Thanks for your c&c.

On 6/7/05, rgorman@telusplanet.net <rgorman@telusplanet.net> wrote:

Quoting Loki-L <loki.laufeyjarson.ffml@gmail.com>:

What kind of adventures were there to be had in such a location?
There was
little hope of finding anything interesting inside. Kodachi had
hoped for
some secret temple hidden in the jungle or something similar. She
had not
expected to end up within a few hours walking distance of her home.
Here
was little chance of encountering savages, highpriests or deadly

high priests

I made it two words.
 

It was like stepping out into a fairy tale book. A big European
castle had
been build inside the empty shell of the office building. It was
like
everything Kodachi could ever have hoped for. There were turrets to
keep
princesses incarcerated if they proved uncooperative or had been
prophesied to bring doom at their birth.

High walls with arrow slits and battlements on top. She could
almost see
the defenders pouring hot oil on the invaders trying to climb those
walls
and shooting burning arrows at their siege engines. They even had a
moat
surrounding the castle.

Giddily Kodachi strolled to the open drawbridge to take a closer
look.

Kodachi would probably circle around to the rear of the castle to avoid
the "guards" placed at the entrance to discourage Akane from doing a
runner.  Besides, if she walked up to the open drawbridge, she'd be
able to see right into the courtyard where Akane and Ranma are.

Good point! I will have to rewrite this part to make it clear that Kodachi
can't see the courtyard from where she is fishing. 

From the wooden structure she peered into the murky depths of the
water
surrounding the castle. There was little to see.

She took out the bento she had brought along and selected a small
piece
of meat. She tied it to the end of her ever present ribbon and
cautiously
lowered it into the water.

Nothing happened. No hissing or blubbering, no hectic activity as
if the
water around her bait suddenly had started boiling with hundred
little
bites, no green logs suddenly blinking sleepily and taking course
towards
her under their own power, no fins coming for the meat with a
cheerful
smile, nothing at all.

You know in order to have any depth at all that moat would have to
extend down to the third floor.  Which basically means that the whole
castle is sitting in the middle of a hole that has been cut around it.
Put a bit of pressure on the load bearing girders on the third floor
underneath and the whole thing would fall through.  Let's hope Ryoga
stays away.

The whole idea is a tiny bit unrealistic, but this is Ranma where people
can jump tall buildings in a single leap. So I am taking a bit of license
with the physics here. I might add some more about the 'below ground'
levels of the building in the revised version.

Disappointed she reeled her improvised fishing gear back in.
Whoever lived
here apparently was not hiding any surprises in the moat. Some
people just
were not good with pets.

But he kept some very disciplined servants. Kodachi had, while
trying to
keep out of view, seen guards standing to attention all over the
place.
She had heard of that type of guards. They were not allowed to move

type of guard.

Right.

at all
and usually were made fun of by tourists. Kodachi did not see the
security
value of soldiers stiff from standing to attention for hours, but
she
could easily see how it would be fun to have them stand motionless
in full
armor in the blazing sun until they keeled over unconscious.

Speaking of which, I suppose that from the outside the building has
mirrored windows?  You might want to mention that in Kodachi's first
impression.

Yes. That is the way I pictured the building. I will add this to Kodachi's
first impressions. I might also add a bit more description to Ranma's
first visit to the castle to make the whole thing clearer from the outset.

Clearly the lord of this castle valued loyalty and the readiness to
follow
orders above intelligence and instinct of self-preservation in his
servants. Kodachi approved.

Without being seen she managed to climb and swing herself to an

Careful to avoid being seen

Right. This way it makes more sense when writing it from Kodachi's POV.

alcove in
one of the towers that overlooked the inner courtyard. Squatting in
the
shadows like an exotic gargoyle she observed what was happening
down
below.

Two figures could be seen slowly circling each other on the
cobblestones.

excess verbiage

she observed two figures slowly circling each other on the cobblestones
below.

I wanted to sepearte Kodachi's action from the events she was
observing, but the way it turned out really does read a bit funny. I might
change this.

One of them matched the description of Akane's masked abductor. The
armor,
cape and the iron mask made him look very much like the sort of
swashbuckling hero or villain Kodachi had always hoped to meet. The
only
thing missing to complete the image straight from Dumas or Errol
Flynn was
a weapon.

Maybe Ranma should have kept one of the pikestaves from the guards
to complete his image.

Ranma will pick up a weapon later on.

Not that he would need a bow, foil or musket against the adversary
he was
currently facing. His opponent was obviously inferior in every
conceivable
way. The body language of the man in the iron mask was saying this
clearly.

The opponent was garbed similarly fantastic. Unmistakably female

was in similarly fantastic garb.

That does sound better. 

she wore
a strange outfit that included a veil, a collar and shackles on
wrists and
ankles. As Symbols of enslavement and submission they appeared to

symbols

Right!
 

clash
with the frilly ribbons running down her arms and legs. Those
adornments
would have looked more at home on the sort of silly magical girls
that her
brother liked to watch on TV. Kodachi was not a fan of such
plebeian
entertainment.

Now, now.  I bet Kodachi loved Princess Ribbon when she was a little
girl.

You won't get het to admit that though.

The outfit together with her proudly martial and aggressive bearing
made
the female fighter look like some sort of harem warrior or a
fighting
slave of a Pythagorean world.

Pythagorean?  Gee, and all this time I just thought of him a
mathematician.  I guess I was being obtuse.

This is a far too obscure reference that might be changed or deleted.

Pythagoras in addition to coming up with the a-squared plus b-squared
equals c-sqaured thing also was the first to postulate the possible
existence of a counter-earth on the other side of the sun. I am fairly
ceratain that John Norman took the name for his counter-earth from
PythaGORas.

Kodachi was deeply intrigued.

She could hear the man in the iron mask speaking now: "I declared

A comma would be sufficient.

I Changed it into a comma.

that I
would consider allowing you to partake of my wisdom and experience
in the
art of fighting when you were able to understand my lessons, but
you are
not yet ready to benefit from any lesson I might deign to give you,
my
future bride."

The Iron Mask, as Kodachi had nicknamed him in her mind, was a man
after
Kodachi's taste; strong and forceful. So self assured, his

self-assured

added a hyphen
 

The fact that somehow the skirt and top of the veiled girl seemed
to have
become shorter as he said this only confirmed Kodachi's theory. She
just
did not understand just how the girl managed to modify her clothing
to
show of more of her body.

Through rigorous study of Martial Arts Strip-Tease, of course.

Don't tell Ranma about such things.

Kodachi was pleased to notice that he also possessed a delightful
sense of
humor compatible to her own -- something that every girl looked for

comparable to
compatible with

I changed it to "compatible with".

in a
potential partner. She did not know how he had done this to Akane.
Unlike
her delusional brother Kodachi knew that such things as magic sadly
did
not exist in real life, no matter how much she wished them to. But
perhaps
if there were hidden castles in the middle of Tokyo there might

Then again, perhaps if there were

Yes, phrasing it like this might work better.

also be a
"foul sorcerer" right here. She had no prejudices like her sibling
and
certainly did not object to anyone who would bring a bit of magic
into her
life.

Kodachi watched on as the masked man walked away leaving a bound

away,

I added a comma.
 

Akane
behind.

Akane, this Kodachi knew, was truly in love with Ranma Saotome.

and he returned her love.

(If she was in love with him but not vice versa, Kodachi would
have a shot.)

Good point! I changed it to make it mutual.

Somebody
would have to be blind with denial and delusion not to see this.
That
meant two things for Kodachi: 1 her pursuit of Ranma was unlikely
to ever
succeed and 2 the masked man's vowing of Akane was equally doomed.

two things to Kodachi:

1.  Her pursuit of Ranma was unlikely to ever meet with success.

and

2.  The masked man's wooing of Akane was equally doomed.

I changed this too.
 

Ranma
was taken and the Iron Mask wasn't. The poor deer would need

Bambi Wildpferd?

More like a wild horse than a deer. I changed it into dear.

somebody who
would dry his tears in the near future and it might just be her.

While Kodachi was musing on her future a new person had entered

That had to be a fair bit of musing even if Ranma was wearing his
Ashes costume underneath his Wildpferd costume.  Kodachi must have
been pretty close to busting out laughing or going down to taunt Akane.

I rephrased it to indicate that some time had passed.

the
courtyard. She too was wearing a veil, but from her meek demeanor
and her
maid-like outfit Kodachi quickly concluded that she was merely a

outfit,

I added the comma.

servant.
The girl was pulling a small handcart after her towards the still
bound
Akane.

"Miss Akane, there you are," the servant exclaimed, "the Prince

the servant exclaimed.  "The Prince told me that he left you here."

Right!

told me
that he left you here."

Kodachi's opinion of the Iron Mask went up another notch upon
learning
that he was genuine prince.

a genuine prince

I added the "a".

"You really should control your temper better around Prince
Wildpferd or
he will never start to teach you, miss Akane," the maid chided

Miss Akane

Right!
 

her.

With a grunt that spoke volumes on the maids physical weakness she

weakness,

Right!

hefted
Akane on the low four-wheeled cart.

onto

Right, "onto" sounds better.

"But don't worry, Little Ashes, will get you back to your quarters

Little Ashes will get

I deleted the comma.

in no
time." The maid announced as she carted Akane off into the interior

time,"

Right!

of the
castle.

But Kodachi did not care. Her new love had a name: "Wildpferd", a
name
that held promises of untamed strength and struck a familiar cord

chord

Right!

deep in
Kodachi's soul.

Kodachi would have to proceed careful in winning his heart.

                             * **  ***  ** *

                Part 16: Discoveries and Headaches


Kodachi decided to explore the castle before proceeding. Akane
Tendou was
in no apparent immediate danger and it would be prudent to gather

seemed to be in no immediate

Yes, this is better.

more
information before deciding on a plan of action.

As she cautiously entered on of the doorways leading out of the

one

Right

courtyard,
Kodachi mused how glad she was that she had decided to come to
rescue
Akane. Not that Kodachi thought that it would be a good idea to
rescue her
at this point, neither Ranma nor any of his other suitors and
their
hangers-on had appeared yet, so it would be a waste of a good
adventure
to do it all alone. But she could learn the lay of the castle and
gather
some intelligence for later. She would find the routes where all
the traps
and guards were so that she could steer the group accordingly
later. It
would really not do to miss a good team-building exercise just
because
they accidentally charged down the corridor without the falling
floor-tiles and moving walls.

Heh.  Kodachi's funny.

Glad that this did not end up being too silly.

Kodachi also wondered what she would do after Akane had been freed.
The
prince did seem like a very interesting fellow and after the rescue
he
would be single again.

unattached

Yes, that might be a better way of putting it.

Except that he did not. Instead of giving any resistance to being
bound he
let himself be dragged towards the railing toppled down over it
towards a
shocked and unprepared Kodachi.

Give that mannequin a medal!

It was a well trained mannequin.
 

                             * **  ***  ** *

Meanwhile Ranma in her disguise of Ashes the maid had just reached
Akane's
cell with her cargo. It had taken some time to get the handcart
with Akane
on it down to the dungeons, but luckily enough it had fit very
neatly into
the dumbwaiter so that she did not have to brave the stairs.

Well there wouldn't be much point to a handcart that didn't fit into
the dumbwaiter.

The handcart might not have been intended for use in the
dumbwaiter.

The tomboy did not show any signs of regaining her mobility any
time soon.
If anything being carted off like a piece of luggage had made her

anything,

I added the comma.

even
more angry then before.

Just as Ranma was about to unload her fiancee she heard a distant
female
shriek followed by a pair of dull thumps. Leaving Akane on the

a dull thump.

(The mannequin would hammer Kodachi right into the ground instead of
hitting her and then her falling a moment later.)

I changed it. I was thinking that the two would fall at the same speed, but
I realize that I was getting into roadrunner and coyote territory here if I look
at this to closely and changed into a single thump.
 

handcart
in her cell Ranma sprinted towards the origin of the noise.

delete "on the handcart"

I deleted the handcart.

What she found gave her pause. Kodachi Kunou was lying unconscious
in the
courtyard with one of the mannequin-guards on top of her.

They had been found! Ranma should have known that her time alone
with
Akane could not last. Sooner or later the others would find them
and
destroy everything.

I'd suggest "ruin" instead of "destroy".

Good idea. Ruin works better.

After checking that Kodachi was all right and clearing away the
dummy-guard. Ranma quickly searched the castle for further
intruders and
then in a fit of inspiration phoned the Neko-Hanten and Uc-chan's.
Both
times she hung up without saying anything after hearing the girl's
voice.

Aw.  Too bad.  If Ranma had asked them whether Kodachi had talked to
them (to find out whether she'd told them anything or vice versa), then
that would start them wondering where Kodachi was.  From there the
conclusion that she was the next to be kidnapped would be a natural one.

They will eventually seek out the castle in their own time. I just did not
want to hurry things by going to fast.

It didn't occur to me before but Ranma would have to wear those hair
dying gloves to do the shampoo thing on Akane and Kodachi.

I will have to mention something like this to explain why Ranma did not
change in the showers. Perhaps some water-proof soap could help here.

"No Ranma! But I don't need him I will enter that stupid bridal

him.  I will

Right!
 

"I would never do something like that." Akane defended herself,
"besides
the Prince is looking to collect an entire harem, so just because
you are
selected also would not mean I am free to go."

herself.  "Besides, the Prince is looking to collect an entire harem,
so even if he picked you, that wouldn't mean I'd be free to go."

I changed it. This sounds better.

"It is part of my training" Akane explained.

training,"

I added the missing comma.

Ranma thought that Kodachi had meant the veil.

delete "had".  Hell, delete the whole sentence.  That way you don't
have to do an unnecessary shift of perspective from Kodachi to Ranma.

Actually the whole scenes was supposed to be from Ranma's pov. I
added Ranma's internal comment on the misunderstanding to remind
the reader of that because Ranma had been silent for too long.

"And I take it you exposing yourself like I have seen earlier is
too part
of your training to become a harem girl." Kodachi wondered.

yourself the way you did earlier is also part of your training to
become a harem girl?"

Yes, this works better. It is still understood that she saw them.

Ranma had felt like they were being watched earlier, but had
dismissed it.
Akane blushed and started to defend herself: "I am not training to
become
a member of his harem. I am training to defeat him. It was part of
my
training to control my temper...."

"Well if you insist on going though with this then you will need a
chaperone. As your friend I have no choice, but to stay here with
you and
keep an eye on you for your own good. It could hurt you reputation

your

Right!

if it
were known that you lived here all alone with a man." Kodachi
warned.

Fortunately Kodachi has no particular need to keep her story straight
or remember whether she's playing at being Akane's enemy or her friend.
Akane might remark on the inconsistency, though.

Everybody that know her probaly has gotten used to Kodachi's little
'inconsitencies' by now and Akane has never really been very clear on
the distinction between rivals and enemies who attack you and friends
that you help if they have a problem. I might add some resigned thoughts
by Ranma to make it clear.

Ranma was surprised to realize that she was feeling angry on behalf
of
Ashes and the other non-existent servants and guards in the castle
for
being dismissed like that.

Well it's not like they'll keep Wildpferd from molesting Akane if he
feels so inclined.

Yes, but Ranma might not see that and she probably is mostly unhappy
that Kodachi ignores Ashe's existence while she is with them in same
room.

Kodachi turned to address Ranma who was still in her Ashes costume:
"I
will be staying until the tournament. I expect a room for me to be
readied
close to Akane Tendo's quarters."

Ranma could only nod dumbly struck speechless by the way the
situation
had suddenly gotten all out of control."

Stray quotation mark

Deleted it.

                             * **  ***  ** *

              Part 17: Good Morning Kodachi

Robin Williams:  Good Mooorning Ko-da-chi!

Something like that.

Ranma hoped that today would be a better day than yesterday. It
had
started out great with Akane managing to keep her temper for an
astonishing long time in the sparing match with the prince, but
then
Kodachi had made an appearance and before Ranma could send the
crazy
gymnast away she had been seen by Akane.

Delete recap of previous chapter.  No longer needed.

Yes I will trim this part down a bit.

Somehow Akane had convinced herself that Kodachi was now a fellow
prisoner.

Akane's conclusion is perfectly reasonable.

Ranma is probably not used to Akane drawing reasonable conclusions.

She seemed genuinely happy to have a familiar face around

her
even if it meant that another girl had lost her liberty and faced
the
prospect of getting married to a total pervert.

Kodachi had made it seem like staying a prisoner had been her idea
and
like she had any choice in that matter.

Which of course is an entirely accurate assessment of the situation
although it might seem to Akane and Ranma that Kodachi is merely
putting a bold face on a potentially awkward situation.

Yeah.

She considered herself a

guest who
would keep Akane company.

Ranma considered Kodachi a nuisance and was going to encourage her
to try
to escape.

One of the things Ranma had done was giving her the worst cell in
Akane's
corner of the dungeon. Small and damp with only a hard cot for
furniture
and lots of chains and shackles bolted to the walls for
decoration.

In short, Akane's old room.

There probably are many like it in the castle. It is a big dungeon.

Kodachi had accepted it without protest. Finally Ranma had been
forced to
chain her to the wall, but 'accidentally' drop the key for her
chain
within her reach. She also had not locked the cell door.

This scene might be worth actually writing out just to watch Kodachi
bullying Ashes into chaining her up.  Thinking about it, it would be
almost impossible to chain up Kodachi securely, given the anorexic
build and limberness of a teenage champion gymnast.  Ranma probably
wouldn't have to bother leaving Kodachi the key.

I might go into that a bit more.

As Ranma, in her disguise as Ashes, brought Kodachi her breakfast
consisting of bread and water she really hoped that the gymnast had
taken
the chance to escaped.

What Ranma saw upon entering the cell was quite unexpected. Not
only was
Kodachi still there, but she was chained upside down on the wall.
When
Ranma had left her only her wrist had been connected to the wall
with a
long chain.

While Ranma was standing there staring at the display. Kodachi
quickly
worked to undo her shackles. She must have chained herself up and
kept
the key in her hand for reasons Ranma could not fathom.

After the last lock was opened Kodachi landed in a handstand and
gracefully righted herself with a flip towards Ranma.

"Finally!" she exclaimed as she took her meal out of Ranma's
hands.

"I have been expecting breakfast since sunrise," she told Ranma
pointing
at the tiny window through which only little daylight filtered to
illuminate the cell.

"The room service here really leaves a lot to be desired. I hope
for you
that this is at least low-carb and spring water," she added
gesturing at
her meal.

Low carb?  It's bread.  Maybe Kodachi should scold Ashes for not
bringing her multigrain.

There is low-carb bread, at least I have seen something advertised as
such. I wasn't really supposed to make much sense anyway.

Ranma was still too confused to give a meaningful answer. Kodachi
had
chained herself up in her cell out of boredom and now she accepted
having
to eat bread and water as natural, but somehow still managed to
find fault
with the quality of her meal.

Really, if Ashes was a real person, Kodachi would be doing a sterling
job of getting her accustomed to accepting Kodachi as being in
authority over her.

Asserting her superiority and authority is probably just something that
Kodachi does on automatic.

Kodachi finished her breakfast before Ranma could finish digesting
this
strange information. She handed Ranma back the empty glass and
plate and
imperiously told the maid that she was dismissed.

Ranma fled the cell and threw the door closed behind her making
sure not
to lock it. At this point Ranma did not care if Kodachi told the
whole
world about Ranma's hideout if only she would go away.

You know it would make sense if Ranma did actually try to lock up
Kodachi on the previous day just until he could decide what to do
about her.  After all, if she wandered around she might find out
about the mannequins or go home and tell her brother about the neat
castle.  Since in fact Kodachi doesn't get out of her cell in the
middle of the night and go wandering around, and that's what I'd expect
her to do once she got bored playing with the chains, maybe the door
should be locked.

I will expand a bit on Ranma's plans to let Kodachi escape.

And if she did stay Ranma would have to find a way to minimize

If she did

Deleted the and.

contact
with her. Making Kodachi uncomfortable enough to get her to run
away was
obviously not going to be as easy as Ranma had thought on account
of
insane unpredictability.

                             * **  ***  ** *

                  Part 18: The Mistresses Apprentice


Ranma had decided to start the day with a training session by
Mistress
Severa. Thanks to Kodachi's arrival they had not done any training
last
evening. Ranma rationalized that changing around Akane's routine
would
keep her from falling into a rote and teach her to be more

rut

Right.

flexible,
but the real reason was that Ranma was looking forward to working
off
some of the Kodachi-caused frustrations on Akane.

delete "of the"

Okay.

Through a two-way mirror Ranma could normally watch Akane's
stretching
and warm up exercises while she struggled with her costume.

Normally, as Ranma struggled with her costume she could watch
Akane's stretching and warm-up exercises.

I changed it.

It

usually helped her get in the right mood for playing the naughty
and
forward Severa, but usually Akane was alone in the gym bending and
stretching in the nude.

A voice could be heard complaining in the distance: "...I am aware
of the etymological roots of the word gymnasium, but I see no
reason..."

It sounded like Akane was trying to explain her training outfit to
Kodachi.

The voices got to quiet to understand for a while until the two

too

Right.

girls
entered the gym.

"... just try it, it's just us girls here and I promise you, you
will
feel really free and unrestricted," Akane was saying in a tone
that
indicated that she had just won an argument.

"I feel naked," Kodachi simply countered.

A normal reaction from Kodachi.  Will wonders never cease?

It won't last long.

And as Ranma looked up she could see that Kodachi was feeling
naked
because she in fact was.

Ranma did not want Kodachi to be naked if she had to attend the
training at all. A naked Kodachi would just distract Ranma from
his
task of training a naked Akane. Ranma tried not to look at just
how
distracting Kodachi could be as the girls began warming up.

While Ranma concentrated on getting into her leathers, Kodachi
naturally
gravitated to the area of the gym that was set up to accommodate
gymnastics and ballet.

Hm.  The real Wildpferd must have a lot in common with Ranma's
fiction.

The mirror might also have been part of the original gym equipment.

She did a few stretches on mat that showed

of
her flexibility, before she came to stand next to the mirror.

The way she speculatively compared the section of the mirror that

examined

No, I kept compared. It does sound a bit odd, but I want her to compare
the section with the rest of the mirror.

Ranma
was hiding behind with the rest made Ranma fear that she had been
discovered, but after a moment Kodachi continued as if nothing had
happened.

Her posing was interrupted as Akane's trainer entered through a
side
door. Akane had told her about her 'mistress', but Kodachi had
assumed
that this was just the usual half-joking attitude that any student
had
towards a demanding instructor.

Akane:  She's perverted and sadistic.  You've got a lot in common.

Hah!

Seeing the woman now Kodachi realized that it had been a bit more
than
that. Severa was clad from head to toe in skintight black leather.
The
only area not covered by her suit was her face and that was hidden
mostly by a pair of dark glasses and a black veil. She looked
imposing
and intimidating. Standing in the middle of the room she exuded an
aura of danger and sexuality.

Kodachi stared in fascination. The items displayed in the
utility-belt
slung around Severa's hips indicated that descriptions like cruel,
sadistic and perverted had perhaps not been exaggerations on
Akane's
part.

"I see you have brought a friend, little one," Severa spoke, "are

little one," Severa said.  "Are you afraid of being alone with me?"

 
I changed it.

you
afraid of being alone with me?"

Before Akane had a chance to answer her Severa directed her
attention to
Kodachi. And as she felt more than saw Severa's eyes roaming over
her
body and sizing her up Kodachi became acutely aware of her
nakedness.
She had to fight the urge to cover herself with her hands and tried
to
return the stare.

Really, Ranma might see Kodachi as the solution to his roleplaying
problem.  Having a third party watching would in theory make him
self-conscious enough that he won't get carried away.  Also, having
her there watching the entertainment means she isn't wandering around
the castle unsupervised and getting a good look at the guards.

Yes I could add something like this. 
 

"This is training for Akane," Severa finally said "I don't have the
time
to waste on training another girl, but you can stay and watch if
you
want. As long as you can keep silent and out of the way you can
attend
my lessons to give your friend moral support."

(Not severe enough.  I suggest:)

but you may stay and watch as long you keep silent and don't try
to interfere."

(which fits a bit better with Kodachi's response.)

I changed the wording.

"I would not dream of hampering my friend's training by interfering
in
your instructions," Kodachi quickly assured her, "perhaps I could

assured her.  "Perhaps I could

Right.

"Yes, mistress!" Kodachi agreed smiling.

Mistress

I really thought that I had caught all of these.
 

Kodachi was happy. Mistress Severa was everything Kodachi had
always tried
to be: sexy and alluring, strong and dangerous, respected and in
control.

Not to mention humiliating Akane and getting Akane to like it.

That too.

When Ranma saw the smile on Kodachi's face she felt like slapping
herself.
The plan had been to get rid of Kodachi not to involve her further.
It was
Akane's fault; had the girl not looked so uncomfortable at the idea
of
Kodachi serving as an assistant trainer, Ranma would never have
agreed to
it. Now it was to late to take it back without loosing face.

losing

Right!
 

Of course the easiest way to justify Ranma's decision is to have Akane
actually speak up.  If Akane starts to angrily say something like
"Kodachi, if you think--", then Ranma has to let Kodachi to it just
to maintain control over the room.

I had Akane look nervous and fidget when it was suggested, but I
might add some more if her reaction was not strong enough.

Ranma would have to make the most of it. There were plenty of

best of it

Yes, best is better.
 

demeaning
jobs for Kodachi; fetching towels, lugging around weights and
setting up
machines. This could actually work out in Ranma's favor. If Kodachi
did
all the dirty work, Ranma would have more time to concentrate on
Akane.
And if Kodachi got to annoying Ranma could always tie her up and

too

Right!

Akane laid down on her back and Kodachi stepped over her

her

? I added a comma here if that is what you ment.
 

positioning
one foot on either side of her thighs facing in the direction of
her feet.
Then instead of kneeling down, Kodachi simply bend over at the
waist and
took hold of Akane's ankles.

Ranma suppressed a groan. In addition to showing off her
flexibility the
move also showed off Kodachi's crotch and rear. The naughty grin on
her
face told Ranma that Kodachi knew very well what she was doing and
that
presenting Severa with a view of her shaved pubes and pink rosebud
was her
intention.

Ranma would have to be looking at Kodachi's face in the mirror to see
all that.  Of course that position also means that Akane is going have
her face pretty much right into Kodachi's butt every time she sits up.

Yes, I added the mirror instead of trying to describe a contortion that would
allow Ranma to directly see her face.

In the dungeon Ranma put first Kodachi in her cell and then a few
doors
down locked Akane in hers. She was on her way to the Kitchen

RanDom CApitAlisation

I changed it.

contemplating
what extravagant meals she could attempt with all the time on her
hands
when she was rudely yanked of her path.

"Not so fast servant girl," Kodachi demanded.

Not so fast, servant girl,"

Right! 

The crazed gymnast had let herself out of her unlocked cell and
taken hold
of Ranma's shoulder as she walked past.

Really, Ranma needs to start locking that door.

He was still hoping that Kodachi might simply go away if he ignored
her, but he probably will do something to restrict her movemnts in the
future.

"Miss Kodachi," Ranma acknowledged meekly trying to stay in
character.

"I wanted to enquire why the tailor has not been to see me yet,"
Kodachi
explained, "Akane says that she came to her soon after she moved
in. I
just wanted to ensure that I have not been forgotten. I really
can't walk
around the castle in my school uniform forever.

School uniform?  I would have figured for invading the stronghold of
a sinister mastermind Kodachi would have gone the leotard route.  Maybe
she was so eager to find out what was what that she didn't have time
to change.

Good point. The leotard would have made more sense, but it also would not
nearly be as out of place in the castle as he school uniform. I will
have to explain
why she was dressed as she was.

People will start

talking
about my lack of veil for one thing."

Ranma considered this complaint. Kodachi cared what other people
thought
about her outfit? The same Kodachi that usually ran around Nerima
in just
her gymnastics leotard?

"I would like the tailor to come around as soon as possible so that
she
can at least take my measurements and hear my preferences," Kodachi
told
her.

"I will pass your message along," Ranma promised reluctantly.

"Fine than you can go now." Kodachi released her.

"Fine then.  You can go now."

Right!

Not quite knowing how to react to Kodachi's antics Ranma decided to

antics,

I added the comma.

ignore
her strange behavior altogether and act as if everything she did
was quite
normal.

Well for all Mrs. Brave knows, Severa did it.

A good thing that Ranma decided to keep quiet then.
 

"Yes, I am Mrs. Brave the royal tailor," Ranma admitted. "You have
let the
maid know, that you wanted to see me about getting proper
garments?"

"Ashes tells me that you want to see about getting proper garments?"

Yes that would sound better. 

"I would not want to cause a scene by wearing such outlandish
clothing any
longer than necessary, " Kodachi explained gesturing to her school
uniform," I am given to understand that it is part of etiquette for
women
to veil their faces here, for example. I had hoped that you could
provide
me with clothing that would help me fit in better. And I must say,

to better fit in.

(Not there's anything really wrong with the previous phrasing
grammatically, but I think this way sounds more dignified.)

I changed it. It does sound better your way.

that I
really like what you have done for Akane. Are any of the other
outfits I
might have seen your work?"

"Except for the guards uniforms which are traditional I made most

all

Ranma did make all of the costumes, but I left it at "most" simply for
keeping in charcter. Claiming that she made all of the clothes Kodachi
might have seen anybody in the castle wear could have been a bit
too much to believe.

"I have already taken the liberty of sketching some designs that I
really
think would show of my best qualities and help me fit in," Kodachi

off

Right!
 

announced.

proclaimed.

(more dramatic)

I kept announced. I think it fits better with her intent to present her designs.

She tried to reach for a small stack of papers on her cot that
Ranma had
not previously noticed. Ranma bend over the papers while Kodachi
tried to
strain at her chains.

Kodachi did not "try to strain".  She did strain.

Right!

"I know, they are not very good," Kodachi admitted, "but they are
the best
I could do in such a short time with the materials at hand. I
managed to
borrow a pencil and some sheets of paper from my fellow prisoner,
but she
only had one color and the lightening here is not very good."

lighting

Right!

Ranma was no longer trying to understand Kodachi's self-image as a
prisoner. If she thought that letting herself out of her cell,
going to
visit Akane in her cell to borrow some writing materials and then
going
back to her own cell to chain herself to a wall was normal then
that was
okay for Ranma. She only hoped that Kodachi had relocked Akane's
door
after she was done.

You haven't given Kodachi a key to Akane's cell.  Does that mean it
doesn't have a lock but just a dead bolt operated from the outside?
Alternatively, Akane could have passed Kodachi the paper through an
observation window on the cell door.

I will have to add something to describe how the cells are locked from
the outside.

"Those are good," Ranma told Kodachi honestly impressed.

Kodachi,

I added the comma.
 

Kodachi who had given up on straining her chains to reach the
designs
beamed at the compliment.

"I notice that you have a preference for the color black," Ranma
added
seeing a pattern among the various different designs.

Ranma had also noticed another common pattern shared by all the
designs;
they were all very revealing, but Ranma thought it best not to
mention
that after admitting to being responsible for Akane's, Ashes' and
Severa's outfits.

"I take it this one was inspired by Severa's outfit." Ranma held up
a
sketch of Kodachi largely covered in skintight black leather.

"They say that Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I

imitation

Right!

"Like these two here perhaps?" Ranma now inspected two further
designs
that featured black leather. One was swimsuit-like one-piece.

was a

I added the "a".

A design that featured a lot of black latex covering the model from
head
to toe was rejected on grounds of impracticability and resemblance
to
Severa's outfit. While a latex version of Kodachi's usual

outfit, while

I changed it.
 

gymnastics
leotard was added to the possible candidates.

Several other variations on the leotard theme in a variety of
different
materials and cuts were also added to the maybe pile.

A leotard design Kodachi had specified to be in very thin very
sheer lycra
was only added to that group after Kodachi had agreed to have the
small
non see-through rose logo on it expanded and placed in such a way
that it
covered most of her crotch and nipples.

Mrs. Brave:  Showing too little is boring, child, but showing too much
is vulgar.

Hah!

When Kodachi had harassed Ashes earlier, Ranma had gotten out the
outfit
to get back at her. She had cut off a bit of the skirt which had
originally been rather modest in length and tightened the top a bit
to
keep it from hanging to loosely. The last part might have been
taking it
to far especially in combination with the roughing up the insides
of the
top she had done earlier. The wearers breasts and nipples would be

wearer's

Right!
 

Their food had actually tasted quite well. Lots greasy fatty stuff

quite good.  The fatty stuff

(To taste well is to accurately appreciate food that tastes good.)

I changed well to good.

would
be good for Akane who really needed to eat more now that she was
training
properly. And Kodachi looked so skinny that she also stood to gain
from a
real hearty meal.

really hearty

I changed it.

She tried to make amends by enquiring: "Do your temporary clothes
fit all
right? They are not to rough are they?"

too rough

I used this correction too.

Thanks again for your all c&c. It is really very helpful.

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