I'm going to cover two in one here...

Gary Kleppe wrote:

They also proved an antidote to the Reikoku's slime-
tentacles. The caustic goop froze solid on contact, then
shattered an instant later as Ranma raked through with his
feline claws. He struck out with both hands and feet,
sprouting Talons of Ice from his toes as well. Soon, he had
defeated the all four of the thrashing acid arms.
   

defeated all four of the

 

"HAPPO GO-EN-SATSU!"
   

Since you use the extra-u romanization (e.g. Ryouga), shouldn't that be HAPPOU?

 

Probably so.

Also, should Ryoga be the one to think of this? I don't think he's ever even met
Hinako, while Ukyo and Akane were in her class and even Shamps played basketball
against her.

 

I thought of this, but I really like the way the dramatic flow of the
scene works with Ryouga thinking of the story. You can justify it
either by assuming Ranma or Ukyou told him enough about Miss
Hinako's abilities during their travels on the road, or by sprinkling
in just a pinch of anime continuity (the first Hinako story on the
OVAs was done pretty faithfully to the original, but it did include
a bit with Ryouga getting drained).

It's been a long, strange trip, with many obstacles and
Delays, but we've finally made it. My profound thanks to
   

I think you want a lower-case "d" there, unless this is some political in-joke.

SECRETARY: Excuse me, Congressman. There's a Mr. Reikoku here who says he wants
to see the House Majority leader.

DELAY: Eep. Did I mention that I'm stepping down effective immediately? In fact,
I and twenty of my colleagues have just become Democrats. Please show Mr.
Reikoku to Ms. Pelosi's office. *sweatdrop*

 

Hmm... I think that could constitute a Freudian slip on my part.
<grin>

all who have supported me in writing this story. Special
thanks to Gary Kleppe, who has been the most consistent
source of helpful C&C.
   

Been a pleasure. I think this go down as my favorite *finished* Ranma fic of all
time.


 

Now that's high praise. I'm humbled.

The punch whistled of Ranma's head as he ducked and shattered
   

whistled off Ranma's
(I think you mean -- unless Ryoga's taken up Martial Arts Opera; but that's
probably an Alan Harnum fic)

 

the cement of the wall.
   

Suggest:

The punch whistled off Ranma's head as he ducked, and it shattered

(At first glance I thought it was Ranma who shattered the wall.)

GENMA: I always told the boy that a good martial artist uses his head, but....

 

Actually, I think I meaned "whistled by," which makes more sense.

The Tendou girl ground her teeth. "Fine. Then how come you've
kept that from Ranma."
   

>from Ranma?"

(looks like it's said as a question)

I've mixed feelings about the ending. Since Akane normally doesn't hold a
grudge, it's a good test of her character to put her in this situation, no
matter what she finally ends up doing. But it seems unfortunate that she's
there because somebody else pushed her into it, not really of her own choice.

 

Mmm... yes and no. It's still her own choice - there will always
be people who try to influence our actions. Akane doesn't actually
do what Ukyou has in mind. Still, I can see your point.

Also, I really didn't like the bit with Cologne at the end. For one thing, it
seems dramatically wrong, because it's insulating Akane from the consequences
of her actions. It would be fitting if after having sat out the Reikoku battles
she finally picked up her own relentless pursuer of sorts. Also, I have trouble
believing that Happosai would back down just on Cologne's say-so. After all,
it's not like he's got a lot of years left anyway, and he might well be willing
to risk Cologne's ire for the sake of his pride. Even if not, he can still get
back at Akane in subtle ways that aren't provably traceable to him.

Anyway, I liked the Ranma/Ryoga scene, and am looking forward to the last
epilogue. I saw the title on the web site, and it promises to be a fun one.


-Gary

 
 

Truth be told, I wasn't satisfied with this scene either.

There were two scenes which created the worst writer's block for
me. This was one of them. The other was the scene where Akane
rescues Ranma in China, and that one came together better than I
could have hoped. This one, though...

Maybe I'll revise it, take out the bit where she tries to back him
off future conflicts. The real point of inserting Cologne there is to
gentle the ending a little from what Akane did. Leaving Happosai
there alone and blinded as we fade out seemed so dark, but I didn't
want to embark on another scene with other characters either. I
will see what I have the inspiration and energy for.

Many thanks,
Grayson Towler
http://www.talesfromthevault.com/relentless


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