A very good story for the most part.  I don't have time to do a thorough
C&C unfortunately, however, I do have a few comments.  While the plot is
a great idea (and well executed), you do have some issues with dialogue.


One of the primary problems is that in quite a few places you actually
added in too much punctuation.  Try reading through the sentences that
characters are speaking out loud and putting pauses in the places where
you put commas and sentence breaks.  If you do that, it should clear up
most of the problems in this area I believe.  

One other issue with the dialogue that you might want to alter is
actually using contractions.  While they should properly be avoided in
written work, dialogue is an exception to this.  Most people use
contractions in every day speech and it sounds a bit too formal when you
leave them out of normal conversation.  While Ranma's characters or
Shampoo might do this to represent being less comfortable with the
language, Akane, Ranma, and other characters who speak Japanese normally
should use contractions to make their speech flow more naturally.

Aside from that though, I didn't see many issues (that I'm remembering
in hindsight anyway).  I enjoyed the story once I got past some of my
issues with the dialogue, and as I implicated, in later portions of the
story I felt that it actually helped in some portions.  (i.e. Ranma
portraying foreign characters)  There might be a few issues with
stereotyping and the characters not acting quite to type, but I don't
think they were too severe either.


James M. Zema
  zema@lands-beyond-reality.com
  http://www.lands-beyond-reality.com

-----Original Message-----
From: ffml-bounce@anifics.com 
[mailto:ffml-bounce@anifics.com] On Behalf Of Loki-L
Sent: Thursday, June 02, 2005 5:22 PM
To: ffml@anifics.com
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][Lime][Ranma] Prisoner of the Iron Mask



Author's Notes, Warnings and Disclaimer
(Search or scroll down to the row of stars for begin of actual story.)

Summary:

"Prisoner of the Iron Mask" is a slightly lime-ish/perverted 
and romantic
Ranma comedy full of stubborn matial artists, foreign 
princes, abducted
tombodys, nudity and unlikely coincidences.

When Akane gets the foolish idea that she could defend 
herself from future
kidnappers, Ranma comes up with a cunning plan to show just 
how dangerous
it could be to get abducted by an evil perverted prince without Ranma
there to rescue her.

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