On Jun 11, 2005, at 4:51 PM, jlb9986@mailer.fsu.edu wrote:
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
-Recovered text attributed to Robert Frost
From before the breaking
Was it translated into the Old Tongue or is the fragment in an even
older language that only a very few scholars now understand?
And the Shadow fell upon the Land, and the World was riven stone from
stone. The oceans fled, and the mountains were swallowed up, and the
nations were scattered to the eight corners of the World. The moon was
as
blood, and the sun was as ashes. The seas boiled, and the living envied
the dead. All was shattered, and all but memory lost, and one memory
above all others, of him who brought the Shadow and the Breaking of the
World. And him they named Dragon.
-from Aleth nin Taerin alta Camora
The Breaking of the World.
Author unknown, the Fourth Age
The "brought the Shadow" is an odd phrase since one thing that is known
about Lews Therin Telamon is that he led the forces of Light against
the Shadow.
Be good,
And you will be lonesome.
-Mark Twain
Wanderer's Creed
Chapter 1: Travels
As the sun sank behind the trees two figures walked down an overgrown
lane. One, a young man no more than twenty dressed in a loose grey
tunic
and black pants while the other was a girl no more than nine and
similarly dressed. Both carried small packs on their backs and the boy
carried an odd looking white staff about 6 inches taller than himself.
�Mother, are we going to stop soon?�
Please use quotation marks with speech. It becomes much easier to
follow the story.
"One, a young man no more than twenty dressed in a loose grey tunic and
black pants while the other was a girl no more than nine and similarly
dressed." sounds clumsy and the use of "while" looks suspicious since
the following phrase is not a dependent clause. I suggest something
like "One was a young man ... and the other was a girl ...."
�I told you, the village is not more than another five miles, and you
need to call me father when I�m in this form.� The boy said with a hint
of exasperation.
"I'm" not "Im"
The girl frowned slightly, her mother was always more distant in her
male
form. She didn�t know why she spent so much time in it anyway. �Why?
You�re my mother.�
"You're" not "Youre"
�Because other people will ask questions that there are no easy
answers to.�
The girl pointedly looked around the forest and stared at her mother.
�What people?�
�Argh. Alright, so long as you can remember around people, have your
way.�
The girl smirked in victory; she was getting better at winning
arguments.
Thinking about how close they were to the village she got excited. It
had been nearly two weeks since they had seen another person and a
village would have lots of kids to play with. Sneaking a glance at her
mother she slowly removed her water flask. It was made out of some
strange transparent material, like glass, except that it was light and
didn�t break when you dropped it. It was one of her most prized
possessions; mother had said it came from the old times. Unscrewing
the
cap she pretended to take a drink then suddenly splashed her mother
with
it. Causing her to transform into her proper form.
There should be a comma after "village" in the second sentence, another
after "mother" in the fourth sentence, and one after "cap" in the
second to last sentence. The last sentence is not a sentence and
should be part of the preceding one.
�Whatdya do that for?� The short redhead that had replaced the boy
exclaimed as she went about readjusting her clothes and pack.
�You�ve been a boy all day, besides how am I ever going to get a little
brother if you go around the village as a boy?� The girl said
mischievously but not without a little hope, it would be nice to have a
brother for company.
"You've" not "Youve" and the first sentence of speech should end with
"day". Using quotation marks to denote speech and what I believe to
be proper punctuation, the girl's reply should read -
"You've been a boy all day. Besides, how am I ever going to get a
little brother if you go around the village as a boy?" the girl said
mischievously, but not without a little hope, "It would be nice to have
a brother for company."
�Akane-chan, you know what I�ve told you about trying to set me up.
Your
father was the one exception and I still needed quite a bit of drink to
make it.� Ranma sighed, �get drunk once in almost two-thousand years
and
look what it gets me.� Glancing down at her daughter she thought, �but
if I had it to do over I would do it again.� After only nine years the
little girl had changed her outlook more than the previous thousand.
She
had been on the verge of suicidal depression when she had come to that
small fishing village a decade ago. Even her own formidable will had
eroded under so long alone. She had gotten truly trashed at the towns
spring festival and for once had not decked the man that had started to
come on to her.
"I've" not "Ive"
Similar to a preceding comment, proper use of quotation marks,
punctuation, and correct sentence form is preferable. Assume this
criticism applies for the entire chapter.
Just how old is Ranma? Has she lived through the entire Age of Legends
as well as however long in the past is the modern 20th century? IIRC,
the novels take place considerably more than two thousand years after
the Breaking of the World. Much of the chronology was lost during the
Trolloc Wars.
She didn�t remember most of that night which she thanked god for every
day, but when she found that she couldn�t transform back a week later
when she left, she suspected the reason and was oddly thrilled at the
thought. �It was loneliness; it was killing me when nothing else
could.
The thought of a child, someone to take care of and teach and talk to
was
to nice a dream to be spoiled by an ancient notion of manliness.� She
idly wondered if whatever power the wishbringer had used to grant this
long life had somehow arranged for her to get pregnant to circumvent
her
suicidal thoughts. Not that it really mattered but she preferred to
think of Akane-chan as one of those rare beneficial quirks of fate,
that
if she had something else for lunch that day wouldn�t have happened.
�What was father like?� Akane asked suddenly interested.
�I didn�t know him very well, only a week, but he was a good man. Kind
to a fault, tried all week to convince me to stay after our night
together. Even after a belted him when I woke up the next morning. He
was hard working; he had a small fishing boat that he spent all day on
to
make his living. You have his eyes; they were that same intense light
brown as yours. They were inspired me to name you Akane.�
�What do you mean mom?�
Akane noticed an expression work it�s way onto her mother�s face she
had
never seen there before, something both happy and sad, wistful. �A
long
time ago I fell deeply in love with a girl, the two things that I lost
my
heart to most were her smile and her eyes. The day you were born I
knew
you had both and I lost my heart all over again.�
Akane smiled brightly and wrapped her arms around her mother�s waist
and
leaned into her. �I love you too Mom.� She then processed everything
her mother had said to her. �Her mother in love?� It was a strange
and
beautiful concept to her, one that far outweighed the slight weirdness
that it was a girl that her mother had loved. She resolved right there
that she would see her mother in love again if it killed her.
�Can you tell me about the other Akane mom?�
Ranma looked down into her daughter�s eyes and promptly squashed the
sadness that threatened to overtake her in that moment. �Some other
time
okay Achan? Were almost there and that is a long story.�
�You promise?�
�Yes.�
�Okay then.� And with that the two resumed their walk into the fading
light.
The sun was just beginning to set when Ranma and Akane reached the edge
of the small village of Edmonds Field. There were a few people making
preparations for tomorrow�s Bel Tine�s before the last of the light
fled
into the gathering darkness. The village was sufficiently small that
it
was easy to spot the welcoming site of the Winespring Inn. A kind man
in
Devin�s Ride had recommended as a comfortable place for a young woman
and
her little sister to spend the night. Ranma had to admit that the
older
Akane got, the harder it became for people to accept that she was her
daughter. The gentle light and heavenly smell emanating from the
building drew Ranma and her daughter like moths to a flame and soon
they
were standing in the cozy common room of the inn. They were greeted a
moment later by a slender older woman that had slightly graying hair
tied
into a braid much like Ranma�s own.
"tomorrow's" - possessive form
�Well then, what�s this? It looks like everyone in the land is
deciding
to pay us a visit this evening. My name is Marin Al�vere What can I do
you young lady?� The woman said pleasantly as she looked the two of
them
over. Ranma noted that several other people in the common room looked
up
from their tables to look. Most notably a woman nearly as short as her
wearing a fine blue dress and flanked by a man that to Ranma screamed
�Warder!� as if he were wearing a sign post. �What the hell is an Aes
Sedai doing in a hick town like this, and obviously trying not to be
recognized as such?� Deciding to keep her guard up she turned a
pleasant
smile to the mistress of the Inn.
"Marin al'Vere", "Inn" should not be capitalized.
�My name is Ranma, and this is my daughter Akane.� Ranma said as she
drew her daughter in front of her. �We have been traveling for quite
some time and a nice man from Devin�s Ride said that this was the best
Inn.�
"Deven Ride", and again "Inn" should not be capitalized.
Marin smiled at the compliment before frowning slightly, �Well I don�t
know about that, but we manage. However, you hardly look old enough to
be away from your own mother let alone be a mother yourself. You can
hardly be more than 16 summers and the young lass there must be close
to nine.�
"don't"
Ranma grimaced slightly as she delved into what was becoming a quite
well
practiced speech. �I know I don�t look it, but I am 25. Akane-chan
here
is nine just as you said. I had her very young its true, but I have
always looked much younger than my age. While it is trying at times
not
to be seen as an adult now I look forward to looking ten years younger
than my age as I get older.� As expected Marin let out a hearty laugh
and smiled.
"don't"
�That�s true enough dear, well we have a few rooms left available but
they are not our finest. Is your husband stabling your horse?�
"That's"
Ranma grimaced slightly before responding, �I�m afraid that it�s just
me
and Akane-chan. I�m sort of a wandering healer if you will. I plan on
staying for a least a week, how much would a room for that time cost?�
"I'm"
Ranma and Akane sat at a small corner table and ravenously dug into the
food piled their, Mistress Al�vere had scoffed when Ranma had paid
double
for food portions, looking at the two slight girls. But after three
servings she was no longer laughing over it. Meanwhile Moiraine and
Lan
examined them from across the room while talking quietly.
"there"
�She obviously is a wilder Lan, any Aes Sedai a day out of the tower
could tell that. And if she is telling the truth about her age then it
is obvious that she is quite powerful at that. Her daughter looks to
be
only a few years younger than herself.�
�That�s true enough Moiraine, I would also say that she has had some
bad
experience with Aes Sedai before. She became nervous the moment she
laid
eyes on us, and has watched us since, though she has tried to hide it.
She obviously knows what we are and is none to keen on being in the
same
inn as us.�
"That's"
Either "some bad experiences" (plural) or "a bad experience".
�I must speak with her Lan. She described herself as a wandering
healer
and if so I am extremely interested if that healing includes more than
herb lore as I suspect it does.�
Lan looked agitated a moment before continuing, �Moiraine be careful
with
that one, she has eyes that tell me she is a lot older than what she
claims and a bearing that does not match her slight frame. She has
teeth
and wont be afraid to use them if she feels cornered.� Moiraine merely
nodded as she continued to watch the girl from the corner of her eye.
"won't" What is it about you and contractions?
All conversation in the inn sudden stopped as the subject of their
conversation stood up suddenly, throwing her chair back into the wall
behind her eyes seemed to glaze over for a moment before suddenly
taking
on a crystal clarity as cold as the winter itself. She pulled her
daughter up beside her and quickly whispered something in her ear and
then sent her scrambling towards the kitchen.
"suddenly", not "sudden". You use "suddenly" (including the
aforementioned correction) three times in that first sentence. Find
some synonyms.
"... the wall behind her eyes seemed ..." is wrong. You have "her"
doing double duty. I suggest breaking the sentence into two with the
first one ending with "her" and the second one starting with "Her".
�EVERYONE! Please get into the cellar here quickly. NOW!� Any that
thought about objecting were silenced as that glacial gaze bore into
them
like a raptor sizing up her prey. Moiraine had jumped to her feet when
she saw the girl stand and as she turned her senses outward her eyes
widened in horror.
�Do as she says! Trollocs are coming! Lan follow me!� As Moiraine
and
Lan dashed out the door they noticed that the girl Ranma was following
closely behind. Moiraine gasped as she saw the staff the girl was
carrying dissolve into a blizzard of paper and then reform into a
sheild
and sword. She clearly felt the one power being used when the paper
reformed, but what was odd was she couldn�t feel it being channeled by
the girl. The mystery would have to wait however as the girl darted
around her and Lan and charged into a group of Trollocs like a possed
Aiel. Moiraine quickly pulled out the angrel she carried and began to
strike down Trollocs in support of the girl as Lan himself engaged one
coming charging towards them from the other direction.
"shield"
"One Power"
"possessed"
"angreal"
Cut "himself" from the last sentence.
Even as Moiraine battled she noted in facination how the sword, which
she
knew was created with paper, cleanly cut through armor and flesh alike,
and the sheild withstood every blow leveled against it. What was even
more amazing than that however was the speed and grace the girl used
while dispactching her foes. �She could be Aiel, the way she moves,
but
the weapons are an odd choice if she is.�
"shield"
"dispatching"
So this fic is also a crossover with "R.O.D." as well? Ranma "The
Paper" Saotome.
I must continue to stress the need for proper and appropriate use of
quotation marks, punctuation, and correct sentence grammar. I also
advise using a spellchecker.
I hope you will explain why Akane, despite her mother's opinion,
doesn't understand why Ranma sees her male form as her proper form.
Ranma has never told her anything of her past?
Overall, is isn't a bad start, but it lacks excitement. Take a look at
"Differing Powers" by Louis-Philippe Giroux for a well written fic
covering the same event.
- whimsy
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