Quoting Loki-L <loki.laufeyjarson.ffml@gmail.com>:

Delete "have".

I added an N to know instead; "have known" is what I originally
intended
to write. I can't justify it gramtically, but I like it better then
"know".

Sometimes you've just to got say "Damn the grammar!  Full speed ahead!"

her
abductor, but who would believe him?

Nabiki.

That danger exist. I might have to add a scenes about drugging
Kunou
before sending him home to make sure that his account will be even
less coherent and believable than normal for him.

You've got the blasted amnesia shampoo.  Ranma doesn't use it on
Kodachi because he doesn't want to have to explain to Akane where
Kodachi went but that isn't a problem with Kuno.  And it's not like
the amnesia effect is 100% reliable.  

might be
listening.

Ranma was in her Mistress Severa costume which did not lend

itself

to
sneaking, but she was certain that Kodachi had not heard her.

stealth

Do you mean that I should replace "sneaking" with "stealth"?

Just a suggestion.  

"But Mistress, I have been good," Akane whined almost faltering

in

whined,

Right!

her
step.

I'm not sure how one goes about almost faltering.

By not quite faltering -- catching yourself before actually
stumbeling or
slowing down. Perhaps I could describe this better.

Nah.  Never mind.  I was being too picky.  

plan to pretend not to see her and lose her on the stairs.

I don't really see what is so wrong with what I wrote. It was a bit
arkward
perhaps. I ended up changing it to:

"Wait! wait!" she called out, dashing Ranma's plan of pretending
not to
have seen her and then loosing her on the stairs.7

"of" doesn't really work for me.  But if you like it...  

"It might tingle a bit," Ranma allowed, "But we got you nicely

we have you

or possibly

I have you,

since Kodachi isn't really an equal participant.

I changed "got" into "have" but kept the "we". She meant herself
and Akane I was going for the annoying "we" used by doctors etc..

To tell the truth, I was thinking at this point that Ranma could have
used a naughty nurse character instead of Severa, but that would screw
up the Kodachi dynamic and complicated your life so I can see why it
is better not to.
  

but later on she'd find herself grateful that she had been able
to claw her own breast off.

Right this is a tricky one. I experimnted with phrases like "would
have
wanted to at the time" But that sounded to confusing. I was
tempted
to replace it entirely with a more clearcut description, but in the
end I
came up with:

Akane did not look terribly reassured, but she would be grateful
later on
that she would not have been able to claw her own breast off like
she
soon would want to.

Oh yes, that is better.  

girl was crazy, but she had not expected her to do something

like

this. It
was almost like she wanted to be punished by Severa.

Kodachi probably did not realized just how bad the stuff was.

A

realise
realize

I changed it to realised.

Both spellings are OK so far as I know.  I just happen to use the
first one.  The important thing is that it must be "had not realised"
or "did not realise".  

Of course that meant that Kodachi was now also upside down,

but

Ranma
cared little about that.

"This is no fun," She admonished her, "this is a serious matter

and

"This isn't just a bit of fun," Ranma admonished her.  "This is
something serious and it is time you started treating it that

way.

I don't really see the problem here.

Well, those are two different sentences.  The changed wording is
suggested to make it clearer that Severa doesn't mean that _she_ won't
be having fun.  

You see, right here a line like,

"Oh you spoiled child, did you think I was going to give you what

you

want because you misbehaved?  No, dear, I'm going to give you

what you

deserve."

might be a better way to get across the thought than to put it in

a

silent monologue.

I might add some dialogue here, but I really don't want to make
'Severa' too
talkative. She also can't analyze Kodachi as well out loud since
she does
not know her that well.

Kodachi wouldn't think twice about if it seemed like Severa could read
her mind.  In fact one thing Ranma should consider doing is stealing
Kodachi's school records as he did Akane's.  



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