Chester Castaneda wrote:

Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make
errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on
the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction
writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the
right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
 

% Done. Nice standard C+C disclaimer.

In short... Howdy. Me again. C&C. Grain of salt. Ikuzo.

On 6/15/05, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:

 

strapped to their belts, along with a number of less bloody instruments,
such as truncheons and blackjacks. All were implements of pain, and each
   

Suggest: "All carried implements of pain", "Everyone carried implements of pain," or simply
replace the period after "blackjacks" with a semicolon and change "Everyone" to small caps
(everyone).
 

% Yeah, I just butchered that one. It has been changed

Kraken walked toward him, moving with fluidity despite the peg leg. �Oh,
a comedian. You must be the new swabbie we hired in Thailand, is that
right?�
   

"It's all DB Sommer's fault and his penchant for ad-libbing sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek jokes in
the middle of an intro!" the sailor blurted out in panic.
 

% That too, but I am a bastard. Don't like Seafood, though, so I could 
never be a pirate.

The men had started to move with renewed zeal when a voice from perched
above a large stack of crates said, �Well, well well,
   

Shouldn't the second 'well' have a comma beside him too? He looks left out.
 

%Yeah. Used most of your grammar comments, BTW

either this is a
 

really off 
   

(shrug) Might I suggest: a really rotten/awful/etc., since 'off' is something I usually see in the
narrative instead of dialogue _unless_ it's a professor/wordy-and-smarmy type of character who's
talking.

 

% Actually it goes with 'off broadway'. Meaning nowhere near it.

One of the sailors said, �Commander Kraken�s always talked like that.
It�s not a costume, that�s his everyday clothing. He doesn�t have any
super powers either.�
   

And the DB Humor Mill strikes again. ^_^ It's like you're practically daring the reviewer to say
that Kraken's portrayal is too cliched, knowing that it's futile.
 

% Actually that's what Mousse is saying, essentially. Ditto with why he 
actually has his slaves in chains as they board the ship.

Kraken: Cliche? Cliched my arse, laddie. Do _I_ be making fun of yer way of speakin'? Do I whine
about yer landlubber words as too humdrum that you all sound like sheep ta me? That's crazy talk.
Live and let live.

^^;; Ah. Logic and reason wins again.
 

% Heh.

�I prefer to think of myself as a purveyor of rare and exclusive goods.
Besides, you speak of the laws of other countries. The rules of mere
landlubbers hold no dominion over Commander Kraken. My home is the ocean
that covers three-quarters of the world, and there the law be survival
of the fittest. I am a law unto myself. And I say, you be the dead one
here. Get him, swabbies!�
   

Getting into the head of the good Commander such that his logic and motivations are quite laid out
for all to see without at all feeling awkwardness discussing such things is... Well, I have no
words, really. ^^; 

Daredevil: Let him whine all he wants, it's no excuse for his crimes.

Kraken: Tis not an excuse nor whinin'. Tis an explanation. 
 

% Kraken: And you're a landlubber anyway, so who gives a shark's behind 
what you think.

�Trying to shoot someone with a sword that shoots electricity proves
you�re a super-villain!� Daredevil shouted.

�No, it proves I�m sneaky and underhanded, just like a proper pirate
should be.�
   

^^; They're really going to continue to debate about that, aren't they?
 

% Heh. Kraken does raise a point.

�I can anchor me peg leg to just about anything, sort of turning a
debilitating injury into an advantage, don�t you know,� Commander Kraken
   

It'd be cool if Kraken had a peg leg/pistol in one, like that assassin in Ripley's Believe it or
Not.
 

% He has a laser beam hidden in it.

Daredevil�s radar sense tipped him off to Kraken�s heartbeat and
adrenaline increasing, indicating he was about to attack. With a
backhand swing, Daredevil cut off the peg leg that had just started to
rise up off the ground. A laser flashed for a split second before the
concealed weapon was rendered inoperable.
   

Kraken: I have something even better than a pistol, laddie.

Daredevil: 'Had'... You _had_ something even better than a pistol.
 

% Kraken: You're an awful man, attacking someone handicapped like me. 
Wait until I sue.

�Damn� pathological liar,� Daredevil hissed out.
   

Ah. Cool. It's someone who can lie even when the human lie detector Daredevil is around.
 

% Yep. it's not infallable.

Kraken sneered at the unspoken threat. �Don�t be stupid, you land bound
twit. I know you super heroes don�t go around torturing people for, Agh!�

The flat of the blade met Kraken�s head, a discharge of electrity following.
   

electricity

Oh, and Kraken? You're speaking to Marvel's closest version of Batman, a guy who had also gone
through the grim rewritings of one Frank Miller. He _can_ and _will_ torture you.
 

% Depends on what Miller era. Early on, no. Now, could be, since I 
didn't keep up on the title.

placed on the table in front of where the Hard Master had formerly sat,
said its name was Onsokumaru, and announced it had become the new head
of the Hand. 
   

Oh. My. God. You didn't. O_O 

William Shatner: Curse... you, Sommer! CUUURSE... YOOOOOUUUU!!!

(clears throat) Ah, yes. The wtf moment. Or rather, the wtmfs moment. This is definitely a swerve
I didn't expect, especially since I was gunning for more dramatic tension promised by what could
be a Daredevil-Elektra reunion.
 

% Think of him as a mutant, if you must. Really, how much worse is he 
than the 'Mole Man',. anyway? Besides, even Matsuo admits Onsokumaru 
is... inappropriate.

Most of the other lieutenants, like Matsuo, assumed this
 

was some sort of test, and placidly accepted the situation. However,
this Onsokumaru thing ran things as though it were in charge, and there
was no Hard Master to contradict its whimsical decisions.
   

Onsokumaru: Nonsense. I am the new HARD MASTER! Wood Man, Hard Man, and Snake Man doesn't have
anything on me with my new phallic sounding name!

I'm as curious as they are on how this came to be. 2x2 Shinobuden is something I expect to be used
with spamfics, oneshots, joke fics, and a crossover of Azumanga... not Avenging. On the other
hand, there's the Chobits chapter....
 

% exactly. Shino 2X2 involves ninjas, so does the Hand. It's a perfect 
fit. Mostly.

distract them. The only odd thing about the uniform was the white
headband with the smiley face on it. But even that was appropriate since
the girl called Shinobu seemed perpetually happy. 
   

Shinobu: As same as always, I'm Shinobu. In this wonderful 21st century, how is everybody feeling
today? ^-^ <3 <3 <3

Don't forget the fact that the head band acts as a kind of mood ring for Shinobu's feelings.
 

% Hmm. Never noticed it. I did notice Miyabi's acting up, though.

(shakes head in disbelief) This is surreal. A complete 180 from what I anticipated. I'd admittedly
love to see how you'll pull this off, though. 
 

% It's some of the humor in this chapter, which the last one lacked.

Where Shinobu
 

was perpetually happy, the taciturn Sasuke was dour and radiated a
healthy amount of anger, which in turn was dwarfed by his barely
retrained sense of power.
   

I get the feeling that this isn't the same Sasuke in the Shinobuden... not by a long shot. ^^;
You've put in a substitute Sasuke to take his place, I suppose? Perhaps from that Naruto series I
keep hearing about? :P
 

% Yeah. Will add Uchihara (sp?) to make that clear. It contrasts Onso' 
bodyguard nicely, since he and Shinobu are nearly polar opposites in 
every way.

A body fell through the tile and landed on the middle of the table.

�Oh, there it is.� Shinobu removed the poisoned throat dart from body
   

Revise: throat dart from the body (add 'the' in between 'from body')

This Shinobu of yours is, like, scary. Soujiro-scary. O_o 
 

% she's just happy, and accident prone. And lucky. Or a genius that 
hides her skills behind clutsiness. Whatever it is, it works for her.

Onsokumaru slammed a hand (which appeared from his round surface) on to
the table. �Didn�t I order babe recruitment up two hundred percent?�

�It seems most babes want to be models, not assassins,� the man explained.
   

He _could_ hire one of the rejected Gung Ho Guns... the babe that at least _looked_ the part of an
assassin. Granted, she's about as threatening as the Gensomaden Saiyuki gang when it comes to
combat,

% I don't know, paralyzing your opponent until you can blow their head 
off is a pretty decent ability.

but I digress. It probably won't matter to Onsokumaru anyway, knowing him. ^^

 

Matsuo answered, �It�s Elektra, Sir. She�s killing the men we keep
sending to kill her.�
   

Ah. And it's even intertwined to the main story. 

% Yeah, if there's the Hand involved, Elektra can't be far behind.

(blinks) I don't know why it's intertwined with
the main story, but it is. This fic is getting an identity crisis on whether it's going to be a
drama or a comedy.

% It does both. Onsok is actually efficient enough to keep the Hand 
going, and he is taking it in imaginative directions. Not necessarily 
great ideas, but different ones.

On the other hand, most people don't know Shinobuden, and it may only be me and
my Shinobuden bias at work. ^^;

 

Shinobu raised her hand and gleefully shouted, �I can kill her,
Onsokumaru-sama!�
   

O_o

On that note, she has apparently gotten over her pet hawk/Master confusion over Onsokumaru and
Onsokumaru + beard. 
 

% Yeah.

resisted the urge. No one had expected Youji Kudou, Aya Fujimiya. Ken
Hidaka, or Omi Tsukiono, the so-called �Snakeroot� of the Hand, to show
up at the meeting. They were unquestionably some of the greatest killers
the Hand had ever seen.
   

Well, whaddyaknow. You're really getting the cameos into this fic wholesale. The White Cross guys.
 

% Not really cameos since they get a fight scene in this.

the weight of the skeleton chipping some of the table surface. �We
couldn�t remove the head. Did you know his entire skeleton is made of
adamantium? Stuff�s fused together, too.�
   

Awwww. So Wolvie's out of the Avenging picture, becoming canon fodder for the fangirl foursome?
 

% He killed Sabretooth and Cyber, though, so it's not like he rolled 
over and played dead for them.

For bishonen that you'd love to bash (AFAIK), you sure gave them such a dubious 'honor'. 
 

% They didnt' do it on their own, as I go on to mention.

The youngest, Omi, added, �That Yukio girl that was with him is dead,
too. I found out she was my third cousin, twice removed. Another member
of my family is dead. Soon there won�t be any of them left.� He sighed.
   

Heh. I was wondering what sort of gimmick he'd be having in your fic.
 

% Him and his dead family. Man, I hated that series. Made myself watch 
every epsiode too. Shudder.

�It doesn�t?� Aya asked.

�No! It just means I like sleeping with guys! I don�t even like fags.�
   

It figures that the one who's arguably the 'straightest' of the four would become like this in yer
fic. 
 

% Oh? I thought he had no female love interest and was pretty friendly 
with his old soccer buddy. Youji on the other hand not only had a tragic 
love thing with his former girlfriend, but I believe they show him in 
bed with two girls at once. Omi has the whole unknowing incest thing 
going. Aya I thought had someone, but I might be forgetful.

Ken: (looks at me weirdly) I'm the straightest one of us four and I still am. I only sleep with
straight men.

(gets a headache)
 

% True. Ken is homophobic, not gay.

�Not really,� Onsokumaru said. �We assumed you�d die like the two
hundred and thirty-five other members of the Hand he�s killed before
you. We only sent you on that mission in the hopes that you�d meet the
same fate as the others. You are insane, after all.�
   

That actually made sense.
 

% Onsokmaru kind of knows what he's doing.

Aya said, �He had just fought and killed two men, one called Creed and
the other called Cyber. 
   

Well, Creed, yeah... but who the hell's Cyber?
 

% Foe of Wolvies. He had an adamantium epidermis. Wolvie had to bite out 
an eye to hurt him. was lamely killed by Cable's kid and his adamantium 
recycled as a bribe for wolvie, if I recall correctly.

�I said we were hoping you would die, not that actually dying is part of
the mission. If you don�t want to die, then don�t.�
   

Onsokumaru: I'm a pimp daddy in this fic, and everybody else is my bitch.
 

% As long as he has Sasuke and Shinobu with him.

Aya shrugged. �Why not?�
   

Awwww. And here I was expecting Aya to be on the range of Heero Yuy on comedic styles as his
running gag.
 

% Nah. All of the Wk boys will die by the end of this fic.

�Ohh, you are well informed. How did you know I have a fetish for
urine?� She grasped his groin even tighter.

Atsushi laughed. It appeared it was going to be a good night after all.
   

Eeeeewww.

(blinks) For good or for ill, this has got to be the most perverted fic of yours that I've ever
read, and I've even read Sextacular and Gestalt. From seeing the type of sardonically humorous
theme this chapter has set up, this is also the most deprived Avenging chapter yet. Imagine,
necrophilia and a urine fetish... What next, scat fetish? (shudders)
 

% No. Just making some risque jokes is all. Surprised by the vehement 
reaction to the urine joke. Not so much for the necrophilia, but then in 
this Youji is insane.

Stick shook her head sadly. �Listen to me, boy, any relationship with
someone named Elektra is bound to end in tragedy. It�s fate. Keep your
distance from her.�
   

Random thought... Just who will Target--er, I mean Bullseye be? That's an episode worth waitin'
for.
 

% Act III at the earliest. Yeah, the dynamics there are going to be... 
good, as it's not the original Bullseye who has the name.

almost no walls slowly falling into ruin. A scarecrow of concrete and
steel in a field of urban decay.
   

Ah. How poetic. Nice to see you mixing up your readable prose with Milton-like stylized prose from
time to time.
 

% Ha! Bent over backwward to do that little metaphric/simile type thing, 
since I use almost none of that sort of stuff. I really need to practice 
it more often.

the structure in a way mere eyes never could. Except for what color it
was, of course.
   

(closed fist smacks palm) Sou desu ka. So _that's_ why your first ever costume featured yellow
sleeves and pants on a one-piece-bikini-like red spandex.
 

% Had to have been. I'm sure he'd be stunned if he knew what it really 
looked like.

�You�re in rare form,� Elektra congratulated. �I�m going to need those
extra senses of yours.�

�Tell me about Shampoo.�
   

Aaaaand of course, unless it's raining (if, AFAIK, Movie 'canon' is to be believed), he couldn't
really tell if the person he's talking to is Shampoo. OTOH, the only Shampoo he remembers is the
six-year-old one...
 

% Yep. He has no sightless memory to remmeber her by, and it has been 
ten years. She's changed.

Elektra made no effort to hide her disdain. �Spare me your useless
morality. If it�s any consolation to you these four are killers a
hundred times over, and unlike me, they�re psychotics that enjoy it.
   

So why not use 'Schwartz' instead of the White Cross if it's psychotics you want?
 

% One of them was horribly powerful. The Krouse had less raw power, and 
frankly, after actually watching that series (which many fangirls of the 
characters seem to hate), I'm entitled to whack them once. \

Omi: And skip the "my family's going extinct because of me and my out-of-place angst" jokes? Don't
be such a spoilsport. 
 

% Well, that too.

her, Elektra remained crouched behind the wall, her sais drawn and at
the ready.
   

Nitpick: Has the word 'sai' been adopted in the English language such that 'sais' would be its
correct plural form (Japanese words don't have plural forms, after all)? Or is this another case
of what writers call as 'creative license'?
 

% Umm, if not the former, than surely the latter.

�Why did you do that?� Daredevil snapped.

�So you�d have no choice but to help me. Now it�s kill or be killed.
Besides, I�d rather know when and where they�re going to try to kill me.
It makes a confrontation easier.�
   

Sneaky, but of course she is a professional.
 

% Yep.

Daredevil felt Ken�s heartbeat triple, well beyond how excited he had
been during the fight. �Did you just imply I�m a fag?� He pushed harder
on the claws, making Daredevil cry out in pain.

�He was just swearing at you, not impugning your sexuality,� Aya said in
a tired voice.
   

Tom Cruise: He was sooo not! The blind guy was sooo questioning his masculinity! I know... I've
been there. THRUST ON HIM DEEPER, KEN!

Ken: ~_O
 

% Heh

From above, Omi shouted, �Wait, ask him if he�s related to anyone named
Omi Tsukiono.�
   

Isn't it supposed to be, "Mamoru Taketori" (his real name) instead of "Omi Tsukiono" (his adopted
name)?
 

% Hmm. Good point.

�No way! You�ll try and kill him, and he�s mine to kill for calling me gay!�

�He didn�t say you were gay,� Aya repeated in a tired voice.
   

Ah, so Aya's the straight man of the four.

Ken: NO! _I'm_ the straight man of us four! Besides, Aya's a girl's name. (preens, sticks his
tongue out at Aya)

Aya: =_=
 

% Well, it was. God Aya had a lame origin.

went flying to the side. Or more correctly, half of it, as he saw, to
his horror, that someone had unscrewed the cue, making it two missiles.
Having thrown them so closely together and perfectly in line, Aya had
mistaken it for only one.
   

Aoshi Shinimori: I cry foul. That's copyright infringement over special techniques.
 

% Hmm. Aoshi. Pedophile, as I recall, given Misao's age.

�Of course not.�
   

Elektra: Listen carefully, then. There's a lesson to be learned here.
 

% Elektra: A harsh one, since I haven't really grasped the concept of 
not being ruthless in all things yet.

But instead you wander aimlessly about on a Quixotic quest, wasting
everything she had wished for you to have. And you say I�m heartless?
   

To hear such poetry of words from Shampoo is surreal.
 

% She's had a harsh life.

[End fic]
   

Just how surreal is this fic? It's Salvador Dali on prose, man.
 

% Given Spragg, the LIving Hill, and there was a trucker called 
Razorback who was a superhero (yes, he had a dead boar sitting on his 
head), I don't think Onsokmaru is that out of place.

Hokay, some people have called you (in not so many words), one sick puppy, and I am to concur with
them not because of this chapter's use of the themes of necrophilia, homophobia, or the
family-killing-philia, or the 'I never had the chance to have a gimmick, so I became the straight
man"-philia, or the urine fetish...

...It's because of the 2x2 Shinobuden crossover and the fact that Onsokumaru has been unleashed
into one of your fics. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick! (OTOH, I'm glad he wasn't unleashed into
Sextacular)
 

% There are limits to my evil. I don't go near 2X2 doujinshis, even

I was expecting dramatic content, and I got it. I wasn't expecting craziness aside from the usual
tongue-in-cheek humor your fics intrinsically has, but the craziness was there anyway.

% There have been humorous bit strewn throughout the series. I mean, 
Hand Maid May and Chi are super villains in this, and I had the Blob 
running around in a thong. I don't think Onsoko stands out too badly.

I'm not
really sure if the dramatic parts and Onsoku-freakin'-maru meshed well, but I neither do I care.
Bottom line? If this chapter were untagged and the author and title parts were stripped from it,
I'd still be able to tell that this, without a doubt, is a DB Sommer fic (the same way I'd take
one look at an anime and tell whether it's a 'Gainax' or not). And I'll leave it at that. :P Is
the comment in any way good or bad? Hah! You decide.
 

% I decide... good.

(shakes head) In any case, not too many spelling and grammar errors this time. I couldn't tell how
the prose flowed, I was too concentrated on the content. As such, blah blah blah, I'll be looking
forward/dreading future installments of Avenging from now on. ;P Abdiel out.
 

% Next one should be more coventional. Not sure if there will be much 
humor in it either, but we'll see once I start writing it. Busy writing 
a lemon that won't be posted here on the FFML as it's too raunchy, in my 
opinion. Not really appropriate for the forum. It'll probably go up on 
the Larry F and Mediaminer pages eventually, though. Then I'll probably 
start on the next chapter of Avenging, depending on the muse.

% Thanks again for all the help. It's really appreciated. Helped out a lot

DB Sommer



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