On 6/3/05, rgorman@telusplanet.net <rgorman@telusplanet.net> wrote:

Quoting Loki-L <loki.laufeyjarson.ffml@gmail.com>:

That was why Ranma had brought his old training props. Cologne had
never
asked to get her harness back. The thing had admittedly gotten a

Delete "admittedly".  Expressions like that are verbal clutter.

I changed it to "The thing might have gotten a bit broken during...".

And if she could not stand showing a bit skin every time she failed

bit of skin

I inserted an of.

When Akane had finally woken, she had discovered that she had been
moved
to a new cell. It was larger and much more comfortable having an
actual
bed, an empty dresser, a chair, a desk and a small window from
which she
could see part of the courtyard. There even was a small niche
containing
a sink and toilet which was a great improvement over a chamber
pot.

Apparently Akane was going up in the world. All that she needed now
was
something to wear. Ashes who had been by with her breakfast earlier

Confuzzled timeline

When Ashes arrived with her breakfast she was a bit vague about

Yes, it sounds like Ashes had brought her breakfast before she had woken
up this way. I will change it a bit to make it clear that Akane is
currently waiting
after waking and eating breakfast.
 

"You are the tailor?" Akane asked from the safety of her bed.

"I am Mrs. Brave the Tailor." The woman affirmed. "I have come to

tailor

Or possibly "Mistress of the Wardrobe" if Ranma wants to give her
a title.

 
No, "Mrs. Barve the tailor" it is. (reference to "The Brave Little Tailor")

"Those are training aids!" Akane defended her bindings blushing
heavily.

Akane blushed heavily as she defended her bindings

It sounds better this way, but I am using defended in place of said here.
Won't somebody complain that you can't blush speech?

"I am not passing judgement on you, Child. It is really nothing to

child

Really? But it would have been cpitalized if she had called her daughter,
wouldn't it.

be
ashamed of. Just make sure that you don't 'train' to hard with
your
Mistress," Mrs. Brave told her with a knowing smirk.

mistress

Okay!

Unlike Ranma Akane knew when to stop talking and make matters
worse.
Trying to correct the old woman's assumption would be futile now.
And what
did it matter what an old women thought about her and mistress

Mistress

Confused?  In the first case it wasn't being used as a title so it
shouldn't be capitalised.  Here it is being used like "Mister" or
"Lady"

I will try to keep that in mind.

When told Akane wordlessly knelt down so that Mrs. Brave could
reach the
rest of her for measuring. Her blush increased as the tailor
frankly
appraised Akane's built and the suitability of her hips for

build

Right, "built" would have been the adjective.

"That would be all for now," Mrs. Brave told her upon leaving,

leaving.

"your
clothes will be ready later today."

Your

Those are two different sentences.

I fixed this.

Ranma was working herself ragged. She was trying to be too many
people at
once. Changing in and out of costumes all the time, it was a wonder
she
had not slipped up yet. Ashes as Akanes main contact was an easy

Ashes,

Right.

enough
roll to get into. The costume came on and off with just a few
moves. The
mistress Severa costume took a lot longer to get into. An entire

into, an entire body's worth

I made it on sentence and added the "'s".

body
worth of skintight leather being harder to dress in than just a few
loose
wraps of sheer cloth.

The tailor had been overdoing it. 'Old Women' might be one of the
easiest
rolls to play, and the character had allowed Ranma to needle Akane

roles

I corrected this.

Ranma had thought that she could save time, by not changing again
and
simply shrugged of her Ashes costume and cooked in the nude.

off

Added an f.

One hot grease splatter had taught Ranma the error of her ways and
the
importance of wearing aprons. Unfortunately while Ranma was having
her
'learning experience' -- jumping naked around the kitchen in pain
-- the
meal had burned.

Meals don't burn that fast.

Good point. Maybe I will have Ranm knock over a bottle of something
flameable to accelerate the process or otherwise cause her to ruin
the meal.

So much for cooking a genuine European meal for Akane. It had been
time
to call for takeout.

Finding a place that would deliver the right sort of food had been
a bit
difficult. Tokyo was a large City and you could get almost any kind

city

Right.

of
ethnic food delivered anwhere within the city. The trick was

anywhere

That too. I changed a lot around in this part before I posted it and
failed to check for errors again.

knowing who
to call. Halfway through the Tokyo business listings Ranma had
found no
less than fifteen different places that included kosher locust on
their
menu, but not a single one that advertised itself as making
Lichtenburger
food. Ranma had been almost ready to give up when she had come
across the
small entry of Light-Castle Restaurant that billed itself as

entry for

Changed it to "for".

serving
traditional fatty Lichtenburgian cuisine.

After she had placed an order by phone Ranma had to bring Akane her

delete "by phone"  Covered by calling for takeout.

It might be a bit redundant but I decided to keep the "by phone" to avoid
confusion.

"I am sorry mistress Akane I am late with your clothes," the maid

Mistress Akana that I

The "Mistress" again!

offered
her a parcel of cloth as she said this, "You have to get dressed
fast or
you will be late for your meal with the prince."

Akane took the proffered item and unrolled it. There certainly was
more of
it than she had feared and it was not nearly as sheer and
see-through as
the maid's clothes. With the help of Ashes she put it on.

Akane observed herself in the mirror with relief. Her clothes were
modest,
loose, non-transparent and not nearly as perverted as those of
Ashes or
mistress Severa. Really not much worse than her school uniform.  A

Once again

Mistress

I think I am seeing the pattern now.

skirt
that reached to her knees and a loose sleeveless top that covered
her
upper body down to her navel Even the color of light yellow

Even the light yellow color

Perhaps better this way. Changed it.

appealed her
as it reminded her of her gi.

Of course there was no underwear included in the outfit, but unlike
with
Ashes sheer or Mistress Severa's too tight clothing nobody would

Ashes'

Right!

notice
this fact unless she did a handstand or something similar
revealing. The
manacles she still wore were jarring the picture somewhat, but
there was
little that could be done about this. What should Akane do; ask
her
trainer to take the magic training devices of her because they

off

Okay.

Then she took the ribbons and used them to connect Akane's shackles
to the
leather bands on her arms and legs and the rest of her outfit.
There
seemed to be a compilicated sytem to it and Akane payed attention

complicated

and
tried to memorize it so that she would be able to correctly dress
herself
later Ashes started out in the small of her back and threaded one
ribbon
from the back of her belt to the wrist-manacles. From there the
ribbon
went up her arms and  through loops on the leather garters on her
upper
arms. Both ends of the ribbon finally met agin when Ashes secured

again

Another last minute typo.

at the
half-ring on the back of her collar. The other shorter ribbon was
similarly secured on her ankle manacle and ran up the outside of
her leg
underneath her skirt were it was threaded through a loop in the
garter on
her upper thigh. From the garter it was connected to the side of
her belt
on the inside of the skirt an run around her back only to be
threaded back
down her other leg the way it had come.

Akane watched herself in the mirror. having the maid fasten the

Having

Right!

ribbon
inside her skirt had been a bit embarrassing, but now that she was
finished Akane could not believe the effect that a few ribbons of
colored
cloth had. They had transformed her manacles from bondage devices
to
fashion accessories. Akane almost looked like a magical girl with
them.
Akane would have to thank the tailor when she next saw her.

But Ashes was less satisfied instead of admiring Akane's new outfit

But Ashes seemed less satisfied.  Instead of admiring Akane's new
outfit, she was

Changed the was to seemed because of POV and cut it into two sentences.

she
was uncomfortably shifting from one foot to the other. Before Akane
had
time to adequately admire herself, Ashes took her hand and led her
from
her cell. She seemed to be in a hurry. In a big room that Akane
thought
might be some kind of banquet hall Ashes finally stopped.

Ashes told her to wait for the prince and or food and gave her a
strange
warning about keeping her calm around the prince.

Ashes told her to wait for the prince and gave Akane a strange
warning about staying calm around him.

deleted the "and or food" bit

Then she left her

alone
in the empty room.

Then Akane was left alone in the empty room.

Yes, it is less confusing this way.

                             * **  ***  ** *

                     Part 10:  Controlling Anger


Ranma was running from the banquet hall where she had left Akane.
Having
already shrugged of her costume she streaked along the top of the

off

Right!

Running again through stairs and corridors this time

He could probably save time by jumping out the window.

With Ranma's luck he would end up in the castle moat.
 

Ranma managed

to
reach the youth as he arrived at the open drawbridge.

The youth was wearing a Light Castle t-shirt and a stunned
expression on
his face. His jaw was hanging open as he tried to come to grips
with the
idea of finding a medieval European Castle inside a modern Tokyo

castle

Right!

Meanwhile Akane was waiting in the banquette hall, she had

banquet

I was prepared to defend my choice, but it turns out banquette is
something related but different.
 

considered an
escape attempt, but there were probably guards outside and as long
as she
wore her weakening manacles she would be no match for them, besides
now
that she was again wearing clothing her captivity no longer seemed
like
such a bad thing. She was even getting trained by mistress Severa.

Mistress

Right again!

"I regret having to keep you waiting, my bride to be," The prince
excused
himself, "but the stupid little maid had an accident in the kitchen

but that stupid

Changed it and also changed "bride to be" to "bride-to-be" for consistency

"Yes, Little Ashes," Prince Wildpferd confirmed," the girl has

For the right tone of arrogance I'd suggest:

"Is that her name?" Prince Wildpferd continued, "The girl has

Yes that could work, but idea here was to confirm that they were talking
bout the same girl. Akane at this point would have to assume that there
is more than one maid working in the castle. I will think about it.
 

already
been thought the error of her ways and will not make the same

been taught

Right!

"Don't be so sure about that, you might have won the last time, but
with
mistress Severa's help I am getting better and will have you beat

Mistress

And another Mistress....

in no
time," Akane told him.

It was getting a bit drafty she absentmindedly noticed.

drafty,

Inserted a comma

She almost stumbled when she tried to stand. The ribbons that
connected
her thighs to her ankles had gotten shorter, so that she now had
to
slightly bend her knees to stand. Her outfit, that had been so
modest was
now only barley decent. Her skirt had become a mini that threatened

barely

I corrected it.
 

to
uncover vital parts of her anatomy with every step she made and her
top
only barely reached to the bottom of her breasts.

That would mean her breasts are totally exposed.

barely covered the bottom of her breasts

It depends on how you used to think about it. Your way might make
somebody think of a corset that only reaches up to the bottom of
her breasts. I added a down to my original version to make it
"...only barely reached down to the bottom of her breasts," which
should be less ambiguous.

The prince had Little Ashes veil stuffed in the pocket of his

Ashes'

Right!

pants!

Akane jumped to the only logical conclusion.

Ashes never took of her veil! Not even in when the two of them had

off

Right!

been in
the showers together. It must be very important to the girl. Akane
doubted
that she would take it of in the presence of somebody else without

off

I corrected this too.

The prince stood before her, mocking Akane's immobilized form:
"Don't say
you were not warned. You still have a lot to learn about
controlling your
emotions. But you don't have to hurry on my account I am certain
that I
will enjoy the view your lack of self control will offer me."

self-control

I changed it.

Akane suddenly realized that her skirt and top had also further
shrunk.
Her breast where now totally uncovered as her top had become

were.

Right!

bunched up
on her sternum and her skirt was now no broader than her belt as it
had
contracted around her waist.

The realization that she was not only bound, but also naked in
front of
this pervert caused Akane to heat up further in anger,
embarrassment and
emotions she did not want to identify.

Her bindings reacted to her shame and contracted one last time. She
could
not move her heels and haunches closer together so she had no
choice but
to spread her thighs as the ribbons on the outside of her legs
further
contracted towards the back of her belt. Her elbows where also

were

You need to be more careful of these homonym errors.

I am starting to realize this too.

"And there also was that naked girl running along the battlements,"
his
sister added showing that she had at least paid attention to that
part of
his story.

The timing is wrong.  Ranma has already changed into his prince costume
by the time the elevator doors open.

Oops! This comes from the episodic nature of the addventure story. I will
have to go back and change things a bit. Maybe the elevator door is already
open instead of opening when Ranma looks out the window.
 

"...I mean we have always hoped that one day... ever since the
pretender
took the throne... us loyalist have kept hoping, but I just can't

Minor problem here.  If the family running Light Castle are expatriate
Lichtenburgese, then shouldn't they be European?  It's not like they
even appear to be a mixed marriage

Yes, I will have to explain this somehow. Maybe a scenes where Ranma
reads in the encyclopedia about the ethinc makeup of the population of
Lichtenburg...

Thanks for your c&c . You caught a lot of mistakes and made me aware of
some seriosu problems I will have to work on.

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