[And now for this one... ask and ye shall receive.]
 
And I ask for more again. Er...Please?
 
["Disclaimer: I am a thief and a stealer of souls... ^_^;"
 
^^; Some people get all riled up with people not putting proper 
disclaimers. Suggest making it funny]
 
And he comes out swinging. ^_^ 
 
It wasn't the best ever disclaimer, was it?
 
[Oh, and please do clean this up. Some sort of formatting glitches from 
before has reappeared on these chapters where words suddenly 
sticktogetherlikeso. Sooo... there. It's distracting to read.]
 
Yes, I know. I shortsightedly posted the second three chapters without
viewing how untidy the first three appeared on the FFML.
 
[To make your editing job easier (and I highly suggest you do edit 
this, for the sake of getting having a clean copy of it, even), 
I've taken the liberty of pointing out where the formatting 
errors apply.]
 
Cheers. 
 
[Indifference: Oh great, it's you again.
 
Fate: Ah, fuck off.]
 
Indifference? That's... not good. At all.
 
[Er, what question was Ukyo responding to? You don't need a complete 
recap, but including the question here so as to refresh the memories of 
those of us who don't have the best of memories would be appreciated. 
Yeah, it'd probably make sense who Ukyo's talking about once people read 
the chapters altogether, but some of us (i.e. me) read the chapters 
piecemeal. So... just a little "So where'd _____ go?" or something will be 
mucho appreciated.]
 
Suggestion noted.
 
[Ah, reticence... I love that word. IMO, reticence kicks silence's ass. 
Nevertheless, reticence is AFAIK almost never used outside of academic 
journals, legal documents, fansubs to describe Sailor Saturn's title, 
and my fics. ^^]
 
I love it too, so it stays.
 
[El Kabong: KABONG! *twaaang!*
Suggest: "A deadly and almost imperceptible/but silent/but 
stealthy/etc..." to describe the twang, since it came from a bow, not El Kabong's 
Kabonger.]
 
Noted, but a pox on you for dredging up the memory of El Kabong. 
 
[Nitpick: Describe 'a distance'. Was it a short distance? Was it quite a 
distance? Perhaps a long distance away? Meters away? Inches away? 
'Distance' sans description, IMO, is a bit too general.]
 
It was as long as a piece of string?
 
[And Ukyo steals the show again by being able to hear the twang as if 
she's the main character. 'K.]
 
Every chef I know has immaculate hearing. ^_^
 
['For a wonder' sounds weird. Some sort of local saying/idiomatic 
expression/whatnot?]
 
Got it in one.
 
[I wasn't able to air this complaint before because this is technically 
correct, but the, um, rather superfluous and overzealous use of 
substitute names on Ukyo "the chef" and Shampoo "the Amazon" instead of, say, 
simply using their names or, even better, pronouns, is getting to be a 
bit taxing to the reader. I can't speak for all readers, obviously, but 
that's the sore thumb which I think your fic has.]
 
'Kay.
 
[(sigh) Fine! :P Use your lawyer-like talk to replace the words 'simple' 
and 'troubled'.  If this is how you naturally write, then go for it. 
But please, no repeats of 'jocosity'. ;)]
 
T_T To heck with ye, where ye shall suffer dolorous inquietude!
 
[Er, would you mind looking 'falsetto/baritone/tenor/whatever' up in the 
internet/library? Coz from what I know, falsetto is the sound a guy 
makes when he pitches his voice higher to mimic a girl (i.e., Michael 
Jackson). The fact that Ukyo's a girl who turns into an effeminate guy kind 
of complicates matters on whether you should use falsetto or not. How 
about just dropping the whole thing?]
 
Yeah, I've dropped this before before my ignorance gets me into any more
trouble.
 
[Huh. I was wondering where the 'obnoxious' fandom terms went. :P 
Actually, I'm kind of glad there has, so far, not been that many fandom terms 
in your fic. If you really have to put them there, don't liberally 
litter them all over the place.]
 
Sir, it was a one-time lapse, sir! ^_^
 
[Hello fate. Hello... whoever. Sashiburi. Meet indifference.]
[Heh. Ei, look everybody... My C&C dialogue with the author, simplified.]
 
So this is what it feels like... when doves cry.
 
[He could have gotten that thought sooner, and without the drool, but I 
digress.]
 
But it helps digest food and keep teeth healthy!
 
[(bullshit detector goes off) Waaaaitaminute, the curse actually got 
them _together_ instead of wedge them apart or add, oh I dunno, 
complications to their relationship? 9_9]
 
I set 'em up...
 
[Personally? Even though I'd be repeating myself, I'd love to see more 
conflict to make these waffy, sappy scenes have more payoff. It's like 
buildup before the climax. It's like foreplay before sex. It's like more 
writing, less fanboyism. Less IMO OOC jealous Ranma irritates Ukyo to 
no end, more misunderstandings that would make this read less 
predictably.]
 
[But where's the buildup? The progression sounds somewhat forced, seeing 
that their mutual curse is the main factor to all this. Contrived, 
even. Unless there's something else that takes away this strongly implied 
conclusion that Ukyo's gonna get it on with Ranma by increading rapport 
with him by every problem they share, then my interest in this will be 
fading fast.]
 
Yes, I have many failings as a writer. I read, and I write. Never gonna 
learn from my mistakes if I don't make them.
 
['However, the second incident with the girl seemed to have
caused Ranma to distance himself further that before, something which
Ukyo failed to understand.'
Same thing with the readers, unfortunately.]
 
My steak...er, reviewer is dryer than Oscar Wilde. o_o
 
['He�d been adamant about his engagement with
Shampoo, yet remained somewhat cold to the subject of the engagement
herself.'
 
Again this reads weird. "remained somewhat cold to the subject of the 
engagement herself" is confusing. To what does 'engagement herself' 
pertain to? Her engagement to Shampoo or her engagement to Ukyo?]
Yikes. Needs to be fixed.
 
[Suggest: If you really have to use those thesaurus words, why not go 
full-tilt and make the prose purple to the point it would make even 
Milton proud. :P Anyway, that's what I would do, but it'd be understandable 
if it's not your thing.]
 
There had _better_ be a lollipop at the end of this for me!
 
[(shrug) I think you're over-using the word realisation too much, when 
it can be substituted for awareness, comprehension... Hey, you do have a 
fairly large vocab, doncha? ;) Use it.]
 
...you knew you left yourself open, here. But I can't do it. T_T
 
[Kudos to you for not yet using the "You're the 'cute' fiancee" line as 
of yet. ^_^ Better it is used later than sooner, after all.]
 
"Hey, I didn't know my chin went this high."
 
"Oh yeah! _There's_ the pride!"
 
[fic Ukyo: (saint on Prozac) :P]
 
Maybe she actually fell into Kinnee's spring? 
 
['knowledge of the language, translated as best he could. �Why would 
she want me to 'go and phone myself'?� he wondered aloud.'
9_9]
 
But surely not as bad as the disclaimer, right? ^_^;
 
[<<<snip the totally unnecessary and gratuitous use of personified fate 
and her other companion>>>
 
No. Just... no.]
 
I concur.
 
[Nitpick: Nothing blows the 'realism' of a fic than pop culture 
references that the characters should not know about. Fourth wall and all that. 
OTOH, your ff.net audience seems to love this piece of... exposition, 
so be it. Go with the fanservice.]
 
Sensei! Please teach me to be hardcore!
 
(And you know what? I never watched that show.)
 
[And what's a gis? ?_? (suggest: their gi, since Japanese words don't 
have plural forms unless they're actually incorporated into the English 
language. AFAIK, the gi has not been incorporated into the English 
language such that 'gis' would be its plural form)]
 
I learned something new today. 
 
['Calmed slightly, now that she was back in her uncursed form, the chef'
There's no such word as uncursed, so why not just describe it as their 
normal forms?]
 
I'm overcompensating for something? <_< ... >_> 
 
['cursed martial artists quieten, the restaurateur explained again'
I never heard of this form of 'quiet'. I dunno if it's an Americanism 
issue or a typo, but suggest revising 'quieten' to 'became quiet' or 
'quieted down' or something. I dunno.]
 
You've never been asked to 'quieten down' at a bar? You need to 
visit Ireland.
 
[�This contains several bars of Jusenkyo Waterproof Soap!� 
Well, ain't that convenient.]
 
And our pal deus ex machina never showed up in the manga?
[Ah, yes. Fandom's water magnet theory.]
 
*Shrugs* The idea has some merit.
 
['munificence?"
"Munica-what?" Clenching a fist, the girl blared,'
Will you look at that, even Ranma's getting into the C&Cing act! lol.]
 
Well, it _was_ meant as a ridiculing self-reference.
 
[I must have missed something in the rather convoluted explanation the 
mustached man offered in the previous chapter. I kind of get why Ranma 
should be the one who should stay as a girl... but it took me quite a 
bit, and the said explanation was no help at all. As such, could you 
please tweak the explanation a bit so that it can actually, oh I dunno, 
explain and clarify things to the reader?]
 
I honestly thought it was fairly clear. 
 
['Despite evidence to the contrary, Ranma did understand the
significance of the commitment involved in being engaged. And
like a winning streak in Tetris, more pieces were falling into
place,'
O_O
 
My God, that's an out-of-place comparison in prose if I ever did see 
one.]
 
Just GUESS what I had been playing before I wrote that. 
 
['only flummox the brunette furthur, Ranma decided it was time to'
Change furthur to further]
 
I've been screwing that up since I learned to type.
 
['dazzling smile.' 
 
Ukyo: (grumble) Hey! Enough of the fanboy service! I wanna see male 
Ranma and his cute bu--lovely pectorals!]
 
For cryin' out glayvin! FICS have been wrote that describe Akane's smile.
Let me at least have this. ^_^
 
['it up first. The waterproof soap, they resolved, would have to be
kept secret at all costs.'
 
Well, so much for that. I don't see why this part should be a 
flashback. After all, if the events were put in chronological order, the story 
would be keeping more surprises.]
 
Hmm...
 
['pulled himself together and looked up, expecting his charges to have
left so he could help himself to some supplies. Instead, he found an
angrily glaring teenager. Her unsettling resemblance to another
significant redhead in his life did nothing to hearten him,'
 
When was Nodoka ever a redhead?
 
Genma: In "Genma's Daughter" when she was younger?]
 
Darn you, Deborah Goldsmith! 
 
If its any excuse, I am slightly colourblind. ^_^;
 
["I know," breathed back Ukyo whimsically; "Maybe I'll start calling 
you Rapunchan,"
 
(wince) Good lord, no.]
 
Your pleas are futile. For I am an atheist!
 
[W-ell,  I personally find it rather weird to see all these contrasting 
elements together in a fic.]
 
"I'm not quite dead yet, sir..."
 
I'm learnin'.
 
[Batter & Curses fans: Boo! Hiss! Go away, you wet blanket spoilsport!]
 
*Checks review count* Yeah! My seventy buddies and I are gonna just gonna 
ignore you!
 
[smile which had graduated from sly to sinister.
(graduation music/Macho Man's entrance theme)
Fate: (hands diploma to sly/Sylvester Stallone)
Sly: (graduates to sinister)]
 
:)
 
[I'll be frank... while the earlier chapter was indeed mildly amusing to 
me]
 
*Tries not to faint*
 
[IMO, there wasn't much of anything incredibly interesting happening, only 
fanservicey interplay between Ranma and Ukyo that I suppose only the 
most die-hard of R&U fans could appreciate. Simply put, the fanservice in 
this chapter affected me not.]
 
Thanks. Honestly rules. 
 
[Also, you've mentioned in your reply to the previous C&C that, "Examine 
the later chapters I've posted to the FFML, and you'll find that I 
'sorted out' that annoyance [of formatting errors]." Apparently, these 
aren't the later chapters you speak of, because these chapters are actually 
worse than the first three chapters. Hopefully, once I complete the 
C&Cing of chapter 7, there won't be any more of these formatting errors, 
'coz half of the time I lose track of the story by keeping track of the 
errors.]
 
I was referring to a _different_ set of formatting errors. (Yeah, I 
know.) These new ones arose when I edited the chapters a few months ago.
The last two chapters ARE free of these, too.
 
[In any case, good for them and good for you, 'coz Ranma-chan fanservice 
coupled with Ukyo worship (that I've seen done and overdone) just isn't 
my thing.]
 
Honesty hurts, too. 
 
[On the other hand, I'm still willing to help lend a hand on stuff that 
_can_ be changed in your fic... Namely, grammar and perhaps helping you 
make your narrative simpler and readable.]
 
Go raibh maith agat! ;)
 
[I won't promise to not complain about the lack of (what 
I believe as) conflict in chapter 7, but I will promise that I'd tone 
it down enough so that my C&C will actually be of some help.] 
 
'Tone it down'? Your call.
 
[In any case, ignore my 'caustic' comments if you'd like. ;) I'm only 
"keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the 
fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you found my comments 
helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you 
that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing, as well 
as C&Cing. That's my two cents. Abdiel out.]
 
Again, I thank you for the C&C. I'm definitely looking forward to your 
review of the next chapter.
 
- Ace.  


		
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