[FFML] Re: [LH]Love Hina Redux Chp2


Whoops. My mail hiccuped there for a while, revealing my true identity! I am shamed forever. :P

Anyway, let's get down to business. This is a little longer than the earlier chapter (waxing nostalgic) I remember my fanfics being that long too... and about just as sucky and horrible, if not even more so. ;)

As usual, lose the smart quotes and MS Word ellipses.

Matthew De Mouy wrote:

Love Hina Redux
by Matthew De Mouy

Chapter 2: And so it begins

Disclaimer: Love Hina is Ken Akamatsu's creation.  The anime is, but a


The anime is but a

poor shadow of the manga and we're giving Keitaro a non-canon relative.


Eyng? You're complaining about the anime being a poor shadow of the manga, yet you're giving Keitaro a non-canon relative? So you're being even lesser than the shadow of the manga, the anime? ?_?

It was almost a year ago.  Somehow despite rushing through the test in 
such an absurdly small time he didn't even think about the questions, he 
passed.  He'd been sure he failed, but when he went to check his 
results, to keep up the illusion he might actually get in this time in 
front of his parents, there was Mutsumi and they'd both passed.


Well, that was underwhelming. I can almost hear the anticipation plopping down in a pathetic splat with that little exposition of yours, fic.

His grades were pathetic

and he couldn't seem to locate his promise girl.  Not that she would 
want to hang out with a loser like him anymore.  She'd probably 
forgotten all about him and found someone else who could make her happy. 
 At least Mutsumi was willing to be his friend.


Zzzzzzzzz...

(yanws) Please, fic... Watch the pacing. Pacing is important to keep reader intereszzzzz...

So here he was in front of the stairs leading up to Grandma's old inn. 
Mutsumi had something else she was doing so she wasn't along.  Of


Wow. Opportunities for further interaction between your version of Keitaro and Mutsumi flying by, leaving both as cardboard flat and boring as before. Yipee.

course, not wanting to inconvenience her, he also hadn't told her about 
this.  Those other two guys had went off on their own path and he hadn't 
seen them since before the Tokyo U entrance exam.


Author: I do not know their names and so should the reader. 

Shirai: Yeah, thanks for the heads up, 'Mr' fic!

Haitani: Don't let us slow you down any with your bullet-fast pacing, y'hear!

Shirai: Actually, it might be that the author is writing a detailed synopsis of Love Hina, only he 'misremembered' most of the events.

Haitani: ....

Shirai: It explains a lot!

"First things first, Grandma has left for a trip around the world.  She 
took Kanako along with.  I'm staying on as property manager to insure 
the place stays intact, and you don't get overwhelmed.  You are as of 
now the landlord, Grandma has agreed to put the deed in your name as 
long as you take care of the place.  If you aren't willing to do this 
you may flee now."


Er, does the little spitfire even have a name?

She pulled out an enveloped with "to: Keitaro Urashima" written on it 
and put it on the table.


Weird. From what I know, the Japanese order of names is family name first then your given name last.

Keitaro looked in contemplation at the envelope for a little while. 
Might as well.  He grabbed the envelope in a somewhat forced motion and 
opened it.

"Now on to business, first of all this is an all girls dormitory, not an 
inn anymore.  Grandma decided this after the tourism crowd began to 
slack off and the place began to get rundown.  Its position allows a 
relatively short commute to Tokyo and the major colleges there including 
Tokyo U.  We presently have all of five residents, none of which are 
attending a University.


Haitani: Booo! Spoilers!

-_- The nameless sister's true purpose as plot device has been revealed.

Author: I'm too lazy to show all the girl's personalities in an actual plot and storyline, so I'll instead make up an annoying new character to tell Keitaro... and, essentially, the readers... who each of the  characters are and what they're like.

Keitaro took some time to digest this information.


Keitaro: Show, not tell means nothing to you, ne Author-san?

Author: Feh. I only opted for the easier way out, of course. There are people who keep complaining how authors always repeat the source material's opening introductory scene, right? Like when Ranma meets the Tendos as a girl, when Keitaro first meets Naru and the others via the bath incident, when Kaoru first meets Kenshin via token bad guys, etc. This way is far more original, ne?

Keitaro: ;_; I want Akamatsu-sensei back.

Here's a little suggestion... Put a little work in introducing the characters. This isn't a General Information Text file or Characters and Synopsis of Love Hina. It's a fic, so as a fic you as an author should play on the fic's strong suit... prose and exposition. Make a little scene featuring all the girls' personality. Or... not, since your audience is probably familiar with Love Hina anyway to care.

"This is an all girl's dormitory now?  What is Grandma thinking?"

"Haruka is busy with other things, and Kanako and I are still minors. 
To keep the place under Urashima family management you're the only 
option that's really free and capable of doing so.  So maybe she did so 
to have a family member owning the place on site, or maybe she just 
wanted to see what chaos you'd stir up with this bunch, you know how she 
is."


The nameless Urashima sounds strangely like the author giving instructions to Keitaro on what to do. So that's what they meant by "author avatar"...

"Uhm, hi there Mari-chan I was just passing by and�"

"I'll let you slide on the rent, for now, sheesh.  It's just as well.


Mitsune: Yeah? Stop bossing me around kid, or I'll put the M&Ms on the high shelf.

Mari-chan: (annoyed, pouts annoyingly)

Keitaro mainly just watched this exchange.  Even older girls could be 
pushed around by his younger sister.  At least that meant he wasn't the 
only one.


If you're going to insert this Mari-chan person in your fic, the least you could do is make her a bit more human like Sarah whatsername. And why not use Kanako instead? This is an alt-fic, so why are you so worried about following OAV canon? Kanako's probably a better choice than Ms. Bossy Mari-chan any day.

"Okay let's introduce you to the tenants.


If his sister were only interesting and devious, she'd introduce the tenants all wrong and mix their personalities up.

Mari-chan: Mutsumi's the nice one, a best-friend, best-buddy type that you can always trust. She never fibs on anybody, you can trust her with your life. Naru's the touchy-feely one, and she'd get offended and hurt if you don't indulge her from time to time. 

Keitaro: B-but I can't...

Mari-chan: She'll get hurt if you spurn her advances. Oh, I know! You should snuggle up to her first before she does you. Once she's sure you're all right with the snuggling, she won't snuggle up to you as much. Oh, and she's very ticklish, so use that to your advantage.

Keitaro: .....

Mari-chan: Oh, and Motoko looooves cute little turtles, so find her one. Also, Shinobu's older than you, despite the way she looks and acts. So... go for it! (winks) And Suu... Ah, heck, you've got to see her to believe it. No need to completely ruin the surprise. (beams)

His younger sister led him to a door then proceeded to knock.  The woman 
who answered looked to be rather beautiful.

"What is it Mari-san?"

"Kei-kun meet Motoko."


"Kei-kun, meet Motoko."


"Uh, Hi."  Keitaro responded nervously.

Motoko, upon noticing the only male body present, gave him a look one 
would give an insect that wasn't worth the effort of squishing.  Turning 
back to his younger sister, "You have an odd taste in men Mari-san.


men, Mari-san.

"Actually he's my older brother.  He's been at Tokyo U and since me and 
sis have been helping to run the dormitory we have only had 
correspondence through mail."


Ah. He's really in Tokyo U. So much for plot point. Though I have no qualms with the difference in general, it does peeve me that this new Keitaro-that's-actually-a-Toudai-student isn't very interesting. In other words, the fact that Keitaro's in Toudai doesn't add much to the conflict of the fic, and it isn't even a point of interest. It's just another boring fact about the boring, no-personality Keitaro. I have nothing to look forward to in this story at this point.

"So you decided to show him around the dormitory?"  Her voice conveyed 
the feeling that while not exactly comfortable with this idea she'd 
allow it.


Car-wreck sentence. Please fix. In particular, suggest getting rid of the "she'd allow it" part.

"Well for starters he's to much of a wimp too, intentionally, do 
anything of the sort.


I don't think the word "intentionally" belongs in that sentence. That, or you're thinking of another word other than "intentionally."

Second this is grandma's idea.  You can always

file a protest with her if you wish.  You, however, know how she is 
about these things once she gets on with one of her ideas."


I hate Mari-chan. Hate isn't even the word I'm looking for. At this point, the word "hate" has about the same impact as the words "heck," "yikes," "egads," and "jolly-gee-whilikers" in the curse words department when it comes to describing my extreme dislike of Mari-chan.

She's fixing every last possible point of conflict in Love Hina, making your story boring. Besides, whatever happened to the cool plot point of a Keitaro-Mutsumi fic? Otohime-san has been all but forgotten at this point, which is very, very sad.

The foundations of this fic is so unstable that the gravitational pull of the fic's cliche-filled mass will overcome the quantum boundary, and then the entire plot-less drivel will eventually collapse in on itself in a humongous vortex of a plot hole before vanishing into a singularity.

Motoko looked slightly mortified and slowly slid the door closed.


Motoko: The fic's numerous plot holes has become one and is now sucking all of us into its shadowy maw! Kame, kame, KAAAAMEEEEE!!!!~~~

Mari just shook her head.  "You can be simply to nice sometimes.  If I

too

Mari merely grinned.


(on the phone) Yes? Hello? I'm looking for Ms. Hale and her associate, Mr. Carver. Code A.N.C. Something needs to be 'extracted', and soon.


Keitaro could really only gape in shock at the room before him.  There 
was a jungle that looked bigger then the room should by all rights be 
able to contain inside.  A short, tanned, little girl had answered the 
door.  She didn't look that threatening.  Mari must have been 
exaggerating like with that man hater comment.

"Who's this Mari-chan?"  The girl asked.


That's what I'D like to know! Who the hell is she?!

(ahem) What I meant to type was...

Correction: "Who's this, Mari-chan?" the girl asked.


Mari gained a knowing smirk.  "I suppose.  On the other hand she's 
probably figuring out what would be the best WrmDs to use on you right 
now.  Afterall you represent a new test subject."


After all, you represent a new test subject."

"WrmDs?"

"Weapons of relatively minor Destruction,


Bush: Ah say, da-aymn! Just 'minor' destruction, li'l missy? I was hopin' I finally found Weapons of _Mass_ Destruction. *chuckle* So tell me, how minor is minor? A Volkswagen popping a tire? Poprocks and coke combined? Eatin' too much cheese buritos?

usually plenty of boom but

non-lethal � most of the time."

"You're pulling my leg.  This is just another exercise in how you can 
annoy me isn't it?"

Mari merely smiled.


9_9

The only ones enjoying this fic would have to be Mari and the author, who are both interchangeable at this point.

Naru finally finished her usual afternoon soak in the hot springs. 
Kitsune had a look on her face that made it clear she knew something was 
up, but wasn't willing to relinquish the details when she asked.

Getting dressed and leaving the changing room she noticed Motoko was out 
in her Samurai gear and was pacing in agitation.  Well, she had studies 
to get back to.  She noticed a dark headed human shaped blur, which was 
following a red headed


redheaded

"I'll make this quick.  This is Keitaro Urashima, my older brother, he 
is now the landlord."

Keitaro brought up his hand to wave.


You are the king of the anti-climax.

Is this the point of the entire fic?

Author: Awww... Keitaro always had it tough. Don't worry, Keitaro! I'll make you a fic where absolutely nothing goes wrong! You'll have a sister who'll make sure that by the end of the fic the girls of Love Hina will have nothing on the Hanaukyo Maid Tai! They'll all be Keitaro's slaves, just as the fanart pic depicted! They'll all be his slaves, er maids! Being a domestic housekeeper is every girl's dream come true! Ah, misogynistic bliss! (glee!)

Opening his eyes he got a eyeful as he found out he'd somehow managed


an eyeful

to

have the bad luck to get his hand caught in Kitsune's shirt pulling it 
up and Kitsune wasn't wearing a bra.  He quickly shut he's eyes.  This 
was bad.

"I'm sorry.  I'm sorry."

He didn't hear what Kitsune's response was over the cry of "Pervert!"


Kitsune: ...So you wanna see more? It'll cost you. You already owe me a lot by sneaking a peek like that.

Keitaro: .....

---------------

Motoko had been at something of a loss.  Arguing with Lady Hina once she 
had made up her mind about something was futility itself.  Trying to 
force the issue, the way of the fool.  This situation, however, couldn't 
be allowed to go on.  Then again, Mari usually was keeping thing well in 
order so maybe it could be � tolerated.


Here, at the very least, is the fic's saving grace-- In character Motoko. It's not much, and Motoko's not really that hard to characterize, but it means a lot in a fic containing Ms. Juvenile All-seeing Author Avatar.

"He's not really assaulting her.  He probably hardly saw anything.  He 
just had the bad luck to have to accidentally do the wrong thing at the 
wrong time.  This happened a lot at home.  It really isn't his fault, he 
just has really bad luck."


Motoko: (shrugs, does her Raimeiken Ninotachi anyway at Mari-chan while Keitaro was hiding behind his aforementioned sister)

Mari-chan: (in a sudden freak chance, or for the sake of fanservice, the Raimeiken Ninotachi sees Mari-chan as an evil spirit and slices her into bite-sized pieces)

As Motoko seemed to begin to reevaluate the situation Mari loosened her 
grip.  When the blade was ripped from her grip she realized something 
was amiss.  Deciding on a course of action she immediately dashed for 
her groveling brother and scooping him up dived for the nearest secret 
passageway after turning a corner only barely ahead of Motoko.

Authors notes: Kanako at this time would be ~14 years old so I'm putting 
Mari at ~13 years of age or to put it another way Su's age.  I can tell 
you up front unlike Kanako she won't be after Keitaro.  I hope you are 
enjoying my humble attempts at writing a decent story.

You're fic is suffering from an author avatar disease. It has many names depending on the fandom, ranging from ANC (Annoying New Character) to Mary Sue (which, AFAIK, originated from ego-centric fangirls who gleefully insert themselves into Harry Potter fanfics). Now, there have been ANCs that are successful (most any Carrot fic has shown that, yes, it is possible to have great stories despite the ANC... though, IMO, he never needed the ANC to begin with...), but I don't want to give you any ideas. Mari-chan has to go... in a blaze of glory as Hale and Carver blows her full of plot holes.

OTOH, if the MAIN point of your story is to virtually ignore what could have been a potentially okay love story between Ms. Otohime and 'Mr' Urashima, opting for the ol' ANC who solves most every bad thing that comes into Keitaro's happiness, then fine. You've succeeded in that regard. Maybe there are even people who will enjoy reading your fic, probably because, a.) they think it has potential, and this perceived potential blinds them from the fact that your fic has as many plot holes as Super Mario 3 has warp zones; b.) genuinely like the fic and the fact that Keitaro's finally having it easy. I won't be surprise if there are people who fall in the b-category. If there are people who consistently want to read self inserts about hermaphrodite furries doing white guardian cats or likes the idea of the cartoon rodent Gadget nude not because they find it horrifyingly amusing but because they like the idea of furry action, then nothing surprises me anymore.

In any case, ignore my vinegar-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, fine by me. If you found my comments helpful in some level, that's also fine by me. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's the best solution to newbie mistakes and presumptuous notions: actual experience of the fandom and what a better story constitutes. That's my two cents. Abdiel out.

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