Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Adrian Tymes wrote:
[This is missing something, but I can't quite tell what. Am I spending
too much time trying to develop characters given the length of the fic?
Am I adding too many "new" concepts to the MG genre? Or am I just
completely missing what I'm missing?
Well, let's see.
Good thing it had just rained and
the woods were green: no one would hear the guards' yelling, but a
forest fire might attract attention.
I am not sure that a colon is the proper punctuation to be using there.
Scarlet always wanted to be a spy when she grew up.
Should be "always had wanted," I believe.
These attacks had only gone on for two weeks before she met a spider
on her way home from school. At first she thought it a tarantula, but
it had no fur, and far too much intelligence shone in its eyes to be a
mere arachnid. It had climbed the tree in her front yard to just
above her eye level. She looked at it, it looked at her, and they
stayed like that for many minutes. Eventually it seemed to come to a
conclusion, and produced a broach with a stylized flame insignia,
dangling it in front of her on a cord. She took it, intending only to
get a closer look - but the moment she touched it, she felt the power
bond to her. Scarlet Fury had been born.
...a spider as the magical companion. Interesting.
Breathing fire always left a bad taste in her mouth, over and above
the charred pork stench from her target. But it was quite effective,
especially when aimed into his open mouth. The sheer pressure of air
forced in by the heat wave triggered his choking reflex before he
could scream, but his brainstem burnt away before he could cough.
Enough of his brain was left to be technically conscious and aware of
collapsing at her feet, but she walked on knowing exactly how many
seconds were left until he was dead.
Ew. Nasty.
Actually, that goes for most of the rest of the story, but I guess
that's what that dark tag is for. ;)
Hmm... overall I agree that there's something missing. I think, rather
than too many "new" concepts it might be the lack of "old" concepts, if
that makes any sense. You've strayed so far from the standards of the
genre that there's really not much "Magical Girl" left - except for a
handful of references and the naming conventions, it could just as
easily be about generic superheroes.
I hope that helps some.