Oh God, yet another long fic to C&C... and it's an SI
fic to boot. But, since C&C is allegedly welcome here,
then by God you'll get some. Take it with a grain of
salt, make use of what you can make use, ignore the
rest, etc. Oh, and I'm going to C&C only half of this
because apparently you _love_ to write, author-san.

Oh, and as a btw, I have to ask the list members 'in
the know' how Naruto does his Rasegan thingy. I've
included this request here in the C&C so that I don't
have to spam the list (but at the risk of people
skipping over this message altogether *grumbles*) I've
been googling at sites and message boards referring to
it, but for some reason I could never get a
straightforward explanation for how Naruto does that
tricky technique. It's always 'And Naruto also knows
other advanced techniques, like the Rasegan' or 'The
Rasegan rocks, dude! Somebody-or-another will totally
lose once Naruto uses it on him.' I can never get a
straight answer. Please help to those who care. I
don't care much about being spoilerized anyway.
Private replies on that particular request, please.
Oh, oh, and a listing of your top ten favorite moves
of all time in anime would also be a plus. Sankyuu.


		
__________________________________ 
Do you Yahoo!? 
Yahoo! Small Business - Try our new Resources site
http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/resources/

-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: c7c27.txt
-- Desc: 3494403660-c7c27.txt

Aaron Peori <rlepsilon@hotmail.com> and his co-author <kumonryuu@hotmail.com> wrote:

Haha!

Anyway, here is the real copy of chapter 10. As always, bonus material can 
be located at our website. Once again that is www.bladeandepsilon.com

-------------------
Epsilon

Genki desu ne, author-san.

-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: hybridtheory10final.txt

For some strange, strange reason, despite the plaintext attachment, your formatting really sucks. Not only is this irritating for the reader, it's also annoying to the C&Cer. Find a solution to that, because as I've mentioned, formatting errors kills more fics than... Self... Insert... content.

Kya-ha. ^^; The quote is _doubly_ applicable to you, author-san. As a disclaimer, I won't be bashing your fic because it's basically SI. I'm sure you've heard it before, but (whispers) readers generally don't like SIs unless it's a Carrot fic. Besides, as an blatantly SI author, I'm sure you've heard of the age-old argument:

"There are two characters that no reader ever wants to see. The first is Mary Sue--an 'original' character inserted into the story. Mary Sue characters are always perfect, good looking, and incredibly intelligent, more so than any of the series characters. They also tend to be condescending and downright annoying. Despite this, all of the same sex characters look up to them, and all of the opposite sex characters want to hop into the sack with them, for reasons that are flimsy at best and usually out of character. Mary Sues are normally seen as proxies for the author, since the normally end up with the author's favorite character, after beating up the author's least favorite character, of course. SI means 'Self Insertion' -- the other thing no reader wants to see. Self-Insertions are pretty similar to Mary Sues, except in Self Insertion, the author outright admits that they've written themselves into the story. SIs normally have omniscient powers as well, and are able to alter the universe at will, since they're the all-powerful author. Let's say it together, kids: Barf.

Anyway, I will also not be bashing your fic because of its Linkin Parkedness. My musical preferences and bias against SI fics are beside the point. If I believe you have a good story, then I will say so. If I believe that your story has little more content than gratuitous otaku wish fulfillment and references to Linkin Park songs whining about insecurity and lack of a spine, then I will point it out. But there'll be no hatin' here, playa.

To be fair, I will be using Carrot's little SI fics as a point of comparison to yours. Oh, and I _will_ still point out _avoidable and revisable_ faults that your SI fic probably has. In general, SI fics can work if there's enough going on in the plot to make it interesting. IMO, an interesting SI fic never needed the SI to begin with, but I digress. 

In other news, I believe your fic has been double formatted (you formatted it, and then your mail client/FFML/whatnot formatted it again), making the formatting funky. Find a way around it. In fact, there's a recent and lengthy FFML debate that discusses that very subject.

Extra! Extra! Catch it here first, folks! This is your one and only chance 
to
get THE straight scoop. One hundred percent pure authorial oversight 
perception

The word "authorial oversight perception" gives me a headache. Is it any different from "Sentient Narrative Prose"? Because I have a feeling it's not, as evidenced by the way the prose is presented. 

is what this plucky reporter has been granted, and since these meanies tell 
me
I'm going to lose it soon, I better make it count!

Your humble narrator, the beautiful and eloquent Ran Hibiki, has found 

(eyebrow twitching) Oooh. It's... _her_. Speaking. In first person. I haven't seen _this_ before. 9_9

herself
increasingly drawn into the world of Ukyou and her friends. It appears Ukyou 
has
problems, as her bizarre split personality is getting to her and making her 
more
violent.

Akane: Somehow, I'm feeling some sort of irony here that I just can't place.

Carrot: Actually, it's another carbon copy of my 'Insertion' fic where one of the characters get another personality care of the author.

Ben: ...Which, in turn, is a carbon copy of my idea about a multi-personalitied world devourer/destroyer in my own little crossover fic. ^-^

Just last chapter, she went nuts and broke the spine of her old 

arch-
rival Hayato Myoujin.

Yahiko: Great-great-great(x27)-grandson?! What has happened to you!? Speak, my dear descendant!

This is after she went totally uber-bitch on Ranma's

mother, then Ranma, then Akane. And now, she has vanished!

I usually make fun of the whole "the narrative has an exclamation point, so the readers should be shocked" thing going on, but I'll let it slide because of the nature of your story. As a side-note, you're definitely using the tell not show side of things. I too won't hold that against this... er... light-hearted romp into anime. It's like making fun of Galaxy Angels for being too irreverent and fluffy. That's the point! So I'll instead judge this fic by how funny it could be and how good the tell-not-show technique is used. Whuzzah.

Meanwhile, Chris, the undead body-stealer is up to his old tricks, so to 
speak.
He got Pink and Link to help him kill Sentarou Daimonji so he could replace 
his
rotting old body and steal the boy's martial arts tea ceremony mad wind 
ninja
skills! In exchange for their help, Pink and Link are looking to grab some 
of
the mitama... which are these funky blue seeds that turn things into 
monsters
and which Chris failed to retrieve last time he tried because this carrot-
skinned guy named Kusanagi broke it.

Oh I see. 30% of the fic is the flashback. Groovy. 

In other news, Nabiki is trying to acquire Ukyou's title of queen bitch by

Nabiki: Excuse me, fic... It's _re_-acquire the title of queen bitch.

tricking Ryouga into thinking he raped her. 

Nabiki: Shooting fish out of a barrel.

Reader: Ahahahaha! Nabiki's tricking Ryoga by making him think that he raped her! Ahaha--(laughter stops, dead silence)......

Also, Cologne is trying to 

defend
her old title by toying with her great grand-daughter's destiny by using the
info Chris gave her way back to push Shampoo into a confrontation in Nerima
Shampoo isn't really prepared for.  Darn, that sentence ran on... oh well,
that's what editors are for!

This fic has the same amount of irreverence and supposed plotlessness as 'chibi' improfanfics like "Reforming Evil can be Tricky" or anime like "2x2 Shinobuden". Is that a good thing for this fic? I'm not quite sure, I haven't read it through yet. Cheeky fics such as this tend to rely on humor and, well, more humor to reel their readers in. At the first sign of trouble... and cheesiness... readers leave. Obviously, you can forget about those readers that expect thought-provoking, well-characterized, and soul-searching types of fics. So the question is... does your detailed, 60+ page fic have what it takes to be funny enough to enough readers for it to matter? Kind of tough, seeing how humor is subjective, but I'll be fair.

So lay down your bets folks, 

Banzai?

because the Tokyo bitch-fest contest continues! 

Who
IS the most vile, manipulative customer in all of Hybrid Theory? Find out 
next,
because your humble reporter does not have a clue!

Banzai Narrator: Betting ends!

			      C&A Productions Presents

                         A Work of Blatant Self-Insertion


                                  Hybrid Theory


                           Chapter 10: One Step Closer

(snrk) Ryoga must be a big fan of _that_ band, since you can have a drinking game to how many times "insecure" is used in their lyrics.

Ryoga: Their words ring so true, so sincerely! It's real life in your face! I love that band almost as much as I love Simple Plan! (whines... I mean, 'sings' but doesn't really know the lyrics) ~Have you ever felt so left out!? Have you ever felt out of place?! Have you ever felt that somehow that you don't belong, and no one understands yoooou?!...~ 

Also, and I believe this is a fair warning I always issue before I dive headfirst C&Cing a fic, I'll give you my first impressions. You may already know this, but the way your chapters are titled and the name of the story itself can be off-putting to people, and it's not really because the title's bad or the chapter names are bad... it's what they connote. Y'know, the really whiny band that whines and whines about insecurity and some such that's not Simple Plan? A 'rock' group where the 'rock' part is disputable? Many people, by the virtue of their opinions, would believe that your fic is flawed by design simply because it's a 1.) self insert fanfic using 2.) song titles and album titles from the you-know-who band as chapter titles and the story title which makes it scream 3.) "FF.net fodder!" That's the main barrier most people have over this fic, IMO... they think self inserts generally suck and your favored band sucks, so they come to an unsaid unanimous decision. It doesn't matter if there are gems of comedy gold (hopefully not unintentional comedy gold) in this fic or that it's really well written... in general, that's the first impression and that's the bottom line to whether or not people will bother reading your fic.

Then again, who cares? You obviously don't, because you had enough balls to post this fic to the FFML without regard to how a.) how many people hate Self Inserts, b.) how many people hate Linkin Park, and c.) how many people hate both and will make fun of your fic simply because of those two facts. In any case, let's see what your fic ha to offer aside from catering the FF.net's pre-teen and teen demographic of 'needlessly whiny and angsty' kids...

	"Hey, stud, you heard the latest news?"
	Ranma looked up from the spiral he had etched into the sand in the lot
behind Tofu's. Ran was leaning on the fence, her head resting on her folded
arms. Her ever-present camera was hanging down in front of her, and she was
carrying a rolled-up newspaper in one hand. Seeing she had his attention, 
Ran
vaulted the fence, her long black ponytail streaming out behind her as she

Er, combine 'Ran' with 'vaulted the fence...' It seems like formatting was botched on that sentence.

	"Well, do so next time, you lummox," Ran snickered as she rapped his

Lummox? Who uses that language? For something that promotes a false accusation of rape as humorous and lighthearted, you sure are mild with the language.

head with her knuckles good-naturedly. Ranma made a show of rubbing his head 
and
frowning at her, but there was no real malice behind it. Ran was right. It 
was
just the truth. Heck, he wasn't sure he really wanted to think that deeply 
about
it himself. So... he didn't.

There are three straight lines of 'double formatted' sentences. You might want to look that up so that you can 'revise' the situation, capt'n.

	"Anyway," Ranma said, dismissing the previous subject. "What brings you
here?"
	"The giant monster attacking the ship out in the middle of Tokyo Bay,"
Ran pointed out with a shrug.
	"Well, Tokyo Bay is all the way over on the other side of town, so
what... did you say giant monster?"

Suggest: "what... Did you say giant monster?" because the second clause can stand alone independently as a sentence.

	"Yes," Ran giggled.
	"Oh." Ranma nodded. "Just checking."

(shrug) The humor, so far, isn't quite working for me. Oh well.

	"Well then," Ranma stood up from and dusted off his knees. "Let's get
going, then?"

Suggest: "Let's going, then" or "Let's get going, shall we?"

Just a reminder... your fic is consistently double formatted all throughout (i.e. you formatted it once, and then your mail client/Word/fate formatted it again, creating weird, one-word lines in your fic), so do something about it. Maybe you don't need to format it because your mail client already formats it before it sends it to the FFML? Or perhaps you should turn off the formatting of your mail client? Or maybe you should get a yahoo account and post using that. I dunno.

	"Us?" Ran blinked.
	"Yeah, us," Ranma frowned. "You want a scoop, right?" Ranma smirked and
rolled his neck. 

Who is he, Dhalsim? How does a person 'roll' his neck,  anyway?

	"I'm capable of defending myself," Ran pointed out as they took off at a
brisk pace across the rooftops. It might have been faster to go by car or 
bus,

...Since the 'traffic jam' or traffic in general is nonexistent in Ranmaverse Nerima.

	"I..." Ran trailed off oddly. Ranma looked over at her and saw she was

Ran: (clasps her hands together while looking at the sky, sparkles surrounding her)

I know subtlety isn't the strong point of this fic, but there are times when subtlety really is called for, even for fics such as this. Hitting the reader in the head with blatant clues on plot points that don't really add much to the humor or _anything_ of the fic will result in reader fanfic headache. Symptoms include, "disbelief over what the story allegedly is telling" and "shooting pain whenever the obvious is stated once again".

	"Yeah," Ranma nodded seriously. Their conversation paused

Conversations don't have siestas or end by themselves. People pause in the middle of conversations, not the other way around. And it's nevertheless an awkward use of a personification that came out of nowhere if you're going for that.

	"Yes," Ranma nodded. "Just because I'm better than Ukyou doesn't mean I
can't learn from... him." Ranma swished his tongue around in his mouth,
searching for the right way to say what he meant. "I respect Ukyou, as a
fighter. He may not be as good as me... but he has the same spirit. The same
drive to win. Maybe even more. The people Ukyou has fights with are... good.
Real good. They're tricky and strong. Yet... Ukyou wins. Not by being strong 
or
tough, but by sheer force of will.

Joem: Such is the proper way to fight. Of course, it's not the proper way to win at all.

By thinking fast and never giving up, ya

know?" Ranma wasn't sure if he was getting across, so he tried rephrasing it 
one
more time. "When I win, it's because I'm better than my opponent. When Ukyou
wins... it's because she wants it more than the other guy." Ranma nodded.

Joem: The only way to defeat an opponent superior to you in every way is to negate his/her superiority. This is difficult to do. Luckily, a lot of the strongest fighters do it to themselves, saving you the trouble.

Y'know, I've been harping on and on about your SI that it makes me wonder... Where the hell is he/she? Is he Ranma? Is she Ran? For an SI fic, this sure strangely has a decisive lack of SI. To think I was all prepared to make a Self Extraction joke as soon as I spot the SI. Boo! False advertising!

"That's why I respect Ukyou's skill. That's the talent I want to pick up."

>From the amazing things I've already seen you do, this is a rather humble view of yourself, Ranma. Most, if not all of your opponents were, in way or another, better than you. Anime and Manga. You didn't simply power up and defeat the opponents as you allege, you found their weaknesses and exploited them with extreme prejudice. Defeating an opponent through 'sheer willpower' is a myth perpetuated by Hollywood and Yuyu Hakusho. It's either you try to find a superior opponent's weakness or the superior opponent will present you with an opening to exploit. Or you'll get extremely lucky somehow. Ranma as a fighter should know this by now, so he shouldn't be longing for the childish notion of "willpower is the ultimate deux ex machina" or be impressed by Ukyo's "try and try until you die" shtick.

	"I see..." Ran trailed off again. "Wait, did you just say 'she'?"

Nitpick: In Japanese, 'she' as a pronoun doesn't exist. Let me explain. Written Japanese underwent a transition similar to Chinese when an archaic demonstrative kare was resurrected to translate the "he" of European languages, while a word kanojo was invented to translate "she". In the spoken language, the words carry the connotation of boyfriend and girlfriend respectively. Japanese does not have third-person personal pronouns, with either names, titles, or phrases such as ano hito (that person) used instead. So basically this nitpicky nitpick is suggesting that since these _are_ Japanese people _not_ translating European language into their conversation, how about Ranma saying, "That girl Ukyo" or something similar? Granted, it's more unbelievable a slip-up for Ranma to say, but Ranma couldn't possibly make the he/she slip-up in conversational Japanese.

	"Did I?" Ranma laughed nervously. "Wow! That was stupid! Why would I say
something stupid that might suggest Ukyou is really a girl? That's just 
silly!"

Well, at least Ranma here isn't suffering from a sudden lobotomy and, as usual, has a basic inability to make up a poker face. Kudos to the fic. 

	"Ranma..." Ran drew out his name menacingly. "Are you hiding something

>from me?"

	"No!" Ranma insisted, starting to sweat.

(shock!) No 'sweatdropped' or 'large bead of sweat' in this fic? That's a betrayal of fanfic/anime convention! 

	Chris hopped down from the rooftop and began walking along the street.

(Final Fantasy victory trumpet call plays in the background) The self-insert has finally arrived!

...And his name is Chris. (muted trumpet) ~Wah wah wah...~

A quick glance back confirmed that Pink and Link were there, though he 
couldn't
tell which was which under the cloaks they were wearing.

Well, neither can they!

Cloaked twin 1: So which one of us is which again?

Cloaked twin 2: Uuuhhhh...

	"Why are we slowing down, over?"  An irritated tone; that one on the
left would be Link, then.

She has a walky-talky?

always running around saving people from Pink's poisons.  She'd even saved
Ranma's life twice in the manga...granted, once was when she didn't know the
female Ranma was 'Shampoo's husband', and once was to save her own skin, but
still.  Link was essentially a good person, unlike her sister.  She was no
Akane, but it still bothered him how much she disliked him.  Was his very
existence that distasteful to her?

Well, whaddyaknow? Your self-insert is strangely acting like a C&Cer giving detailed critique on the Ranma 1/2 manga while blatantly inserting all his/the author's opinions on the good, the bad and the skinny of the work. He's putting his bias into the work intentionally without letting it affect the quality of the work itself (I hope, since I've read only about two paragraphs of this scene) It's like one of those spamfics or ficlets created from threads from the FFML about whatever dead horse they're currently beating up. Is this a good thing? Well, it has the potential to be a good thing, granted that this plot point is used in a fashion that's either humorous or simply _not_ annoying. But I'll give you props in piquing my curiosity a little bit.

	He glanced around as the poison-loving twin did her work.  Nobody seemed
to be around other than the police; cleared out, or was this just not a 
popular
spot for drunken salarymen?

Suggest: salary men

one of the small boats, he and the twins climbed in.  Good thing he could 
drive
a boat.

If it's a boat that can be driven, then shouldn't it be mentioned that it's a speedboat as opposed to a sailboat or a boat with paddles? There are more than one kind of boat, y'know. 

Well, sort of.  Well, at least enough to go in a straight line.

	"Are you two ready to go?" he yelled over the roar of the engine.
Another reason to be glad the twins were here.  He remembered from the anime
Blue Seed that this monster Link had sensed was like a monstrous jellyfish, 
and
its flesh was very acidic, styming 

Styming is not a word. Suggest revision. 'Stymied' cannot be made into a gerund-form adjective since it already _is_ an adjective (as opposed to a verb). Suggest the simpler "stopping", "thwarting", or similar words. And if you think inventing words in prose is funny, then you have to ask yourself... are you writing the materials for stand-up comedy or are you writing a story? Making fun of your story is not greater than making a funny story. Cheap laughs can only get you so far, and for readers who have been weaned from the steaming pieces of... works FF.net has to offer, you have to seriously reconsider your methods of prose and persuasion to be an effective fic writer.

all attempts by Kusanagi and the TAC to

defeat it until Matsudaira (the scientist) had come up with the idea to 
solidify
its mostly-liquid form with a large quantity of the polymers they used in
diapers to solidify liquid waste, thus rendering it able to be destroyed.

(snickers) Rendering it 'able to be destroyed'? How about rendering it 'destroyable'? Wait, skip that suggestion, it sounds lame... How about rendering it 'powerless' or rendering it 'helpless' or something? 
  

He'd
at first been thinking that he'd get some large bags of salt to do a similar
trick, but Pink and Link pooh-poohed the idea upon hearing it.

Pooh-poohed? What do you mean by pooh-poohed? Do you mean 'shat'? Is this yet another in-joke that went past my head? Because, IMO, a humor piece where I have no idea which part I'm supposed to laugh isn't a very good humor piece.

mitama easy pickings.

'mitama' means what?

	"Don't worry about us," Pink yelled back.  "Just make sure you keep that
plant-guy out of our way, over."

Kurama: (pout)

	Oh well.  Wouldn't be too glorious-looking for him this time, fighting
off the heroes.  But worth it for a little peace of mind with his allies. 

The last sentence sounds Yoda-like. Suggest: But it would be worth it for...
 

"I'll
make sure of it, but you two be careful.  Remember, that thing has lots of
tentacles to attack with, and it's acidic enough to eat through steel."  It 
was
true...as they drew nearer the afflicted cruise ship, he saw the dark shape
looming over the bow.  The metal there was quite damaged from the creature's
corrosive form, the hull eroded and split.  Not down to the waterline yet,
though.

Nitpick: As I am wont to emphasize 'show not tell' (Though I myself have trouble applying it... Just how do you do it, Mr. McSpon? You make it seem so easy...), I will say this: You don't need a character of yours to state the obvious. Link and Pink have eyes, after all. And if you do need your character (out of spite, I dunno...) to say what he said, then you need not show the character demonstrating what he just said. Simple enough. It's either show or tell, not both, IMO.

must have been already looking forward to finally getting her hands on the

(wince) Must have been already looking forward? You need to cut that phrase down two words or so. Get rid of 'have been already' and settle for, 'Must be looking forward...'

	Either way, it made this worth it.  Chris smiled.  "Can do.  You two
ready to jump?"
	"Ready, over!"

What's with the cloaked twin's repetitive mentioning of the word, 'over'? Chris doesn't seem to bother with it at all. What gives? Is this another joke that whizzed past me?

	The first thing he saw was Kusanagi.  

Iori (RECBT): KUUUUSHHHNAAAAGIII!!!

The orange-skinned man was

Hey, is this one of those NES-age villains that glow orange when their nearing death or unconsciousness? Or is Kusanagi in one of his 'cute' moods right now, glowing red after hitting one of his cheap-ass supers?

standing about eight meters in front of them, one hand in the pocket of his 
red
trenchcoat,

Suggest: "trench-coat" or "trench coat"

the other rubbing the back of his head.  Before him was the 

likely
object of his consternation.  The jellyfish aragami was about two stories 
tall,
and twice that wide.  

Pink: That's one hell of an aragami. Godzilla must have been the one who made it.

Link: (whaps Pink on the head with a paper fan) That's 'origami', you idiot!

It was a dark purple in colour, 

It was dark purple in colour, (get rid of the 'a')

	That got his attention again.  "You -what-?"
	He smiled.  "Just what I said.  I'm here to beat the aragami and take
its 

Kusanagi: (layeths the smackdown on Chris before he can finish his sentence, then does on him his own patented maneuver for irony, the crippler crossface) Tap! Tap! Tap!

(shrug) Everybody knows that bashing the SI is fanservice at its best.

mitama."
	Kusanagi ran a hand through his short green hair and blinked oafishly a
few times.  Then he raised one finger and pointed it at Chris.  

Chris: Hey! That was uncalled for!

Kusanagi: (raises his other finger on his other hand) I dunno, it seems very badass to me.

"Okey-dokey. 

 I
have no idea who you are, but you obviously have some sort of problem, so 
for
your own good I'm going to knock some sense into you and then, I dunno, drop 
you
off the side of the ship."

(wince)

He paused, then added sarcastically, "If that's

okay?"

I have no idea why he doesn't just do as he said. Of course, I have no idea where you picked up this orange-skinned, SNK-Ikari-team-leader-name-a-like person. 

	Well, that was easier than he'd expected.  Grinning, he leaped back onto
the superstructure of the cruise ship.  "Bring it, carrot-boy!"

SI that knows most of everything there is to know about everyone in the fic... Check. Just once, I'd like to see a guy that absolutely has no idea what's going on in the crazy world of Japanese cartoons in written form.

Link frowned more deeply than usual and followed her. Her sister paused just 
out
of the reach of the aragami's tendrils. Link joined her, pulling back the 
hood
of her cloak so she could more easily reach her stores of unguents and 
powders.

I don't think 'stores' is the right word for that. Suggest revising.

	"It seems to be content to just sit there and dissolve things," Pink
pointed out as she shook her head. "What a waste, over."

Your repetitive and needless use of the word 'over', even though you're both civilians and not military is grating the reader's nerves, over. Perhaps I don't just get it, over. Maybe it's supposed to be funny in some sort of way, or it has been established before in the previous chapters to the point that it has become a catchphrase of the twins, over. All I'm saying is... look at how annoying this comment of mine is getting by repeatedly using the twin's 'over' shtick, over. It's simply unbecoming, over.

	"You would prefer it start attacking us, over?" Link said as she rolled
her eyes. Pink had, by now, joined her in laying out a selection of their 
most
potent potions and infusions. Link ran a trained eye over the selection her
sister was offering up,

'sister offered'

But the sentence still reads weird to me, even if you make use of the correction. I suggest rewording the sentence so that it would read simpler and not so awkwardly. 

 and began to remove those she saw as worthless for 

the
current situation, while replacing them with ones she thought applied more. 
Pink
mimicked her actions, correcting Link's mistakes even as Link corrected 
hers.

Heh. One step forward, two steps backwards. Your first comedic situation that actually worked. Or I could be wrong and the twins were actually being meticulous about their selections. (ponders)

	"Hmm, I'm not sure about that, over..."
	"You're right! It'll need to defend itself against the attacks of the
aragami. So we mix in a little venus flytrap. You know, to eat the 
tentacles,
over."

Quaint. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be expecting a comedy. Or a drama. Perhaps I should instead be expecting some action? Maybe there'll be a little bit of everything in this fic. Nevertheless, I can't seem to find a point of interest in your fic that I'd actually find interesting, but that's just me. Y'see, Pink and Link are the comedy gold twins. Their antics and personalities have so much potential... potential wasted in this fic, seeing that they're now both the no-nonsense types whose personalities and names are interchangeable at this point, despite Chris's li'l note about how much he likes Link's personality more than Pink's. Feh. As if they have any personality during the course of this fic.

	"No, what I meant was... is it really a good idea to randomly use an
untested superweapon

Suggest: super weapon

 plant on this plant-based acidic monster whose origins 

and
powers we do not even begin to understand, over?"
	"What sort of nonsense is that, sister?! We are the masters of plants
and all things flora! What could possibly go wrong, over?"
	"You're right. How silly of me. So, you ready now, over?"
	"Yep, over."
	"Then on three. One... two..."

It gets to the point that the Wonder Twins plus their monkey would be entertaining than these two plus their li'l SI primate.

	The deck itself was deserted. Ran backed away, letting Ranma vault onto
the woodpaneled deck.

wood-paneled

	"Ever hear of feminine dignity, Ranma?"

Suggest: "feminine decency" instead of "feminine dignity"

	"Hey, earth to Ran," Ranma snapped her fingers in front of Ran's face.
"We're on the other side of the ship and if I want to, ya know, save the day 
and
everything... we'll have to go that-a-way." Ranma jerked her thumb towards 
the
curve of the ship's hull.

I think it needs to be noted since I'm already in page twelve of this so-far thirty-three page C&C... The pacing of this fic sucks. To think, this is even just the first half. The length of this chapter is indeed notable, but so far from what I've seen not much is really going on. It's going at a snail's dragging pace. Nothing much is really happening. The line in between significant plot point A to significant plot point B isn't a straight line, but a really squiggly one that tends to meander and beat around the bush.

	"Lead the way then... look out!" Ran leapt back, only a fraction of a
second slower than Ranma herself. The huge wire-mesh frame crashed down 
between
them a moment later, caving in the wooden floor and sending a shower of 
sparks
flying in all directions. Ran landed, shaking the ringing aftertone of the

No such word as 'aftertone'. Suggest: ringing in her ears from the impact

impact from her ears. It looked like a radar... thingie of some kind.

Suggest: a radar... thingy of some kind

	"I thought I told you-"
	Ran was cut off by a pair of feminine shrieks of pure terror. You know,
the kind that always filled the soundtracks of horror films.

(shrug) No laughs from me here. This kind of humor is typical of bad and IMO unfunny fics where author asides are rampant and are used as a pathetic attempt at humor. Sentient Narrative Prose, as I call it. Better authors can pull this off, but better authors also have the common sense not to use it for an entire chapter or an entire fic. 

Opinions are varied on this, but for me (and others, I'm sure), an author should never, ever talk directly to the readers in the middle of a story. As an author, you should be working to develop the illusion that your story is actually happening and your reader is actually experiencing it. Nothing blows this out of the water quite like talking directly to the reader. It's never as funny as you think it is, and even if it is, we didn't come to hear a stand-up comedy routine about these characters, we came to experience a _story_ featuring them. Most of the time, fics that make use of this and make use of this a lot as a crutch to make the story funny fails miserably in that regard.

Don't think that just because you are trying to write humor that you don't have to worry about whether it makes sense. Humor *has* to make sense, even if it's in a twisted or exaggerated way. Oh, and humor is supposed to be funny, but I guess that's needlessly mean-spirited for me to say. I'll instead note that a fic shouldn't have an audience of one and that people _other than_ the author could glean something... anything... from the fic, as long as it's not the unintentional humor of an Ed Wood movie.

My suggestion? Keep the narrative in the point of view of the character it's highlighting. Even though narration here third-person omniscient, the narrator does not brag about being such an omniscient being, or constantly remind the reader that he's there... he simply does his damn job of narrating the damn story. 

	Well, she could certainly understand the shriek now. The thing that was
perched on the bow was about four stories tall, covered in a thick purple 
shell
that had thousands of spiny needles growing out of it in all directions. 
Each of
the spines was dripping a noxious ooze that, when it hit the ground, ate 
through
the steel with both disturbing speed and a painful-sounding hiss. Out from 
under
that shell stretched dozens of tentacles, each tipped with a horrible, 
slime-
covered mouth large enough to swallow a cow whole.

While I certainly wouldn't suggest replacing this part with purplish prose, this descriptive part of your fic still sticks out like a sore thumb... a sore thumb which the narrative describes in full... every last blister, every last hairy wart, and every last pus-filled, scabbed wounds. The Sentient Narrative Prose goes hand in hand with gratuitous descriptions to create... this monster of a paragraph that, as far as I know, adds nothing to the story. Not that I have any idea what _could_ be added to the story since looks nothing more to me than an SNL sketch gone bad, but....

A heart-stopping alien

screech was being blasted from each of the mouths... reminded Ran of nothing 
so
much as King Ghidora. 

(crickets chirping) Nope, still nothing.

	"You two! Hold still, I'm coming!"

Pink: Not yet! Not yet! I'm not yet ready! Awww... shoot.

Link: You know how it feels when you're about to watch your favorite show when all of the sudden there's a blackout? That's how we girls feel about men with premature... problems. (nods sagely)

	Ran didn't even bother to glance in Ranma's direction as she sprinted
across the deck towards the... Cthuloid Monstrosity. Oh, she liked the ring 
of
that. "Cthuloid Monstrosity Attacks Tokyo Bay!" Ran quoted into her 
recorder.

I didn't realize that Japanese tabloids were familiar with Cthulu lore. They probably aren't and this is probably yet another manifestation of Sentient Narrative Prose Syndrome since it's such a geeky, nerdy topic to be discussed, but I digress.

That would sell a few papers.
	Ran then realized she was missing the show. Flipping up her camera,

Suggest: Flipping her camera up,

Ranma's
approach until she had scooped them up, one in both arm. With a deceptively
simple twist of her step Ranma somehow reversed her momentum and backflipped

Suggest: back-flipped

away from the creature, seconds

Suggest: Get rid of the comma in between the words 'creature' and 'seconds'

Ranma then made her way back through the hell of

swirling tentacles, the wide-eyed passengers on her arms clinging tightly to 
her
(and flinging accusations at each other, but Ran would leave that part out 
of
her article).

That's a run-on sentence if I ever saw one. Suggest revising, the 'wide-eyed passengers' part of your sentence sounds very, very weird and awkward.

	With a final grunt, Ranma flipped clear of the Cthuloid Monstrosity's
reach. She spun elegantly, landing with a flourish directly in front of Ran.
Somehow, she had twisted the two girls out of their vicelike grips on her 

Suggest: vice-like

	"Hey, this is a great shot!" Ranma complained.
	"I'm a reporter, not a PR rep, Ranma," Ran pointed out. Then she took
the picture anyway.
	"Hey, you're not Chris, over!" the one on the right shouted accusingly.
	"Who are you, over?" Lefty added.
	"Are you trying to steal my mitama, over?" Righty continued.

Please give the comedic designs of Mr. Sentient Narrative Prose his well-earned cymbal clash. He could be a regular in Comedy Central. Ahahaha. Lefty-Righty, he say, instead of Pink and Link, over. What a comic genius.

	"Hey, I just saved your lives. You could be grateful," Ranma grumbled.
	"Oh, fine, if you insist. Thank you for saving our lives. Now go away,
over." Lefty said through her sneer.
	"Yes, thank you, but we have this totally under control, over," the
other frowned seriously.
	"Uh-huh... right..." Ranma drawled sarcastically.

Hey, that's my line.

	"What? I'm busy!" Ranma shouted back.
	"Monster!" Ran pointed.
	"Oh, right," all three said simultaneously. 

(cue laugh track)

	"Geez," Ran muttered as she snapped pictures of their... 'heroic'
escape. "Can't a girl remain a neutral observer around here?"

Can't the narrative remain a neutral observer around there?

	"STOP SITTING DOWN AND MOVING SO FAST, YOU JERK!" Kusanagi spat as the

~_~ Uh, right. How funny. And by funny, I mean weird and un-humorous.

Gee, why not rip an SI of his powers and his magical ability to speak Japanese so that the fic won't sound contrived, cliche and generally unoriginal?

Fic: But by then the SI would have nothing to add to the story!

...Exactly.

As simple test for me to assess characterization viability is to see if an original character/author avatar/self insert/hell, even a canon character can add to the story without having uber-powers. If they can, then they have good characterization. If the character can add to the story by means of _presence_ alone that even if he doesn't talk (hence the lack of knowledge in Japanese), he can still add to the story, then he's one of those rare, charming and non-annoying characters who can actually stand equal ground to the main character. But usually, it's enough for me to know that an OC/SI is well-characterized enough to be interesting and cool without creating ki-dragons of eternity that destroy the very essence of their enemies, thus making them demi-gods of ficdom.

radar tower tumbled down behind him. The boy was smirking at him and sitting
only a few meters away, looking calm and collected in his jeans and black t-
shirt. Kusanagi was beginning to hate that insufferable grin, and most of 
the
face it was attached to. 

Readers: (cheering for Kusanagi)

Even if you're taking great lengths to portray Kusanagi as weak and pathetic to the point of becoming Kuwabara-like, the presence of the annoying SI that doesn't even deserve to breathe the same breath as the other characters would probably goad them to cheer Kusanagi. I mean, they're both tedious and annoying characters, but at least the amount of suckage Kusanagi is nothing to the black-hole-like suckage power your SI Chris has.

	"Hmmm. Let me consider your proposition carefully and... NO!" the boy

-_- Interest waning... must resist temptation to make fun of or bash the fic without adding any comment on how to improve fic... also, must not claw eyes out....

Your SI character seems to be quite the stereotypical self insert. Well, big whoop-dee-do, what did I expect from reading something that has tagged itself 'blatant self insertion'? But still, it doesn't mean that the fic would have to take the concept of self-insertion to the letter. You don't have to make it into a _very_ typical self insert, boringness and cliche included. To think, I had high hopes of this fic being at least a tad different. But as the story unravels, the truth is revealed... this ain't no parody, it's a carbon copy of SIs that just happened to balloon to ten chapters. It takes self-interest and narcissism to a whole new level, even.

Anyways, here are the other typical cliches found in your fic:

First off, your fic's pacing sucks. Or rather, your fic has lack of points of interest. Either of the two or both. A fic with a definite lack of things to keep a reader interested would seem like a long, pointless read with nothing happening (hence the complaint about the pacing). Secondly, effective self-inserts are usually parodies of the genre. They have something new to offer. Even though the design itself is flawed, at the very least these innovative SIs (oxymoron, I know, but work with me here) can still make these kind of fics work. 

Thirdly, the characterization. To your credit, none of the characters were horribly lobotomized save for Ukyo who has the 'self-insert-in-my-head' syndrome. But none of them are particularly interesting or likeable either. Ranma reads like the typical, 'likeable', honorable guy who appreciates the hard work of a fellow martial artist and charms the ladies without even realizing it. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd say Ranma's the third self-insert of this fic... the 'I'm so honorable and nice I should be hired in a Disney Lead role, save for the fact that I can change into a girl' variety of Ranma-SI. Ran, the Pink-Link connection, and the rest of the characters who might as well be nameless are all very uninteresting as characters. 

Seriously, the characterization sucks not because it's inaccurate, but because the character's portrayal leaves the reader uninterested most of the time. I mean, aside from annoying the reader with repetitive 'over' catchphrases and being there for the sole purpose of listening to Ranma so that he won't monologue to himself about how Ukyo's admirable and how he's going to save the world again, what good has these characters done? Your fic is cluttered with flat, lackluster and tiresome characters that don't pique reader interest or sympathy at all. Ranma's the most characterized of the characters, but unfortunately he's also the most cliche, which leaves your fic mostly high and dry, I believe. The problem I have with Ranma's 'hero' characterization is that, well, he's just a little too soft. And lame. And so typical you could substitute him with most other heroes, provided you give them trans-gender curses. It's just ridiculous. He's so bland that he literally has nothing to set himself apart from other cliche-type, doesn't-even-realize-they're-charming heroes. He's got no personality, fic... none at all.

Also, you don't have a sense of what's interesting or not, putting in countless of pointless scenes for the sake of unnecessarily lengthening this fic.

Finally, your fic reads too typically, like you're not even trying to mock the cliches of a typical SI work. You've actually embraced the genre, which is quite sad and pointless. Nothing in this fic stands out to be interesting, fresh or new. It's like someone tried to dig up every single tired, old, and poorly written cliche in SIs and jammed them all together. Had this been an attempt at parody of comedy, or the writer was trying to make a point in how awful the SI genre could be, that would be one thing. However, the 'comedy' in this fic is mostly ineffective because not once did it try to make fun of the fact that it's SI. Its comedy is mostly composed of lame, hackneyed jokes done within the (sentient narrative) prose itself and lame, hackneyed jokes rammed down the throats of the characters for them to croak out during those 'critical moments' of joke time. This isn't a bad fic, but it is mostly a mediocre fic that goes nowhere and most of the time tries too hard to be funny, and fails.

	"What, you don't like tea? What sort of half-plant mitama-implanted
Japanese citizen are you?"

(groan)

If you're going for the 'wittiness' of Spiderman here... no. Just... don't. It's not working. Why? Firstly, an SI is like an unwanted ad or commercial. They are typically rammed into the throats of the audience without said audience's approval, and they typically interrupt programs/things of interest that the audience wants to watch. In this case, the things of interest that the SI is interrupting as he jams himself into the throats of the readers is more stuff about Ranma. Or perhaps any of the other anime you've thrown into this chopsuey of a fic. The readers want to read a story, or at the very least a story involving an interesting SI who makes use of readily available plot points instead of concentrating on making himself look good. So, simply put, the SI is about as witty as the sentient narrative prose, so obviously they might as well be one and the same at this point.

	Kusanagi responded by whipping his still extended arm towards the boy,
only to shout in frustration as the boy seemed to fade away from his attack.
Kusanagi blinked. The boy had vanished into thin air! How the hell did he do
that? And for that matter, how did he move without even standing up? And how 
did
he know so much about the mitamas? And... and... Damnit! Why couldn't more
people just be simple idiots he could intimidate into obeying him? Like the 
TAC?

SIs generally consists of typical scenarios in otaku wish fulfillment or (in this case) half-hearted jokes about otaku wish fulfillment. SI characters (and the lobotomized Nabikis who love them), in general, _are_ simple idiots who automatically think they're interesting or unique because of their super abilities sans personality and sans motivation. 'They just want to have fun while saving the world and acting 'honorably'' is the general motivation for these people. But really, who would act honorably when given super powers? Whatever happened to 'absolute power corrupts absolutely'? Is it really a person's first instinct to use his powers for good or is it more believable that a person would make use of their powers for self-gain and revenge against those that, in their eyes, have done them wrong?

SI: But if I do that, then I'd look like the bad guy!

At least you'd be an honest bad guy, ne? And there's the fanservice of seeing an SI get beaten up to a pulp by the main character, which is always cool.

It has the typical self-insert good guy who has squash matches (uneven matches where the SI is clearly the victor) simply by the virtue of seeing and reading about the guy he's fighting with in a comic/video game/anime and having uber-abilities he pulled out of the air. And, as if the SI element in the story isn't annoying enough, the author makes his presence known in the narrative, so we have author self-gratification in all fields, whether in story or storytelling. It's like hearing a song in stereo and in your head simultaneously... the SI never ends. Omniscient he is. Alpha-omega and all that shit.

Even with all the pokes and jibes, in its heart this is still a typical SI, flaws and all. (shrug) But I will admit that for some reason there are people who like this. Unfortunately, the SI authors usually outnumber the SI fans ten to one. Perhaps I'm simply not the type of audience that this fic would cater too. Of course, since one of my favorite fics of all time consists of a supposed agency that _extracts_ the self inserts out of a story, then I might not be the kind of audience you're catering to.

	"Oh fuck off, Kusanagi! We just got a bigger prob-" the rest of the
little worm's 

Well, now... for a minute there I thought _I_ was the one narrating this piece of... work. No dice, though... even if the sentient narrative prose occasionally insults himself/the SI, it still doesn't make up for all the suckage this one SI has brought to the fic. I mean, the only time Kusanagi had a chance against this Chris person is when he's distracted! Barf bag, please.

sentence was cut off as Kusanagi drove him headfirst into the

metal deckplates.

suggest: deck plates

The retort of the roof buckling under their impact caused

Hmmm. You're using retort in a way that's not "to rejoin angrily", so what does retort mean in this sentence of yours?

	"Never mind that!" he growled, waving his hands. "Look. Bigger problem!"
The worm pointed over Kusanagi's shoulder.
	"Like I'm gonna fall for that," Kusanagi growled and rose to his feet.

"I thought I saw something near that tree," Pink said, her attention focused on something behind her.

	"Oh for crying out... don't tell me you're using that old schtick?"

Revise: "schtick" to "shtick"

	"That was about what I was thinking when you cheaply attacked me from
behind," the worm offered.
	"This is all your fault, isn't it?" Kusanagi accused.

So Chris "The Worm" S.I. has his own Ryoga, it'd seem.

	"Huh?" the girl in the oversized (but wet!) shirt glanced at him. 

The Sentient Narrative Prose is a perv, apparently.

	Everyone stood still for a moment. The only sound was the horrible
crunching of the aragami eating the front half of the ship.
	"Uh... what are you talking about-"
	"Right, girls?" the worm shouted as he seemed to teleport to the smiling
girl's side and elbow her in the ribs. "That's Chris, the evil monster that 
has
tormented us for days and unleashed this mutated horror upon the earth!"

-_- The SI wins again. He's sooooo smart. Of course he'd have the ability to bluff as well as defy physics. While we're at it, let's call him Chris "Ranma 2" SI or "The Demigod" Chris or even "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters for being _that_ annoying.

	Kusanagi felt that the situation was slipping through his fingers. "But
we've never fought before!"
	"You fool! When you last fought me, I was a man!"
	"HUH?"

This could have amused me a li'l bit, had I not been feeling annoyance.

	Kusanagi was totally flat-footed when the fist slammed into his cheek.

I don't think 'totally flat-footed' is the saying you're trying to quote here.

	Chris almost felt like dancing as he rushed away from the impending
Clash Of The Gullible Morons, 

One thing I'd _loooove_ to see in an SI is to see the SI as the gullible moron for a change... because, really, if an SI can convince himself that he can make a fic work by being so obnoxiously and unrepentantly egotistical while dumbing down normally smart enemies so that he could look good (Ranma can easily pick up on his father's bluffs and usually makes bluffs on his own, so it'd really be a stretch to the imagination to see Ranma fall for a bluff in the onset of a battle), then he's the gullible moron that's blinded by his ego. 

but he was still practicing Sentarou's 'glide

around on the tips of his toes while sitting in proper Martial Arts Tea 
Ceremony
position' technique, so he stayed seated.  

...Or at the very least the SI should make a mistake doing that thing he does, since he's only 'practicing' Martial Arts Tea Ceremony. No human could possibly learn a technique on the first try without prior training. I doubt this SI has little more than geeky knowledge of martial arts and the various Ranma 1/2 incarnations to back up his so called skills. 

Still, that couldn't really have

worked out better if he'd planned it.  

That's a statement of irony if I ever saw one.

Oh wait... Don't tell me. This fic is actually like "The Truth Media" in Something Awful where a guy makes an article (or in this case a fic) which is fodder for a reactive fan base or some such! Ha! Good one! You soooo got me fooled... Hell, I'm _hoping_ you got me fooled and this isn't really a real fic (despite the glaring fact that this IMO train wreck had to tragically go on for ten chapters straight).

	"Hey, I thought I was asking the questions!  And watch out, it's trying
to eat you again."  They both casually dodged another tentacle strike.

So the tentacle monster/plant thingy serves nothing more than a conversation piece for the SI and his created character. Goody.

	Chris grinned a bit.  "Perhaps you were, but it's a cardinal rule of
news that information is traded, stolen or bought, hardly ever given for 
free."

Owners of Tabloids and Magazines that usually steal articles straight off the internet: (nods sagely)

	Ran grinned maliciously.  "What were you just saying about the exchange
of information?"

Funny how it's only the original character made up the author who gets the better out of the SI. 

	Without bothering to respond, he leapt up, unfolding his legs beneath
him.  Kodachi's techniques would serve him better here.  Judging the 
position of
the tentacles, he angled himself towards one stem.  From there, he could 
leap
nearer the main body and...

He laughed a familiar laugh, which bothered the tentacle monster to no end. The twins eventually cooked up a weed-killer-type poison to kill said monster. Cue FF victory trumpets.

	...a huge spotlight shone from above, glaring in his eyes.  His dead
eyes didn't need to squint, but as he looked over at it, he could only see 
the
silhouettes of helicopters.

As opposed to having human eyes that are made to squint, which would force him to do something really stupid, like land smack dab into the spiky, acidic center of the monster. But of course, the SI should be presented as infallible and not laughable.

	"HALT WHERE YOU ARE!" shouted an authoritative-sounding voice.
	Chris considered the difficulty of doing that in mid-leap for only a
moment before he touched delicately down on the stem of one of the tendrils.

The SI? Uncertain of his abilities? I am thundershocked.

Before the acid had a chance to eat more than eat through the soles of his 

"eat more than eat through" sounds awkward. Suggest revising. Must be the multiple times you've used 'eat'.

socks
he was away again, threading a ribbon through his hands.

Heaven be damned before an SI gets injured in his own fic.

Your SI reads like the superheroes of old... the superheroes of Saturday Morning Cartoons that never, ever have to deal with the danger of dying. Your SI has things easy. Now while this may be good for children ages three and up, it generally isn't very good a move to use for your fic. I mean, readers would easily lose interest to see monsters used as fodder or characters dumbed down enough for the SI to freely manipulate. Where's the conflict? Is there even any conflict? What's the point? Personally, I find these types of stories boring and unimaginative, since they are written solely as author wish-fulfillment... but I'm sure you've heard that before. The SI author usually has an intended audience of one. He sets out only to please himself, and therefore, runs the risk of entertaining only himself, even if his work is read by the thousands of Internet readers. So is this really nothing more than seeing an SI version of yourself being uber-powerful and whose only motivation to move the story is to solve a problem he probably already knows the answer to? Talk about killing any possible potential for conflict! 

I mean, though Takahashi inexplicably favors Akane above all the other fiancees despite the way she wrote her character, she at least peppers conflict in such a way that the reader doesn't immediately conclude that Akane really going to end up with Ranma and that Akane has everything go too easily for her. Akane's frustration with Ranma shows that that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Takahashi has her red herrings in the form of Ukyo and Shampoo. Akane's personality clashes with Ranma's most of the time. Ranma honestly tries his very best to be as vague as possible about who he loves. Reader interest is piqued and maintained among readers. Debates about who the best fiancee for Ranma are made. All of this is possible because Takahashi doesn't let her 'bias' for Akane affect her writing in any way. So why don't you dare to be different with your SI. Make him do stupid things. Have him see that working knowledge on the intricate plots of the myriad of animes he knows about is not enough to make him a master manipulator. Have him learn Japanese. Hell, have him speak broken Japanese that would make even Shampoo wince. Have him fall in love with a character without the character reciprocating his feelings (instead of the other way around, which is typical of SIs). Have him not have any control of the powers he gains. Or, if you wanna be Carrot-like about him, make him the enemy of the state. Instead of character bashing, he should be literally bashed by the characters so he'd have more character. Find something interesting to do in this fic that doesn't interest the author only. 

	Okay.  NOW to deal with the TAC.
	One of the helicopters was closer than the rest.  A door was open in the
side, and a figure in it.  She was holding some sort of long tube...oh, that
must be Matsudaira, with her diaper-polymer-gun-bazooka-thingy.  He watched 
with
idle curiosity. 

Like the reader, save for the curiosity part.

	Also around then, the aragami reminded everybody of its projectile
weapon capacity by blowing the helicopter out of the sky with one of its 
spines.

So here and now it shows that SI Chris > Helicopter in terms of dodging power. Hmmm.

	Chris mentally retracted his earlier comment about how everything was
working out perfectly.  Or even well.  Or even 'not half-bad'.  He looked 
around
for Ran.  She wasn't hard to spot, given the large flashes of light 
emanating

>from her position.  He leaped beside her.  "Okay, I need a favour."

"Y'see, I'm actually the 'writer/creator' of this world, and I've written myself into a dead end. The monster-of-the-week appears to be far more powerful than I had anticipated and, though I'll probably not die since I created this world, I have no idea how to fix this little problem I've written myself into. Do you get it?"

"Sooo let me get this straight... you're God..." Ran started.

"I didn't say that. Well, I might as well, but it doesn't work that way. Look, will you help me or not?"

Ran was lost in her thoughts. "If you're really 'God', then tell me... Why do bad things happen to good people? Or to all people? Don't you even care? If you really are omnipotent, then why don't you do everything in your power to save people who are in need of help? Why...?"

Chris groaned inwardly, tuning out Ran's ranting. 

	Because I'd sink like a stone, he thought sardonically.  

Ooooh, so the SI has his Kryptonite. Funny how it doesn't affect him all that much, to the point that he immediately had a plan in his head as soon as the shit hit the fan. Nothing fazes him, eh? So much for the token weakness.

Out loud, he

composed his voice and said patiently, "Because there's you, me, and two 
non-
combatants here.  Someone has to swim a little ways to save someone, and 
someone
has to fight the giant monster.  Do we have to rock-paper-scissors for this, 
or
do you have a preference?"

Preference for what? In any case, I don't think 'preference' is the word you meant to use here.

	At this point, Ranma walked up beside them, the unconscious form of
Kusanagi draped over her shoulder.  Her clothes were in tatters and she had 
a
few bruises on her face, but otherwise seemed fine.  Actually, seemed 

Actually, she seemed

	Ranma, being, well, a Gullible Moron, promptly turned to look.  

9_9 For someone who uses the 'look over there' technique frequently, your portrayal of Ranma sure is dumb and unbelievable.

That was

when Chris grabbed Ran by her vest and hurled her out in the general 
direction
of Matsudaira.
	"HEY YOu jerrrrrrkkkk..."

Chris incidentally was in a Pokemon fic, so like Megaman after defeating an opponent, Chris had acquired Pikachu's powers.

While emphasis on what's happening to a character by showing it his inflection of speech or in the dialogue is okay, over-emphasizing it to the point that you've done is a bit too much for the reader to take.

	So much for his good writeup

write-up

	Headache...increasing...  "Ranma...just...hit me later, okay?  There's a
ship and two innocent women to save, and I don't really care if you kill the
monster or go save them, but they're both more important than revenge, 
right?"

Ranma: (shrug) Don't worry. This'll be over real quick. *wet squelching sound*

	Ranma considered that for a fraction of a millisecond, and then Chris
felt himself flying back into the ship's railing with enough force to dent 
it.
His jaw was apparently dislocated. 

And the readers go wild! 

...Provided that they even got to this part of the fic.

Ranma: 'apparently'? Come on, if a jaw is dislocated, then a jaw's dislocated! Don't be so cheap with the fanservice, fic!

	Huh.  He would've figured Ranma would have gone for the glory of
beating the monster.  Maybe he didn't trust Chris to actually save them.  Oh
well.  He ran over to where Pink and Link were, dodging spines and popping 
his
jaw back into place as he went. 

Feh. SIs can be more forgivable in fics if they act like the Hanagatas or Kennys of fanfic bashing. I mean, instead of character bashing, why don't these SIs bash themselves for a change?

How to insert, how to insert...ahah.

Me: How to extract, how to extract... Ahah. (calls number, explains to person on the other line the situation)

Carver: Understood. Typical self-insert using every cliche in the book. At least it's not one of those 'Sayajin' inserts. Those bastards.

Hale: I don't have to wear a thong for this mission, right?

	Walking forward, he took hold of the edge of some of the exposed metal
plating of the deck.  Yanking off a good-sized chunk, he rolled it into
something approximating a cone.  That ought to do.

Chris: Making cones out of exposed metal plating? Pssshaw. I saw Supes to that in two seconds flat in Super Friends when I was a kid! And Supes kicks ass and I want to kick ass! I the SI is so cool, with all the wittiness of Spidey, the fast thinking of Batman and the unparalleled brawn of Supes! I'm the only one who could save the day. And obviously Ranma wouldn't find a way to get through the monster I create--er, saw was very Cthulu-like, because he's very much a moron! He's so stupid when it comes to creating special technique upon special technique and stuff, he's practically worthless in battle. And aren't Pink and Link great now that their intrinsic personalities and everything else interesting about them have been stripped off of the both of them... over? LOLZERZ!

<<<snip overly long and self-insert-aggrandizing/aggravating scene>>>

	"Well, it didn't exactly work out great, but it worked out.  Now let's
get the hell out of here."

Chris: But don't worry, gentle readers... even though I'm nearly perfect, I am not God. No, no, no... Not even close. For if I were a God, wouldn't my plan to destroy the Cthuloid Muck be flawless in execution, et al? Sure, he got destroyed anyway by my superior intellect/I'm an author avatar, and as an author I should know the monster's weakness, even though my fanfic counterpart happened to 'luck out' on it, so to speak. Wasn't that flawed of me? Tell me how loveable I am now that I've humanized myself, for not all of my plans work exactly as I want them! You can really relate to me now, can't you, readers? Readers? Reeeaaders... Yooohooo...

	"Stupid curse." If Ranma had been a man, he could have won that fight
against the guy in the red trenchcoat sooner. That might have prevented 

trench coat

Chris

>from getting away with tossing Ran out into the ocean.

Chris: Well, y'know how it is. Plot points centered around me and all that.

You'd think the girl

would have been able to stay conscious after such a short throw, but she had
been sinking almost as fast as the old broad.

Chris: Again, ignore the fact that I waked up almost instantaneously after you slugged me while you sunk like a rock at sea and went out like a light even though you don't usually do stuff like that after being thrown a short distance. Never mind the fact that you've traveled to China through the sea by swimming, or you're as tough as nails, when _I_ say you'll sink like a rock and go out like a light you'll do it 'coz this is _my_ story!

"I can't wait to see what happens next in this Self Insert story of yours, Mr. Author," said no one.

	As if cued by his attention, the woman began to cough and roll on the
ground. 

Chris: On cue as always! Great job, old woman # 1! Now let's prepare for my next big scene! I'm not sure what it is, but I'm sure it'll make me look really cool!

Ranma: Now here's one of the reasons why the director should stay behind the camera and not in front of it. Hell, even Kevin Smith was at the very least willing to be made into the gay love bear of Jay instead of being full of himself on film. I mean, would Star Wars have been better if it was George Lucas who Luke had to fight with?

Chris: Nonsense, Rocky was a good film even if Stallone was in it! And Clint Eastwood regularly stars in his own directed films. What's the problem, over? ^___^

Akane: (grabs Chris then jerks him up a nearby wall) Listen you self-aggrandizing, cocky, irritating, contrived, hackneyed and cliche self insert! If you were making a fresh, new story and you wanted to center a character based on you or is you in it, that's one thing. But to write about a story that's not even your own and then making your self-based character the king of the hill without so much as a teensy bit of development is whacked! What do readers care about your self-inserts? You can't see it because you actually care, but then is your sole purpose of writing this fic to satisfy your own geeky fantasies about pulling the wool off of Ranma's eyes and making metal sheet cones?!

Carrot: (shouts out in the background helpfully) Do it in your sleep like normal people, you freak!

Nabiki: Hey, fic... Here're some little tips for you. It doesn't matter that Chris and whoever else is inserted here is based on the author or not. For a reader, it's just yet another annoying character out of many annoying characters that try to cram themselves into the reader's throat without so much as a whoop or a warning. It's not funny how you fool around with Ranma's mind or how much you bash Ranma. The people will still cheer for Ranma. It doesn't matter how much Kbs you've used to establish Chris etc. as the center of the universe. Readers don't want to read such drivel. 

	"I... thank you, you're probably right," the lady agreed. "Did you
rescue me?"
	"Yeah." Ranma smirked, but his smirk faded quickly. The fact that he had
saved the two of them was fine. But more importantly, Chris had used them
against him. Chris... Ranma was going to get another shot at that jerk. Next
time, there would be no innocent victims for him to use against Ranma.

At last, a real plot point... Save the fact that the overpowered martial artist that makes use of miscellaneous character abilities in the series or makes up a power 'just for fun' has been done before.

Carrot: (sneezes)

Aaaand, it's been done well and good. I mean, Carrot's Insertion is still racking up lots of reviews at FF.net, even though it's currently in hiatus for some reason. Your fic, if you intend to follow in the footsteps of Carrot, decisively lacks all of the great things that make up a fic of his. First of all he has long outgrown the "intrusive sentient narrative prose that does stand up comedy from time to time" thing. Secondly, his plot ideas are genuinely unique and hilarious. His type of comedy makes fun of the genre itself more, as opposed to your fic which is struggling to make fun of something and never gets any kind of laughs from the readers, IMO. You're not parodying the genre, you're exalting it, and that's basically the problem I have with your fanfic. It reads exactly like any other self-insert fanfic without you even realizing it. The only real laughs this fic has are those unintentional ones reminiscent of my "Guy wears a Mariah Carey t-shirt and everybody laughs without him cracking one joke" example. That's just sad.

I stand by my belief that the genre has been popularized somewhat because it was practically created to be parodied. Hell, I recently learned that the term "Mary Sue" came from a fanfic parodying "Mary Sue" fanfics, and this was written in 1974! Up until now it exists, written by newbies who don't know better. That's how old, sad, and worn-down your fic ideas are. No where in this fic did I find a scene (save the one mentioned above) that was even remotely interesting, intriguing, or unique. Nothing was parodied, and the jokes have been cracked for cheap laughs, character bashing or outright geekiness.

	"But... you're just a human being!"
	"Well, duh." Ranma rolled his eyes.
	"That's simply not possible!" Matsudaira insisted.

See her disbelief? Multiply that ten times when it comes to a self-insert. 

Reader: He's a frickin' fanfic writer, and he expects us to read his wish fulfilling fantasy to be an undead soul-stealing monster that'd even give Ranma Saotome pause? Unbelievable! Get real!

Wrestling Fan: David Arquette is an actor, not a wrestler. His winning of the WCW belt has ruined the credibility of the title. He has no business wrestling! That was one of the worst mistakes that the WCW made... Hell, it's the worst mistake ever, bar none! That's why WCW got bought by WWE. 

Yuyu Hakusho Fangirl (after watching the 2nd Yuyu Hakusho movie): Okay, so let me get this straight... Some old, white-haired guy suddenly appears in front of Kurama and the gang and then subsequently beats the crap out of everyone? But he's so boring! He wants to have the ultimate power... Du-h, like who among the villains doesn't? Captain Boring Whatshisname even did a little Dragonball Z number with Yusuke... like, oh my gosh, that was sooo lame! I don't believe it at all!

Rurouni Kenshin Fangirl: (after watching the filler episodes) Okay, so let me get this straight... Some vaguely girly-looking guy is more powerful than Kenshin, even though he has never faced the likes of Shishio, Aoishi, or Soujiro? And the writer's explanation for that is because he's a 'genius'? Give me a break. Boring and unbelievable. Next.

Self Inserts (and the overpowered 'canon' characters that producers insert in an anime show's filler ep or movie version to make things interesting) have only one thing going for them... They're supposedly better power/skill-wise than the heroes. Unfortunately, this means that they have the personalities of lamp posts but not as bright. And the wrestling fan summed it up quite nicely... the SI is David Arquette amongst wrestlers. Wrestling is fake? Well, it has to be choreographed or else we'd have less wrestlers. Fake enough to make David Arquette win? Sure, but it won't make it in any way entertaining. No matter how intricate a plot or how good the two or more series you've crossed over is, it'll all fall apart because you have no idea why exactly people hate SIs.

	"Yeah, what she said!" Ranma gave a grateful look to the scientist lady.
She smiled back. Hey, she didn't look half-bad when she smiled. If you were 
into
the middle-aged woman type, he guessed.

Ranma: She looks just like mom! <3 <3 <3

	"I know... but... but that camera was everything to me..." Ran crossed
her arms over her chest and hunched her shoulders. "It cost me... I can't
possibly replace it. Especially since without my shots, I don't even have a
story and..."

Ran: Oh yeah, as a camera owner I should know first and foremost that a camera that's wet with salt water is as good as a pet rock when you need to take pictures with it! And I won't even go there with dirty salt water and film... I should have been bawling the minute I realized that my camera's in Tokyo Bay, along with all the other hooligans that yakuza are wont to throw into the water!

As an aside, since I'm basically using the same 'humor' as your sentient narrative prose, let me say this... Trying to be humorous when pointing out mistakes and some such in a narrative, thus not needing to break any proverbial fourth wall is okay. Using this kind of 'humor' in prose when there is such a thing as a proverbial fourth wall is more than discouraged.

Ran began to shudder. "...and..." Ran began to sob and hiccup.

Ranma stared, unable to do anything but watch the tears begin to flow out of 
the
corners of her eyes.

Ran: ;_;

	"Oh man, stop crying," Ranma stood up and began to stretch. "I'll go get
your stupid camera." He turned and walked over to the edge of the dock. 

Ran: A lot of good that'd do! My camera's practically broken now that it's wet!

Ranma: Ssshhh! This is another one of the author's plot points! Don't ruin it! I'm supposed to be sweet and kind and caring and then you'll realize it! 

	"Yes," Ran was smiling at him now. Her wet hair was plastered along the
simple curve of her cheek and her eyes shone with the sparkle of fresh 
tears.
Ranma blinked; wow, how did someone go from so angry to so... cute so 
quickly?
"Thank you, but I'll live without it."

Ran: Just realized that one little thing just now. Silly of me to forget, since I'm a photographer...

	Ranma shrugged and sat down. Then spent the next few minutes fending off
Matsudaira's endless questions until the ambulances arrived.

Matsudaira: Eyng? I have endless questions? I've practically shut up the whole time these two lovey-dovey teens were having their little plot poi--er, moment.

	Shampoo was impatient.  She was standing in the living room of this
'Tendo Dojo' great-grandmother had brought her to.  The nice girl with the 
brown
hair had served tea, and was now sitting at the table looking pleasant 
and...
well, that was about it, really. 

One dimensional characterization of Kasumi, check...

The other girl, with the shorter brown 

hair,
was staring at her oddly, and flipping through some sort of scrapbook.  
Shampoo
was preferring to ignore that.

Suggest: Shampoo preferred to ignore that.

	Shampoo also didn't see Ranma, and that was what was making her
impatient.  She hadn't followed the elder here so she could watch her talk 
to
broken-down old men, she had been told this was where Ranma was!  So where 
was
she?
	She stamped her foot.  "Ranma!"  Everyone in the room was looking at
her, now.  The fat old bald man, especially, was looking even more nervous 
than
before.  Did he know where she was?  "Where... Ranma?"  She knew at least 
that
much of their primitive gibberish.

I'll give you props on Shampoo's POV take on Japanese. Barring all the other things I've already mentioned about half-hearted attempts at humor, convoluted plot points, character bashing and a self insert in all its 'glory', this is quite a good insight into the mind of Shampoo. Kudos.

	The brown-haired nice woman started talking.  She heard 'Ranma'
mentioned at least once, but couldn't really make out most of the rest.
Something about her being somewhere... "Great-grandmother," she said, 
reverting
to her native tongue.  "What did that girl say?  Where's Ranma?"

Eyng? So this time Shampoo really hasn't learned all that much Japanese? Because, ironically enough, the Shampoo in the anime had horrible knowledge of Chinese outside of 'Nihao' and 'Airen'. But of course, I'd be digressing and breaking the proverbial fourth wall this time. :P

	"Who's that?  Do they have something to do with Ranma?"
	"That is what I'm attempting to discover.  Really, child, you should
have been taking the time along our trip to practice your Japanese.  That is 
why
I gave you the Stone of Acclimation, after all."

It's a stone that makes fish/wood moisture content to become used to a given environment?

	 Ranma scuttled backwards on her hands and feet like a crab.

Okay, so it's a stone that turns humans into crabs which can easily become used to a given environment to maintain their so called homeostatis?

Ripping

the mace from the splintered remains of the floor, Shampoo pointed it at 
her.

Shampoo: (spritzes the mace on Ranma)

Ranma: (howls in utter pain)

"Ranma... Shampoo kill!" she threatened in Japanese.

Ranma: Kill what?

Shampoo: Ranma!

Ranma: Yeah?

Shampoo: Shampoo kill Ranma!

Ranma: Um, so will you shampoo or kill me?

Shampoo: (whines in frustration)

Seems to me that your Shampoo's really laying it thick on the caveman/Tarzan speak, despite her aforementioned hatred for the 'primitive' Japanese language.

	Ranma seemed distracted, however, as the short-haired girl with the
scrapbook was yelling at her, pointing angrily at the holes in her house.  
Ranma
turned somewhat away, yelling back.  An opening!  With a fierce yell she 
leaped
forward, whipping both bonbori together as she did.  Ranma's chest would be
crushed like a overripe melon between the two mace heads.

(nods) Well, well, well. My suspicions have been confirmed. The same way that most of Carrot's fics read well even without the self-insert, so does your fic... Well, except the part about the SI. Y'see, your portrayal of the SI is soooo terrible that your fic would probably be, ironically enough, better without him. As evidenced by this technique you've employed in the narrative (Shampoo's POV concerning the reactions of Ranma and Nabiki to her without her understanding a word of Japanese) is nothing short of exquisite. In fact, I myself would like to employ this technique someday in one of my techniques, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. I would simply like to note that without the sentient narrative prose's standup jokes and the annoying self insert, this part of the story is reading quite well, and dramatically so.

	Or that was the plan, except a staff was suddenly thrust out before her,
and the heads of her weapons bounced off it harmlessly.  
"Great-grandmother!"
Shampoo screamed in rage.
	"Calm down, child." the old woman said from her perch on top of Ranma's
head.
	"I will NOT be calm!" she roared.  "Great-grandmother, you are my
revered elder, but this is going too far!  You cannot interfere in my quest 
of
honour!  Remove yourself from the field of battle at once!"

As much as I like drama and the way you've handled this scene, this Shampoo is acting strangely (and this is a cliche saying of mine when it comes to C&Cing most fics) OOC. Shampoo is usually not disobedient of her grandmother's wishes. Hell, the one time she had to disobey, her granny sent her to Jusenkyo as punishment. Bottom line, though... an IC Shampoo would instead look at her granny in confusion and askance instead of outright indignation. Her line of "Remove yourself from the field of battle at once" makes me wince... the statement reminds me of Kuno, y'see.

OTOH, I'm not against a slight tweak into the inner workings of Shampoo's head as much as I am against pure self insert stories, granted that it adds to drama and not just some excuse to character bash someone.

	Shampoo's hands were shaking in rage.  "Not this again!  Look, you
stupid old woman!  That is a GIRL!  Her breasts are bouncing around more 
than
you are as she moves!"

Very OOC. How OOC? It's like this...

Akane: Hmmm. Looks like I won't be making an appearance in this part of the fic. Hey, Shampoo... want to try my Fanfiction angry pills?

Crow (from Megane 6.7's MSTs): If this is angry _Shampoo_ acts in this fic, I'm afraid to see the author's version of Akane!

	The old woman ignored her!  

I have seen at least four fics that makes use of the exclamation point to surprise the reader with a revelation! So far it has never worked! 

trying to escape.  "I don't need your help!" she growled.  "Get out of my 
way
and let me kill her!  Or take her shirt off if you have to!  Hell, strip her
naked!  But then she's mine!"

Nope, sorry. Not even fan service can save this fic now. 

	Shampoo roared in pure rage and punched through a nearby door like it
was made of paper.  Actually, it WAS mostly made of paper.  Stupid Japanese,
that wasn't satisfying at all.  

Heh. Well, at least that joke was mildly amusing, compared to the other jokes. Well, whaddyaknow... your first chuckle from me. Have a cigar.

She smashed her fist through a wall, which 

was
made of sturdier building material.  That felt better.  But only slightly.

(shrug) I've already pointed out the most obvious problem Shampoo has in terms of characterization. If Shampoo fans are in any way like Akane fans, then they'll be voicing out their complaints in a manner approximating to this:

Rabid Shampoo Fan: I've seen bimbo characterizations, and I've seen slut characterizations.... but a psychotically angry Shampoo? This, my friend, is a first! She's too sexy, nice, and cuddling of Ranma to be this angry at him! Sure, she goes through concrete walls for sport, but that's only a show of her incredible strength, not like Akane who usually gives a show of her incredible hate! She was chasing Ranma out of duty instead of strife! This is blatantly OOC that doesn't even make sense given canon precedents! Why I never...!

Or something to that effect. As for me? I find the whole conjectured debacle quite funny... in a twist of metaphorical irony, it's the Shampoo fans complaining about how psychotically angry Shampoo is in a given fic, instead of the usual cries of OOC of Akane fans... but that's a digression within a digression that I'd rather not delve into. Bottom line? Though the drama is palpable, Shampoo being this angry isn't kosher or logical given her personality and the circumstances.

"Great-grandmother, you can't do this!  This is against every law and 
protocol
to interfere with me for your own insane ends!"

Cologne: Nonsense, I do it all the time. Mostly fanfics, but I've done it most enough times for people not to care if it's fanon or canon.

	Shampoo gritted her teeth.  

Sounds weird to me. Suggest:

Shampoo grit her teeth.

	Shampoo clenched her fists.  This was impossible!  "Why didn't you tell
me about this?" she demanded.

Fic Akane: (wearing a purple wig) Why, grandmother? WHY!?!

	Shampoo wanted to punch something really, really hard again.
Thankfully, there were more walls around.  With that done, she turned her 
back
on the sobbing long-haired old geezer 

Cologne: (sobs) My poor, poor great granddaughter! Replaced by a flat-chested and psychotically angry girl!

Fic Akane: HEY! (her purple wig almost falls onto her face)

	"You tricked yourself, Shampoo."  Great-grandmother knocked away another
frantic attempt by the boy/girl to attack her and escape.  "You should have
known better than to assume I was either a fool or mistaken."

Suggest: "mistaken or a fool." Because it reads better, IMO.

  She grinned 

that
insufferable grin again.

Needless repeat of the phrase "insufferable grin", I believe.

	"Well, it doesn't matter!" Shampoo snapped.  "Stand aside, so I can kill
her, him, whatever!"

Ranma: Time out! Aren't you going to fall in love with my manly charms? My charming wit? My winning smile?

Shampoo: (thinks for a bit) Nope. Unless winning smile defeat Shampoo in mortal combat!

	"Ah ah ah,"

Suggest: "Ah, ah, ah,"

Crow (from Megane 6.7's MSTs): Well, I won't even bother making a joke out of that one. Oh wait, it's Cologne saying that, right? All together now...

All: Eeeewwww. (shudders)

Also... this section of your fic is halfway readable. I wonder why? Must be the plot progression, the characters actually interacting with each other instead of gaping at awe at the incredible feats of Captain Charisma Chris "without the 'tian'". 

	And now she had to marry him.  HIM.  The person she despised more
than... well, right now he felt like only her second-worst enemy in the 
world,
but that didn't make it any more palatable!

It's almost as if it was Mousse who Shampoo gave the kiss of death to!

This reads all new to me... must be because of the fact that this is the most OOC I've ever seen Shampoo portrayed. Not necessarily a good thing, but compared to the snore fest that was Chris "The Wurm" Self Insert was, it's a definite improvement. 

	"You... I... love."  Then she turned to the side and spat.

So lemme get this straight... Shampoo's Fic-Akane-angry in this story, Ukyo's driven to psychotic madness because of some dumb-ol' self insert (I'm guessing), I'm dreading what you've done to Akane and Kodachi will always be Kodachi. Right. At this rate, Ranma'll never get married! All because of the Psychotic Fiancees of Fan Fiction Hell!!!!1

So the immediate question that comes to my mind is... Is your plot in any way possible? The lobotomy of Shampoo aside, is it even believable. W-ell, the way Ranma defeated Shampoo twice in the manga give credibility to why Shampoo's so smitten with Ranma. "So why Shampoo be like this to Girly Man now?" I guess that, given the circumstances that somehow Ranma wasn't able to show his manly qualities to Shampoo and instead a seething hatred developed in the Amazon girl, then I guess it's kinda sorta believable. So what made Shampoo snap like that? I do hope the answer's not a shrug, a sigh, and a "because I felt like Shampoo should snap" explanation, because this goes beyond character bashing or character development, and I'm not exactly 'raring to go' to find out which is which by reading the past chapters. I'm not masochistic, after all.

	Now that girl Shampoo had shown up. With any luck, Nabiki would be able
to use her as a way to get rid of this nagging engagement with Ranma. True, 
it
hadn't really inconvenienced her that much. In fact, with the amount of time 
she
and Ranma spent actively avoiding each other and refusing to interact, they
barely even talked. Even the rumor mongers at school had let the torrid 
tales of
their tryst diminish.

With all these plot points left and right and several other crossovers in the background, why exactly do you need this to be an SI fic when it's the SI who actually ruins any chance that this fic might get read by many other readers?

	But it was the principle of the thing. Nabiki was used to playing her
tune, setting her own rhythm. Ranma's engagement had forced her to adapt to 
his
presence. Getting rid of him would be a more symbolic step than a necessary 
one,
but Nabiki would enjoy it nonetheless.
	"Father... it is obvious that Ranma and Shampoo love each other very
much and I, being a true lady, can not stand between such affection so I 
must...
BWAHAHAH!" 

Antivisima: (nods in agreement) Yep, that's Nabiki, all right.

Nabiki clutched her gut and shook her head. No, this would never 

work
unless she kept a straight face. Her father was a gullible idiot, 

Author: Spread the love? Bah! Spread the character bashing! Everybody in Ranma 1/2 sucks except me--er, the ever-lovin' self inserts of this fic!

The
problem was that Shampoo so obviously hated Ranma, it was hard to take their
pairing seriously.

Rabid Ukyo Fan: Take away the instance of Shampoo and replace it with 'Akane' and you'll have an idea of what we think of the so-called 'true fiancee'.

	Nabiki smirked. 

Boy, those cliche manipulative bad girls do smirk a lot.

At least she had advance notice of what all the

commotion had been about. She had read the data on Shampoo. In time, Shampoo
would fall madly in love with Ranma. Although why Ukyou had bothered to list
Shampoo as his 'main rival' was still something that perplexed Nabiki.

Ah, so this fic plays with the "pre-revelation" times of Ranma, where Ukyo was still largely known as a guy, Shampoo still largely knows Ranma as a girl... girly-man, that is... and hates him/her for it. That's a decent plot point. Too bad these plot points had to be dealt with in this format of fiction. As Carrot had proved that good stories can go beyond the self insert content, yours have proven that the self insert content can actually bog down every last bit of potential your story has. In fact, with the extraction of the self insert c/o Carver and Hale, the murder of the sentient narrative prose, minor brain surgery on the psychotic tendencies of Shampoo and the elimination of the dubious character bashings, then this fic would be a decent, if not mediocre, read. Not as good as all the other fanfics out there definitely, but at the very least it won't become the cream of the self insert crap.

She
hadn't expected to see him back for at least another week. Now that he had 
her
attention, the pathetic creature was gesturing to the side. Nabiki turned 
her
head and blinked. There was a tea stand not far down the pathway. Two and 
two
became four and Nabiki knew what Ryouga wanted. Of course, she had to play 
dumb.
Technically, she didn't 'know' about his curse yet.

So what happened to Nabiki? Some self insert tried to use her body to manipulate the events of Ranma 1/2 but the whole thing backfired on him after Nabiki gained control of _his_ memories and thought-processes? Nabiki's been 'spoilerized' of the entire 26 volumes of Ranma 1/2 and she wants to gleefully apply her ill-acquired knowledge in every way possible? 

Only in fanfics, folks. Only in fanfics.

occasional naughty glimpse she finally had carried the pig to a more 

Suggest: Get rid of the 'had' word in between 'finally' and 'carried'.

	"Say what?" Nabiki was proud of the fearful but hopeful tremble she put
into her voice.
	"I'm sorry." Ryouga ducked his head, planting both fists into the dirt
in front of his concealment. "I know... that means nothing. After what I did 
to
you. I know it can't take back what I did. I just wanted to say that."

This could actually be a great opportunity in drama if not for the dire and grave circumstances the fic makes light of. A girl making a guy think that he raped her and taking advantage of his subsequent guilt for her own, self-serving purposes? Soap opera, much? In any case, I must admit that your portrayal of Nabiki here would make her no. 1 detractor David Andersson proud. She truly is pure evil here, and it's fun to see how calculated and premeditated her 'acting' is in order to manipulate Ryoga.

	Nabiki remained silent. Her poise had to look agonized but also
sympathetic. Yet even so, she had to let a bit of anger show on her face. It 
was
a delicate balancing act of emotional manipulation, and Nabiki always cursed 
the
fact that you couldn't figure out how well the performance had gone until 
the
mark reacted.

Professional Wrestlers: (nods sagely)

	"I will..." Ryouga nodded. "But... is that it? I..." He looked down
again. "I can't... just this can't be the end of it!"
	"Isn't this better for you?" Nabiki hissed. "You've cleared your
conscience. You've offered contrition and penance. Now you can go back to 
being
a monster in peace. You never have to fear me revealing to anyone what you 
did."

Y'know, this trick will only really work on Ryoga, Nabiki.

Nabiki: Ssssh. I'm just getting to the best part of my performance!

	"Wait!" Ryouga gasped happily. "You can trust me. In fact, I can
guarantee that you will never need to fear me. All you need... is cold 
water."
	"Cold water?" Nabiki said slowly. Inwardly she was doing mental
cartwheels.
	"I have a curse. When I'm splashed with cold water... I turn into that
helpless and harmless pig you saw me as earlier."

Nabiki: Now, don't hold your applause now! (bows) Thank you, thank you...

	Ryouga snapped his attention back to her. "I'll need some cold water."
	"Then stay right here. I'll be back."
	Nabiki walked away slowly. Her back was to Ryouga, so she could safely
smirk. Things were going exactly as she planned. Now... she had her own 
patsy. A
strong patsy. She flipped out the notebook containing all the information
recovered from Ukyou's files once she was out of his sight. The page she 
needed
was already dog-eared. "Bakusaitenketsu..."

Suggest: "Bakusai Tenketsu"

Oh, a notebook. In Nabiki's hands. Containing spoilers from the series... Wait, so what are the Self Inserts for now that the notebook's in her hands? Get rid o' 'em!

she read the title aloud. Yes.

Ryouga would be a strong patsy, one that Nabiki was going to make even 
stronger.

I dunno about you, but it mostly sounds geeky to me if the best plot point you have mostly involves a special martial arts technique, as opposed to drama and intrigue. Not that I'm beyond doing such geeky stuff on fics, but at the very least I can identify and lessen geekiness by upping the drama quotient a bit.

To sum up, let me give out a "li'l" quote from Elsa Bibat's "A Long Strange Walk" which, in turn, quotes Mike Loader (I'll be giving my asides here and there to point out how the comments apply to your fic):

There's been a lot of discussion on the ML lately of new characters, self-insertions, and other things of that ilk. The topic's a pet peeve/concern of mine, and hence you get the following essay.

A disclaimer: I make no pretense of being the sole authority on fanfiction. This is all my opinion, and I reserve the right to be completely and totally wrong.

So you've decided to write your very own fanfic. You have the motivation. You have the talent. You have the spare time. You even have the plot: a mysterious teenager shows up at the Tendo Dojo one day, and...

Right. Stop right there.

Now obviously I haven't bothered to read your fic from the very start. Let me remedy that and take li'l sneak peek at the archives... oh, wait. I haven't exactly been archiving your fic. In any case, seeing the way the story has panned out _so far_, I could make either one of two guesses on how it began and developed... 1.) You had an 'original' spin on the self insert genre but it still basically came out as the same old thing in new colorful packaging; 2.) You had a genuinely original idea that got caught up in the traps of SI cliche one way or the other. Either way, the end result of your latest chapter remains the same. You blatantly pointed out that this is basically a self insert fic, and this is what you've got... a potentially okay story ruined by the self insert content. Is this emblematic of a usual comment detractors give to a Carrot fic? W-ell... no, because at the very least even though most people _could_ enjoy a Carrot fic if it didn't have the SI, the SI still contributes a lot to the story. Your SI actually detracts from the story. The very problem of your SI fic is the SI himself/themselves. It's getting that even though your SI acts as catalyst to many of the major plot points of the story (Nabiki getting a hold of Ukyo's 'spoiler book', for example), it would have been better if another catalyst had been used because SIs are basically writer copouts when it comes to using them as plot points, deux ex machina or catalyst. A catalyst by definition is an outside element that affects everything around it even though it is unaffected by its surroundings (see: The Pearl). An SI is a cheap way to make plot points because of the way it affects everything around it like an Act of God or an Act of Congress. Character personalities adjust, intelligence diminishes and physics is defied in accordance to the will of the SI, which is indicative of (IMO) lazy storytelling and uncreative imagination in the part of the author. Simply put, I feel as if this fic would have been worthwhile without the SI being around/the focus on the SI is taken away/the SI is turned into a less personified catalyst.

There's nothing wrong with adding a new character to a fic. All of the greats have done it, to various degrees of success, and it helps add a bit of uniqueness to the field. However, be aware that this character will make or break the fic, and if you do it incorrectly you'll get auto-deletes faster than you can say "Jusenkyo curse".

So how do you make a memorable character? Well, first, here's what NOT to do.

Don't have the fic revolve around the character. This is a horrible, almost always-fatal mistake. Your audience, as a rule, doesn't care one fig for the new guy until he grows on them, and if the plot involves him from the get-go you'll have your masterpiece consigned to the Great Fanfic Dustheap.

As Mr. Loader mentioned, making the SI the center of the Ranma universe is a no-no. Even more so with your fic, because the Ranma Universe is not the only universe revolving around your SI. The names of the universes occupying this fic should be indicative enough of why the SI shouldn't revolve around those universes. These are not his universes. He is an intruder, a gaijin, an enemy. Nothing riles an audience more than performer who tries to cram himself down each and every one of their throats *coughTripleHcough*. That's what your SI is doing. When Ranma is around him his smarts suddenly decide to take a vacation. No major event will happen unless your SI doe something about it, despite the number of major characters loitering around in this fic. Nabiki's own (admittedly cool) plot point had to come by way of SI express. Your humor doesn't come from making fun of the SI, but instead comes from making fun of the author's perceived character flaws of the 'borrowed' characters. He didn't earn his dues, and yet the story is about him. What's so great about him? Writing that he has this and that powers is easy. Making him actually charming enough for people to care is another.

For an example, I offer The More Things Change by RpM, one of the greats of fanfiction. TMTC contains Ryo Muhoshin, one of the most famous and memorable new characters, with his very own fan base and art galleries.

And yet, TMTC and it's sequel are not about Ryo and his encounters in Nerima. It's a story about Ryouga and Ukyou. Ryo becomes a major factor in this, true, but it's a gradual process, and he never quite takes center stage.

Why should Ranma & Co care? Your new guy shows up. He says hi. He's a martial artist. Well, big deal. Ranma & Co have their own problems, and new martial artists usually mean trouble. They aren't going to immediately latch on to him, invite him to stay in the dojo, etc. By doing so, all you're doing is insulting the reader's grasp of character development.

I give you props on using Carrot's tried and true "the SI is a hated bastard" in this fic. Too bad I've already seen it done before, with various degrees of success. I kinda liked Carrot-like SI #172, but he doesn't have the same passion as #67. #99 was a sucky SI, but the plot at the very least supported him. But since SI #368 happened, it hasn't been the same since.

But, wait... he's a soulless bastard that can possess many kinds of people at a time and even has a fellow SI that has made Ukyo go whacko? Nope, seen it. It's like you mashed in three random "characteristics"/powers from all the other SIs before it and meshed it together in your SI. Next.

For that matter, are you even certain you want your character to be best buddies with Ranma? It smacks of wish-fulfillment, to be honest, and it limits the plot to some degree. For a truly original character, try someone who Ranma trusts just as far as he can throw him, and vice versa. Good guys, after all, don't have to be on the same side.

Simply put, if your SIs weren't so hell-bent on becoming the focus of the story, then the story would have had a chance to develop. I'll admit it here and now that, once the SI has been extracted from your story, your story could stand on its own. YOu do have storytelling skills... nothing fancy and nothing epic, but you certainly have something to work with. But not while the SI is around. Bottom line is, your SI's the bad apple that ruins the whole bunch of your fic. Though I've suggeted altogether booting out the SI, if you're really that insistent on keeping him, then consider Mr. Loader's word of advice... Don't make him/them the focus of the story. Perhaps you could make them the antagonists or even fellow protagonists granted that they don't dumb down the characters or have super-duper powers that renders danger and conflict null. It's all in the presentation.

Play with a handicap. Take a hint from Takahashi herself. Most, if not all, of her characters have a fatal flaw or two. Ranma is arrogant and too quick to talk. Ryouga has that little navigational problem, a quick temper, and is constantly taken in by Ranma's ploys. Shampoo talks funny and has irritating mannerisms. Mousse is half blind, and makes a fool of himself over Shamps.

Now I must make an aside here and tell you straight out that this doesn't always work, and a personality-less SI with a handicap is still a personality-less SI with a handicap. A handicap can work against an SI the way an overabundance of powers and techniques can work against him. Say your SI has an eyepatch. Or his one eye is green and the other is blue. Or has a defining scar. Or has a speech impediment. Or is afraid of caskets. Or the usual narcissism. W-ell, all these are fun, but if your SI's personality is still as flat and thin as onion paper, then a handicap does as much good to him as an asset. Diddly squat. If you really, really, _really_ must include an autobiographical SI, then take a good, good look at yourself and see both your strengths and weaknesses as perceived by yourself and as perceived by others. Then apply them appropriately to your personality-less SI. Don't just write about handicaps to make your SI interesting... that's superficial. Get to the nitty gritty 'how he really ticks' thing.

OTOH, seeing your SI's lack of handicaps, a handicap or two would do him good. Doing something with his personality to make him vaguely interesting would be better. If you have low self-esteem and see yourself as having no personality at all or if you really don't want your SI to even vaguely resemble yourself, then play with the interesting personalities of people you've met... Your friends, close or not, or family. Maybe even your landlord or boss. Hell, base your SI on people you hate, or your mortal enemies. Maybe if you base your 'SI' on a person that you despise, then you won't so afraid to make him look like an idiot or to intentionally make him a self-aggrandizing attention whore and this time (miraculously enough) Ranma and co. notices. Actually, not basing your SI on yourself may actually be a good thing, because if you normally don't want anything to do with magic, martial arts, curses and what not and only wish you do, then it's for the best.

Perfect characters are boring, folks. I don't wanna read about a person who's good, nice, caring, considerate, and a decent martial artist. I want to read about someone like Lardizabal from DnR, who's an out-and-out rotter at times, can't fight worth spit while not drunk, and can be truly obnoxious. (Note that even the author admits, however, that his introduction could have been handled better.)   Or Skeride from Ranma 2096, who's basically a good person but who'd kill Akane at the drop of a hat if she found she was a ghost. Even the pros have trouble with this, at times - ask Richard Lawson about the comments he got on his initial version of Nouma.

Personality flaws are what bring out the life in a character. Ability flaws help bring out plot. Would Mousse be as interesting if he wasn't constantly mistaking hatracks for humans? Don't be afraid to give your creation a defect that makes him seem, at times, like an idiot.

The above statement is especially true with your SI Character Chris. What _I'd_ like to see is Chris trying to make himself look good and fail miserably, not unlike Tatewaki Kuno. Or Chris tries to do noble deeds but ends up getting the short end of the stick, like Ranma... just don't make him out into a tragic figure or have him whine so much that people will not bother reading your fic anyway. If you don't want to make Chris look like a total idiot or a total martyr, then you could at least make him less all-knowing. Have him fail at his plots from time to time, and not have him 'fail' in the way that he still gets what he wants. He already has an unfair advantage of knowing everything there is to know about Ranma canon, so where's the conflict in that? What's interesting in fics is the element of the unknown, the surprise. It would be better if Chris did some stuff while following canon and, by doing so, disrupts canon and soon the events unfolding in Chris's eyes are somehow not so familiar anymore. Just... keep it real, man. 

Keep on reading the quotes from Mr. Loader below... IMO, it'll teach you a thing or two.

Keep in mind that, as a rule, a Jusenkyo curse is NOT a flaw. It's wish-fulfillment. Admit it, it'd be neat to be able to turn into something else with a splash of cold water, especially something impressive, like a hawk or a tiger or a wolf. Bleah. If you want to give your new guy a curse, make it something that truly is a detriment. Spring of Drowned Hamster, anyone?  SoD Banana Slug?

Why are we here? Don't just have your fellow show up at the dojo to train. I mean, please, at least make it look like you put some thought into it. Original characters need motives, and ones that don't make the audience hit the 'd' key. 

Revenge? Well, it's been done. Repeatedly. By Takahashi and by fanfic writers. If you go this route, take a tip from a master and examine the introduction of Ryo Muhoshin in TMTC.

Ryo makes his plans. He makes his attack.

He gets the living spit beat out of him. There's no "why are you doing this? Let's work things out!" No, Ryo gets a royal thrashing from a very irate Ranma Saotome.

And after the attack, aside from a idle thought or two, no-one gives much thought or worry to why he tried to kill Ryouga. Because this is normal in Nerima. Another day, another wacky villain.

Your motive should fit into the larger plot of the fanfic.  It helps a lot if the character has a tie to Nerima somehow. One fic featured Kuno's cousin, who was very well presented. It doesn't need to be a blood tie either: Noriko, in Raph See's fic Scoop of the Day, is the editor of the Furinkan newspaper. Make the new character an old one, someone who's been around the entire series but who we've never seen. One of Nabiki's henchmen. One of Kuno's Kendoists.

Resist the urge to make the character a tragic figure, bursting with angst. This, too, is the dreaded wish-fulfillment, to be avoided at all costs. It's in the same category as daydreams of how sorry everyone would be if you died, or went blind. Fine as daydreams go, but don't inflict them on the rest of us.

Power. How much of it should your character have? Ranma? is a story about martial artists, so it's reasonable to expect that your new guy might be one himself. But how good?

Well, a lot of the answer to that depends on what sort of fellow he is. Villains, as a rule, are allowed to be more formidable. If your character is on the side of the angels, however, I'd recommend halting his power level around somewhere between Akane and Ukyou.

Why, you ask? Well... there's something about ultrapowerful people that get one's teeth on edge. Then too, remember, the spotlight isn't supposed to be on your new creation. He's supporting cast, not the star. 

In the end, it's hard to pin down specific reasons for limiting the power level. But the results are there. Readers will sympathize a lot more with your character if he isn't the new God of Martial Arts.

In fact, are you even sure you want him to be a martial artist? Not that there's anything wrong with this, but non-fighters can be just as dangerous. Ratiko, from Ranma 2096, is out of shape. Heck, look at Nabiki. She outmaneuvers the cast on a daily basis without a bit of physical might to back it up. You want a villain, a scary one? Picture a Nabiki-like plotter-manipulator actively out to make life miserable for the rest of the cast.

Here I must note that you've put Mr. Loader's point into full swing with your fic. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, Nabiki's portrayal in your fic is the only upside of this long and sad fic. With an SI's/Typical Otaku's knowledge of the Ranma series in her bitchy little hands, she can do what no SI can ever hope to do, god-like powers be damned. 

Love and Relationships. There are plenty of single, attractive men and women in the Ranmaverse. It's tempting to pair up your creation with one.

If you choose to do so, do it over time. Large amounts of time. If Nabiki is glomping your character by the third or fourth episode, you're doing something wrong.

Why? Because relationships between a cast member and a new character are a source of scrutiny by the readers, who will be waiting to pin the dreaded twin flags of wish-fulfillment and OOC. The way you avoid this is by making the relationship as realistic as possible, something that is unsought for; which begins as friendship and slowly blossoms. And we do mean slowly. 

Friendships may, at first, seem less worrisome than a romance. Don't be fooled by this. Avoid having Ranma & Co become best buddies with your new guy at the drop of a hat. Make it clear that although he may be likable enough, most of them will cheerfully ignore and take advantage of him if the situation calls for it.

Remember that in the Ranmaverse, your 'friends' have a habit of trying to kill you, trying to drug you, trying to erase your memory, etc.

I believe that your SI should have a fair share of the craziness of the Ranmaverse. I'd love to see him drugged, his memory erased, his powers stolen or him turning into a sea slug once in contact with cold water. Then he should go to the SI union and tell them _exactly_ why SIs should never bother getting inserted into the asylum known as Ranmaverse Nerima. 

Keep in mind that there are factions at work. If Shampoo sees the new guy talking with Akane, her first reactions will be unfavorable. She may even make the Takahashi Martial Artist Standing High Jump To Conclusions and label the new guy as a friend of Akane's and, hence, her enemy.

One sign of a poorly-done new character is a lack of people in the normal cast who aren't friendly towards him. If everyone likes the new guy, you blew it. Apathy and hostility should be the rule from this crowd.

Yes, you have that. But aside from that? Not much going for your precious SI, ne?

Self-insertions. This is a genre that requires considerable care.

Listen carefully to the following lines. :)

Take all the rules above, and escalate them. Extremely.

If you've been picked up and plopped down in the Ranmaverse, do not give yourself martial arts skills. None. Nil. They won't do you a whit of good. Even if you have them in real life, edit them out.

Why? Well, simply because it's ludicrous to expect that you could beat any of the cast. Or even hold your own.

Let's look at the weakest of the regulars, Tendo Akane. This is a person who's been training since childhood in an advanced, family school. She has at very least a black belt, and very probably several Dan ratings. She breaks bricks with her bare hands for jollies. Before Ranma came, she defeated multiple attackers (some of whom were sumo types and kendoists) every day without them ever posing a serious threat to her.

I don't care what belt you have in real life. Unless people call you 'sensei' on a regular basis, Akane will wipe the floor with you. And she's years away from the level of Ranma, Ryouga, and Shampoo.

Besides, you have an advantage already, that being your knowledge of the series. Set me down in Nerima with only a knowledge of Japanese and the clothes on my back, and I could kill almost every cast member within five days. Face it, folks, it's a powder keg waiting for a few judicious sparks.

I disagree here. Knowledge of the series should instead make the SI a prime target of the likes of Happosai or Cologne, or even the likes of all the Kuno's, etc. But, face it, even the average fan/total geek with a comprehensive knowledge of all the volumes of the manga, the episodes of the anime, the OAVs, the movies, character bios, stats, Takahashi interviews and the like _cannot_ and _could not_ answer the most basic question of the fandom:

Ranma: So Mr. "Self Insert" (squeezes his first two fingers together to indicate the quotations), I have a question. If you really, y'know, know everything there is to know aboutmy entire life in this town... all the problems, the good bits and
the bad bits that always interrupted the good bits, all the fears and concerns... then tell me, for the sake of argument, that I, in a very supposed, never-could-happen-but-wonder-if situation of wanted to marry Akane, how would I make it happen?   

Chris: O_O

Ranma: (looks on eagerly)

Chris: O_O

Ranma: (looks on eagerly)

Chris: O_O

Ranma: (looks on... ah, fuck it) So whaddya think already?

Chris: Uuummm... Ranma?

Ranma: Yeah?

Chris: I wouldn't touch that question with a ten foot pole.

It's like asking people what their stance is on mercy killing or women asking men if they're getting fat. There's no right answer. So I certainly do believe that an SI won't truly be able to get his jollies by knowing absolutely everything a geek can know about Ranma. In fact, this is usually why most SIs would rather use superpowers to solve Ranma's problems without him even asking them to do so. BUT it's still not a justification to make use of superpowers. Oh, and it's also not a justification for mind control/short-term lobotomies to suit the needs of the SI. I mean, why not try and take a stab at solving Ranma's fiancee problems realistically without powers, mind-control, lobotomies and whatnot?

Chris: Because it's IMPOSSIBLE!

...Well, then you should have thought of that first before becoming an SI.

Avoid super powers. Self-insertion is will-fulfillment by definition, but there's no need to be blatant about it.

A note on gaijin protagonists. If the character in your story is one, everyone will automatically assume it to be a self-insertion. Whether it is or not. Just ask Greg Sandborn.

Self-insertion is best done with a sense of humor. There should always be a "we're not really serious here, this is a put-on" air about it. If your fic is funny, people will forgive a lot. If your character spews drama and angst, well, it's D-key time.

Yeah, you're not really serious in your SI. Problem is, most of your humor comes from a stand up comic for a narrator who makes fun of trivial little things in the fic using jokes that not even Jay Leno stoop to using. Oh, and there's the character bashing. Oh, oh! And a decisive lack of SI bashing. No, Ranma slugging Chris and then Chris resurrecting himself like the Undertaker doesn't count as bashing. I'll probably be more forgiving of the character bashing if the SI got his fair amount of bashing himself. Fair's fair.  

Never come across as wiser than the cast. It may well be true, but this irritates the audience to no end. Nobody likes to see people blow their own horns.

Try to keep romantic entanglements to a minimum. If you really must have romance, try another original character, or one of the background ones. 

In closing. Not all of these rules, of course, are absolute. Greg Sandborn breaks several of them in Nabiki: New Horizons and still turns out a first-rate story. However, I humbly submit that following the above guidelines will produce not only a better fic than otherwise, but a greater positive response.

I'll be stopping right here. Sorry. I couldn't risk further brain damage by reading the rest of your fic. I couldn't take any more of this OOC, character bashing SI fic of yours. If I wanted to read that, then I'd have a look-see at the Harry Potter section in FF.net. Or the Anne Frank Fan Fiction section, which is almost equal the horror. 

Seriously though, I've told you everything there is to be told about your fic. The good points? The grammar is okay. It didn't look like a fic that was originally written in Spanish and then translated by Babel Fish (Hi, Kinai). It's nothing extraordinary, but the grammar's okay. The prose flowed reasonably well, provided you ignore the smart-alecky designs of the comedian/narrator. And Ran was... tolerable. She was able to fit in Mr. Loader's standards for a non-annoying new character nicely, so kudos for her portrayal. The Nabiki scene, though the circumstances surrounding it made me a bit queasy, was the most exquisite part of the fic... from what I've read of it, anyway.

The chapter _was_ a bit long (or did it only seem long... hmmmm...), so I suggest spacing your chapters out a bit. Instead of having a chapter 10, why not redistribute your fic into 30 or so bite-sized chapters that's easier to read through from the first page to the last? Your readers will thank you, and your loyal, "I like this fic as is" readers will adore you. Or maybe not. In any case, they will be generally grateful. 

But let's face it, the problem of this fic isn't really found in those things, right? It's staring us right in the face, so there's no need to ignore the problem. It's not going anywhere anytime soon.
 
Obviously, the problem is with the SI. Generally, SI fics suck in both the storytelling department and by design. But I can see that you're a decent storytelller that's getting bogged by the SI himself. My most basic suggestion is to get rid of the SI format and just write a goddamn story. You're against getting rid of the SI? Good for you, but might I suggest a few minor things to revise before you altogether simplify my critique as a fanfic bash? All the things I've mentioned about your SI is fixable. Stop making him so influential in the bad sort of way. He's basically bends the rules of physics and canon by applying his all-powerful will. There is no need for this. Have him play by the rules of real life. Make him like everybody else. Now, I realize it's quite too late to apply these changes so late in this extensive fic, but I don't see why he shouldn't start now. Better late than never! It's about time Chris got his due. Get rid of the lobotomized Ranma moments, and emphasize the character interactions more. See how your SI sticks out like a sore thumb in the character interaction department? Fix that. I dunno if Pink and Link only acts so flatly when Chris is around, but fix that too. They were so dumb and spastic that you could have gotten rid of them in the first scene and nobody would notice. Nothing detracts to the story more than a character that stands idly around commenting but not really doing anything like they're the narrator or something. Oh, and speaking of your narrator, I believe he's acting like the third self insert in this fic. He's annoying, he interrupts most of the flow of the prose and most of his jokes were unfunny. Damn, and I was expecting a 2x2 Shinobuden/Improfanfic-Chibi-type of silly irreverence too. As it is, it'd be better if the narrator never existed at all, because he detracts a lot and adds nothing to the fic.

I believe you can make the SI work if you can make use of these suggestions to help make the SI detract less from the story and be far less annoying. Agree? Disagree? You be the judge. You can leave this chapter as is and apply my suggestions at the next chapter. Or, since it's sooo late in the game, just leave the story as is and just apply my suggestions in your next story. Hell, ignore my comments all in all and just use the sporadic grammar comments if you want. It's okay. I don't care. What I'm doing here, as far as I'm concerned, is a critique. An honest and brutally frank critique, but a critique nonetheless. Oh, look at the time... It's standard disclaimer time.

I'd like to clarify once again that this isn't a simple "bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique. Please don't go mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just didn't like my fic so anything he says can't be taken seriously." It's your jurisdiction to ignore the comments, yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at least consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "Okay, so I hate the SI and it's silly for me to ask you to get rid of the SI since this is basically an SI fic, so at the very least make use of these comments of mine to make your SI less... of a problem," or "Maybe it's too late to tell you that your portrayal of the SI is the greatest obstacle this fic faces in getting a decent readership, but hot damn it's not too late for the fic to make amends... Bash that bastard, Chris! Bash him in like a wayward tent pole!" Okay, so bias was definitely talking in the latter sentence, but I hope you do get my drift. The SI can still be salvaged... by a re-write, perhaps. Don't want a re-write? Then please do keep my comments in mind in future installments. You think nothing is wrong with your fic and I'm only here to bash your poor SI? Whatever, dude. It's your fic and your jurisdiction.

In any case, ignore my vinegar-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you found my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's the best solution to character bashing, a godly and irritating Self Insert or two, an ungodly amount of discretions and author asides, a dumbed-down Ranma whenever the SI is around, and the stand up comedy narration that belongs in a snore-fest Saturday Night Live skit: actual experience of what a better story constitutes. I would also suggest to read more fics, or to just read more books; it really helps. That's my two cents. Abdiel out. 



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