Thanks you for commenting. In addition to finding a large number of
little mistakes I missed you also showed me some major problems
that I will have to work on.

On 6/5/05, rgorman@telusplanet.net <rgorman@telusplanet.net> wrote:

Quoting Loki-L <loki.laufeyjarson.ffml@gmail.com>:

Of course to do that she would have to have her hands free. Her
hands were
currently occupied with what Mistress called a lying fly. Pulling

fly; pulling

Yes this makes sense the latter part is not even a complete sentence.

Unless mistress Severa decided to be mean and add another plate to

I'll say this once:

Mistress Severa.

Do a global search and replace on "mistress Severa"7

Have done that and will do it for all remaining the parts. I think I got
the rule now.

Akane was doing her exercises in the nude except for her collar and
the
shackles on her wrists and ankles. To her own surprise she had
rapidly
gotten used to this. It even felt sort of free and refreshing not
having
to wear any clothing. Especially if the only clothing you were
allowed to
wear were liable to contract into bondage devices at any moment.

was liable

I changed clothing to clothes instead.

But Akane
would master those too.

No Akane felt gloriously unrestricted and when she saw her own
naked
reflection in the mirror during her exercises she had to admit that
she
also felt a bit sexy showing off her body. Akane felt good.

Mistress Severa certainly seemed to think so, as she took every
opportunity to feel and touch Akane. Not in a bad groping Happosai

Not in Happosai's disgusting way

Yes, that is a better way of saying it and disgusting fits here better too.

way, but in nice way that was halfway between businesslike and

in a nice

missing word added 

playful. She kept correcting Akane's stances and postures during
exercises by physically moving her body in the right positions.


"You know, little one," Mistress told her leisurely, "you could get
much
the same effect by bench pressing some dumbbells or a barbell, but

True for dumbbells.  Not true for barbells.  Barbells work different
muscles.

Perhaps not exactly the same effect, but there seem to be plenty of exercises
that affect about the same muscle groups. I have to admit that I don't know
that much about this stuff and got most of my information second hand and
from books and websites like this: http://www.exrx.net/Lists/ExList/ChestWt.html
Maybe I misunderstood just how similar those exercises are supposed to be.

it is
much more fun to do it this way, isn't it?"

Akane gave a noncommittal grunt as she brought her hands back
together in
a hugging motion over her head.

"Those exercises are primarily to build your pectoralis-majors,"
her
trainer explained, "you know what these will do? If you work really

explained, running her gloved fingertips across her student's chest as
Akane tried to concentrate on the exercise.  "You know what these can
do?  If you work really hard, they will make your breasts look bigger.
Won't that be nice?"

(Including the chest contact in the dialogue makes sense out of
"these" as Severa is physically indicating what she means to Akane.
Putting the physical contact after the dialogue screws up the
timeline.  She should be doing it at the same time.  )

Good idea. I used your suggestion.
 

hard
they can make your breasts look bigger. Won't that be nice?"

With that she ran her gloved hand over Akane's chest. Akane tried
to
concentrate on her exercise.

"If you put a lot of effort in it -- and believe me you won't have
much
choice on that part -- and go on the right diet," mistress Severa
continued as she started to knead Akane's breasts in a very
distracting
way, "you will have a killer figure once we are done. Just imagine
what
your friends will say when they see your new sexy body."

Akane could not help but imagine Ranma's face when he would peek on
her
in the bath the next time. She would have to make sure that he got
a real
good look before she kicked him out. She might even accidentally
neglect
to put on the occupied sign if he took to long to give into his
perverted
impulses to peek on her.

She was rudely yanked out of her daydream of pigtailed perverts
when
Mistress twisted one of her nipples. Still smiling

Uhm...

Really I think Akane should grimace at this point.  C'mon she just
had her nipple twisted and lost the thread of her nice fantasy.
Severa may be the pervert mother she never had, but making her too
amenable undermines her believability as a character.

Good point! I will change this paragraph a bit.
 

she continued

her
exercise as Mistress hands abandoned her breasts.

Mistress'

Right!

And The maid just happened to be Ranma too. Just that she was not

RaNdom capitaliZaTion

That was the result of changing the sentece around by cutting and pasting
without paying attention to the endresult. I corrected it.

nearly
as dominant and self assured as Severa. Ranma hoped that she would
be able
to deal with this in her other disguise.

Ranma really regretted allowing herself to go with the flow as
Severa, but
that was what Ranma Saotome did. Ranma went with the flow 100% and
when
the role called for being all meek and submissive, then she could
play
the role. It wasn't as if the real Ranma had suddenly allowed
himself to
show some weakness. And when a role called for being an unashamed
pervert
like Severa, then Severa would be unashamedly perverted with none
of the
inhibitions and inabilities that held back Ranma.

Yeeah...rationalisations for Ranma being OOC aside...

Yes, I know that trying to keep Ranma in character would not be possible
considering the nature of this fic, but I at least had to make a token effort. 

The problem with embracing her inner pervert, Ranma reflected, was
that
Akane might end up embracing him too. When Severa had pawed
Akane's
nude body and grabbed her breasts, the girl had barely protested.

She didn't protest at all, and I think she should have, just a little
bit.

The scenes was supposed to show how fast Akane had gotten used
to everything and how accepting she was of her situation, but I think at
least a token protest could still help there.

Who knew
where this might lead?

She would have to build some safeties into the characters she was
playing. Maybe adding a new character that was decidedly
non-pervert and
strong-minded enough to stand up to the likes of Severa.

This doesn't make any sense.  The new character is hardly going to be
able to show up and tell Severa she's getting out of line.
Ranma needs a clearer line of reasoning for why he's going to be
making up this character.

Yes, this doesn't make much sense the way it is written. I will have to think
about changing it to make the whole thing clearer and more plausible.

But now, Ranma reflected as she divested herself of the last parts
of
mistress Severa's costume and put on Little Ashes veil, it was time

Ashes'

Right!
 

"Yes, Mistress has already informed me, Miss Akane. Please sit
down,"

down."  Ashes directed her

Okay!
 

"You don't like Mistress Severa much, do you," she asked as much

If she's asking then a question mark is called for.  Otherwise
she's commenting.

I added a questionmark.
 

Little Ashes bound and helpless in Mistress Severa's dungeon --
both
wearing nothing but their veils. Mistress alternating between
tormenting
and caressing her. Whipping her tender body and then bringing her
pleasure
by touching her in intimates places.

intimate

Right!
 

And then when Ashes almost could not take it any more, the mistress
would
take of her veil and bring her head towards the other girls crotch

girl's

Right!

-- the
one that she had made her shave. And she would first stroke it with
her
fingers an then she would slowly begin to lick her bare mound with

and

Right!
 

her
cold tongue.

Tongues aren't cold.

But the razor persumably is. Akane was supposed to be mixing actual
events with her fantasy here, but I guess this did not work nearly as well
as I thought it would.

but slowly work her way all around it. Only occasionally

inserting
a finger into her to pull her skin taunt so that the cold tongue

taut

Right!

could
reach everywhere.

Akane was rudely jerked from her erotic daydream as Ashes splashed
a
bucket of cold water over her crotch.

"Done!" she exclaimed still blushing heavily.

But Akane hardly noticed. She was far to embarrassed herself. She

too

Corrected that too.

hastily
got dressed in her ribbon dress.

How had that happened? Had Ashes noticed? And most importantly why
during
the end of her daydream had one of the girls suddenly had red and
the
other short black hair?


                             * **  ***  ** *

                           Part 13: Bad Habits


A new day had dawned for Akane and in the light shinning through

shining

Right!

her small
iron-barred window she could see a new addition to her cell.

One of the treadmills from the gym had been moved to her cell while
she
was sleeping. It was rather disturbing to think that she had not
woken up
to notice whoever had moved it here. Akane tried not to think about
the
facts that she was prone to throw off her covers at night and that
due to
lack of sleepwear she was currently sleeping in the nude. She
busied
herself instead with inspecting the exercise machine.

instead,

Are you sure about that. I am really not very good at punctuation, but
I don't think this needs a comma. The "instead" is contrasting this
sentence with the one before. "She busied herself with inspecting the
machine." does not sound to me like the sort of sentence that would
need a comma.

A note was pinned to it informing her that she would not receive
breakfast
until after she had run a certain distance on it. The distance
worked out
to be about half again the length of her usual morning jog. A cable
from
the odometer lead together with the electricity cable out under her
door.
They could probably tell if she complied from the outside. The note
was
written in harsh clear strokes she presumed that it was from
Mistress
Severa and not an empty thread.

threat

Right!

Slowly Akane began to jog expecting all the while spanks on her

jog,

 
I Inserted a comma here.

The castle was getting to her, Akane thought as she freshened up
with
water from the sink and toweled of with one of her new towels in

off

Right, I really need to work on the of/off and to/too thing.

"Hello my girl," she introduced herself in an overly friendly tone,
"my
name is Sister Holle and I am going to be your tutor. My main
function
will be to teach you about your future home and ensure that you
will learn
proper behavior for a Lichtenburger lady. I also aspire to serve as
a
counterweight to balance out the influences of certain other
persons who
shall remain nameless. I hope that despite everything here, I will
manage,
when it is time for you to be wed, to present you to your groom and
his
people as a proper, decent and throughoutly moral young lady fit

thoroughly

Right!

for our
prince."

Despite her appearance and somewhat irritating voice Sister Holle
appeared
to be exactly what Akane needed. She was going to keep her save
from all
those perverts.  Akane thought that what she had said sounded
pretty good
-- except for that marrying the prince part of course. Akane would
not
loose, but she would not tell the woman that. No need to antagonize

lose

The oo where only one o is needed seems to be a msitake I make too
often too.

She tried to calm herself down, but the fact that she could not
defend
herself against these baseless accusation made her just angrier.

OK, so what the hell is Ranma trying to accomplish here?  Yes, yes,
it's another excuse for a bondage scene but what does Ranma have in
mind?

The alternatives I see are:

Ranma is trying to instill shame in Akane so she'll protest when
Severa gets out of line.  In which case the start of the scene needs
to be rewritten.

Ranma is badgering Akane about how she secretly likes being fought
over so she'll fold and call him so he can fight over her.

Ranma is just pissing Akane off for the hell of it or for revenge, and
to give her some more practice at keeping calm.

It is a mixture of all of the above.

Originally Ranma was supposed to have come up with Holle to counter
the perversion going on all around him, but as you already mentioned I
will have to work on that before it makes sense.

Right now Ranma has veered off target and is using the charcter to
teach Akane what it is like to be accused of being a pervert.

Maybe I should add a scenes from Ranma's persepective here to
make it clearer what he is or isn't thinking.

selling
them. Perhaps you appreciated knowing to the Yen how high you

yen

Changed it to lower-case.

Severa answered for her: "I see a beautiful young woman who has
nothing to
be ashamed of. You are desirable, you are sexy and there is nothing
wrong
with going out and making people realize that. There is nothing
wrong with
taking it as a compliment when people fight over you. And for all
that
other crap about you wanting to be beaten. You would not be here

As for all that other crap about you wanting to be beaten, you would
not be here

Yes, that is better.

training
to become a better fighter if you wanted the prince to beat you,
would
you?"

Akane relaxed. That made sense... she hoped. At least she was not
going to
question it to closely as long as it meant that Sister Holle's
accusations
were completely unfounded.

"Except perhaps," Mistress slowly continued, "if you did not want
to have
just anyone beat you. Perhaps that boy who would not acknowledge
your
beauty, who has shown that he would be capable of taking you if he
wanted,
who has won you in uncounted challenges where you were the price,
but
never claimed what was rightfully his, perhaps you would not mind
so much
loosing to him?"

losing

Another double-o. I have to watch these.

Akane blushed deeply. She wanted to deny this ridiculous theory.

"But that wouldn't make you a bad person either, would it? If that
was
what you really wanted and what he wanted -- and let's be frank
here, how
could he not want you -- then there would be nothing really wrong
with
this, would there?. Don't let others tell you what is right for
you, it
is none of their business. Understood, little one?"

Akane took a slap on her bare behind as her cue to dutifully
answer: "Yes,
Mistress."

What had she expected from someone like Mistress Severa? She was a
pervert
after all and had the same sort of perverted ideas about her
relationship
with Ranma as Sister Holle.

Only she did not condemn her for them, but instead cheered her on.
And
again she could not put the record straight, just this time it
wasn't
because of a gag blocking her mouth, but because she had no idea
how to
put into words how she really felt about Ranma.

The worst part was that the two of them had now put those perverted
images
and ideas into Akane's head which had most certainly not been
there
before.

That night Akane dreamed about Ranma fighting Prince Wildpferd for
her.
She would watch from the sidelines chained naked between two posts
as
Ranma's clothes got shredded during the fight. And then when he
had
finally won and beaten the prince, Severa would hand over the key
for
Akane's chains to Ranma. He would go to her but instead of freeing
her he

her,

Inserted comma.

She had intercepted Sasuke delivering some intelligence to her
brother
and had now a hint where to look for Akane.

<wince>  Please, not Sasuke.  Can't it just the family lawyer or
something?

I hadn't really planed a big role for Sasuke. I just saw him as an
easy way to let the Kunous know where Ranma has made his lair.
Konatsu knows and a throwaway reference about Nerima ninjas
talking among each other would get the information where I wanted
it.

She could just go there tomorrow and join the gang if she spied
the
others. If they asked her why she would want to help a rival for
her
Ranma's affection she could always make up some excuse.

But what if they did not want her to tag along? What if it had not
just
been an oversight not to invite her but a deliberate snubbing?
Could she
risk the public rejection and humiliation?

Kodachi's normal reaction would be not to ask in the first place.
Just announce she intends to find her Ranma-sama and nobody is going
to stop her.

This is a continuing from her earlier musings that she really is in it only
for the fun and the  camaraderie and only pretending to still be after Ranma.

Was it not perhaps best to give up on those silly dreams and become
a
normal respectable girl with a normal and traditional future.

Her sanity was not yet as far gone as her brother's and she could
still
turn around, become a sociable schoolgirl with normal friends, get
good
grades and not question or poison her teachers,

I think actually, Kodachi does get good grades.

She might, for all I know, but she certainly is not giving her schoolwork
as much attention as she could if she stopped going after Ranma.

go to a

prestigious
university befitting her wealth and intellect, end up a traditional
and
respectable housewife like million others.

Was that what she wanted, a live more ordinary?

life more ordinary

Right!

What did she want?

She wanted her knight in shining armor.

She wanted a handsome prince and a majestic man-eating dragon.

She wanted to be a femme fatal and a damsel in distress.

femme fatale

Right!

She wanted to take that kitchen drudge to the ball and put that
castle to
sleep under a thicket of roses.

She wanted to save her kingdom and risk her life by trusting on
her
abilities in the bedroom and the powers of a thousand cliffhangers.

power

Actually I like the more mystical sounding plural here even if I can't
fully justify using it. Perhaps I could pretend that the power of each
indivudual cliffhanger is meant here.

Thanks again for your review.

 {Loki-L}

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