Quoting Eric Holdt <dragonboy1098@hotmail.com>:

This will be my last dive into the Ranma world for a while.  If I get some
positive feedback on it, I'll write more, and if not, then I'll move on.

Can't promise anything, but I'll see what I can do.

Formula For Disaster
A Ranma 1/2 fic by Dragonboy

Disclaimer:  I don't own these characters, but I'm sure you already knew
that.

Delete this quip and put in a proper disclaimer that gives credit to the author
whose characters you are using. You've got the entire fic to demonstrate your
wit; the disclaimer is the place to give credit where it's due.

"It's simple, Shampoo." Cologne answered.  "That bag is filled with one of

"It's simple, Shampoo," Cologne answered.

Why? Because "Cologne answered" doesn't stand by itself. It wouldn't make sense
to get rid of the dialog and just say "Cologne answered" by itself. What did she
answer? She answered the words "It's simple, Shampoo". Hence this needs to be
punctuated as one sentence.

As a quick rule of thumb: If you could add an "And then" after the dialog and it
still makes sense and still means the same thing, you should use start a new
sentence:

??    "It's simple, Shampoo." And then Cologne answered.

This certainly doesn't mean the same thing, so it should be one sentence rather
than two.

the villages strongest love-inducing powder.  If you use this on son-in-law,

village's

Cologne shook her head.  "That won't work, Shampoo.  You've tried giving him
spiced ramen before, I doubt he will fall for it this time.  But I have a
better idea..."

Um, if you're thinking of "passion spice," that's a fanfiction invention. The
one and only love-inducing item the Amazons have had in canon were the three
pills that were stolen by Happosai, and Shampoo never used them against Ranma.
In fact, in another story Ranma actually went to Cologne to ask her for a love
potion to make Ryoga interested in Akari; Cologne replied that of course she
had no such thing because if she had she'd have used it on Ranma long ago.

It's your story, of course, and you can certainly change things around if you
really want to. Just be aware that doing so may set off the "author hasn't read
the series on which the fic is supposed to be based" alarm in the readers'
minds. Make changes knowingly rather than out of ignorance, and only when they
really serve your story.

"Hey man," a customer shouted. "Where's my ramen?  I ordered like ten

"Hey, man,"

When a speaker identifies who is spoken to, the identification must be
separated from anything else by a comma.

"Hey" -> this is what he's saying.
"man" -> this is who he's saying it to.
Therefore there must be a comma between them.

These commas may seem like a little thing, but they are vitally important,
because leaving them out can completely change the meaning of your sentence.

"I volunteer, Ranma!" is something Genma is very unlikely to say.

"I volunteer, Ranma!" is something Genma is very likely to say.

"I wanna eat, Akane!" is business as usual for Ranma. "I wanna eat Akane!" is
grounds for a pounding.

"One moment, sir."  Mousse told him.  "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

sir," Mousse

Again, what did Mousse tell him? Mousse told him the words "One moment, sir."
Therefore this is part of the same sentence.

"My dearest Ranchan, my love for you is like...waking up to the smell of
freshly made okonomiyaki......no, that's no good."

Use only three dots, or four if you want to add a period to end the sentence.

Ukyo poured out the dough for a new okonomiyaki, still in thought.  "What's
another word for 'eternal'?" she asked the man.

The man blinked.  "Eh?"

UKYO: No, that doesn't mean "eternal". You must be Canadian. Why do you people
use "eh?" for everything?

MAN: Eh?

UKYO: *sigh* Ask a silly question....

Ukyo frowned deeper.  "Hey Konatsu?" she shouted.  "What's another word for

"Hey, Konatsu?"

"Perfect!  Thanks Konatsu!"  Ukyo flipped the okonomiyaki and quickly began

"Thanks, Konatsu!"

writing.  The man sighed and turned to walk out the door.

"I knew I should have had ramen." he muttered.

Heh.

ramen," he

"My dearest Ranchan, my perpetual love for you burns- no, _radiates_ with
the passion of a thousand...no, a million...no...Konatsu, what's the biggest
number you can think of?"

Konatsu thought hard.  "A googol?"

Ukyo shook her head.  "That's an internet server, Konatsu.  I need a
_number_."

Heh.

Konatsu sweatdropped.

Try to avoid stock, cliched descriptions. Picture his reaction in your mind and
try to come up with a fresh take on it.

"Duh Konatsu, because the normal messages that I usually write haven't

"Duh, Konatsu,

worked. I have to pour my heart and soul into this okonomiyaki so that when
Ranchan reads it, he'll know exactly how deeply my love for him really is.
And he'll look at me and say-"

"UKYO-SAMA, I LOVE YOU!!"

"Yeah," Ukyo said dreamily.  "That's exactly what he'll-wait a minute..."

The trashcan suddenly jumped up and leapt toward Ukyo.

Heh.

"CHAAARRR-"  CLANG!

"Perfect timing, Tsubasa."  Ukyo said while re-sheathing her spatula and

Tsubasa," Ukyo

"Yes, you're just in time to watch the restaurant while Konatsu and I go to
visit Ranchan."  Ukyo informed him while putting the finishing touches on

Ranchan," Ukyo

"But...I don't even work here."  Tsubasa whined.

here," Tsubasa

That she would leave Tsubasa in charge of her shop seems unlikely, but it's
funny enough to be overlookable.

"What a weirdo."  Konatsu said, causing Ukyo to cough loudly.

weirdo," Konatsu

Akane looked at the picture in the cookbook, then she looked into the large
pan that contained the now semi-sentient creation that was her attempt at
making sukiyaki.  Then she smiled.

It would be good if you came up with a reason for why Akane happens to be
cooking tonight. Contrary to fanfiction cliche, she really doesn't do it that
often, and almost always because of something going on in the story.

"Is not good idea to dump love powder into all food."  She muttered softly.

food," she

Kasumi came down the stairs and looked over at the couch.  "Hello Shampoo,

"Hello, Shampoo,

Shampoo sweatdropped.

Consider earlier comment on this restated.

"Um...Shampoo play hide-and-seek?"

"Oh, that sounds like fun!  Who are you hiding from?"

"Uh...Ranma?  Yes, that right, Shampoo hide from Ranma.  You no tell him
Shampoo here, yes?"

Kasumi nodded.  "Okay, I promise not to tell."

This was a funny scene.

"Seeking salvation, Akane."  He whispered.

Akane," he

Akane stared in confusion.  "What are you talking about Ranma?  Are you in

about, Ranma?

She stood up.  "Well Ranma, maybe a little food will calm you down.

"Well, Ranma,

And...if there's anything I can do to help you with this problem, just let
me know."

"You could throw it out so I don't have to eat it."  Ranma muttered.

"What?"

"N-nothing, nothing!  Uh, l-let's go eat, huh?"

I think this bit worked pretty well, except for the ending. Ranma goes through
that whole big build-up in order to tease Akane about her cooking. It's funny
that she doesn't get it. But why doesn't he drop the bomb and her and let her
know that she's been played for a sucker?

"Sasuke!  Come to me!"  He bellowed.

me!" he

Kuno's eyes widened.  "But of course!  Marriage, the binding of a man to the
one that he loves, so powerful...so final!  And if their feelings for me
truly match mine for them, they shall accept graciously!  Yes, Sasuke, I
shall go to the Tendo dojo tonight and ask for my darling's hands in

darlings'
(because he is asking for the hand of more than one darling)

"Or perhaps I shall decide on the way to the dojo." he mumbled.

dojo," he

The Blue Thunder picked up his bokken and dashed out of the house.

I don't quite understand that reaction. Without some other extenuating
circumstance, I'd think Tatchi's reaction would be to either ignore his father
or to beat the crap out of him. It's not like him to be afraid of anybody, and
he has no particular reason to fear his father.

Somewhere on the streets of Nerima, Ryoga Hibiki was happy.

Cliche opening. Don't tell us he was happy, show us, either by describing his
actions (as you do below) or by narrating his thoughts and feelings from his
own POV.

The Ardor Fire Droplet, the man who had sold it to him had called it.
According to him, if a man gave it to the woman that he was in love with,
then she would love him forever.

MAN: But there's one catch: it only works on the last Friday of April.

RYOGA: Why?

MAN: Look it up. That's Ardor Day.

"Are you going to the Tendo's?"  Mousse nodded the best he could.  "Mind if

Tendos'?
(there are more than one Tendo)

Mousse threw a volley of chains at the lost boy, wrapping up both legs and
the hand that held the Fire Droplet. Ryoga stumbled and fell to the ground
as Mousse pulled out a giant battle-axe.

"Mark my words, Hibiki:  Shampoo will be the one wearing the Ardor Fire
Droplet by the end of the day!"

Couldn't they both use it, one at a time? I guess this doesn't occur to them.

Ranma looked at his plate and gulped.  "Uh...ladies first?"

"If you say so." Genma said as he poured a glass of water on Ranma's head.
"Eat up, daughter."

Heh.

"You don't say?!" Ranma practically screamed.  "I should go check that-"

A large hammer suddenly appeared an inch away from Ranma's face.

"SIT!"  Akane commanded.

RANMA: *whump*

AKANE: Thanks for the prayer bead necklace.

KAEDE: Don't mention it. Now where's Inu-Yasha gone off to?

Ranma sat down very fast.

"NOW QUIT STALLING AND TRY IT!!"

Ranma sweatdropped.  "Uh, ya know, Akane...it's kind of an unwritten rule
that the person who cooks a meal should taste it before she serves it to
everyone else."

Akane's look of anger wavered.  "W-what do you mean?"

Sensing a possible way out, Ranma nodded vigorously and went on.  "Well
yeah, you know, that way if it's not right, you can fix it.  Kasumi always
does it, right?"

Akane's hammer vanished and she scratched her head.  "I...I guess you're
right.  Okay then, I'll try it."

I hope the hammer vanishing isn't meant to be taken literally. The
mallet-out-of-nowhere bit is a sight gag that doesn't really work in a prose
fiction.

Ranma barely stopped eating to answer.  "No way, pop!  Akane actually made

way, Pop!
(capitalize relations when used as names)

"Uh, thanks Kuno."  Ukyo said as Kuno set her down.

"Uh, thanks, Kuno," Ukyo

"Don't worry, Konatsu, I'm fine." Ukyo told him.  "Let's just get Ranchan's

fine," Ukyo

"S...s-so...beautiful." he whispered.

beautiful," he

Ukyo sweatdropped.

AAAARRGH!

"Listen Konatsu," she whispered back. "I'm just trying to get him away from

"Listen, Konatsu,"

"Oh my." Kasumi said.

"Oh my," Kasumi

"I guess that would explain part of the noise outside." Nabiki said between

outside," Nabiki

Mousse shook his head and looked down at Shampoo.

"SHAMPOO!  Oh no, what have I done!?"

Ranma walked over and slapped Mousse on the back. "It looks to me like
you've just won yourself a new wife, Mousse.  Congrats!"

Um, no. No. Nooooooo. Bzzzzzt. 'fraid not. It doesn't work that way.

Amazon law says that any male OUTSIDER who defeats an Amazon warrior in combat
is allowed (and for "allowed" read "required") to marry that Amazon.
Unfortunately for Mousse, he is NOT an outsider and does NOT have this right.
In fact, it was established in the very first Mousse story that he has no right
to even challenge Ranma to combat over Shampoo (though Shamps did agree in a
later story to give him one mercy date if he were to defeat Ranma). It's
(remotely) possible that Ranma doesn't know this but Mousse certainly does.

"By George, I think he's got it." Ranma said in his best British accent.

it," Ranma

"You're not hurt anywhere, are you Shampoo?" he asked.

are you, Shampoo?"

RYOGA: Are you Shampoo?

SHAMPOO: Of course I Shampoo! You got problem with names now too?

Nabiki turned to Ranma.  "I thought he loved Akane."

"Why would you think that?" Akane asked.

Yeah, why would she? I don't think Nabby has ever been particularly interested
in Ryoga's love life.

Shampoo was getting slightly flustered.  "Listen Directionless Boy, you not

"Listen, Directionless Boy,

"Please," Ryoga said.  "accept this as a token of my love for you."

"Please," Ryoga said.  "Accept
(or)
"Please," Ryoga said, "accept

"-LOVE YOU!!" She shouted as she flung herself at Ryoga and trapped him in a

YOU!!" she

Ranma grinned widely and retook his seat.  "I just got rid of two huge
pains, that's what happened!  Man, this is turning into the greatest day of
my life!  Hey, could someone hand me that hot water that Shampoo brought
out?"

Earlier you were adding "-chan" to his name and using "she" for female Ranma;
now he's still female and you aren't doing this. Try to be consistent; either
do this kind of thing all the time or don't do it at all, unless the character
of the POV alter in some way that dictates a change -- Tatewaki's point of view
might refer to female Ranma as "she" even if no one else's does, for example,
because he doesn't know that this *IS* Ranma.

"Here you are, Ranma." Kasumi said as she handed to kettle to him.

Ranma," Kasumi

"Oh shit." Cologne said from right behind her.

shit," Cologne

"I didn't." the other answered.  "And if you know what's good for you,

didn't," the

And there you have it.  Part two will be coming if anyone wants it to.

Well, I'm not going to be able to give you a definite answer on this. On the one
hand, the overall plot really didn't grab me all that much; many of the ideas
like the love potions have been done quite a lot in other fanfics. On the other
hand, many of the individual scenes were clever and funny.

It really comes down to what you think. Do you think this idea has potential? Is
this something you really want to write? If yes, then go for it. I'll certainly
be happy to read more, but if you don't want to keep going on this then that's
okay too.

Regardless of what you decide, your homework assignment should you decide to
accept it: read the original Ranma 1/2 series. You'll see that a lot of what
you learned from fanfics is just wrong, and probably discover a lot that you'll
find helpful in your writing, as I hope these comments were.


-Gary



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