Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Elsa Bibat wrote:
Daitsuchi Jiro, with a combination of luck, natural skill and personal charisma, had overthrown the
order of his nation by gathering a military force that made him a force to be reckoned with. The
Hidden Village of Rock could not stop him, still recovering from the decimation of the Shinobi
Wars, nor could the daimyo of the Earth with his depleted milita.
You should move the "still recovering..." clause to immediately after
"Hidden Village of Rock" - otherwise it refers to "him."
Declaring himself Shogun, Daitsuchi immediately marched on the capital at the head of his peasant
army. It seemed that nothing could stop him from his path of conquest and the continent would be
soon plunged again into another war.
"be soon plunged" - "soon be plunged"
However, on the eve of the Shogun's triumph, fate would give the continent a chance at peace. On
the steep approaches towards the mountain capital city of Yamakuma, the Shogun was riding his
famous steed, Kurokaze, when he met his destiny in the form of a cat.
I would rearrange the sentence to be "The Shogun was riding his famous
steed, Kurokaze, on the steep approaches towards the mountain capital
city of Yamakuma when he met his destiny in the form of a cat."
We would never know the reasons why, but a black cat suddenly appeared out of nowhere,
screeching and yowling in a manner that panicked even the great warhorse. It was not even one
of the large mountain varieties that populated the region but was reported as looking like one of
the ones bred fro house purposes to protect the grain stores.
"fro" - "for"
Maybe change to "but was reported as being a house cat like those bred
to protect the grain stores"?
Of the feline cause of this accident, after the tumult at the death of their leader, no sign was seen
by the Shogun's followers."
This sentence reads awkwardly to me. Perhaps, "After the tumult at the
death of their leader, the Shogun's followers could find no sign of the
feline cause of this accident."
Ichiraku's Ramen was not exactly special in anyway, except for the patronage of a certain
blonde-haired demon vessel.
"anyway" - "any way"
"blonde-haired" - "blond-haired", I think.
Ichiraku's may have lost a customer when Uzumaki Naruto had left for his training trip, but
his friends and acquaintances made up for the loss. The remaining members of Konoha's Rookie
Twelve, as they were starting to be called, had made Ichiraku's Ramen and Nikurei's Yakitori and
Hibachi as their official hangouts, mostly because of the large portions they served to their clientele.
Hmm. This one's really a matter of taste, but the "Rookie Twelve"
designation seems off to me, as Neiji's team weren't rookies.
The blonde genin didn't want to think how much
damage would do when he had attained his full growth.
"damage would do" - "damage he would do"
The young chuunin had recently returned from an independent mission with a chuunin-level team yesterday.
I'd drop either "recently" or "yesterday"
The Smokepot, as she had
come to call her laidback Jounin trainer, reasoned that coupled with her Level Three Shintenshin she'd
be the perfect spy/undercover operative.
You need to add something to the sentence to be coupled with "Level
Three Shintenshin."
Perhaps "...coupled with her Level Three Shintenshin, acting training
would make her the perfect..."?
I'd change "spy/undercover" to just "undercover" as well.
Hiyama Tsuyama was a cranky perfectionist that, in her younger years, had somehow
managed to survive a crippling injury as a genin that ended her life as a ninja and become one of the Fire
Country's most beloved actresses of the stage and screen.
I would change "somehow managed to survive" to just "survived"
The cat leaped to the old man's shoulder at his gesture. Ino blinked. That is one very
well-trained cat.
"That is" - "That was", I think.
The blonde noted the slight outward contraction of fear around the chuunin's puffy eyes.
The pink-haired kunoichi's reputation for ...experimentation with medical chakra techniques had grown
by leaps and bounds in the past few months, ever since the exploding hamster incident at the Academy.
She'd heard that the students who had witnessed that fiasco were _still_ taking counselling and
Iruka-sensei had been forced to politely ask the Hokage that Sakura always have an escort when in the
vicinity of the Academy.
Heh.
The cat leaped from his shoulder to a conveniently placed garbage can. Ichiraku bowed and
addressed it in a tone of respect.
"Master Tiger."
By any chance do you play Legend of the Five Rings?
"Alive is always better than dead, except if you're been totally maimed.
"you're" - "you've"
It's certainly a very interesting crossover. I hope some of this was
helpful, and I look forward to seeing the next chapter.