Dexter: At last, it is COMPLETED! MWAHAHAHA!!!

Anyways, here you go, pal. Public C&C.


		
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Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

So my next victim iiiis... yet again someone who I've victimized in the past. :P

Nugar wrote:

   The last chapter of Aurora of Rainbow Fire, for those who haven't 
seen it.  This is how I wanted to end the series, and is easily the best 
chapter.  Comments welcome.  I'm now working on the sequel, Vice Verse 
Chorus Verse, which should be a fairly fun, standard badguy of the month 
kind of story, rather like one of the movies.

I'd love to see what you can add to it so it won't be so typical. ^_^ Oh, and my knowledge of the Tenchi Muyo franchise is sadly limited to the original series (dubbed in my native tongue) and the love-hate-series of the fans, Shin Tenchi Muyo (also a dub). So... there. It's always fun to C&C your fics. If I go onto ranting mode again, I'll leave it to you to decide whether you agree with my conclusions or not. Grain of salt, blah, blah, blah, all in my opinion, etc. etc. ;)

...Just realized something just now. Oh my God, this is ninety-one pages on the word processor! Damn, this is long... Well, probably not as long as Angus MacSpon's Sailor Moon fic, but it's close enough! O_O Hope I can get through this fairly epic fic. ^^; I sincerely hope you that (despite you're reassurances that this is better than the last fic I C&Ced off of you, and that one I liked) this fic doesn't set off my ranting mode, or else the length of this C&C will literally double. ^^;; (shakes head)

	"Well, that's it, then," Kiyone said, looking around the 
apartment and slinging one final bag over her shoulders.

	"We're finished here?" Mihoshi asked, also carrying several 
bags.

	"Yes.  Let us go."

Saw Leisure Suit Larry (PS2 game) at a friend's house a few months back. How is this comment in any way related to this scene? W-ell, your tribal man with the footlong reminds me of the black version of a guy in a vomit-inducing thong. Yeah, it's not a valid criticism, but it is a comment. :P I'm not exactly helping on the length problem (of the C&C, not your tribal man), but still....

Even the powerful 

empire of Jurai would hesitate to go against the official 
policies of the GP.

You have an impressive setup and nice flow of prose in that paragraph. There's also a great balance in the use of big and small words to convey a meaning of grandeur. Excellent intro.

	The thing that made Sasami coo in awe was the nature of the 
construction, because it was assembled.  Jurians

This fic is ninety-one pages, give or take a page, so it'd probably be hell to revise, but doesn't fandom usually spell "Jurians" as "Juraians" (hence, people of 'Jurai')? Correct me if I'm wrong.

	"Well, you've been stuck on Earth for about five or six 
months," Kiyone reminded her.  "Be thankful we got this 
assignment.  Escorting Sasami around is way better than busting 
small time crooks out in the middle of nowhere."

footlong man: (blinks)

Kiyone: (pats, purrs) Way batter than _busting small time crooks_, not way better than you.

footlong man: (tilts head)

	"Maintenance, Mihoshi, maintenance.  Yagami needs a refit 
and restock, not to mention fuel."  Inwardly, Kiyone exulted.  (I 
get to escort a Jurian princess around!  And Detective-Sergeant 
asked to see me!  I just know there's going to be some sort of 
political intrigue going on, maybe a kidnapping threat!  If I can 
do this job properly, my promotion is in the bag!)

Sounds a lot like her.

	Kiyone bit her tongue to keep from lashing out at the snide 
little bitch, then abruptly relaxed.  She had an Idea with a 
capital I.  "Oh, the same thing that caused us to be assigned to 
Earth in the first place," she said casually.

	Mitzuki took the bait.  "So, what was that?"

Hook, line, and sinker to both Mitzuki and the reader. :)

	"Think about it.  Even the Emperor shows up at least once a 
month, with yet another story claiming 'proof' of his sexual 
preference, one way or the other."  She paused, then decided to 
answer her own question.  "The two crown princesses, that's who, 
silly," she said in the same tone one would use to address a 
moronic child.  

Quite catty, isn't she? In any case, the newest (presumably) one shot character is serving her purposes well to liven up the plot and make things interesting. This is exactly the type of dialogue pattern that made your Tenchi-Ryoko-Ayeka chapter stand out in terms of points of interest. ^^

	And both, as they parted ways, had the exact same opinion 
of each other.  

	(Stuck-up bitch!)

Heh.

	Before entering the Detective-Sergeant's office Kiyone took 
a small detour to the restroom to 'freshen up'.

Suggest: (though I myself am not all that keen on how commas are supposed to be used) Before entering the Detective-Sergeant's office, Kiyone...

	"Thank you, Sir."  She bowed and took a seat in front of 
his desk, hiding her disappointment over having had her name 
looked up.  She wasn't even important enough to remember when he 
had a meeting scheduled with her.

<<snip>>

	"That is correct, sir."  She nodded.

Er... A paragraph before this paragraph had Kiyone using 'Sir' (big letter s), then she uses 'sir' (small letter s) here. Why is that? Why is there a seeming inconsistency of capitalization here?

	"I had hoped so, sir.  Neither my partner or I wish to

Neither my partner nor I wish to

	"Yes," he replied dryly, bringing up a report.  "As it says 
here in Princess Sasami's own words," and here he dropped his 
voice into a passable imitation of a little girl's voice,

lol. Reminds me of the Galaxy Angel chief for some reason...
 

"'They're _sooo_ funny, I love to watch them try to catch the bad 
guys.  Even Ryoko,' that's the dread space pirate Ryoko who has 
yet to be captured, as you well know, 'says that they're more fun 
to watch than 'Galaxy Police in Black'.'," he said, referring to 
a popular and long running show that portrayed the Galaxy Police 
as bumbling, incompetent idiots who nevertheless managed to save 
the day, at least until the next episode.

Heheheheh. Sounds about right.

DB: (nods sagely) 

that we accommodate the two princesses' wishes.  Who are we do 

Revise: Who are we to

	Kiyone brightened.  "Of course, Sir, you can count on us, 
Sir.  And Sir, um, could you maybe review my request for a new 
partner?"

That sounds about right too. ^_^

	"The Princess Sasami?!" the man hissed into the audio only 
communications gear.  "Here?  Now?"  He paused, listening 
carefully to the rest of the information.  "Yes.  The agreed on 
price?  Excellent.  I'll get right on it."

Well, I should have seen this one coming...

	"That sounds like fun, I've never been here before.  It's 
very big, for a made place."  Sasami toed the hard metal floor. 

'Sorry for not being able to grow our own buildings,' Kiyone thought caustically.

	"They repainted it!" Kiyone exclaimed delightedly, staring 
at her now gleaming red ship.

	"And the equipment restocked, the combat suits replaced, 
supplies replenished, air recyclers upgraded, the engines 
replaced..." Mihoshi added, glancing up from where she was 
leafing through a report they had picked up at the dock office.

	"They repainted it!" Kiyone exclaimed, grabbing Sasami and 
pointing at the ship in case she had missed it.

Hah! You're right. Though you've been really selling the idea (in your opinion) that this chapter is the best one in the series, I'm beginning to agree as I read on. This may as well be the best chapter of the series. (I'm not sure though, I haven't as of yet read the earlier chapters beyond what I've C&Ced... yet. ;)

I'm a sucker for good characterizations and show not tell that's done exquisitely well, and IMO the above three paragraphs has all that. Kiyone fixated on the repaint, Mihoshi surprisingly enumerating the details such that _she's_ the voice of reason for a change... characterization gold. ^_^

	A huge ball of fire and flying debris exploded out from 
where the newly installed engines were a second previous.

	"MY BABY!" Kiyone screeched.	

Oh, shit. And it was repainted too.

Kiyone: YOU! SHUT UP! (runs toward Yagami) Don't worry, mommy's here!

	It was like watching the death of a puppy.

Kiyone: WAAAAHHHH!!!

	What really disturbed the Juraian princess

AHA! There we go. So Mr. Author, pick: Juraian or Jurian? :)

was Kiyone's 

reaction to the incident.  Although she seemed shocked at first, 
soon she started to grin unaccountably as she badgered and 
threatened the harassed dock master for the details.

Grinning? O_o She may be losing it.

	"So, what do we do now?" Mihoshi asked.  They all sat at a 
table in one of the better cafeterias they liked to frequent in 
the lowest residential level.	 She nibbled idly at a plate of 
unidentifiable bits of meat and vegetables covered in brown sauce.

I believe the "She nibbled..." line is supposed to be a separate paragraph from "...lowest residential level."

moved to last in line and they practically have to rebuild the 
entire aft section from scratch.  We can probably requisition 
another patrol ship."

(blinks) She's strangely complacent after crying about her baby.

Kiyone: Shush. There'll be more plot developments below.

	Sasami nodded silently, eating her own beefbowl.

I think it's supposed to be 'beef bowl'.

	Oh, sure, it was entirely possible that the timing between 
her ship spontaneously developing suicidal tendencies and her 
assignment to escort the youngest Juraian Princess was 
coincidental, but not very likely.  This was intragalactic 
politics, where one being's decision not to have coffee one 
morning was the result of an action on the part of some super-
secret organization controlled by a government halfway across the 
spiral arm.

Aaaaaahhh. So that's why she's grinning. She got her wish... This is now the police drama she longs for. It'd be quite the twist if she's actually wrong and it wasn't the case at all, but I'll stay tuned to find out.

	Any way she looked at it, all the facts pointed to one 
simple conclusion.
	Some agency had an unwholesome interest in Sasami.

Put a line space in between the "Some agency..." sentence and the "...simple conclusion." sentence. 

	He sighed, her eagerness was so blindingly obvious.  "And 
Detective?"

	"Yes, Sir?"

	"When you leave at once,"

	"Sir?"

	"Be sure you take the Princess with you."

	"Sir!"  Now what did he mean by that?

Heh. I love your characterization of Kiyone. And to think, I was led to believe that only when she's with Mihoshi does interesting characterization comes out from her.

	She dusted her hands off and made a mental note to direct 
Mihoshi to the nearest laundromat later.

I believe 'laundromat' should be capitalized (Laundromat)

	As it turned out, there was one right around the corner, 
its cheerful primary colors advertising the presence of free 
water, pure ethanol, and hydrochloric acid from fountains.  They 
checked carefully before they drank.  Sometimes practical jokers 
were known to switch the signs around.

Damn. ^^; That's a fuckup.

	The air filled with an awful groaning that seemed to come 

>from the depths of some great hell, perhaps from the Great 

Sleeping One himself.  Passerbys

I'm fairly sure that that's not the plural form of 'passerby', but MS Word doesn't suggest a lot of plural alternatives. Let's just pass it off as creative license and call it a day. (whistles)

	"Don't.  Move." Kiyone hissed in a whisper at her friend.  
"Don't talk, don't nod, and if you have to breathe, for our sakes 
do it slowly!"

	"Okay!" Mihoshi replied quickly, nodding.

	The air filled with the hiss of indrawn breath...  But the 
moment passed.

LOL

	"It's not my fault!" she whined in a dreadful, low whisper, 
not even wiping at the tears coursing down her cheek for fear she 
would move the suitcase slightly.  "I didn't pack it!"

	Kiyone took one slow, sliding step away from her partner 
and whistled innocently.

	"Kiyone!" Mihoshi whimpered.

XD I'm sorry, I've been weaned off fics featuring Mihoshi doing dumb things that somehow get Kiyone get into trouble that seeing the reversal of roles in an in-character manner is a rather nice change of pace.

<<snip more random comedic moments as the bomb continued to... I dunno, power up a la SSJ? XD>>

	The already-twisted-beyond-hope-of-repair latches chose 
that moment to let go, allowing the lid to fall open and disgorge 
a small mountain of frilly pink things, fluffy white things, lacy 
red things, and one long, battery-operated naughty purple thing 
which fell out squirming and vibrating across the floor. 

Hehehehehe. Oh, it's a bomb, all right. And look, there goes the missile.

Mihoshi: Meanie! T_T

	Nearby, two young aliens strolled casually towards their 
next assignment.  This wasn't an undercover assignment, nor did 
it involve assassination, razzle-dazzle, or political intrigue.  

Kiyone: (pouts) Then why talk about it, fic?! Mataku....

piercings, a nosering and three earrings in his left ear, his 
large, gaudy necklace, and his loose black pseudoleather clothes.

Suggest: nose ring, pseudo-leather

any royalty trying to travel incognito, even if we are going to 
the Forest Ring, first.  Nobles have their own ships, you moron."

Must be their lucky day, then.

Kiyone: Pffft. Like anyone cares. Boooring. C'mon fic... Let's get back to where the excitement is... Shift scene to me and the gang!

Mihoshi: Er, excitement? We were waiting here for thirty minutes because the flight's delayed, right? Kiyone?

Kiyone: Oh, shut up!

	"All-right!" his girlfriend enthused.  "You go, boy.  Unh 
huh, unh huh."

Kiyone: HEY! Who are these clowns anyway? And why are they having sex in the middle of a conversation?

Mihoshi: Eeee! (covers Sasami's eyes)

	He shrugged and dropped their bag on the floor, but as she 
watched he made a V with each hand using the index and middle 
fingers.  Then he glanced at the two women and subtly placed his 
hands together, interlocking the fingers so that the skin between 
them on both hands ground together in a series of twists.

	Ura broke up laughing and punched him in the arm.  
"Amarabaaa," she drawled between giggles, "knock it off."

Kiyone: ....

Mihoshi: (blushies)

Sasami: What does that mean? Ne, Kiyone? Ne, Mihoshi? 

	He jumped back up with a hasty series of apologies, and not 
all of them were to the man he had just fell into.  He quickly 
grabbed his duffle bag and moved over to stand close to Ura, who 
was giving him one of her better glare-of-death's,

Suggest: glares-of-death (plural)

	"So long as you don't try to feel a cop," she replied 
nastily.

	"Um, Ura, I think you mean 'cop a feel'," he hazarded. 

Mihoshi: Oh! Oh! I get it! (gigglies)

Kiyone: (crinkles her nose in distaste)

	He didn't think about the fact that he, too, had a blue 
duffle bag with grey trim.

I wonder what sort of interesting plot points will eventually ensue. (ponders)

	"Unh huh," Mihoshi replied, pulling out the shirt she had 
been looking for.  "Unless he has a wild side I didn't see in 
public," she continued, holding up a pair of red panties 
purchased on Earth.

Ah. So Amaraba's bag is with the pissed off guy, eh?

	Sungi sighed as he carefully placed his own duffle bag on 
the far side of his large, plush bed.  Standard operating 
proceedures

procedures

	Mihoshi, who had been rudely dismissed as someone not 
important enough to notice, saw Sasami's deepening frown.  
Although she didn't understand why her charge was unhappy, she 
quickly realized who was causing it.  "Excuse me," she began in 
her most authoritative voice, "but Princess Sasami will not be 
taking part in any public ceremonies."

	"blu nuhg...What?" Kodachi said as her tongue stumbled to a 
halt.  She tried to get a grip on this unpleasant new concept.

Heh. Mihoshi's the only person who's brave and unintentionally irreverent enough to not realize she's addressing a noble.

	"Sasami is under my protection," Mihoshi stated firmly.  
"And I have been given orders to deliver her to her family 
estates on Jurai, quietly.  We are traveling incogkneetoe."

Yeah. That sounds about right as well.

	The crowd broke into a cheer and happily trailed behind as 
she marched off to the ship's bar, intending to get very very 

Suggest: Adding a comma after the first 'very'.

	Sasami took one good look at the pair of Katsuhito's 
glasses Mihoshi held in her hand and hit the floor with a groan.  
"Yes, Mihoshi," she replied with a kind of resigned tolerance as 
she climbed to her feet.  "Those are Grandfather Masaki's 
spectacles, glasses, whatever you call them."

	"Silica-based head-mounted optical magnification lenses?" 
Mihoshi supplied brightly.

Innocent, bubble-headed but nice and well-meaning Mihoshi sans the usual flat and hackneyed characterization... Check. :)

	The princess slowed and turned around, still walking, 
though backward.  "It's okay!  I don't need someone around all 
the time, you go go on ahead.

Repetition of 'go'

	"There you go, Miss," the robot announced, its optical 
sensors suddenly focused on the way Mihoshi's shirt strained to 
keep her natural bounty in check  as

Extra space in between 'check' and 'as'.

	Mihoshi giggled again, although she already had a spoonful 
of ice cream and rootbeer in her mouth, with another on the way.  
"You're really funny, Mr. Robot," she said, wiping her mouth with 
a napkin he thoughtfully handed her.

Robot: Just please don't say 'thank you' to me in the Earthian Language of Japanese.

Mihoshi: Why...?

Robot: Just... don't.

	"I'm Mihoshi!" she declared between bites.
	"Of course you are," he replied politely.  "So, ever 
traveled on a Seru ship before?"

Add a line space in between the "I'm Mihoshi!" sentence and "Of course you are" sentence.

arriving, except for the scientist Washu, who had really been 
there the whole time," she inhaled a portion of rootbeer and 

Oh, I forgot. Suggest: root beer or Root Beer

crunched a few sprinkles, "and we all made friends, and then 
there was all this sex with Tenchi, oh, no, that makes it seem 
like I had sex with him-doesn't it sound like I had sex with him 
to you?  Well I didn't,

Nice run-on sentence on Mihoshi's part. ^^

	"Ice cream headache," the robot commented blankly, his 
circuits momentarily overloaded.  "I see them all the time."
	
	"Gahhhh!" Mihoshi replied cleverly.
	
	"Yeah, me, too," he replied.

Suggest: "Yeah, me too," or "Yeah... me too," if the pause after each word isn't intentional.

Brain freeze, I suppose.

Robot: Hah. Brain Antartica, you mean.

	A snowfield of white powder greeted their eyes as the false 
bottom peeled back.

	"What's all this white shit?" Ura demanded.

Uh oh.

	"That weird lesbian chick must have been a drugrunner!  And 

Suggest: drug runner or Drug Runner or drug dealer

we've got her shit!"
	Ura paled.  The people who transported drugs across the 

Missing a line space in between "...we've got her shit!" and "Ura paled." Also, I have a feeling that the classic Takahashi-like misunderstanding will soon take place.

	"We're dead, ain't we?" 

	Amaraba gulped and nodded.  "I'd say we pack it and haul 
ass, but..."

Well, somebody else has their asses marked...

	"Hey, hey, calm down."  He struggled to sit up and wrap his 
arms around her.  "We're smart, we can figure out somethin' to 
get outta this," he said consolingly.

	Ura's response was to burst into tears once more.  "We're 
gonna die!"

Heh. And here, even the secondary characters have their moments.

	"Sorry, geeze.  

Suggest: "Sorry, jeez.

Kiyone: Waaaaiiit... Where the hell am I? ?_? Why am I not in the scene?! I'm the show-stealer!

She'd thought he was fast when he had made her own 

rootbeer float, but he had apparently been taking his time.

It's near impossible to a non-robot, even.

	"Thanks," he replied modestly as he built a chocolate, 
coconut, and rosesap milkshake.

Suggest: rose-sap

<<snip robotic foreplay>>>

You're quite right about what you said in the previous C&C. What people consider as filler chapter fluff is what you revel on using in your fics... and with great effectiveness, too. 

Mihoshi: (nods eagerly)

The fic's filler fluff, I mean.

Mihoshi: Yeahsurethat'snicetoknowbye! (zips past to her attend to her... machinations)

to spot the maid with the laundry cart, whistling an impressive 
two-part harmony.

Ah, it's the subtle things that make a fic great, like an "innocent" maid with a laundry cart whistling an opus...

	Ura sagged bonelessly against

Er, Word doesn't think 'bonelessly' is an adverb. Care to prove otherwise?

	"Mobile lookout post," he replied with a grin.  "We stay in 
here and peek over the top until she leaves and the cost is 

coast is

	"Uhhh, uhh, what does it look like?" Amaraba replied, 
struggling to slide forward and sit up, which caused Ura to eep 
in response.  They both turned to see Kiyone's stern face looking 
down at them, not a trace of amusement on her features.

Kiyone: About time I got back into the scene.

	"Well, if you two are so insistent on being in the laundry 
room, why don't you get out and GO to the laundry room?  The rest 
of us don't want a public sex show, and if we did, we'd go to the 
recreation room.  Now get out of here, and don't let me catch you 
loitering around here again!" she ordered.

Kiyone: Yay! Go me! I'm the one who's going to make or break this fic. (nods sagely)
	

	Kiyone had been wandering the corridors for much of the 
past three hours, having skipped dinner, paying particularly 
close attention in the ones running through C branch,

Shouldn't that be: "...close attention to the ones running through the C branch..."?

	Sasami, Second Princess, Jurai Royal Family (verified).
	Passenger 1st Class.
	Cabin 7, C branch.  
	Credit: Unlimited.  
	Current tab: - 14  crd   Refreshment stand G
	             - 673 crd   Game room G
	Total:       - 687 crd
	Currently traveling incognito.  Has requested privacy.

Captain: Errr... 

	Money.  She wanted access to her credit.  But what could 
have such a powerful attraction that Sasami, a responsible young 
lady, would blow her cover in order to have it?  And why was she 
still doing it at...  Kiyone checked the time.  In the middle of 
the night?

Kiyone: I may be on to something there. I'm a bit worried, but I'm sure that I'll solve the police drama soon. I'm such a great detective, after all. (preens)

	"We got the wrong bag."

	She hit him.

Awwww. I was expecting the hijinx between them and the pissed-off man to start real soon, but I guess since Sasami and co. are about to get involved...

Kiyone: Kiyone and co.!

...things are about to get pretty interesting. 

	"Oww!  Hey!" he complained, backing away and fending off 
her blows with his arms.  "Quit it!  Now let me explain.  The 
lesbians must NOT be the drug runners.

Now see there? You're using 'drug runners' when a while ago, you were using 'drugrunners'. Make up your mind, fic... Personally, the former (drug runners) is the way to go.

They're probably just 

boring old salarywomen on a trip."

salary women

	"Hey!  What do you think this is?" Ura said suddenly as she 
uncovered a strangly

strangely

 shaped squishy purple thing.  She picked it 

up and turned it over, looking at it from all angles.  A switch 
on the end was just begging to be used, so she did.  Then dropped 
it as it came alive in her hand.

	"Damn!" Amaraba exclaimed.  "That's one freaky thing!"

<sweat drop> So I guess the natural way of pleasurable mating is the "in" thing among aliens of their breed, eh?

Author: Nah, they're just hopelessly clueless.

	Knowing he couldn't win, he gave up.  "Alright, alright 

Suggest: All right, all right

	Ura grabbed his ears and held his face very close to hers.  
"We just stole a bag from a Galaxy Police officer!  What's worse, 
we just left a bag with fifty pounds of drugs in its place!"  She 
punctuated each word with a shake of his head.  "Our DNA is 
probably on that bag!  GP detectives look for that shit, man!  

Oh. The running gag becomes apparent...

	Amaraba straightened himself up with resolve.  "Well, 
there's only one thing to do.  We've got to get that bag back."

	Ura wanted to cry.

You poor one shot, non-overpowered characters. You guys never get a break.

	"Eight months, Ma'am.  My contract was sold shortly after I 
started working for a dirtside restaurant."  

Suggest: dirt-side

	Kiyone nodded sympathetically.  Contract workers were 
basically indentured servants.  

(nods sympathetically as well)

	The first clothes he pulled out were two miniskirts and a 
slashed up pair of pants.  They obviously didn't belong to him, 
but he pulled out several more, looking for ones that did.

Tsk, tsk. Poor Sungi boy and his role of catalyst/'villain'.

No 

simple cleaning crew had switched it, of that he was sure.  It 
had to have been a professional with expensive equipment.

He overestimates himself a bit, yes?

was just a punk and it was an accident, not that that would keep 
Sungi from slowly and methodically removing all the boy's 

Suggest: all of the boy's

	"Why that sneaky son of a bitch!" he announced to the room 
at large.  He'd been suckered, and suckered good!  Underneath 
that stupid, inane exterior lurked the brilliant mind of an 
experienced professional!  And he had partners.  

Naw, the fates are conspiring with you.

Fate (Batter & Curses): Yes indeed.

	Inside his finger was a small calcium deposit which was 
identical to a sesimoid bone.  It contained a small colony of 
incredibly deadly bacteria, deadly because they secreted a nerve 
toxin lethal to most living organisms.  Sungi had implants which 
made him immune, but the bacteria would already be mixing with 
his blood supply.  They would be quickly destroyed by his 
tailored white blood cells, except for the ones that bonded to 
calcium deposits in his body.  Sungi's bones, teeth, toenails, 
and fingernails were about to become deadly weapons.  One scratch 
would be all it would take to kill the blonde.

Neat-o little trick there, Sungi-boy.

Sungi: stfu, fucker! (scratchies)

Kiyone: Yay! My unintentional police drama is about to come underway! Now if only my fic counterpart could figure things out and fast...

	Kiyone yawned widely as she walked up the hall leading to 
her cabin.  It had been a long, fruitless night.  

Kiyone: HEY! Buck up and don't be a slouch! There are readers reading about you... me... y'know... DAMMIT, DON'T MAKE YOURSELF LOOK BAD IN FRONT OF THE READERS!

	"Hey!  Stop!" she called weakly, her voice getting stronger 
at the end.  Kiyone broke into a run as she attempted to catch up 
to the suspicious pair, but naught but empty hallway greeted her

The 'but naught but empty hallway greeted her' phrase sounds weird, as if you were deciding on whether to use 'but it was all for naught' or 'but the empty hallway greeted her'. Suggest revising.
 

	"Shit shit shit!" Amaraba said succinctly, 

You used succinctly a little early on. Twice is okay, but if you're a stickler on repetition like I am, might I suggest using: briefly, concisely, pithily or in a few words 

	A fat, hairy-chested man with a bald pate slouched on a 
plushy upholstered recliner in front of the screen, a trail of 
drool dripping from his slack lips down to the black satin 
underwire bra he wore on his chest.  

Eeewwww. 

	Ura glanced from him to the fat man, then shook her head.  
"Men.  They never will figure out how to pick matching clothes."

Of course. Cross-dressing men are, in essence, still men after all.

	Strange, he thought with annoyance.  It's this early in the 
morning and no one has come back to sleep.

Robbie the Robot has saved Mihoshi's life, it seems.

Mihoshi: And the sex is great to boot! (gushes)

	Sungi nodded his head sharply.  "So...  You do know about 
the bag."

	"No!" Amaraba cried.  "I mean, we do know, but we didn't 
look under the false bottom or nothing!"

	Sungi and Ura exchanged a glance, then Sungi smacked him 
across the face again.

Sungi: That's for being stupid.

	"Subject K's behavior since the nearly fatal attempt on 
Princess S's life two days ago has been erratic to say the least.  
Throwing herself into her duty with maniac zeal, K has scoured 
every inch of the ship with an atomic microscope, searching for 
any possible threat to the young princess.

Yet K still continued to miss the big picture, in spite of the fact that M wasn't around to bungle things up as usual.

	Robot noticed instantly, of course, and paused his 
ministrations while he turned to look at the intruder.

Ah. So he figured things out. Didn't expect a confrontation so soon, and in front of Robo-Gigolo to boot.

	Through bleary, pain-filled eyes he watched the robot take 
his hand off the naked blonde's back and extend it back in his 
direction blindly, giving him the middle finger.  Then the wrist 
spun, pointing the insulting gesture down, and the entire arm 
swiveled down at the shoulder, swiftly bringing the hand around 
to Mihoshi's bare butt from below, giving the finger right back 
to her.

	"Oooh!" she squealed.

	Sungi groaned.

Well that's an overtly lemon and fanservicey description. I have no words. :)

<<snip Sasami action video game>>

I'm not sure if 'beastess' really is a word, but if it fits, then it fits. FYI though, it's still not recognized as a commonly used dictionary-type word.

	Tokimi snarled at her from the base of the wall, her eyes 
glowing green with rage.

	Sasami giggled.

Tokimi: This is insufferable! INSUFFERABLE!

Dr. Doom: I agree.

Chii: Chii! (insufferably giggles as well)

molten metal had burned through her clothes and were now pressed 
into her skin like sharp metal cockleburrs.

I believe it's supposed to be 'cockleburs' (single 'r').

	"Whoops," Sasami said ruefully, realizing that in her panic 
she had lashed out the only way she could, with her recently 
discovered link to the power of Jurai.  "I guess that's one way 
to beat Tokimi," she added with a nervous giggle.

(sweatdrop) And here I thought Sungi already got there, waiting for his ass to get kicked by a little girl.

	"-you've got to do something.  The captain ordered the 
birds brought in for the guests last meal tomorrow, well, today 
really, but some stupid bastard forgot to order feed for the 
manifests.  Now we've got two dozen very hungry birds who are

birds that are

	Natze, however, stopped by where she had been sitting and 
grabbed her soup toureen.  "No soup for you!"

It's 'soup tureen', I believe. 

*sniff*, so hard..." he sobbed, setting the tureen down and

(blinks) Now it's 'tureen' here. I get the feeling that while you were revising this piece, you forgot a word here and there. ^^;

	Sungi staggered in in a foul mood,

Repetition of 'in'.

	"Partner?" Sungi asked dangerously.  "As in 'Helped her

Nitpick: 'helped (small caps)

	Sungi drew himself up, muscles tense with anticipation.  
"Fine.  You get my bag while I take care of her... partner.  And 
if you try to run, well, just keep in mind that there isn't 
anywhere on this ship I can't find you, and I _will_ make your 
last few hours as painful as possible should you give me any 
trouble."

	They gulped and nodded.

They're _stuck_ in the ship, but earlier on there was talk about the time of day? (blinks) Was the flight cancelled or are they in space?  Is there night or day in the non-solar-system parts of space? Are they even moving? If they're not moving, how are these two idiots stuck _in_ the ship? (generally confused) ?_?

cabin door.  Amaraba turned to watch the hall while Ura used her 
passcard and universal code to open the door.

Nitpick again: revise 'passcard' to 'pass card' or 'pass-card'

	"But..." he replied, confused.  "I thought..."  He 
hesitated.  "We want them to know so they can save our asses?  Mr. 
Short-temper is gonna kill us when we get back, you know."

	Ura's brow wrinkled.  "He'll let us go if we do this 
right...  Won't he?" she asked plaintively.

Tsk, tsk. It's the 'The Lady or the Tiger' type of choice. Or the 'Am I fat?' question. There's no right or sure answer.

	They both turned and looked at the bed, which at first 
glance, all they had spared, had been piled high with pillows and 
blankets.  Now there was a green-haired woman sitting up in it 
and rubbing her eyes, a bra dangling from its strap at her left 
elbow.  Even as they watched, the sheet slipped down, revealing 
her nude breasts.  

M-well, of course she'd be there. If they have to bungle, they might as well bungle spectacularly. It's the last chapter, after all. The extra fanservice works well with me as well. ^^

Kiyone called from behind them, running as 

hard as she could.  Low growling sounds came from deep in her 
throat.

	Ura risked a glance back.  "Shit!  She's gaining on us!"

	"Run faster!" Amaraba replied, putting on a small burst of 
speed.

	"I am running faster, asshole!"

I'm getting a visual of this whole scene, anime version and in (as Animax would say) in original Japanese with subtitles. Kudos. ^^

	"No way, Babe.  That's the first place she gonna look.

she's gonna look.

	"Nice toga.  You two know each other?"

	"Sheet."

	"You shouldn't curse, Kiyone, that's not nice."

Hehehe. Let it be known that there _are_ times when childish puns and the believability of Japanese people understanding English curse words matter not to me. Fun Factor and comedic timing... Those are the things that lift the spirits high enough for a person to not nitpick on a funny moment. ^_^

	"There you are!" Kiyone cried.  "STOP RIGHT THERE!"

	"Sheet!" Amaraba replied, grinning.

	Ura bapped him in the back of the head.  "Run."

Suggest: Ura bopped him at the back (revisions on 'bapped' and 'in' respectively)

casual passenger, however, and Amaraba ran smack into them.  
Grumbling in annoyance and fright, 

How does one grumble in fright? 

	"I'm sorry, Sasami, but we did not receive any fresh 
seafood for this journey," the man said.

	The little girl sighed.  "Well, okay, but this recipe won't 
be as good as when everything is fresh.  Anyway, you start-"

^^; Er, sounds about right... with Sasami's natural affinity with domicile endeavors.

	Sweat broke out on Amaraba's brow.  There was no way he was 
going to escape this time.  He HAD to find a place to hide the 
bag.  Then, his words to the chef came back to him.  The drug did 
kind of look like salt, if you weren't looking too closely...  

This isn't going to end well.

Motoko (of Love Hina Dating Sim fame): WOOHOO! I'd love to get entrees from _that_ kitchen! ^___^ 

	Sungi's search for the blonde's green-haired partner was a 
fruitless one.

It's either bad luck or in the part of a usually professional Sungi, temporary incompetence on this particular mission, or Sungi really is as much of a bungler as Ura and co. are.

	"I don't know what's going on," Kiyone admitted to Mihoshi 
in between mouthfulls.

mouthfuls

	"Why?" Robot asked, genuinely confused.  He pulled on his 
funnel-shaped ears in consternation as he watched them eat.  

Kiyone: It's because I like long bars of chocolate better. (waxing nostalgic)

Robot: what

	Both Kiyone and Sungi leaped to their feet simultaneously, 
never breaking eye contact.  However, Sungi blinked first, right 
after Kiyone pulled out her gun and leveled it at him.

	Metal plates, utensils, and food flew into the air in an 
instant when Sungi suddenly banged his fists on the table and 
dove for cover, quickly running for the archway into the hall.  

	Hesitant to fire for fear of hitting someone, Kiyone had 
little choice but to run after him.

	"Kiyone!" Mihoshi called, brandishing a crescent roll in a 
threatening manner.  "I'm right behind you!"  Mihoshi quickly 
joined the chase, lamenting her late start.

Awww. And I was expecting Sungi's comeuppance to be something ironic, accidental, and/or subtle and not so direct. But I'm getting ahead of myself... Let's see what you had in mind, fic. 

"People sure are frisky today," he commented.  

	Ura had to agree.

You'd expect anything less from a Nugar fic? Even Kiyone gets some play in this series.

Kiyone: HEY! What's that s'pposed ta mean?!

	"Excuse me, but haven't you humans noticed that everyone on 
the ship is freaking out?" he asked mildly.

	They exchanged glances.  Ura shrugged.  Amaraba shook his 
head.

(shakes head too) Though I have noticed what she noticed about people being frisky, I've waved that off as 'business as usual' in a Nugar fic. (blinks) Were those people having the "We're gonna die, so let's make the most out of what time we have left" sex? 

	"I don't know, but Captain Kodachi thinks that she is a 
seal!  She's supposed to be flying the ship!  We're on a 
collision course with the Forest Ring!"

(blinks) Waaaaaiiiit... What? (rereads) Ooooooohhhhh...

Motoko (of Love Hina Dating Sim fame): I'm all doped up! ~v@ (eats some more of the salmon in the restaurant)

	Amaraba abruptly started laughing.  "Bad salmon!  Hah!  Man, 
am I relieved.  I thought it was drugs in the food, you know?  
Could you imagine what would happen if someone replaced all the 
salt in the canisters with an unknown drug that looked a lot like 
salt, and then people came along and started putting it in the 
food?  Man, that would be funny."  His chuckles subsided into 
quiet giggles.

Awww... silly, silly Amaraba and his expositional prose. Let the readers figure things out by themselves, that's where half of the fun lies! :P

Sasami: Well, ano... this isn't really a detective story...

Kiyone: (doped up) But it can be! I'll play the role of the stripper! (looks for a pole)

	They both slowly looked down at their plates, mentally 
counting how many bites they had taken.

	"Cool..." Amaraba breathed. 

Amaraba: (takes another bite for good measure)
	

	Amaraba punched her hard in the stomach, causing her to 
double over and throw up everything she'd eaten.

	"Eww!" Sasami complained.

	Robot bobbed his head, impressed.  "Wow, that's the most 
perfect example of linear thinking I've ever seen in an organic 
being."

Yusuke (YYH): (impressed)

	"Oh, just wait and see the masterpiece that is my plan," 
Amaraba assured him.  He turned to his girlfriend.  "Babe?  Are 
you alright?"

Suggest: all right?"

	Ura coughed several times, wiping chunky bits from her 
mouth with her fingers before glaring up at him through her hair.  
"No, you ASSHOLE!  I am not alright!" she cried, delivering an 
underhand blow to his stomach with all her might as she 
straightened up.

	Amaraba grunted in pain, twisted to the side, and politely 
threw up.

Yusuke (YYH): (applauds)

	"Oooh," Robot murmured appreciatively.  "Cause AND effect.  
Not bad, for a human."

Merovingian: (nods sagely)

	Both men on the floor screamed in unison, their relatively 
lucid trips violently disrupted.

Amaraba: Yeah, I'm a buzz kill. ^^

Screaming in terror, they 

rolled into each other, recoiled violently, stumbled to their 
feet, and, feeling trapped, lept onto Amaraba where they begain

began

	"Umm, sorry about that, everyone," she said apologetically.
"I hate to interrupt you while you're doing...  Whatever you're

Suggest: "whatever you're..." (small caps) because the phrase is a continuation of the "while you're doing..." sentence and isn't a separate sentence unto itself.

corridors now.  Even high on some unknown substance, the Juraian 

Suggest: Even when high on some unknown substance, the Juraian.

	His route wasn't exactly the most efficient for the task of 
searching for a potential pilot, although Robot would have 
pleaded that he had a perfectly logical reason for choosing the 
inferior route.

My bet's on Sasami's being the one to pilot, unless there's yet another setup to a surprise punch line in the resolution part of the fic that I didn't see coming.

Banzai Announcer: Place your bets now! C'mon! Bet! Bet! Bet!

	Robot stopped before he was within reach, just as a 
precaution.  "Well 'Hi there!' yourself."

	"Hi!" Mihoshi added.

	Robot would have frowned if he'd been equipped to do so.  
"Hello...?  Miss Mihoshi?"  

	"Hi!"

	"Yoohoo, Mihoshi..." Robot called, waving one hand in a 
wide arc to see if she followed it.

	"Hi!"

She must be in RPG la-la land.

RPG World Commoner: Times are tough. (sighs)

	Robot looked at the coathanger in her hand, then glanced

coat hanger

She soon withdrew her hand, now 

sticky and pungent with her aroma, and held it up to her nose, 
even flicking her tongue out and tasting it.

Not an RPG, but a dating sim/hentai game. Robbie has unlocked the ecchi slideshow.

	"Oh, Robot!" Sasami exclaimed when she turned and saw him.  
"I didn't expect you to be here."

	He shrugged helplessly.

Robot: Maybe I should have gone with the option of 'Screw her silly' rather than 'Stand like a statue and wait for something to happen.' But I already played, and I want to see the alternate endings...

problem is, we don't know if anyone can fly the ship but its true

it's
 

captain."

	"Ah..." she replied, understanding.  "Okay.  I'll stop us."  
She didn't seem very concerned.

	"Excuse me?" Robot asked.  "You can fly the ship?  Are you 
sure?"

Banzai Announcer: You are the winner! Unless there's an incoming insane punch line that'd turn this ready conclusion around...

misshapen bulge flipped in mid-air, revealing a eager, weasely

I don't think adding 'ly' to 'weasel' necessarily makes 'weasely' a proper adverb.

	"Got us pegged, she does," he agreed readily.  "However, if 
you don't tell me everything you know about princess Ayeka, I'm

Suggest: Princess Ayeka

	Forgotten by all, Kiyone and Mihoshi stirred uneasily.

Uh-oh.

	Mihoshi somehow managed to escape her cottony prison in a 
matter of seconds and they both lurched through the door into the 
hallway, just in time to see Robot turn a corner.  A sense of 
duty stronger than any recreational chemical spurred them on.

Awww.

	"Princess!  Wait!  Is it true that Princess Ayeka is going 
to bring a return of the old traditions?!" he asked loudly from a 
few feet behind her.

Probably, probably.

	"Go away!" she screamed back.

	"Princess!  Your family has always had a wonderful record 
of cooperating with the press, why won't you just answer a few 
questions?" he pleaded, never taking his holorecording eye off 
her.

That's an annoying piece of... technology that is gladly nonexistent. Imagine how annoying paparazzi would be with those babies.

	Mihoshi, on the other hand, tripped and sprawled out 
facefirst 

Suggest: face-first or face first

	"Umm, I think so," she said, wiping at a bloody scratch on 
her forehead.

And the plot thickens.

	"Princess, you moron!" Ura corrected, and bapped him on the 

Suggest: and bopped him on the

	"If we don't get her to the bridge to fly this ship, we're 
all going to die when we slam into whatever gets in our way first.  
That includes her," Robot added.

	"Shit!  Shit!  Shit!" Amaraba said, rising and turning 
around three times as he thought.  Abruptly he stopped and 
whirled on them.  "Robot, how much do you know about medtech?"

Okay, then. Since this _is_ a finale, it just wouldn't do to not add a little life and death scenario to the whole thing. The circumstances leading to this sudden turn of events may be suspect, but it's nonetheless an intrinsic part of the finale. Cliche, perhaps? Not by the way you've handled it, thankfully.

	Robot blinked.  "I could build an exact duplicate of you 
using a case of beer, a bottle of vitamins, a couple of rocks, 
and a 'My First Methlab' children's chemistry set."

Suu: Me too! I can do that do! And I thought I was the only child to have the "My First Methlab" children's chemistry set!

Mitsune: (sweatdrops) Well, that explains a lot.

	Sasami spasmed

Suggest: had a spasm/had a seizure/shuddered/etc. 

forest of high canopied trees, 

Suggest: high-canopied trees,

	"Robot is coming with some medicine," Ura assured her, 
gingerly petting her clammy brow.  "Just hang on, Princess."  She 
turned to look up at her boyfriend.  "Man, I wish we knew what 
was wrong with her."

This may take a while.

(theme of Jeopardy plays as Ura and Amaraba thinks)

tiny neutron star sat in the middle of the screen, with a giant 
green doughnut composed of fluffy plants and tufted toothpic-like 

toothpick-like

in their time.  Master or mistressless

Suggest: mistress-less

	"Well then," Robot replied.  "Haughty.  Furbelow.

Er, what's a 'furbelow'?
  

Supercalifragil-"

^^;

	"I'MSOSORRYOFFICERIT'SNOTOURFAULTTHEREWASTHISDRUGRUNNERWHOS
TOLEOURDUFFLEBAGANDTRIEDTOKILLPRINCESSSASAMIWHOBYTHEWAYISONTHATRE
ALLYREALLYBIGSHIPANDEVERYONEELSEONBOARDHEREISSTONEDOFFTHEIRASSAND
WEWEREALLGONNADIE-"

Awwww. Ura pulled a Mihoshi.

	Sasami's quiet request that everything be kept as low-
profile as possible was instantly obeyed by frightened directors, 
and the reporter, having already been beaten senseless, was fired.

Yay! Typical tying of loose ends, but I ain't complainin'.

Still, in keeping with the long history her family had had of 
cooperating with the press, she agreed to answer a few questions 
and pose for a few stills for an article on her recent joining 
with the Tsunami, the most famous ship in Juraian history, as 
well as her assistance to three crewmembers and two GP officers 
in sniffing out a drugrunner on board the ship.  

Funny how things worked out so serendipitously. And by funny, I do mean funny. ^_^

	No mention was made of the ship full of stoned people.

Boo! That was the best plot point. 

	Amaraba and Ura each received a cash reward, a medal of 
service to the empire, and a kiss, delivered personally by a 
blushing Sasami, 

Yet another example of bumbling idiots who just happen to get involved with wandering royalty and, as a result of such, gets rewarded by being lucky.

Mihoshi: Wow. Who's the first example?

	Kiyone and Mihoshi both received a public promotion for 
their performance in catching the criminal and keeping the 
princess safe from harm, a publicity stunt designed to improve 
relations between the Galaxy Police and the Juraian Empire.

Kiyone and Mihoshi: (cries in happiness)

One 

hour later, the actual details of the event reached the GP 
headquarters, and they both received a private call detailing 
their new demotion back to Detective first class.

Kiyone and Mihoshi: (cries)

^^;

	Robot bobbed his head in a laugh as he quickly folded a 
skirt and shoved it in.  "Just as it's mine to stay here and 
relieve other young women's, ahhh, tensions."  Amused by his own 
joke, he picked up a pair of pants, then did a doubletake as he

Suggest: double take or double-take
 

	Robot picked it up carefully, trying to show respect for 
the poor android so viciously emasculated.

Er...

	"You know," she continued obliviously, "I'm really, really 
going to miss you.  I wish I had some sort of memento to carry 
with me.  You know, something to remind me of you while we're 
apart...?"  She turned around completely, looking around the room.  
"Robot?  Where'd you go?"  Frowning, she stepped outside to look 
up and down the halls, and even ran to look around several 
corners, but Robot was nowhere to be seen.  

	Try as she might, she never found him again, either.

Heh. W-ell, all good things has to end. 

THE END.

Here is my usually long-winded summary of what I thought of the chapter:

The writing was solid. I wouldn't go as far as to say 'solid gold' or 'comedy gold', but it was a refreshing change of pace from what I've been reading lately. I stand by my comment that you've obviously been into this writing business for quite a while to achieve this kind of easy readability plus putting vocab words at the right place and time. Prose flow was great, and it went well with the aforementioned amusing content. There were quite a bit of grammar and spelling errors here and there, some avoidable, some nitpicks, most words put together when they shouldn't be put together ('drugrunner' comes to mind) but I mostly _expected_ that from a 91-page fic. (shakes head) Tsk, tsk. I worry for your prereaders, if you have any. :)

But what exactly can I say about a story about dope, robot sex, and an intergalactic ship adventure? ^^; On the surface, it sounds like the typical hentai story that promises large amounts of sucktitude. If I were to judge it by synopsis alone, I'd probably say, "This can't end well."

But there's no need to fret. The story was indeed great and amusing. It ended well, too. Long, but it thankfully didn't drag. I've seen fics about thirty pages shorter than this one but I still couldn't get through half of 'em because of sheer boredom/sheer length of exposition without any payoff with the fun stuff/points of interest. Very amusing. Very amusing indeed. The limey parts were handled very tastefully.

Robot: (looks at me weirdly) You mean the parts where Mihoshi was doing a typical 'hands in her pants' hentai scene, or the part where she was wiggling her naked butt at me?

Er, meaning they didn't come out of the blue and stuff. You'd expect the limey parts to flow as smoothly as the prose. You go, Robbie!

Robot: (gives me the finger, then literally gives Mihoshi the finger)

Mihoshi: Ooooh!

Er, right. ^^; Was it limey to lemony? Hell yeah. Did the sexy-sex parts stick out like a sore thumb? Hell no. 

Robot: It's because we stick things in, not out. 

(ahem) Is this type of irreverent romp of lemony, perhaps even trashy/'tasteless' humor for everybody? Nah, but I don't really care about everybody, I'm just sayin' _I_ enjoyed it, and as I said before I didn't think it to be tasteless or trashy at all. ^_^

I especially like the fact that the end chapter wasn't at trying to make itself too grand or impressive... Sure, the life-or-death card has been drawn, but otherwise it has a very 'business as usual' feel to it that makes it not look like it's trying hard to be something it's not.

It just was amusing like the rest of chapters (at least the ones I've sent feedback to). It may put a damper on your belief that this chapter is superior to all the previous chapters, but it's still legitimate praise... This fic was about as funny as the Tenchi-Ayeka-Ryoko First POV-type chapter. It, like it predecessor, has about the same great twist and turns, the same tongue-in-cheek, irreverent comedy, that was consistently funny from start to finish, and the same great use of one-shot characters that act as great foil to the more established protagonists.

Anyway... revise what little there is to revise. Aaand... that's it. I dunno what more to add. It's a solid story, and I enjoyed it. I hope my comments were of help to you. Cheers, and keep on writing. That's my two cents. Abdiel out.



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