[FFML] [C&C][Draft][Slayers][Continuation]Slayers Legacy Episode One

I'm fairly sure that I've already sent this, but it's already sometime since I got the nonexistent
confirmation, so I'm sending this again. Apologies to all concerned if this still somehow comes
out as a double send (though I doubt it at this point).


		


		
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Backlog... Backlog... for something short and sweet.

Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

So my next victim iiiis.... :P

Michael P. Hopcroft wrote:

For the record, this is a sequel to a previous contuation


continuation

series I did

last year called Slayers Inheritance. The first series might be in the
archives, and it should still be on fanfiction.net.


I think I read that on and off during the course of its run in the FFML... I think.

SLAYERS LEGACY

"A Family Crisis! Who the Hell is Zoa?"


The main boss in Tsukihime?

Oh, and you have smart quotes and formatting problems in your fic. Some mail clients can't read this type of formatting. If you're using Word, uncheck all the autocorrect options first and save your file as plain text before sending your fic out to the FFML.


Valgaav took a deep breath as he walked down a country road. "We're
almost home, Anya." he said. "We're in familiar ground."


There're two single space lines in between paragraphs. Is it intentional? Or perhaps a formatting error? It's a bit superfluous, IMO.

Anya Inverse couldn't help but smile at the thought of seeing her
parents, the legendary monster-fighters Lina Inverse and Gourry Gabriev
again. After the struggle against Xellos and the myriad adventures that
had befallen them along the way home, she was in need of a rest. She
also knew that something special was waiting for them.


Your type of simple and straightforward prose is a refreshing change to the overzealous designs of some of the other fics I've C&Ced, truth be told. It's simple and reader-friendly, so kudos to you on that department.

and Valgaav had gotten to know each other very well. It wasn;t as if


wasn't

they had much choice, since they basically had each other's company on
the journey "home" from Syeruun. "I imagine you're going to want to
resume wandering the world with your family once everything settles down."


Suggest: "I imagine you're going to resume..." or "I imagine you'll want to..." so that the prose will flow better, IMO.

"I'm sure that's what they want me to do," Anya replied, with a little
hint of sadness in her voice. "And they are my parents, so i pretty


so I pretty

"Did you have other plans, though?" Valgaav asked. His voice was not at
all pointed, but Anya felt a little bit of a sting. Although ti


Revise 'ti' to 'it'

"But I guess it can't be helped. You are the

dutiful daughter, after all."


"Such a boring little girl," Asuka drawled.

Anya put her hand back to her side but she was deep in thought.


I don't think 'but' is the correct word/conjunction here. Suggest separating the two parts of the sentence into separate sentences.

Yes, loved her. Anya was far from blind to it. He had not said as much,
except perhaps in little sly ways, but she knew it was true.


How... atypical. Usually, to add conflict, most authors (professional and fanfic authors alike) pepper a bit of doubt and insecurity into their heroines, especially with the ambiguous, silent-type partner like Valgaav. I'm not saying it's bad or wrong, I'm just noting it's unusual. I hope you're not doing that to speed things along. Letting the plot coast along instead of race away has its benefits at times.

But could

it ever be? He was an Ancient Dragon, albeit one who took a very
handsome human form most of the time, and she was very much human. He
would outlive her by centuries if she was to spend her entire life with
him.


Oh wait... Here's another type of conflict to make use of in the Valgaav-Anya relationship. The typical Aragorn- dilemma. Or perhaps the typical May-December romance. ^^;

She then surprised Anya by giving her a quick hug. "Thank

Cepheid you both are all right!" Filia said. "Even with the notes you've
been sending, everyone has been worried sick about you two." She then


Er, don't use 'then' so much. I don't think you need the second 'then' over there.

Valgaav smiled. "Yes, I have. Anya is still pure in body - and, as far
as she's let on, in mind as well. Lina has no cause to fireball me."


Er, that's one of the weirdest son-mother conversations I've ever heard. Almost Freudian, even.

Filia: No hanky-panky, okay honey?

Valgaav: Don't worry mom, Anya's still 'pure in body'.

Anya: HEY! At the very least, can you _not_ discuss that in front of me?

"Birth? Did they make it?" Anya asked anxiously, knowing that childbirth
was complicated and that, even with magic, sometimes things could go
terribly wrong.


(nods) ...Especially with the medieval standards of childbirth. Unsanitary birthing procedures and high rates of infant deaths.

"Yes!" Anya shot out. "Of course i want to see them!"


Revise: "Of course I want to see them!"

Filia smiled "It hasn't hatched yet. I'd give it another three weeks.
Well, i;d better take you inside."


Revise: Well, I'd better take you inside."

"they're adorable! I can;t believe these fragile little creatures are my


"They're adorable! I can't believe these fragile little creatures are my

Valgaav smiled. "There may be jobs for you at court.",


Valgaav smiled. "There may be jobs for you at court,"

Anya noticed something. "It's a bit chilly in here," she said, "Which is
odd because there's a fire burning in the stove."


Nitpick: The formality of how "Which is odd because there's a fire burning in the stove" was said leads me to believe that this line belongs to prose instead of dialogue. Dialogue, as a general rule, should be loose and informal, while prose should be formal. You, of course, may disagree.

Anya ran into the babies' room and was greeted by an awful sight.
Standing over the crib was a figure robed in black. It stood about nine
feet tall and seemed to have a sinister, chill air about it.


Suggest: Dropping 'chill' altogether or revise it to 'chilly' (though I'm more for the former suggestion than the lamer latter suggestion)

Anya could

tell he radiated evil, but it wasn't like a mazoku aura. It was
something she had never felt before, and the thought of it chilled her
to the bone.


Another reason to drop 'chill' is its repetition in this part of the paragraph. Let me clarify that it's not _wrong_ to repeat words in the same paragraph, but IMO a tighter and more free-flowing read has less redundancy.

decapitate it. The thing reached out a skeletal hand and caught the
blade in mid swing.


Suggest: mid-swing

Anya wasn't going to hesitate either. "RAH TILT!" she cried, sending an
astral blast into the creature. Valgaav opened his mouth and let fly
with a laser-like breath attack. The two blasts hit the creature square
on, and then vanished with no visible effect.


Ah sou. One of those 'living black hole' entities, ne?

Suddenly :Lina's legs could not support her weight. She fell to the


Suddenly, Lina's legs...

floor, and pushed against it a\in an effort to pull herself to her feet.


Get rid of 'a\' in between 'it' and 'in'

"Your legs won't move until I say they can, Lina Inverse. And I will
never do that.

Huh. I get the feeling that I've read this before... Cliche no. 8 and all that (which is, btw, the ever-stronger-nemesis-than-the-final-boss-of-the-canon-source cliche)

Y'know, it might've been nice to add a bit more subtlety and style to the introduction of this new person to add a bit of believability on him being a threat who can't be dismissed easily.

[My soapbox on this is that this reads like the very, very typical overpowered new warrior reminiscent of countless of DBZ episodes and some such. And he simply appears out of nowhere to boot. Whatever happened to subtlety? Whatever happened to segueing the new villain by means of either buildup or delving deep into his motivations, instead of cliche one-liners that has been done and overdone? Whatever happened to making his thoughts unknown to the reader so that he'd come out sinister and threatening, instead of giving him lines like 'I am a God. I will conquer the Universe! You are helpless against my power! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!' that makes the reader roll his eyes?]

But as far as the family's reaction to this powerful new being is concerned, I buy it. The babies are in danger, and they're helpless against the said danger. it's understandable for them to react the way they react. But reader reaction is another thing altogether. I'm talking about a reader's reaction to the kind of threat the entity possesses. It's not necessarily wrong or avoidable in an intro, but this reads a bit too cliche and hackneyed.

Thanks to you, Lina Inverse, the world will be mine. And,

even though none of you asked, I might as well tell you. You can call me
Zoa. Your God."


(wince) Good lord, and this very cliche line just justified my suspicions. -_-

"God my ass!" Anya cried. Drawing her sword, she started to chant a
spell.


Intentional or unintentional, Anya's one-liner reflected this reader's disbelief. (marks out) That is so cool! Kick his ass, Anya!

Author Avatar vs. Author Avatar... Who will win? :P (Just kidding. You've developed Anya through the course of your stories enough for me to not consider her as just another AA. In other words, she had been fleshed out well enough to stand toe-to-toe with more established characters like her parents etc. The new guy, on the other hand, with his sudden 'push' without so much as buildup and some such, and his godawful one-liners to boot....)

"Spirits of air and darkness, spirits of twilight and crimson...."


Lina blanched. "No! Anya, don't do it! Don't cast Golden Blade!"


Anya: (blinks) Okay.

Lina: (nods) Good girl. Let mommy do this. (chants) "Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows..."

Anya: HEY! No fair! If I can't cast my deux ex machina, then you can't cast yours either! MOOOOOM~!

Anya pointed her sword at the creature. "GOL--" At that moment, Anya
felt her throat gripped as if my invisible hands, and more invisible
hands were running themselves all over her body, squeezing and pinching
in excruciatingly painful ways.


Anya: Grrrr... PERVERT! (the power of an anime female wronged wins out against Zoa's S&M deux ex machinations) GOLDEN BLADE!

:"Enough." said Zoa and gestured with his hand. Suddenly Anya was


Get rid of the colon before "Enough." Oh, and it should be:

"Enough," said Zoa and...

Since 'said' is a speech indicator for the command, "Enough."

utterly unable to speak or move. "When you learn to cast the spell
without speaking or moving, try again. But, as a consolation, i will do


...consolation, I will do

you one favor." Holding out his hand, he watched as the energy that was
surrounding Anya discharged into it.


Zoa: (blinks) Why did I just do that? I could have killed any possible resistance to my rule! Grrrr. (hits his head over a nearby wall) Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid...

"You can go to Hell,' Anya spat out in reply, "Special delivery,
courtesy of me."


The... sheer volume of one-liners amazes me. Granted, the source material (Slayers manga _and_ anime) has its good share of one-liners, but still... Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather have plot developments and smart/tongue-in-cheek/witty comedy/parodies over one-liners in narrative prose and character dialogue any day.

Zoa said nothing.


Zoa: (shrug) We've filled in our quota of cliches for today. No need to ruin it with my villainous laugh. (nods sagely)

...thank God! Kudos to you, fic.

Valgaav would have actually been more comfortable if

it had laughed, cursed Anya back, displayed some emotion - any emotion,


Save for his typical (and lame) catchphrase, (and I paraphrase) "ph43r m3! I 4|\/| teh G4wd! I 4|\/| teh 3v1l," I believe your setup for the emotionless Zoa brings authenticity to the supposed threat he poses. It's a manifestation of my suggestion to make the villain less sentient and more aloof to the reader so that he'd be more threatening; he'd be more of a 'force of nature' than just a villain with catchphrases. A force of nature is far more scarier (redundant, I know, but work with me here) than the typical gothic, maniacal and megalomaniac villain any day.

Valgaav helped Anya to her feet. "I don't understand. That Zoa, or
whatever it was, had enormous power. It took everything we threw at it
and didn't flinch.


Suggest: and didn't even flinch. (just a suggestion and not a correction in any way)

Not even Beastmaster Xellas was that strong. What

could something like that possibly want with human babies, even the
children of a powerful sorceress?"


Nitpick: In a screenplay or an anime... and, to some extent, even comics... this type of dialogue, monologue-like as it may sound, is quite effective in developing the plot along. But screenplays, comics, and anime are visual mediums that don't have the advantages that written prose has. Quoting DB in a recent reply to my C&C, "The advantage literature has over visual mediums is the ability to bestow knowledge without slowing things down like it would a movie."

Simply put, my suggestion is to put these (rather rhetorical) questions in the prose or in Valgaav's thoughts. If you _really_ have to put it in dialogue, then suggest making use of the strengths of dialogue (i.e. two way communication) and have Valgaav and Anya discuss and ponder on those things a bit more.

"Primal force?" Anya asked.


(applauds) Yay. And so Zoa follows the 'force of nature' development to his character. Me glad. Me very glad. ^^

"Then Zoa - is the Lord of Nightmares."


That certainly bears some thought.

Gourry shook his head. "No, he's not. Even I can tell that. The Lord of
Nightmares never directly intervenes on Earth. Never. She always uses
surrogates and agents, and none of those agents have ever applied this
kind of power. I sometimes think she's even used us for her own purposes."


Lord of Nightmares: I'm manipulative, like Fate and Karma.

Fate (B&C): (sticks out tongue)

Karma: (gives LoN the finger)

Lina shook her head. "As long as this primal Force


Suggest: (title case) Primal Force

is interfering, I'll

only be able to cast the simplest of magic. And I can't even move my own
damn legs! What the hell am I going to do? How the hell am i going to
get back my babies."


(blinks) So Lina needs to stand up and do weird poses when casting Dragon Slave/Giga Slave? I thought making her mute would be a much more effective disability than making her lame. Does she need the leverage of a vertical base for her spells to work?

Anya walked over to her mother and took her hand."Mother, send me.


hand. "Mother,

Please. Let me get them back for you."


"I can't. That thing's too powerful for you to handle. You don't have a
chance."


Penny (Slayers Demiurge): As a fellow fic daughter of Lina Inverse, I'm sure you won't stand for that.

Anya: Hell no, I won't! (high fives Penny)

"Anya, i can't let you do this. Not now, not alone."


"Anya, I can't..."

Anya shook her head. "This isn't your fight, Valgaav. They aren;t your


They aren't your

"I'd go." Anya said. "Without hesitation. Just like you."


Anya: I'm a good girl, I am.

Zoa: (ponders) That leaves me with infinite possibilities of exploitation. (sneers) Eeeexcellent.

"We'll find a clue," Anya said, "I think Zoa wants us to track him down.
He had a reason for taking on all of us, I just don't know what it is.
When we find it, he's mine."


Zoa: Puh. I got Anya Inverse hook, line, and sinker. The Lord of Nightmares has nothing on me.

That's also vaguely cliche, y'know.

Zoa: Don't knock a fic down during the intro. There's still more to come.

Lina smiled. "No. Nothing can stop them now. No force on Heaven or
Earth. Our daughter is just like us after all. No matter what the odds
against her are, she will win. And L-sama have mercy on anyone who gets
in her way!"


TO BE CONTINUED

Good intro. Not an "OMG, I love it! More!" intro, but it's a good intro nonetheless. The explanations were scant, but that's how an intro should be; something that teases and entices the reader to read more. My two major complaints on it is its vagueness and the way it doesn't take full advantage of the medium it's in (fiction and prose). Though you're most probably well-versed in Slayers lore and canon, probably even going as far as to read its manga or completing the mediocre Slayers Try (I'm assuming), I believe you're taking in too much into the source material, when you should instead take advantage of the power of the written word. Let me explain...

As a work of fiction, a writer can easily delve into the backgrounds, thoughts and motivations of the characters without slowing the plot down, unlike with its more visual counterparts. Something as subtle as a frown in anime just doesn't have the same impact as writing, "Then Anya frowned" in prose. Peppering it with insights of Anya, her reactions, her motivations, the way her actions affect others, how others react, their motivations, etc. make for a more fleshed out premise. Though a picture paint a thousand words, but with prose you can specify and clarify what you're communicating.

As for the protagonist: Anya may, at the surface, read quite typically like all her other 'author avatar' predecessors, but at this point I don't see Anya as an 'author avatar' anymore. Granted, she has seemingly become Lina Inverse Jr. with her ability to summon her own deux ex machina power Golden Blade, but she's just all about that. You've fleshed her out, shown her weaknesses and strengths in the previous works she's in. She has her own stubborn streak and the folly of youth. Still typical, but at the very least she's honest and true to her character, and her impertinence, if anything else, deserves a bit of admiration at the very least. She's a growing character that's developing her personality, and that's what important to me as a reader to see.

As for the antagonist: Push Zoa more in terms of characterization and impact to the fic, but do it subtly. I know you probably have a set outline for your fic, but my suggestions for Zoa's presentation would be: a.) Well characterized villain with his own motivations, weaknesses and whatnot in ruling the world and using the twins for his own machinations; b.) Even though the "destroy the world, rule over the ruins" has been done and overdone, it is admittedly quite apt for ol' Zoa; c.) Make Zoa into a force of nature instead of a one-liner spitting villain, so that he'd be more ominous and seemingly invincible without being annoying; d.) Make Zoa into the catalyst that would bring into stark contrast the good, the bad, and the ugly of Anya and Valgaav.

Bottom line: Good intro. In general, this is not a bad intro. Then again, it's not a great intro, either. Right now, it reads like a framework or a storyboard, and not quite like an actual story. Think of what you have written here as a skeleton. Now that you've got the shape, you want to go back over it and flesh it out with details, and just generally polish/refine it.

Suggested readings: Twoflower's Slayers fics (all of 'em... particularly his highly experimental Slayer's Demiurge), if you haven't yet. They're quite entertaining in their own right. ^-^ It can also show you, IMO, a thing or two about fleshing out concepts. OTOH, if you want to go your own way and develop your own style by the virtue of your own creativity and drive to write, I'm all for that as well.

In any case, ignore my sweet-and-sour comments if you'd like. If you want to make use of only the sweet and not the sour, you're welcome to do so. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you found my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's the best solution to vague concepts and kinda-sorta cliche villains and heroines: actual experience of what a better story constitutes. And do keep on C&Cing, so you could spread the love. That's my two cents. Abdiel out.