__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam?  Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around 
http://mail.yahoo.com 

-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: c7c28.txt
-- Desc: 3677809543-c7c28.txt

So my next victim iissss... a regular victim of my C&Cs. :P

On 5/25/05, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:

Prologue

Well, nice to see the prologue thingy up and running. :)

I've already mentioned the smart quotes thing, so FYI they're here again and you should go uncheck several options on the autocorrect function if you're using word. Then I'll just leave it at that. 

holographic projector was working. As far as the world was concerned,
Senator Victor Timely

'Timely', eh? Sounds rather familiar, for a Marvel fic. Intended? :)

Washington D.C..

I'm not sure, but is that right? Ending D.C. with an (IMO) extra period, I mean?
 
By Kang�s estimation, with the additional campaigning the

president had done, he should only have won by five thousand votes.
Instead he had won a clear cut margin of twenty-thousand. Kang didn�t
like his estimations being off. The stakes were too high to allow
mistakes of any kind.

Sailor Pluto: Time isn't a set thing. It's best left to professionals.

Kang: Yeah, well I am one!

�And you read my recommendation?� Kang prodded. �The gamma readings on
site match the ones taken by SHIELD. They clearly indicate this
rampaging behemoth called the Hulk is clearly that muted pig.

Is 'muted' intentional? Or did you meant mutated?
 

Jonathon peered closely at one of the photos. �Weird, I�d swear that
hill has eyes and a mouth.�

Ah. Him.

�How about that worldwide ban on whaling you�ve been trying to push
through in the U.N.?� Jonathon suggested. �They�ve been complaining
about that for a while now. If we agree to bury it, that might be the
favor we need.�

Typical politicking, I'd say. But I wouldn't know, I don't read those kinds of novels.

The Hulkbusters would succeed. They would kill the Hulk and then
everything would be right with the world. A couple of months and it
would all be over.

Funny how in contrast to all this seriousness, it'd have to be the Hulkbusters who would save the day for Kang. :P

As one they twisted their necks, causing a cracking sound. �Our name is
Mr. Smith, Miss Anderson.�

�My name isn�t Anderson,� Kaori said, bewildered.

Through gritted teeth Gyrich spat out, �Their name is Jamie Madrox. All
of them are, including the pilot. He�s a mutant that likes making bad
Matrix jokes and can create an exact duplicate of himself with a kinetic
impact.�

Heh. Cameos galore and references galore.

�Yeah, but I only get paid like one,� Jamie Two grumbled.

That sucks.
 

Kaori began leading him to a large structure next to field. 

Not sure what you're saying here, so I merely suggest: next to the field

Kaori spoke in a low voice, �I didn�t even know it existed until it was
announced they were taking control of the situation. What I do know is
they stink. They have some sort of pseudo-military unit called �Hound�,
and believe me, they�re good. They also operate real well together, like
they�ve been under fire. 

I'm confused. Probably because I don't know what Kaori meant when she said "they stink". It's not what I think it means, or else she won't be appraising them so positively in the next sentence. Perhaps she meant that they 'stink' as in their personalities? Body odor? ?_?

Ross turned to Banner. �Make sure that equipment is functioning right.

Suggest: Make sure that the equipment

Every single one the Hulk had ever met

had attacked him for no reason. 

Heh. That's a good observation.

That was enough for the Hulk. He went back outside, intent on destroying
Dr. Doom�s armor. Doom tried to trick him again by claiming Chi was the
bad person, but the Hulk knew better. Bad guys were never cute little
girls who cried when you threatened them.

This is becoming almost as embarrassing as his Squirrel Girl dilemma. I wonder if Dr. Doom will again retroactively change things so that it would be yet another Doom Bot that was booted off his castle.

The Hulk looked down and saw an old newspaper. He recognized the
writing, if not the words it formed. That meant he was back in Japan. Home.

Soooo... Hulk is bilingual?
  

�I know. I just hear it all the time,� Walker said.

"Keep on walking?" Narusawa asked.

�Chase cats.�

�Cats are so dangerous in Japan you need an automatic rifle to take them
out?�

�Some breeds.�

There's some witty dialogue there.

Wordlessly the figure reached out with a massive hand, huge fattened
fingers poking through what might have at one time been gloves, with
clumps of dirt sticking to them. A rancid smell reached Ryouga�s
nostrils as the hand came near his face, and he resisted the urge to
regurgitate.

Nitpick: IMO, 'regurgitate' doesn't translate well, or is even remotely related to (except the reflexive 'discharging' that both actions cause) vomiting or nausea that'd cause vomiting. Regurgitate, AFAIK, is what birds do to food to better feed their young. Why not use vomit (verb) instead?

Hell, he wasn�t even that

angry at Ranma anymore. Whenever he thought of his mortal enemy, he just
couldn�t get worked up over it like he used to.

Well, whaddyaknow! Being the Hulk is therapeutic. Admittedly not without its downsides, I admit, but it's still therapeutic.

like hitting girls, but sometime it had to be done. 

sometimes it had to be done.

tended to have little reluctance when it came to smacking men around,
when they felt there was just cause.

Akane: Humph. Chivalry is dead.

Ryouga was fast, kicking the foreigner hard in the gut. The blow landed
solidly, and the solider

soldier

Ryouga turned, hoping to talk the woman into surrendering. Instead he
was met with a boot to the face, rattling his jaw. Spinning gracefully,
she switched legs

She 'switched' legs? Is this yet another colloquialism I have not heard about? What does it mean, then? Inquiring minds must know. ?_?
 

Ryouga turned to go, then realized something. �How do I get out?�

Heh. Unintentionally bad (though admittedly good intentioned) advice for one such as Ryoga.

complicated way of getting out? She probably meant two doors. So he
would count off two doors, and go out that way.

Well, shades of classic Ryoga-itis is there.

Ranma (Batter & Curses): Go for it, Marco Polo!

world he wanted was to be lugged around by Kenny again. It was better to
move on ahead, and if he couldn�t find a way out, go up one level and
try again.

Or he could do it Shampoo style and break through the walls until he's out.

should have been. Not a strand of hair was left, on his head, and only
hunger existed in his jaundiced-colored eyes.

So Kenny has... (looks up an encyclopedia) yellow-colored eyes? Ooooh. Battousai-ish.

�Kenny!� Yumi cried out, not understanding what was going on, other than
some terrible monster was trying to kill her child.

Nice interplay of drama between the not so evil yet not so good mom Yumi and her mindless man-eating son while Hulk pummels Kenny.

�Hulk will smash stupid monster!� the emerald behemoth promised.

(wince) Nitpick again, but that description of the Hulk reminds me of an Emerald mutated version of the Thing for some reason. Perhaps you _can_ repeat green in this sentence even though you've typed it a few paragraphs back? Repetition isn't all that bad anyway, especially considering the alternative. OTOH, the description has been used before, but IMO it makes me have that strange visual every time. 

It was not to be as the combination of the loss of pillar and impact to
the ceiling proved too much for the ages old

Suggest: age old or age-old

That was the way Talbot wanted it. He finally had a chance to be the
hero and impress Betty Ross, the general�s daughter. It had been love at
first sight for Talbot, though he quickly learned she seemed to only
have eyes for that wimp Bruce Banner. 

A silly thought has occurred to me... If this were done in a, say, comic or as screenplay, this would come out as awfully monologuish (not a word, I know, but work with me here). It seems that narrative prose is a plus for developing villains without resorting to them talking to themselves. 

Of course, you have pointed out that bragging and rubbing it in is half the fun, but when did 'rubbing it in' ever include a whole speechified essay about the villain's motivations and bad childhood trauma? ^_^;

house. The Hulk looked even more dangerous and horrifying in person,
especially when surrounded by so many dead bodies.

Oh. Tsk, tsk. More misunderstood monster drama.

�Stupid metal men think making Hulk sweat will stop him?! 

LOL.

Lighter by far

than its predecessor and a mix of grey and black instead of jet black,
it looked too slender to be very powerful.

A female version of War Machine, even.
 

Computers in the Mandroid�s armor translated the youth�s speech. The
joke was on this impudent upstart. He wasn�t the hero, here, Talbot was.

Grammar rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

Simply put, I don't think 'here' is a 'parenthetical word'.

Suggest: He wasn't the hero here, Talbot was.

only have its surface marred. Though try as he might, the solider

soldier (sneaked past the spellchecker, eh?)
 

would overload the armor, rendering it twenty-million dollar
paperweight. 

Suggest: rendering it into a twenty-million dollar paperweight.

�They do tend to get in the way,� Gyrich seconded. �They need to be
controlled, if not banished outright. It�s why vigilantism cannot be

Nitpick: Suggest replacing "It's" with "This is"

voice. Most likely it was the Iron Rose. Major Glenn Talbot was not some
mindless automaton. 

Yeah, he's not. He's actually an arrogant, self-serving idiot.

Not wanting to see it, but unable to keep his mentally visualizing
everything, 

"unable to keep his mentally visualizing everything," sounds wrong. I don't know why, but it grates my ears when I read it aloud. Suggest: "unable to keep himself from mentally visualizing everything,"

�Hulk is hungry. Are there beans at the mansion? Hulk likes beans.�

�All the beans you can eat,� Hawkeye said.

�I�ll be leaving before that happens,� Daredevil assured him.

�Your super nose would be affected by that, wouldn�t it?� Captain Japan
jibed.

�At least I have a super power!� Daredevil snapped back.

Heh.

Oh, well you look at that. It's over. Awww. :P Thankfully, this is a rather standalone chapter without all that much need of prior knowledge of previous chapters (at least, the chapters that I've skipped). Mildly amusing chapter, and it's pretty good too. Again, this wasn't an extra special masterpiece, but you have said that not all the fics/chapters you write intended to be masterpieces. As such, as it is, it's quite good. The drama, to be sure, was exquisitely executed, with both themes from Marvel and the Mangaverse converging.

As usual, there lots of unfamiliar characters to me from anime I haven't watched, but they, at the very least, didn't make bore me to death because of flat-as-a-cardboard characterization. Fun factor was there. The cameos were also cool. I can't really do the cut-and-paste standard disclaimer at the end because nothing 'disclaimer worthy' has come up to make me rant until the C&C is larger than the chapter itself. :P Prose flowed reasonably well, most of the grammar mistakes are nitpicks and suggestions, and the content leaves me wanting more. In any case, I'll be off to C&C the next chapter.

Semi-standard disclaimer: In C&Cing, I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make errors in judgment. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the right to do so. ^_^


Ja ne,
Abdiel



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'