On 6/18/05, rgorman@telusplanet.net <rgorman@telusplanet.net> wrote:

Quoting Loki-L <loki.laufeyjarson.ffml@gmail.com>:

Warning:
This part again is a bit low on plot, sense and plausibility but
high on lime.

Is that directed at me?  Actually I thought this part was relatively
well rationalised, all things considered.

The warning wasn't directed at you. At least not exclusively.
I just wanted to make it clear that there would be LIME bits
ahead and that I wrote the story around those scenes and not
the other way around.

                             * **  ***  ** *

                       Severa's Favorite Place


Tatewaki had been much easier to deal with than Ranma had feared.
Once the
Blue Thunder had been knocked out Ranma had send him and his
retainer
home. He might now have know about the location of the Akane and

Delete "have".

I added an N to know instead; "have known" is what I originally intended
to write. I can't justify it gramtically, but I like it better then "know".

her
abductor, but who would believe him?

Nabiki.

That danger exist. I might have to add a scenes about drugging Kunou
before sending him home to make sure that his account will be even
less coherent and believable than normal for him.

Ranma was sure that the castle

was
reasonably safe for the time being.

Except of course that Kuno will be back tomorrow.

Again I might have to invent something to keep him from
coming back to soon. But he will be back sooner or later.

Unfortunately he had not been able to deal that easily with his
sister.
Kodachi was still a prisoner in the castle and nothing Ranma could
think
of would make her attempt to escape.

That was why Ranma was currently sneaking down the corridors of
the
dungeon trying very hard not be heard by an crazy gymnasts who

any

Right!

might be
listening.

Ranma was in her Mistress Severa costume which did not lend itself
to
sneaking, but she was certain that Kodachi had not heard her.

stealth

Do you mean that I should replace "sneaking" with "stealth"?

Without knocking she opened and entered Akane's cell.

knocking,

"Kodachi, I told you to go back to your cell," Akane called out.

When Ranma did not answer Akane turned to the door.

"Mistress," she recognized in surprise, "I am sorry, I thought you

she said in surprise

(Recognising doesn't make any sound.  What's more, while your English
teacher may have warned you against the word "said", one use per
chapter is quite acceptable.)

Right. I sometimes try to avoid endless repitions of 'said' so much that I
end up not using it at all.

"But Mistress, I have been good," Akane whined almost faltering in

whined,

Right!

her
step.

I'm not sure how one goes about almost faltering.

By not quite faltering -- catching yourself before actually stumbeling or
slowing down. Perhaps I could describe this better.
 

"Don't think of it as a punishment, little one -- think of it as a
reward," Ranma advised, "You have made lots of progress with your
strength
and endurance and we will keep that up, but now it is time to go a
step
further in your training and add a few special exercises. And the
torture
chamber has just the kind of equipment that will make those
exercises
enjoyable."

Akane looked unconvinced, but before she could voice her opinions
on the
matter a door swung open far behind them.

Ranma suppressed a groan as Kodachi came up running behind them.

"Wait! wait!" she called out dashing Ranma's plans of pretending to
have
not seen her and loosing her on the stairs.

plan to pretend not to see her and lose her on the stairs.

I don't really see what is so wrong with what I wrote. It was a bit arkward
perhaps. I ended up changing it to:

"Wait! wait!" she called out, dashing Ranma's plan of pretending not to
have seen her and then loosing her on the stairs.

Akane was only to happy to wait for her fellow prisoner, she looked
like
she would not have minded delaying the trip indefinitely.

"You are lucky I heard you walking by," Kodachi announced
enthusiastically, "I almost missed you and I wouldn't have found
the way
by myself. I can't help you if am not there."

if I am not there

I added the "I".

Ranma reached out to fondled Akane's chest good naturedly.

fondle

Right!

 

Picking up the conversation again Ranma concluded her lecture by
telling
them: "But of course most of that is in the future. Today we will
begin
with something simple."

                             * **  ***  ** *

                             Icy-Hot Tortures


"But of course most of that is in the future. Today we will begin
with
something simple. I will show you how to take care of your breasts
like I
promised," Ranma said.

Woah, deja vu.

I merged these into onw paragraph.
 

It was quiet simple actually; not too different from channeling

quite

Quite so.
 

The maneuver that Ranma had hidden with a slight of hand was

sleight-of-hand

Right. I should have known that. It was more of a grope-of-hand anyway.

"This creme if applied regularly will keep your breasts nice and
firm
without need for some icky underwear that would just get in the
way. It is
an old family recipe. The only drawback is that it somewhat strong

is somewhat

Right!
 

She put a pair of plastic gloves over her own leather clad hands

leather-clad

Right!

to
protect the material and advanced on the visibly concerned Akane.

"Er... , Mistress... this isn't going to hurt is it?" Akane asked
nervously.

"It might tingle a bit," Ranma allowed, "But we got you nicely

we have you

or possibly

I have you,

since Kodachi isn't really an equal participant.

I changed "got" into "have" but kept the "we". She meant herself
and Akane I was going for the annoying "we" used by doctors etc..

 

restrained
so you shouldn't be able to do yourself any harm when the heating
effect
starts to take effect."

Akane did not look terribly reassured, but she would be grateful
later
that she had not been able to claw her own breast off like she had
wanted
to at that time.

Temporal confusion.  Try

but later on she'd find herself grateful that she had been able
to claw her own breast off.

Right this is a tricky one. I experimnted with phrases like "would have
wanted to at the time" But that sounded to confusing. I was tempted
to replace it entirely with a more clearcut description, but in the end I
came up with:

Akane did not look terribly reassured, but she would be grateful later on
that she would not have been able to claw her own breast off like she
soon would want to.

"Now pay attention, Kodachi," Ranma ordered as she began to
demonstrate,
"You take a small bit of creme and carefully rub it into the
breasts with
your fingers. make sure that you don't accidentally get any of it
anywhere
else on her or yourself. And this part is important: Leave out the
nipples! They are far to sensitive so make sure you don't get any

too

Right!

creme on
them directly."

"Cold!" Akane moaned out already visibly reacting to the first
phase of
the creme with a stiffening of her nipples and some chattering of
her
teeth.

Ranma stepped aside to let Kodachi work on Akane by herself. From
the way
she worked it was obvious that she was no stranger to working with
dangerous substances and she managed to rub the creme into Akane's
breast
with surprising skill and care.

Ranma was just about to commend her when Kodachi turned to her and
gave
her what Ranma was sure to have been a naughty smile. Without
looking she
took a large glob and placed it directly on one of Akane's nipple.

When she turned back to her work she expressed her surprise at what
she
had done with an far to innocent sounding "Ooops!"

a far too

Right!

"Kodachi!" Ranma exclaimed outraged at the girls behavior. "I told

exclaimed,

girl's

Right!

you not
to get anything on her nipples. Do you have any Idea how this is

idea

Right!

going to
burn for poor Akane?"

Akane stared at them in wide eyed shock.

"I am sorry, Mistress," Kodachi apologized.

Ignoring her Ranma took a closer look at the problem.

"Well the damage is done," she announced, "we might as we'll even

well

Right!

"I almost think you did that on purpose Kodachi," she accused the

purpose,

Right!

girl.

Kodachi looked up innocently from where she was standing next to
Akane.

"On purpose?" she asked innocently seemingly unable to believe
that
somebody might suspect of such dastardly behavior.

She looked back down at he one remaining gloved hand

the

I actually meant "her".

contemplatively.
There was still some residue of the creme on the fingers of the
plastic
gloves.

"You mean like this, Mistress?" she asked running the index finger
of
her gloved hand along the lips of Akane's exposed crotch before
taking
that glove off, too and disposing it in the trash. "I would never
do
something like that, Mistress."

                             * **  ***  ** *

                              Song and Dance

Ranma inspected Akane's crotch. It had thankfully only been a small
bit of
creme and without the pressure points it would not have any
permanent
effect on Akane, but it was still going to hurt like hell.

Kodachi's behavior had been truly unbelievable. Ranma had known
that the
girl was crazy, but she had not expected her to do something like
this. It
was almost like she wanted to be punished by Severa.

Kodachi probably did not realized just how bad the stuff was. A

realise
realize

I changed it to realised.

part of
Ranma was tempted to show her by having her lick the creme off, but
that
would have been too cruel.

Ranma instead dabbed at it with a paper towel removing most of the
dangerous substance.

Akane would just have to deal with the rest of it.

She looked the girl onto the eyes. Akane was shocked and afraid but
she
also had a look of resolve in her eyes. The stubborn tomboy was
obviously
determined to see this through.

She had no idea what was in store for her. Ranma would somehow have
to
find a way to make thinks up to her later with some sort of

things

Right!.

reward.

Ranma gave her a nod of acknowledgement and turned to Kodachi.

The girl would have to be shown that she had crossed the line from
playfully naughty to seriously nasty.

"That was very bad of you Kodachi," Ranma told her, "I am afraid I

you, Kodachi,

Right!

am
going to have to punish you."

Before Ranma could say any more Kodach was already in motion. She

Kodachi

Right!

happily
skipped towards another set of posts stripping off her sackcloth
garments
and veil along the way. In Imitation of Akane's bondage she

imitation

Right1

nakedly
chained herself up between the posts facing the wall on which all
kinds of
whips, switches, canes and paddles were displayed.

Ranma could not believe it the spoiled brat still thought that
things
were going to go her way and that she would get exactly what she
wanted
instead of what she deserved. Ranma would have to show her the
error of
her ways.

You know it wouldn't hurt to have Ranma say a few more of these
sentiments out loud to Kodachi.  They aren't really things he needs
to keep to himself.

Yes. there could be a bit more talking going on here...

Silently she went to the wall and observed Kodachi's reaction as
she made
to choose among the various items displayed there.

After perusing the options for some time she came to a disquieting
conclusion.

It looked like Ranma would have a problem here. The only tools
that
Kodachi did not view with outright enthusiastic anticipation were
ones
that Ranma was not prepared to use. Kodachi appeared far more
willing to
try out even the nastier instruments than Ranma.

even nastier

Actually the sentences is written exactly the way I meant it. It just
is a bit confusing. The instruments are the nastier ones from the
ones mentioned above not nastier than ones Ranma would be
willing to try. The "than" refers to "more willing" not nastier.

This just would not do.

When it looked like Kodachi was about to offer helpful suggestions
Ranma
had to act. She stepped towards Kodachi and turned her around.

The chains that Kodachi had used to bind herself were connected to
large
bars on the side of the posts. The bars could be turned on piviots
like
propellers and with Kodachi attached to them so could she. Ranma
had
turned Kodachi around to face away from the wall and towards
Akane.

Of course that meant that Kodachi was now also upside down, but
Ranma
cared little about that.

"This is no fun," She admonished her, "this is a serious matter and

"This isn't just a bit of fun," Ranma admonished her.  "This is
something serious and it is time you started treating it that way.

I don't really see the problem here.

 

"No, Mistress." Kodachi assured her suddenly not quiet as cocky.

her,

Right!
 

Was she perhaps realizing that she had underestimated the effect
her
playful tricks would have on Akane?

While Kodachi was watching Akane's increasingly wild gyrations
Ranma was
trying to come up with a workable way to punish Kodachi.

She was at a loss of what to do when her eyes fell on a slightly

"of" is wrong.  I'm not sure what would be right but "of" is definitely
wrong.

"as to" seems to be the right phrase to use here.
 

unusual
item in the array on the wall. It was a long shot, but it might
just work.

Plucking two decorative feathers from the handle of a whip Ranma
went back
to Kodachi.

"Mistress?" Kodachi inquired wonderingly when Ranma went to work

She was trying to crane her neck to see what Ranma was doing behind
her
when she began feeling the feathers on her skin.

Ranma paid her no mind and instead used his martial arts senses to
quickly
locate several sensitive spots.

"Mistress, this is nice, but I am kind of ticklish there," Kodachi
said
distressed.

Ranma continued relentlessly.

"What's the matter Kodachi?" she enquired evilly, "Don't you find
it funny
anymore? I thought you wanted to laugh about poor Akane."

"Mistress, no... that is not what I ... Mistress please!" Kodachi
pleaded between gasps.

You see, right here a line like,

"Oh you spoiled child, did you think I was going to give you what you
want because you misbehaved?  No, dear, I'm going to give you what you
deserve."

might be a better way to get across the thought than to put it in a
silent monologue.

I might add some dialogue here, but I really don't want to make 'Severa' too
talkative. She also can't analyze Kodachi as well out loud since she does
not know her that well.

And when Kodachi could help herself no longer Ranma was in for a
surprise.
Kodachi was laughing, but her laugh sounded nothing like her usual
affected annoying laughter.

In fact it sounded almost the opposite of her usual laugh:
natural,
innocent, angelic and musical. Ranma wondered if Kodachi ever
allowed anyone else to hear it.

If Ranma had read her right, than Kodachi who always tried so hard
to
appear aloft and mature would consider it an embarrassment and a

aloof.

Right!

weakness.
Losing control and allowing anybody else to hear would be a major
defeat
for her and what Ranma was doing to her was worse torture than she
could
have inflicted with a whip.

Cute.

It might have been better to have this expressed from Kodachi's point of
view than having Ranma intuively guessing it.

Ranma continued her work. Standing behind Kodachi she could torment
the
spread-eagled, upside-down hanging girl while at the same time
watching
Akane through the space between her spread legs.

Akane was well into the second phase at this point. She was covered
in
sweat and trashing in her bonds. Her eyes were pressed shut and it
was
questionable whether she could even hear Kodachi above the ringing
in her
ears at this point. All her attention was inward and on the
burning
sensation on her breasts.

When Ranma tried to look at Akane's battle aura it almost looked
like she
had grown two blinding headlights on her chest.

Beevis:  Uh-huh-huh.  He said "headlights".

...

 

Through her

concentration
Akane was sending her chi into the pathways Ranma had opened
earlier. But
because Akane did not know what she was doing the chi also ended
up
enhancing her sensitivity making her feel the burning sensation
even more
acutely. This in turn made Akane send even more of her chi down
the
pathways in a vicious circle of a feed-back loop.

vicious feed-back loop.

As Ranma had predicted this feedback-loop was sending enough chi

this cycle was

I did not mean that the feed-back loop was paticularly vicious, but that it
was going in the way of a "vicious cycle". The repitition of feed-back loop
is not very elegant but I kept it.

through
the temporary pathways to burn them in place and achieving in a
short time
what normally would have taken months of conscious effort. After
this it
would only take a little training to make Akane continually feed a
bit of
chi to her breasts down those new pathways.

Of course Akane had a big price to pay for taking this shortcut.
From the
way Akane was now moving in her bonds she had to experience
extreme
sensations right now.

be experiencing

Right!

Ranma felt rather guilty about the way she enjoyed the view, but
Akane
certainly looked wild and erotic like this with her hair plastered
to her
sweat covered face, pushing her chest out in Ranma's direction and
her
glistening body moving back and forth in a fast rhythm.

It was almost as if she was dancing.

Ranma had at this point achieved some proficiency in tickling
Kodachi with
her feathers. She knew just where to tickle to make her voice rise
higher
or fall deeper. And by timing the moments that she allowed Kodachi
to gasp
for air just right Ranma had almost complete control over her
voice.

Experimentally Ranma tried to match Kodachi's laughter to the
rhythm of
Akane's movements. Soon Ranma was playing her like an instrument
and
making her provide the music to Akane's dancing.

As Kodachi's beautiful song filled the chamber in accompaniment to
Akane's
wild dance Ranma came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe
having two
prisoners might just work out and having Kodachi here would not be
all
that bad.

Uh-hunh.  OK, Ranma's a real pervert now.

That's what Akane has been telling everyone all the time! :)

I was afraid that Ranma was turning into a pervert too fast or too completly
here, but it seems to have worked.
 
Thanks for your c&c. It really has helped my a lot with this and the previous
parts.

That's it for now. I will take some time finish rewrites before I am ready
finish and post any new material.

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