Sorry, but work was hectic... anyway, better late than never. ^_^
-----Original Message-----
From: Aaron Nowack [mailto:anowack@tulane.edu]
Sent: Wednesday, June 01, 2005 8:48 AM
To: Elsa Bibat
Cc: ffml@anifics.com
Subject: [C&C] Re: [fanfic][Dances][Naruto/SM] Akai Kage: Of Cats and Ramen
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Elsa Bibat wrote:
Daitsuchi Jiro, with a combination of luck, natural skill and personal
charisma, had overthrown the
order of his nation by gathering a military force that made him a force to
be reckoned with. The
Hidden Village of Rock could not stop him, still recovering from the
decimation of the Shinobi
Wars, nor could the daimyo of the Earth with his depleted milita.
You should move the "still recovering..." clause to immediately after
"Hidden Village of Rock" - otherwise it refers to "him."
Elsa: yep, missed that.
Declaring himself Shogun, Daitsuchi immediately marched on the capital at
the head of his peasant
army. It seemed that nothing could stop him from his path of conquest and
the continent would be
soon plunged again into another war.
"be soon plunged" - "soon be plunged"
Elsa: Actually that's intentional - I was aiming for sounding pedantic. ^_^
However, on the eve of the Shogun's triumph, fate would give the continent
a chance at peace. On
the steep approaches towards the mountain capital city of Yamakuma, the
Shogun was riding his
famous steed, Kurokaze, when he met his destiny in the form of a cat.
I would rearrange the sentence to be "The Shogun was riding his famous
steed, Kurokaze, on the steep approaches towards the mountain capital
city of Yamakuma when he met his destiny in the form of a cat."
Elsa: That's the historian trying to sound dramatic again. ^_^
We would never know the reasons why, but a black cat suddenly appeared out
of nowhere,
screeching and yowling in a manner that panicked even the great warhorse.
It was not even one
of the large mountain varieties that populated the region but was reported
as looking like one of
the ones bred fro house purposes to protect the grain stores.
"fro" - "for"
Maybe change to "but was reported as being a house cat like those bred
to protect the grain stores"?
Elsa: yep. Will change.
Of the feline cause of this accident, after the tumult at the death of
their leader, no sign was seen
by the Shogun's followers."
This sentence reads awkwardly to me. Perhaps, "After the tumult at the
death of their leader, the Shogun's followers could find no sign of the
feline cause of this accident."
Elsa: Hisorian dramatics again. ^_-
Ichiraku's Ramen was not exactly special in anyway, except for the
patronage of a certain
blonde-haired demon vessel.
"anyway" - "any way"
"blonde-haired" - "blond-haired", I think.
Elsa: Yep. Will fix.
Ichiraku's may have lost a customer when Uzumaki Naruto had left
for his training trip, but
his friends and acquaintances made up for the loss. The remaining members
of Konoha's Rookie
Twelve, as they were starting to be called, had made Ichiraku's Ramen and
Nikurei's Yakitori and
Hibachi as their official hangouts, mostly because of the large portions
they served to their clientele.
Hmm. This one's really a matter of taste, but the "Rookie Twelve"
designation seems off to me, as Neiji's team weren't rookies.
Elsa: Damn. Will change that to 'Konoha Twelve'
The blonde genin didn't want to think how much
damage would do when he had attained his full growth.
"damage would do" - "damage he would do"
Elsa: Will fix.
The young chuunin had recently returned from an independent mission with a
chuunin-level team yesterday.
I'd drop either "recently" or "yesterday"
Elsa: yeah, redundant. Thanks for noticing.
The Smokepot, as she had
come to call her laidback Jounin trainer, reasoned that coupled with her
Level Three Shintenshin she'd
be the perfect spy/undercover operative.
You need to add something to the sentence to be coupled with "Level
Three Shintenshin."
Perhaps "...coupled with her Level Three Shintenshin, acting training
would make her the perfect..."?
I'd change "spy/undercover" to just "undercover" as well.
Elsa: Thanks for catching those.
Hiyama Tsuyama was a cranky perfectionist that, in her younger
years, had somehow
managed to survive a crippling injury as a genin that ended her life as a
ninja and become one of the Fire
Country's most beloved actresses of the stage and screen.
I would change "somehow managed to survive" to just "survived"
Elsa: Hmmm... okay. It does sound a bit too long. I am _so_ rusty at this.
^_^
The cat leaped to the old man's shoulder at his gesture. Ino
blinked. That is one very
well-trained cat.
"That is" - "That was", I think.
Elsa: Yep. Will fix.
The blonde noted the slight outward contraction of fear around the
chuunin's puffy eyes.
The pink-haired kunoichi's reputation for ...experimentation with medical
chakra techniques had grown
by leaps and bounds in the past few months, ever since the exploding
hamster incident at the Academy.
She'd heard that the students who had witnessed that fiasco were _still_
taking counselling and
Iruka-sensei had been forced to politely ask the Hokage that Sakura always
have an escort when in the
vicinity of the Academy.
Heh.
Elsa: ^_-
The cat leaped from his shoulder to a conveniently placed garbage
can. Ichiraku bowed and
addressed it in a tone of respect.
"Master Tiger."
By any chance do you play Legend of the Five Rings?
Elsa: Started in Shadowlands and still kicking. ^_^ Go Toturi III!!!
"Alive is always better than dead, except if you're been totally
maimed.
"you're" - "you've"
It's certainly a very interesting crossover. I hope some of this was
helpful, and I look forward to seeing the next chapter.
Elsa: Thanks and hope I can finally slot in time for my writing. ^_^
Thanks for the comments and sorry for the lateness of the reply.
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