
"Where's Genma?" Happosai roared,
skittering out of the dining room. As he
caught sight of Ranma, wet silk shirt clinging to her figure in just the
right ways, his eyes widened in appreciation. "There is a God!" he declared
after a moment's consideration, Genma completely forgotten on account of
what he was quite sure was a beautiful, bosomy, and especially bra-less
woman standing at the threshold of his 'adopted' home.
Over-wordiness dilutes the joke here. I'd suggest cutting the paragraph off
after "Genma completely forgotten."
"Damn it, Happosai," Akane cursed, hopping down into the entryway. She
ripped Happosai's battered form from Ranma's grip and punted him out the
still-open front door. "And stay out this time!" she shouted after him,
then slammed the door.
"Sorry about that," Akane said to the surprised-looking girl.
"You know him?" she asked.
Odd question. He was in the house, she just called him by name ... why would
she *not* know him?
"Kind of," Akane hedged, "he trained my father a long time ago. Three
hedged. "He
years ago, he turned up again, and now we can't get rid of him."
"That seemed to work pretty well," Ranma deadpanned.
"He'll be back. He always comes back,"
Akane explained, tinges of dread in
her voice. She bent over and picked up her father's fallen form, then
hefted it over her shoulder with little apparent effort.
"Oh," Ranma said, feeling unusually normal. After a moment, the
black-haired woman stuck out her free hand.
"I'm Akane. Want to be friends?" she asked, a warm smile on her face.�
Relief eased the worry on the redhead's face.
She's being curiously relaxed about inviting a strange in, without paying
any attention to "her" having a panda and duck in tow.
"Good," Kasumi nodded, her usually
unflappable good cheer replaced for a
moment by genuine satisfaction. She stood up from her father's side and
walked towards the kitchen. As the auburn-haired woman passed Ranma, she
The description of people as "the xxx-haired woman" (or "man") always reads
very strangely. Even if you do insist on using the anime hair colours, I'd
suggest mentioning them in other ways -- if they need mentioning at all.
"I love this place," Akane sighed, noting
Ranma's appreciation. "Things
get so weird around here. The doujo's like a sanctuary, where I can just
work out and make everything go away for a while."
"That's a nice thought," Ranma murmured,
his eyes far away. Akane's brow
furrowed, concern in her eyes.
"What'd you say?" she asked.
"Nothing," Ranma shook her head, and offered a roguish half-grin.
Why is Akane concerned? Regardless of whether he's been through bad stuff,
Ranma is correct. It *is* a nice thought. I'd have expected Akane to be
pleased at his words.
"And this place aint too weird, compared to a lotta places I've been." Akane
aint ==> ain't
"Fine," Akane grinned, slipping into a
kempo stance, her arms outstretched
and ready. "You ready?" Ranma nodded, shifting her legs just a bit wider.
Akane noted the change in weight, recognizing the stance as one that her
father'd taught her years ago. It worked best when your opponent didn't
appreciate your skill, as it offered a range of movement for more complex
maneuvers, but very little in the way for more simple tactics.
Ha. An older, more experienced, better-trained Akane. Good.
"I won't go easy on you!" Akane shouted,
charging forward and opening with
an open-palmed strike. Ranma faded back, then turned to the side as Akane's
other fist shot forward. Akane's jaw dropped at her speed, even as she
tried to follow-up with a sloppy snap kick. The second strike should've
clipped her, at least; the first had been a feint. Ranma bent way back at
the knees and waist, and Akane's kick went high. She reversed quickly,
though, using her forward momentum to turn the kick into a stomp. The
red-haired girl somehow managed to twist to the left, despite how exposed
her falling dodge had left her. Akane's foot struck the wooden floor hard,
the impact ringing off the doujo's wooden walls. Ranma was already in a
crouch and spinning, though, and her left leg came around and caught Akane's
rear foot in its' rotation. Akane realized with shock as she fell just how
No apostrophe after "its".
much she'd overextended with the stomp, but it was too late. The
ebon-haired woman hit the floor facedown, tucking to roll to her right, and
"ebon-haired woman" is especially strange here. Why mention her hair
colour in the middle of a match? Saying "She" would do just fine.
The pigtail, greasy with the filth from
life on the road, came undone with
a little work. The next step, however, would be more difficult. Ranma
stared at the little, green bottle of shampoo, nestled next to her borrowed
towel. It wasn't the same, she told herself, as she always did. It never
helped. After rallying herself, Ranma closed her eyes, picked up the
bottle, and started to wash her hair. Faster and faster she went, hands
blurring as she performed the task as quickly as she could. A blast of cold
water from the wall-mounted shower began to wash away the suds at her
command, mere moments after she'd finished washing the last of her hair. As
the chilly water drove the soap from her body and hair, Ranma pounded the
wall once.
"Stop it," she growled, shutting off the stream. A shuddering breath
later, Ranma had regained control of herself. "I had to do it," she told
herself, as she had a hundred times in the last month. She believed it,
too. Every time she doubted, a glance at the scars that now crisscrossed
her torso reminded her of what she'd escaped, despite the price. Ranma had
no doubt that she would've died, had she stayed.
You're hinting at a very interesting past with Shampoo here. I look forward
to learning more.
The door slid open, and Ranma glanced up. Standing naked, aside from a
tiny washcloth that covered her most important bits was Akane, her eyes as
big as dinner plates.
Needs an extra comma after "important bits".
Very calmly, Akane re-dressed herself in the karate gi that she'd just
discarded. There was a boy in the furo. She tightened the belt around her
waist, and stepped from the changing room. There was a *handsome* boy in
the furo. Slowly, she descended the stairs, still sorting things through.�
There was a handsome boy in the furo *who had seen her naked.* Something in
her brain clicked, and her eyes narrowed. He must be a pervert. Only
perverts look at naked women. There was, therefore, a pervert in the furo.�
A *handsome* pervert, but a pervert nonetheless. She knew what to do with
perverts.
Hmm. I think I like this. Years with Happosai have given her much more
self-control, but the basic, ingrained attitude is harder to shift.
Akane stepped past her father and a fat,
bald man in a dirty white karate
gi. They were laughing and drinking huge mugs of beer. The duck was
pecking at the fat man. She made a note to herself to ask who he was later.
Once out in the garden, Akane picked up the stone lantern that had sat
next to her family's koi pond for almost three centuries. She carried it
back inside.
Should that be a tab-indent before "Once out in the garden"?
"Ah," her father nodded sagely, then went
back to his beer. Akane marched
out of the dining room, and almost bowled Kasumi over, who was carrying a
tray, burdened with two extra mugs of beer and a steaming kettle.
almost bowled over Kasumi, who
Lose the comma after "tray".
"Sorry, Kasumi," she muttered.
"That's all right," Kasumi smiled. "A
pervert again?" she asked, edging
around Akane and into the dining room.
"In the furo this time," Akane replied.
This is particularly cute. :)
"I do wish Master Happosai would keep his friends away from the house,"
Kasumi sighed, distress almost, but not quite, finding its way onto her
face. Akane nodded, then hefted the stone lantern up again. It was wet
>from the recently-stopped rainstorm, and the five-hundred pound monolith had
been slipping in her grip.
Suggest just "recent rainstorm". The less-wordy phrasing is usually better.
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry 'bout all this," the pervert said. Akane
blinked once, and wondered why the furo pervert had the same name as the
nice girl she'd met earlier. After a moment, she shrugged. Weirder things
had happened, especially since Happosai had moved in. Careful not to hit
the ceiling, Akane smashed the pervert over his head with the stone lantern,
then marched off to put it back where it belonged.
Again. Cute. I like this a lot.
"Bringing Ranma from China. Don't
mention the agreement," she murmured as
her brain worked. The first sentence was simple enough, but the second was
utterly ambiguous. From the context, Nabiki was sure that Ranma had
something to do with the agreement that the card referred to. Ranma was
female; her voice, half-heard through the thin walls of the Tendo house and
Happosai's reaction when he'd rounded the corner had proven that to her
satisfaction. What Nabiki couldn't puzzle out, however, was what agreement
could possibly center around some girl she'd never met and her family.�
After a few more minutes of fruitless puzzling, however, Nabiki decided that
there was a better way. She picked up her telephone and dialed a number
>from a list that she kept nearby.
Since Nabiki has no reason to doubt Ranma's gender, it might make more sense
to leave out the whole "Ranma was female" sentence.
"You bastard!" Ranma roared as he flew,
then splashed into the pond. When
he stormed back into the house, he was not a he at all, but a dripping-wet
redheaded woman.
red-headed
"Anyway, this is Mu Tsu, a friend of mine
>from China," Ranma said after a
moment.
I seem to recall that the actual transliteration of his name is "Mu Si".
"During out travels, we happened on the cursed training ground of
our travels
"Only 'cuz I was stuck in the damn Amazon
village for three years!" Ranma
shot back, smacking his father again. The fat man decided that he'd had
I wasn't going to mention this, but ... what the hey. If you take a look
at the manga, you will notice that Genma is *not* fat. He is shown having
a stocky but powerful build.
...
Okay. Quite a nice beginning, actually, and I look forward to seeing more of
this story. It's often a mistake to begin a Ranma 'fic by re-telling the
Ranma-arrives story, but you've made it different enough that it wasn't
boring. Well done.
Cheers,
Angus