Subject: [FFML] [MSTed] "Friends, Family, and San Francisco" [SM] Pt. 1/2
From: "S. 'Zoogz' Jamison" <zoogz22@yahoo.com>
Date: 7/12/2005, 4:14 PM
To: ffml@anifics.com
Reply-to:
ssjamis@yahoo.com


Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 205, reel 1:

  "Friends, Family, and San Francisco"
  (A Sailor Moon fanfic)

  MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison

==

Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property
of and (c) 2005 by Best Brains, Inc.  

Sailor Moon is property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors
of her work.

"Friends, Family, and San Francisco" is the property of Laura-Grace.
I hope that both the author and the readers enjoy this work.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their
respective owners and creators.

Comments are welcomed at zoogz@yahoo.com

==

---Satellite of Love

  Joel Robinson walked through the Satellite of Love bridge.  Before
he was able to get to the other end, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo both
accosted him.

  "Sir!  I am writing the Unauthorized Nearly Complete Biography of
Joel Robinson and I need some comments on him from you please!" Crow
yelled at Joel.

  Joel chuckled.  "What is there to tell you, Crow, you've been with
me now for six years.  You should know me by now."

  "But sir!" Crow pleaded.  "We need to know the private lives and
loves of Joel Robinson!  Where is the unrequited pining?  Who is the
one that holds Joel's heart?  Where will he be able to find validation
in the unrelenting cosmos?"

  "Calm down, Crow," Joel replied.  "My only goals are to survive all
the fanfiction the Mads can throw at us and my secret is great friends
like you two and Mike."  He then looked puzzledly at Tom.  "What's
Servo doing, Crow?"

  "Then Joel quieted, his explanation of actualization complete.  With
that, he breathes in... then out... his eyes flashing an untypical
amount of fervor and... dare I say... respect for the poor souls that
share his unrelenting labors..." Tom dictated into his tape recorder.

  "He's got a biography too," Crow explained.  "But there has to be
more to the story, Joel!  There's always a hidden side here!"

  "Crow, I'm not complex.  This isn't real life, you should just
relax," Joel protested.

  "And as his rebuke to his small comrade fades from the air, Joel
returns to digesting the peanut butter and jelly sandwich from lunch
three hours ago.  One small eyelash dislodges and falls upon his
cheek, barely perceptible..." Tom drones.

  "Fine then.  If a biography isn't warranted, then we'll go with a
good old-fashioned muckraking expose!  ILLEGAL ROBOT LABOR! CRUEL
CONDITIONS!  LACK OF UNION ORGANIZING!  This whole operation is going
DOWN, Robinson!" Crow retreated to the desk where his own tape
recorder was still running.

  "Taken aback by the harangue, Joel Robinson's face expresses shock
and resignation.  The truth and weight of this whole sordid situation
has turned Joel into a mere shell of a man who still hasn't taken care
of that stray eyelash..." Tom continued to dictate.

  Crow took up the narration.  "Taken from an anonymous letter that
must have had the good luck and grace to escape this hellhole... "The
conditions are happy.  I am being well-fed.  They are treating me with
kindness and respect." And at the BOTTOM of this letter is the symbol
of the crossed fingers, meaning that EVERYTHING contained above is to
be REVERSED... probably due to Robinson's obsessive control of thought
and his megalomania in thinking that no one could POSSIBLY object to
such paradise..."

  "And as the lights flash upon the counter, Joel registers his
contempt of the truth as well as his utter disregard for authority as
he says, 'Can it Kitty Kelly, the Headshrinkers are on line 1,'
breathing in... then out... then in, as he greets Michael J. Nelson,
just arriving to the bridge..."


---Deep 13

  In Deep Thirteen was a table with two chairs and a display rack.  At
one of the chairs was T.V.'s Frank, and the other chair held a guy
dressed remarkably like James Lipton, but with green glasses.  In the
middle of the table was Frank's prized "Mod Squad" mint condition
lunchbox.

  "And so you say that this piece is a terrific example of the design
of the mid-Seventies' focus on utilization?" Frank asked.

  "Well, it's definitely pop-culture.  I might give you... $1.50 for
it on the spot," the man said.

  "Why, I oughtta..." Frank stammered.

  At that point, Dr. F took off the wig and stood up from the table.
"And with that, another episode of 'Attic Crap Road Show' comes to an
end.  But boobies, the lucre hasn't even started to flow!"

  Frank stood up and said, "You might be saying to yourself, 'My stuff
is SO valuable!  The selling guide said so and if you can't trust a
bunch of people who could be putting totally random numbers in a book,
who can you trust?!'"

  "And of course," Dr. F added, "the poor viewers were completely
ripped off.  Where are the idiot collectors who actually think that
someone would actually pay good money for little better than ugly
garbage?  Where are the large wastes of cash I'm accustomed to seeing? 
Well, we have the answer for EVERYONE..."

  Frank stood up from his chair and headed offscreen, coming back with
a shiny case where inside was a bottle marked "Nostalgia Number Five". 
The bottle had an atomizer at the top much like an old-style perfume
decanter.

  "One whiff of this stuff," Dr. F continued as he took the bottle
from the case, "will turn any haughty collector into a giggling
schoolkid over whatever garbage you present to them.  This stuff will
make those unopened Swanson TV Dinners from the 50s smell more like
$1500 than rotten meat.  Your old non-working Teddy Ruxpin will become
much less Grubby.  Hell, it can even get your grandma a date if
applied in the right setting."

  Frank piped up, "And for those online and television auctions...
Nostalgia provides the correct sparkle to any camera angle you can
possibly take pictures from."  He sprayed a bit on the Mod Squad lunch
box and stepped aside.  "Say 'cheese', this one's for Ebay!"


  "I have credit cards...." Crow spoke in a monotone

  "Please let me trade my classic baseball cards for it" Tom copied.

  "But what if everyone gets a hold of this stuff, Dr. F?" Mike asked.


  "Don't worry, Frank has the antidote to this garbage... thankfully,
it's available to ingest." Dr. F opened the lunchbox to take out a
small box of cereal.  On the box was marked "Kellogg's Sugar-Frosted
Sense of Proportion".

  Frank breathed a sigh of relief.  "Thank heaven, Dr. F, I was just
about to kill you to get my lunchbox back!"

  Dr. F glanced at Frank rather askance before turning his attention
back to the video pickup.  "And you, Jim and Brian Henson?"


  "Well sirs, our invention is more of a concept this week," Mike
began.

  Joel reached below the desk to bring up a set of cards that he
placed upon the desk.  The first card flipped up to show Ed Grimley in
his 80's animated glory.

  "We get communications satellite broadcasts up here all the time.
Sadly, television nowadays so closely resembles what we read on a
constant basis that we don't know which we like better at this
point."  Mike pointed to the card.  "Of course, there are occasional
exceptions.  Such as this funny fellow... Martin Short."

  Joel's next card showed a picture of Martin Short behind bars.  Joel
continued, "On one prime-time show recently, Martin Short stepped way
out of typecast to play a pedophile killer who could read faces.  This
performance spurred us to think about how nice it would have been for
him to have snapped and killed many members of the main cast of this
particular show."

  Tom spoke up, "Just think... in one fell swoop we would have been
treated to a major coup... a good actor becoming even better and then
giving us the opportunity to give actors who deserve more screentime a
bigger chance... but why stop there?"

  Joel's next card read, "Guest-starring... Martin Short!"

  "This could be a phenomenon!" Crow piped.  "Martin Short can break
completely from his 'Clifford'-stained past to become the premiere
serial killer in primetime!  All the networks can share him and the
four main networks can bring him in once during every sweeps period
and then once a month following.  A network could announce what show
he will be on and maximize the ratings through the week.  Or they
could keep the information secret and people can wonder when he will
pop up!  And then bloated shows can have good ratings as they bring in
fresh blood...."

  Joel's next few cards show pictures of television show casts.  One
had David Schwimmer crossed out of the "Friends" cast picture...
another had Ryan crossed off of the "OC" picture... and his last card
showed five of seven "Real World" pictures completely scribbled
through.

  "We could be on to a major movement, sirs... what do you think?"
Joel inquired.


  "Deliciously evil, Joel.  Television could always use more
glamorization of murder and death," Dr. F gloated.  He cleared his
throat and continued, "We attempted to spray 'Nostalgia' all over this
fanfic though and there was no selling it even for two bits.  It's
called 'Friends, Family, and San Francisco'... but the only nostalgia
you'll be getting is from the series that it isn't."

  "Mace 'em till it burns, Frank," Dr. F instructed Frank.


  "And 'Everybody Loves Raymond'?" Tom asked.

  Mike replied, "The whole thing needed a Martin Shorting."

  The lights flashed and the sirens blared as Joel dropped all the
cards on the desk.  "Later, we have FIC SIGN!!"

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door.  You open the top and fall over the
  bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door.  You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe.  You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps
  you inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom.  Tom was placed in the
fourth seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him.  After that
was Joel, and Crow sat in the far right seat.)

Friends, Family and San Francisco

Crow: So we're in for saccharine situations, three "aww's" an episode
 and a lesson every half hour?
Tom: As a wise philosopher once said, "You got it dude."

When Grampa dies, Raye's long-lost father returns to Japan, only to
yank her away from her friends and everything she has ever known. 

Mike: In other words, in Grandpa's absence, Raye becomes an abscess.
Joel: <Raye's Dad> It's calling Sliding, you'll love it!

Upon arrival in America, Raye discovers a completely different life
than what she is used to.

Tom: <Raye> What's with all the blue and pink pegs?  And why am I
 getting married again?

Lonely and homesick, Raye tries desperately to find a way back home.

Mike and Tom: <singing> We're off on the road to Rhode Islannnd...!

A/N: it's been done before, I know. One of my fave stories is on this
subject.

Mike: <Author> It's called "Snoopy, Come Home".

Actually, for right now, all I can say is thank goodness for baby name
books with Japanese names included.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything or anyone except Aiko, Nori, Kimi,
Ringo, Toshihiro, Samuru (Samuel), Annette, Alexander and Jeremy.

Joel: Mouseketeer roll call!
Tom: You have one-fourth of the Beatles?
Crow: Nope, too late, Michael Jackson owns that too.

Chapter 1:: Departure

Tom: Good.  This already has a better plot than "The Terminal".

               It was a beautiful warm afternoon on August 2nd, 2001,
when Taro Yakira died.

Mike: The sun then kicked itself for being so insensitive.

               The doctors said it was a heart attack, but to Taro's
two daughters, Aiko and Nori, and his three grandchildren, this didn't
help to relieve any grief.

Crow: <Doctor> Phew, they bought it.  Dammit, Ned, get your watch out
 of him immediately!

               Especially for 16-year-old Raye, since Grampa had died
on the day of her 16th birthday.
               Raye, overcome with grief, was quickly surrounded by
her four supportive and sympathetic friends, even Amy, who had her own
problems to deal with. 

Joel: <Amy> Yeah, I'll just put the Anti-Life Equation on hold because
 RAYE needs a HUG.
Crow: Gallant offers a card of condolences and a tasteful bouquet.
 Serena says "s'okay" on her way to diving in her friend's comic book
 collection.

That night, Raye's aunts gave her permission to stay over at Lita's
apartment. All five girls were there, with offers of shoulders to cry
on.

Tom: This is "Sisters" but without all that distracting plot piffle.
Mike: Yep, we'll cut STRAIGHT to the crying!

               The next morning, Raye's Aunt Aiko picked her up and
took her back to the temple, where Chad was sweeping dejectedly. Nori
and her husband Yukio were already there, with Raye's two little
cousins Ringo, who was 6 and Toshihiro, who was 2.

Crow: <Ringo> I've got an 'ole in me 'eart...
Mike: Remember these names for they will be immensely important in the
 storyline... oh, who are we kidding?  Blank 'em out!

               As the morbid plans began for Taro's funeral, Chad
interrupted only once, to say that a man was waiting outside to speak
to one of them.

               Aiko frowned and left with Chad.

Crow: The funeral home combined "open casket" with "free buffet". 

               "Good afternoon, Aiko," the tall man greeted Aiko,
apparently taking no notice of Raye, who was hidden in the shadows of
the temple, watching.

Tom: Today's a bad day to talk about extra health insurance, Skippy.

               "Konnichi'wa, Samuru." Aiko answered, surprised. "You
weren't supposed to come until later this week!"

Joel: <Samuru> I was hired to make a birthday girl HAPPY with my
 CLOWNING!  Now get her soon-to-be-entertained ass over here NOW!

               "Actually, I go by Samuel Winslow now," Samuru said
crisply. "I had business to attend to in Japan so I thought I would
come and collect Rachel before I leave for San Francisco tomorrow."

Mike: <Samuru> My job, my way.

               "It's Raye,"

               Aiko and Samuel both jumped at the sound of Raye's
voice as she emerged from the shadows into the sunlight. "Oh, Raye!"
Aiko exclaimed. "Don't do that to me!"

Joel: <Aiko> Dammit girl!  Heart attacks run in the family!  Remember?!

               "So what was this about collecting me?" Raye addressed
Aiko, pointedly ignoring Samuel.

Crow: Well, healthy girls with the kind of hair she has can fetch up
 to $1500 in the open market...

               Aiko dragged her foot in the dirt guiltily. "I was
going to tell you tomorrow, because Samuru wasn't supposed to arrive
until Sunday."

               "Samuel. And what in the world are you wearing,
Rachel?"

Tom: <Raye> My Sailor Mars shirt!  She's really neat!

               "My robes. Now, what were you going to tell me?" Raye
asked again, slowly.
               "Well," Aiko began hesitantly.

Joel: <Aiko> Remember when I told you that you weren't adopted?  Well,
 substitute 'weren't' with 'were' and you see where this is going....

               "When Taro died, custody of you fell to me." Samuel
cut in. "You'd better go pack, because we leave tomorrow morning."

               "Whoa, back up a couple steps here," Raye snapped. 

Tom: They're clearly coming together 'cause opposites attract.

"I have never met you before in my life, I don't even know who the
heck you are, and suddenly I'm supposed to go live with you? I don't
think so."

Mike: <Raye> I heard nasty rumors about the neighbors you've got
 hanging around your place, Mr. Winslow...

               Aiko smiled grimly, more of a grimace than a grin.
"Excuse me for not introducing you. Raye, this is Samuru Wakaso, your
father."

               "Samuel Winslow."

Crow: <Raye> No. No. That's not true. *yawn*.  That's impossible.
  Noooooo... okay, we done?

               "...and now I'm supposed to leave tomorrow!" Raye
ranted, her grief temporarily forgotten in the wake of her rage.

               Her outrage was mirrored on the faces of her friends.
"That's not right!" Lita exclaimed.

Tom: <Lita> Jump-cutting without even a warning?  I'm outraged!!
Joel: Cue sappy Peter, Paul, and Mary soundtrack...

               "How the heck does that work?" Mina agreed.

Joel: Well, you put the record in the player and put the needle on top
 of it.

               "I mean, the guy doesn't even live in Japan!" Serena
added. "Besides, isn't it like, illegal or something to take a kid out
of a country when there's still family in the country?"

Mike: <Lita> Call in the talking cat and the other talking cat, and the
 girl from the future, and then we'll get down to discussing logic.

               "Not quite," Amy responded, her hands still resting on
her gently swelling stomach, her eyes closed. "But I still don't see
why they would give custody to your father when he hasn't been around
for you at all."

Crow: Woody Allen's latest film in Japan was at least half successful.

               "No kidding," Raye groaned. "I mean, sure,
biologically the guy's my father, but in terms of actual parenting, he
sucks! It'd be much simpler if I would've just gone to live with Aunt
Aiko."

Mike: For someone dead set against it, she seems strangely resigned to
 the fact.
Joel: <Raye> Stages one through four were a bit blurry, but stage five
 is great.

               "Raye," Amy's mother said, entering the bedroom. "Your
father's here."

Tom: We'd love to show you a scene of the scouts battling the evil Mr.
 Su-muru but we have no budget.  At all.  Deal with it.

               Raye made a disgusted face. "The guy calls himself my
father, he's got another thing coming..." she muttered as she left,
still seething.

Mike: Any other story, I'd be praising the mastermind who concocted
 this battle strategy...
 
               The next morning, the five friends were clustered
together, hugging and saying their last good-byes. Contrary to how she
had been last night, Raye seemed quite calm.

Joel: Valium works wonders.
Mike: Especially with vodka.

               "Don't worry," she assured them. "Not even oceans can
keep Raye Yakira from Japan. I'll be back, you can count on that."

Crow: <Raye> After all, I'm in an airplane!  What could go wrong?

               "Rachel!" Samuel called irritably before sweeping down
the tunnel to the plane.

Mike: <Raye> Hey, hey!  I haven't even thrown the rock yet! 
Crow: <Raye> I've got bombs, all shapes and sizes!  He does too!
 Arrest us!  Keep us in jail in Japan for a LOOOONG time!!

               "Rachel?" Lita teased gently.

               "I wouldn't laugh if I was you, Lolita. 

Joel: <Lita> You wouldn't laugh if you slept with Jeremy Irons either.

That was my milk name." Raye tossed back,

Tom: <Raye> Have you seen me?

then sauntered leisurely towards the gate, clearly hoping she'd miss
the plane.

Mike: Then she figured, 'Casualties, schmazualties,' and firebombed it.
Crow: <Raye> There's your landing lights, McClane.

               "Lolita?" she heard Serena asked incredulously from
behind her.

Joel: <Lita> Laugh it up, author... you never know when you'll get
 surges through your keyboard.....

               "Hey, don't blame me! It's my parents who chose the
name!"
               Unfortunately, she didn't miss the plane. About
fifteen hours later, Raye found herself following Samuel off the
airplane into the bustling crowd of people in San Francisco,
California.

All: <in unison> PLEASE TAKE THIS FLOWER FROM THE CHURCH OF LUNAR
 CONSCIOUSNESS!
Mike <Raye>: Can sahmeone direct me to de nuclear wessels?

               A tall, leggy, busty blonde came pushing through the
crowds, followed by two boys, one with dark hair and the other with 
blond hair. 

Mike: This week in US Magazine!  Jennifer Aniston cannot choose between
 Ben Affleck and Leonardo DiCaprio!

"Samuel, dah-ling!" she cried, flinging her arms around him.

Joel: He must have a rather dis-arming presence.

               The older boy, the blonde one, rolled his eyes 
theatrically. 

Crow: While Raye now wondered if she would be living in a leper colony.

The younger, darker-haired boy was more involved with watching Raye to
notice.

Crow: <kid> Give me three days and I'll have five peepholes AND a live
 internet feed!

               "And this must be Rachel!" the blonde exclaimed.

               "Raye," Raye corrected her, rebellion in every
syllable.

Tom: And an insurrection in every delicious bite!  It's new Castr-O's!
Crow: Kids! Look for the cigar in every box!

               "But it's Rachel on your birth certificate," the woman
said confusedly.

Mike: That never stopped Meat Loaf.
Crow: Or Jim Hellwig.

               "Rachel was my milk name." (A/N: maybe about now I 
should explain what a milk name is. 

Joel: We know, we know, it's how Borden sells its products.

>From what I remember, in Japan, some parents gave their children a
'milk name'

Tom: Hey Homo!  How're Skim and Goat doing?

which was sort of a temporary name until they became old enough to 
choose their own name. I believe that's what it is.) 

Crow: Well, this should stop such abuses as "Apple" and "Moon Unit".

"My name is Raye."

Tom: With all this "milk name" nonsense, I hope to hell she doesn't
 give out her cereal number.

               "-chel." Samuel added testily. "We have no such 
nonsense like milk names in America. You'll go by what's on your birth
certificate, and that is Rachel."
               "Raye," she shot back.
               "But Raye is such a masculine name," Blondie whined. 

Joel: <Blondie> That cab isn't exactly yellow, it's more of an ochre!
 This is closer to an off-white zone!  Sammy, dearie, make the world
 conform!!

"Rachel is much more pretty, much more feminine. It's a nice name for 
pageants. They like Rachels. It's only a few months until the Miss
Teen San Francisco, that's enough time for me to get you prepared..."

Crow: If she runs into Sandra Bullock, I've got Jujubes to throw.
Mike: So, um... where's the monsters they beat up every-so-often?
Joel: Stuffing their bras in preparation.

               Raye glared at her, and whirled around to grab her
suitcase. "Actually, I would like to know who the heck you are before
you start organizing my life."
               "Rachel,"

               "Raye,"

Mike: Good, I could use a thirty-minute meal right now.

               "This is Annette. Annette is my wife. Your stepmother.

Joel: She must've bleached her hair since those Beach Party movies.
Mike <Raye>: Lovely, where's the oven?

These are your brothers, Alexander and Jeremy. Alexander is 12 and 
Jeremy is 7."

Crow <Sam>: I wanted to name them Lucifer and Damien... but my wife won
 the toss.

               Raye remained silent but shot daggers at Samuel. 
He would leave Raye's 14-year-old mother the minute he found out she 
was pregnant, but he would remain with Ms Queen of Ditz? 

Joel <Alex>: Hey Daddy, why do we have a sister we knew nothing about?
Crow <Sam>: Well, there was this extremely hot middle-schooler....

What's wrong with this picture?

Tom: Do we get three guesses before we consult the TLX Series 4
 Computer?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Mike: Too many ships, not enough Space Invaders.

A/N: *sigh* well, I'd better go now. Review, will ya? For me?

Crow: Your own 'fic?  Don't you remember what you wrote?
Tom: First Grampa died, then Raye got shipped to the U.S. to live with
 Bob Evilguy.  It's pretty cut-and-dried, really.

Friends, Family and San Francisco

All: [singing] On a cold misty night
               On the corner of Haight
               She stood with a Colt .45...

A/N: yay for ff.n!!! They have a dictionary now!!! Yay! And I KNOW I 
changed the last names. I meant to. 

Mike <Sam>: Author!  You will go by what's on their BIRTH CERTIFICATES!
 Do you hear me?!

And I don't EVER want to catch you using some of the racial slurs I 
will be using in this chapter.

Crow: <Author> And now, a quick word to my idiot reviewers...

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything except those mentioned in the
Disclaimer in Chapter 1.

Crow: I'm typing this in an open field, miles from civilization.
Tom: Dear lord!  *choke* The author's NUDE!

Chapter 2:: America

Tom: Dare we say...?
All: FUCK YEAH!

               "Alexander, sweetheart, hurry up and get your uniform
on," Annette called. "The chauffeur leaves in ten minutes. 

Crow: <Annette> And get that fake license we gave you in case the cops
 pull us over on the way, 'kay honey?

Jeremy, do you have all your supplies, dear? 

Mike: Y'know, for drawing pictures of mountaintops?  Lemon yellow sun?

Rachel, what's keeping you?"

Joel: <Raye> Well, it sure as hell ain't LOVE, lady!

               "Raye," Raye answered stubbornly. "And why do I have
to go to this Broclip place any way?"

Tom: That's the street name.  They really call it "Brother Clippers".
Crow: Where all beauty pageant contestants get their hair sheared!

               "It's Briarcliffe, dear. Rachel, we couldn't send you
to Lowell," Annette answered disgustedly. "It's a public high school.
Imagine the scum you be surrounded with!" 

(A/N: no offense, any Lowell High students.  

Tom <author>: Only *I* am allowed to discriminate.  I called it.

I don't know what your school's like, I live nowhere near San
Francisco.)

Joel <author>: I live nowhere period, as previously stated.

               "Better scum than nose-permanently-stuck-up-in-the-air
idiots." Raye muttered, 

Mike: Get your scum at Club Scum!  Participate in our "Fish Picker"
 singalongs and live immolation demonstrations!

as she grabbed her bag and went out the door. "And it's Raye."

               It had already been a month since Samuel had taken
Raye from Japan, 

Joel: ...yet the police still had no leads.

and she was no nearer to finding a way back than finding a cure for 
AIDS. 

Joel: Raye!  Just jump through the plot holes!
Crow: Hey, wait... doesn't she, y'know, become one of those... uhh...
Tom: Sailor chicks?
Crow: Yeah!  Sailor chicks!  Can't she just hop a boat in disguise?

This whole 'real family' junk was driving her insane. 

Joel: Especially since North won't shut the hell up.

This was not a 'real family'. Real fathers don't just up and leave 
their daughters before they're born and then return 16 years later to
reclaim them after their grandfathers die. 

Mike: <Raye> I'm more in the mood for a Mr. Lodge/Veronica-type
 relationship.  Buy me a mall, Daddykins!

Real stepmothers don't call their stepdaughters 'tomboyish devils' 
and insist on them "actually doing something with your hair" 
and to "wear skirts. It's more ladylike" and talk constantly about 
entering their stepdaughters in superficial beauty pageants.

Crow <Raye>: Don't bother, I've got nude photos out there just waiting
 to surface.

               As Raye sat slumped in her desk, glaring 
contumaciously (A/N: use the dictionary! Use the lovely new 
dictionary, peeps!) 

Tom: <Raye> I have "angst" and "despair", but I'm just not feeling
 "contumacious".  Maybe if you dab a bit of horseradish in my eyes?
Mike: Could someone please look up "narrative integrity" while we're
 there?

at the silent, impeccably dressed students and quietly dignified
teacher. 

Joel: Welcome to Conforming 212, taught by Mrs. Stepford.

When the bell chimed softly, all the students stood up and started
singing 

All: I wore my coat, with golden li-ning/ Bright colors shi-ning,
 wonderful and new...!
Mike <Raye>: Dear Lord...

"The Star-Spangled Banner" after which, they pledged allegiance to 
their stupid flag, Raye thought disgustedly, while remaining sitting
in her seat. 'It's a flag, for heavens' sake! It's a piece of fabric!
And not even a very good one at that. 

Tom <Raye>: What kinda lame-ass country has fruity stars on their
 flag!?  Give me a red dot and I'll show you a freaking flag!

Honestly, what kind of country puts stars and stripes on the same 
flag? You shouldn't need to pledge allegiance to a FLAG! Your country,
maybe, not your flag. 

Mike: Dammit, symbols are for the symbol-minded!

Your flag's not going to save your butt in a war.' 

Joel: But in peacetime, it can make a great towel AND toga!

(A/N: before all you Americans start yelling about traitors, I am not 
even American. 

Tom <Author> My nation is Petoria!  The Leader was going to call it
 Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.

I am Canadian, but not to, like, diss you or anything, 

Crow: Canada's national motto.

I just don't see the point in pledging allegiance to a flag.)

Tom: However, it IS perfectly acceptable to pledge allegiance to the
 Maple Leafs.
Mike: Though ultimately as pointless.

               "Melaney Aarons!"

               "Here!"

               "George Abraham!"

               "Here!"

Crow: The heck, are we naming each and every Canadian now?
Mike: If we are it shouldn't take much longer.

               "Hannah Barnett!"

               "Here!"

               "Milagros Dion!"

               "Here!"

Joel: This is the scene they should use for the trailer.

               "Selena Granth!"

               For one wild moment, Raye thought she had said Serena
Grant and thought 

Tom: <Raye> Wow, that last name sounds NOTHING like Tsukino!

'What in the world is Serena doing here?'

Crow: Staging a rescue, he said hopefully...

               "Here!"

               The teacher continued to call out names, and Raye 
sort of zoned out. She was brought back to reality by somebody poking
her in the back with a pencil. 

Joel: <student, singing> Connect the dots, la la la....

"Hey!" she snarled. "What was that for?!"

               "I said, Rachel Winslow." The teacher snapped, 
already at her wits' end with this girl.

Joel: Tolerance is something that happens to other people.
Tom: Someone needs a few less double-caramel apples with their
 espressos.

               "So? Not me." Raye shrugged.

               "You're the only one left in this class who hasn't
answered yet."

Mike <Raye>: That's an honor I'll be glad to hold on to.

               "My name is not Rachel Winslow."

               "Then you're in the wrong class."

Joel <Teacher>: Is this not your beautiful stapler?  Is this not your
 beautiful chair?

               Raye snorted derisively. "If I had it my way, I
wouldn't even be in this country."

Tom <Raye>: I'd rather be in Canada!  Pledging allegiance to a Leaf,
 eating poutine by the kilo and hammering the centers out of toonies
 while huffing Petrol Canada!

               "Okay, you're in the right class then. I was supposed
to have the Japanese girl in my class," the teacher sighed. 

Crow: <teacher> You're not going to go Super Saiyan on me, are you?

"But it says Rachel Winslow on my register."

Mike: Next to Credit, Debit, and No Sale.

               "Of all the presumptuous things to do," Raye muttered 
angrily. "It's not Rachel Winslow. It's Raye Yakira."

               "I'm sorry, Rachel," the teacher smiled, not sounding 
sorry at all. 

Joel <teacher> It's out of my control, Fingal.

"If it's not what's on your registration, it's not what I have to call
you. 

Tom <Teacher> And since I hold the registration, I'm gonna cross out
 "Rachel" and write "Big Poopy Head" in crayon!  How's that strike you,
 Big Poopy Head Winslow?

And tomorrow, you will stand with the rest of the class."

Mike: <Dennis> Hey Arvid, doesn't the new girl look like Maria?

               "OF ALL THE LOW-DOWN ROTTEN THINGS YOU COULD'VE DONE
TO ME, YOU HAD TO CHANGE MY NAME?" Raye screamed at Samuel later that
afternoon. 

Joel: <Samuel> What the hell's wrong with Slim Shady?
Mike: <Raye> There's too many of them!

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! YOU'RE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH!"
               "Rachel, it isn't right for a girl not to bear her 
father's surname," Samuel said calmly. 

Crow: <Sam> Now go milk the cows and churn the butter.  We need butter.

"Frankly, I'm surprised Taro allowed you to carry his surname."

Tom: What girl wouldn't want to be called "Pantyhose"?

               "Raye." Raye muttered disgustedly. "And you have no 
right to tell me what Grampa should've done. 

Mike: <Samuel> Well, he might've kept his millions if not for all those
 sexual harassment suits....

He did what he believed was right and he was the greater man for it."

Joel: Well, gee, Sammy's only doing what he believes is right too.

               "Taro was no man." Samuel snarled. 

Tom: I always wondered why he never talked about his bris...

"Any decent man would've sent his daughter away, or at least have had 
her married off as soon as he learned she was-"

Mike: ...a mutant!

               SLAP! Samuel head rang with the sting of his
daughter's backhand. 

Tom: <singing> Ev'ry little thing she does is vi'-lent, ev'ry thing she
 does just makes me bruise...

Anger and hatred soon overtook any surprise he had lingering and
before Raye knew what had happened, her arms were twisted behind her
back painfully and Samuel had kicked her fiercely in the stomach
numerous times. 

Crow: He's standing behind her and kicking up between her legs?  Eww.

He released her and stalked off in anger. 

Oy, that girl infuriated him! 

Tom: <Sam> She's such a verklempt meshuggeneh with too much chutzpah!

The same non-conformist attitude as her sainted mother. 

Mike: Sainted Mother... Theresa?!
Joel: Nope, Goose.

If she wasn't careful she would find herself in deeper than she could 
handle. Samuel would make sure of that. 

Mike: Youmas are made to be fried... but daddies are forever!

He had a good life here in America and no self-proclaimed True-
Japanese teenage girl was going to jeopardize that.

Tom: Oh, come on.  Any businessman with the brains of an alligator gar
 would just parade her at functions, claiming racial harmony and
 upright community service.

December, Tokyo

Tom: Sam at this point had taken to caving in Raye's ribs and
 attempting to sever her spinal cord... 
Crow: <Raye, singing> All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth...

              If there was one thing Amy Anderson wished she could go
back in time and change, it was that fateful day in February when she 

Mike: ...paid five bucks to see "Terminal Velocity".

accepted Irving Harder's offer of a date. 

Joel: Especially when she figured out that he was just "Official Date
 Troller" for Jerry Seinfeld.

Sure, he had been a perfect gentleman in the beginning, but that just 
hid his true intentions. 

Joel: Because, gentle reader, only two types of men exist. Mean or
 dead.

Amy, hopelessly head over heels for him and not wanting to lose him, 
had foolishly slept with him.

Crow: <Amy> Last time I take dating advice from Lita.

               And now she was 8 months pregnant. Oh, the irony of it
all. 

Mike: Especially since her belly won't fit into her fuku anymore.
Joel: I wonder if Irving will be welcomed back to the synagogue after
 this.

Everybody never expected the perfect Amy Anderson to get 'knocked up'.

Joel: Drew Barrymore IS Amy Anderson IN "Riding in Hondas with Boys"!

               Belle LaChance, Amy's mother, 

Crow: Paid for Amy's pickles and ice cream with singles from her job.

had been an absolute angel during all this. She had been in the same 
situation when Amy had been born, except a little older, but not that 
much: 22.

Tom: Uh-oh... when word gets out that she's a grandmother, her
 stripping career will be over.
Mike: Nah, she'll just go to work at the Slipped Disco.  All grannies,
 all the time.

               This particular day, Amy had been on Messenger,
talking with her friends, including Raye in America, for whom it was
pretty late at night.

Mike: <Amy> I can't reach the keyboard anymore!  Waaah!

RAYE:  I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick of America!

LITA:  Ah, don't give up just yet.

Crow: <Lita> You pick up a case of Serena-itis, Raye?

RAYE:  Excuse me?

Mike: <Lita> Okay.  Dear Mrs. Stepford, Raye won't be into school
 tomorrow.  Signed, Raye's Mother.

MINA:  You heard her.

RAYE:  Actually, no I didn't.

SERENA:  Fine. You want to get spesifik, you red her.

AMY:  Serena, improve your spelling. Drastically.

SERENA:  L

Tom: She's resorted to AOL Instant Telepathy.

LITA:  HAHA!

MINA:  *sound of laughter*

Crow: This fanfic has been captioned for the onomatopoeically impaired.

RAYE:  Amy One  Serena None! How are you doing any way, Aims?

AMY:  Meh.

RAYE:  Thought so.

LITA:  Hasn't been in school for a couple weeks now.

Crow: <Amy> Yes I have!  I've been in the bathroom!
Joel: <Lita> For six weeks?!

AMY:  It's getting too close to the due date. Maman wants me home.

Joel: <Amy> I gotta have this baby before it expires!
Tom: <Lita> Don't worry, you can always send it back to the
 manufacturer for some coupons on your next child.

RAYE:  BRB

LITA:  What just happened here?

Mike: You have just experienced a prose-to-script shift.  Please remain
 seated until the scene comes to a full and complete stop.

MINA:  Someone's going past. I don't think she's supposed to be on
right now.

SERENA:  That makes sense. Somewhat.

Mike: <Raye> Honest, daddy, I was looking at gay porn!  Not talking to
 my friends!  I swear!

AMY:  There's a big gap between our time and her time, Serena. 

Crow: For instance, Raye here is currently living in the late 1880s.

It may be early afternoon here, but it's getting late at night there.

SERENA:  Rite.

Tom: <Lita> Rilly.
Joel: <Amy> Werd.

RAYE:  All right, it's safe now. What did I miss?

LITA:  Absolutely nothing.

RAYE:  I missed Serena making a fool out of herself again, didn't I?

Joel: (***Raye(youre_fired@192.42.109.4) has been tempbanned by Serena
 (Speling didn't get in the way ov my DeVry digree either!))

MINA:  Nothing new or unusual about that.

RAYE:  True, true.

Tom <Raye>: So.... WASAAAAAAAABI?!

SERENA:  Hey!

LITA:  Come on, Serena, you know it's true.

Tom: <Raye> Hahahaha!  This is just what I needed to take my mind off
 my broken ribs and punctured lung!

RAYE:  Aw, man!

MINA:  What?

LITA:  What?

SERENA:  What?

AMY:  What?

Mike: Script doctoring by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

RAYE: G2G. If I'm insanely lucky and the Fates are in my favour,
I'll actually talk to you guys again. Samuel just walked in.

Mike: <Sam> I need the computer!  My FFXI group meets in two minutes!

RAYE HAS LOGGED OFF.

SERENA:  Pore girl.

Tom: Yep, that's Kennedy with Oxy-10!
Crow: <Yakov Smirnoff> In Soviet Russia, bad grammar use you!

LITA:  You got that right.

MINA:  Serena, don't you EVER study for your spelling?

Crow: <Serena> I never got past beagle.

SERENA:  Why? Am I supposed to?

AMY:  Simply incorrigible.

Mike <singing>: She's so fine, there's no tellin' where the mem-'ry
 went!

SERENA:  Funny, Luna just said the same thing.

MINA:  Artemis agrees with them.

Tom: Of course, Artemis would agree with a dead raccoon if it meant
 more "Tender Vittles".

SERENA:  What does incorrigible mean?

LITA:  Never mind, Serena.

SERENA:  But I want to know!

Mike: <Lita> Read it in the Midnight Star, Serena.

LITA:  Just say good-night, Gracie.

SERENA:  I'm not Gracie.

Crow: "Sailor Moon" or a rerun of "Animaniacs"?  You make the call!

LITA:  It's a saying, baka.

SERENA:  But you didn't say it.

Crow <Lita>: Fine, it's an expression then.
Mike <Serena>: But I can't see your face!

LITA:  Just shut up, Serena.

MINA:  Shut up, Meatball-Head.

AMY:  Girls, be nice.

SERENA:  Al wright I've got to go now. Mom's teling me to get of, so
of I go. 

Joel: <Amy> Nitpick would have a field day with you, Garbler.

See ya. I AM NOT A MEATBALL HEAD, JASMINA MITIROWITZ!!!

Joel: I feel as if I need an English/Hebrew dictionary for this.
Crow: If we read this from right to left, would it make more sense?

MINA:  Sure you are.

SERENA HAS LOGGED OFF.

AMY:  That's our Serena, all right.

Mike: This is like rejected outtakes from Laugh-In.

MINA:  Without a shade of a doubt.

LITA:  Well, I've got to go now, too. I'll drop by tomorrow after
school, Amy. I'll find Serena and tell her to come with.

MINA:  Count on me being there. But I've got to go now, as well.

Tom: <Mina> This scene's appointment with Dr. Kevorkian is finally
 here.

AMY:  Well, I guess there's no point in staying here by myself.

Joel: <Amy> Now for a little bit of 2chan...

LITA:  See you.

MINA:  Yeah, bye.

AMY:  Bye.

LITA HAS LOGGED OFF.


MINA HAS LOGGED OFF.

AMY HAS LOGGED OFF.

Mike: Boy, that was a gripping scene, wasn't it?
Crow: Taut suspense, pulse-pounding drama.... are at higher levels in
 "The Tale of Peter Cottontail".
Joel: How about we take a breather from the action and suspense?
Crow: You mean since the beginning of the 'fic?
Joel [chuckling]: Naw, let's head out...


  To be continued in Part 2!  Stay tuned to see the angst flow and 
on the off-chance we might even see a Sailor Scout!


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