[FFML] Re: [LH]Love Hina Redux Chp1


Don't mind me, 'Mr' De Mouy. I'm just unclogging my backlog. Sorry it took so long.

Matthew De Mouy wrote:


Love Hina Redux
by Matthew De Mouy

Chapter 1: A different path

Disclaimer: Love Hina belongs to Ken Akamatsu not me.  I don't have 
permission and this fic is not for profit.  But then did I really need 
to tell you that?


Depends on who you ask.

Today was the day he'd fulfil his promise.  Sure he'd failed miserably


fulfill
 
Oh, and here's a little copy-paste thing on certain facts about "smart quotes" that cannot be seen in many formats that's not MS Word:

Ah, the usual "smart quotes" problem. Well, here's a li'l tip if you're using Microsoft Word (if not, might I suggest using a plaintext writing program?) Go to the Tools menu, click 'AutoCorrect', then click the Autoformat tab. You'll see a checklist there. Under the "Replace" header, uncheck "replace straight quotes with smart quotes."

You see Mr Urashima once had a childhood friend he made a promise to. 
This promise was to get into Tokyo University together, and this friend 
was the only female to ever show any interest in him, at least as far as 
his memories worked.  For Mr Urashima actually had forgotten quite a


"Mr. Urashima" or "Mister Urashima"

You're using a very involved, narrator-that's-actually-there-beside-the-reader-while-giving-blow-by-blow-accounts-to-him-of-what's-happening type of narrative. FYI, not many people are fond of this kind of narrative. Something about the illusion of the story happening to the reader in actuality and some such is ruined by the talking, sentient narrator.

lot, including the girl's name.  What were the chances this "promise 
girl" would even remember the promise let alone recognize him or still 
be interested in him.  After all over a decade is a very long time in 
which a person can change a lot.  Nevermind,


Never mind,

in a populace of a major

university, even if he did get in, what where the chances he'd meet her 
again?

What were the chances indeed?

"Okay lets see, which way was it, again?  *sigh*


Suggest not using the "*sigh*" thing and just say it in the narrative, i.e., "He sighed" or something to that effect. This isn't comics.

You'd think I'd know

this route, it was only a year ago.  Of course, there wasn't 
construction blocking the normal route, making it so you had to get 
there by an alternate route last time."


I've already seen this 'tendency' of making the dialogue sound like narrative prose in three fics. That last line of dialogue (...making it so you had to get there by an alternate route last time) sounds like a narrator narrating a read-aloud story than actual human thought or even acceptable villain monologue. Please revise.

"�"


You have a non-standard, un-format-able ellipsis there. Suggest replacing that with three or four periods. If MS Word (who is usually the culprit for these formatting atrocities) insists on you using its ellipses, just turn off the autocorrect defaults as instructed earlier.

"Let's just go this way."

Thus did Mr Urashima proceed on an alternate, alternate route.


I have a funny feeling that the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland or one of the more irritatingly cute Care Bears is narrating the story.

"Where am I, anyway?"  Keitaro, first year ronin was lost and, as per 
usual, there was no one to help him out of this situation.  Trudging 
along he started talking to himself, "Mom would say, 'ask for 
directions,' but how am I supposed to do that when there's no one 
around?  No, I can't let this stop me.  I'm going to get into Tokyo U, 
and I'm going to meet that girl again and, and�"


"...I'm going to go through a lengthy monologue as a cheap cop-out from narrative exposition," Keitaro the author's exposition-machine said.

Although not necessarily in that order.  Keitaro however being caught up 
in his declaration against the ghosts of the people who said it was 
impossible wasn't paying attention to where he was going.


...But it would seem that the narrative is no different from Keitaro when it comes to car-wreck expositions.

Thus when he

hit something instead of possibly being able to compensate he simply fell.


Huh? How will he possibly 'compensate' for hitting something? Money? Insurance claims?

He had fallen on a girl prostrated on the concrete, who was strangely 
unresponsive.  He was going to take a CPR class at the forceful 
suggestion of his mother, who "wanted him to be useful for something."


Funny how the original Keitaro wasn't all that much of a momma's boy. Though I have nothing against making a fic a bit different from the source material, I feel that the mommy-dearest thoughts he has as of now adds nothing to the fic. Of course, not much of anything remotely interesting has been happening to the fic, so that's point moot.

"Mutsumi Otohime, ah I see you're going to take the Tokyo U entrance 
exams too. *nervous laugh*  She must have passed out on her way there, 
due too studying to much the night before.  She'd be disappointed if she 
never made it to the test.  What should I do?  I know I'll carry her, 
but�  No I must be a man about this�  Okay this time for real."


-_-

Suggest:

"Mutsumi Otohime," Keitaro pensively read. His bespectacled eyes lit up. "Ah, I see. You're going to take the Tokyo U entrance exams too," he supposed while letting out a nervous and strained laugh. From there, his thoughts began to wander aimlessly. Unfortunately, these meandering thoughts had the misfortune of being said aloud.

"She must have passed out on her way there, due too studying to much the night before. She'd be disappointed if she never made it to the test. What should I do?  I know I'll carry her, but... No, I must be a man about this! Okay, this time for real!"

...Or something to that effect. Now, you may be of the opinion that narratives like this suck and you'd rather have the 'experimental', script-like version you have right here. Have it your way, you're welcome to keep it as is. But as a reader I would advise you not to, since many potential readers would find this style of yours ultimately off-putting.

Eventually Mr Urashima did actually work up the guts to actually touch


Heh. And Joem thinks _I_ have a problem with adverbs... Author-san, would you be so kind as to cut back on all the descriptive adverbs? There are so many "-ly" words in there that it's not even funny. More importantly, it's not really effective as a narrative tool even if you consider 'style' as an excuse for your actions.

her and then proceeded on his way carrying her piggyback.  The 
realization he was lost himself with no clue where the Tokyo U campus 
was in relation to where he was, didn't enter his mind.


(wince) I have a headache. That last sentence read like a Dr. Thinker fic. Please, please revise.

That a 'wimp'

had no business carrying around someone who by all rights weighed about 
was much as he did


Or more... Mutsumi is a voluptuous creature compared to Keitaro the scrawny.

that easily, similarly was ignored.


Somehow Mr Urashima


The author seems to hold Mr. Urashima in high regard to refer to him as such. Still, author-san, you're writing a fanfic, not a business letter. It'd be in the best interests of the reader to altogether scrap the 'Mr' thing. You won't be dissing Keitaro for not being so formal to him.

Sitting his charge down on a convenient bench Keitaro sat down and 
looked around.  There was something of a crowd forming waiting to get >in,


Suggest: A crowd had started to form, waiting to get in,

"There, you had a piece of rice on your cheek, Keitaro-san.  Thank you 
for helping me."

"I. I'm glad�  I'm glad I could help."  Keitaro stuttered out.

"Are you taking the Entrance exams too, Keitaro-san?"

"Yeah, this is my second time around.  Everyone tells me it's impossible 
for me to get in, but I'm not going to give up."


(blink) One of the funniest scenes I've ever seen in Love Hina is the point where Keitaro and Naru meet Mutsumi for the first time. More to the point, I found Mutsumi and Keitaro's similarities (and Naru's reaction to these similarities) hilarious. The fact that you're not fully utilizing this potential for fun and hilarity is a big disappointment for myself.

'I can't believe this I'm actually having a conversation with a girl.'

"What a coincidence this is my second time too.  We can be the Dos Ronins."


The fact that this reads like a boy meets girl story is doubly unfortunate. I mean, Keitaro and Mutsumi can be easily replaced by a number of other couples, and it wouldn't make a difference. That's bad. That's cliche. You've basically lost your point of interest, as far as I'm concerned.

"What a coincidence, when I was a little girl there was this boy who 
said, lets


let's

go to Tokyo U together.  So I'm trying to get in to fulfil


fulfill

that promise.  I hope that, that little boy will still remember me."


The idea for the story is nice. The execution is, quite frankly, disappointing. The pacing is sudden, out of the blue and well... this makes me long for a better author who'd flesh this story out superbly. As it is, this fic reads more like forced otaku wish fulfillment on a fave pair-up that's, well, forced.

'Wow, that must be some lucky guy.  How could he not remember a nice 
girl like this.  I guess that means she's already taken.  Oh well, 
that's just my luck.'

"I'm sure he'll remember!"  Keitaro realized he was standing up and 
people were looking at him.  Oops.

???


'I wonder if she'll ever find the boy she made the promise with.  I 
can't believe there's actually someone else in the same situation as me. 
 Ahhhhhhhh.

Oh wait there's only fifteen minutes left and I haven't done any of the 
problems!'


This has got to be the most boring Mutsumi I've ever read. She has so much potential for hilarity... You're not using her potential to the hilt, IMO.

Author's notes: I have the next chapter planned out but admittedly am 
lacking clear plans beyond that.  I suppose it would be classified as a 
minor AU type fic.

That's not a good sign.

Okay, the idea has potential. The idea is a good one. Unfortunately, the plot and execution of this idea isn't. It's straightforward and short, in a bad way, and most of the potential for romantic tension and whatnot is wasted on a trite and rehashed boy meets girl situation. I mean, it's okay if they were just any boy and girl, but we're talking Keitaro and Mutsumi here! The hilarity, the innuendo, and everything else fun, IMO, was wasted in this fic.

But you're new at this and I'm asking you to build a castle when you're only attempting to build the house. As it is, your house is nothing special, but as you go along fixing it here and there it could work. The plans (the idea of a Mutsumi-Keitaro) fic is sound, but your building materials (the plot, the flat and dull characterization, the meandering grammar, etc) are sub-par. But go ahead and wing it. Go see what fits. If crashing and burning or writing yourself to a corner full of plot holes is what it takes for you to improve, then so be it. Read up on your Love Hina fanfics. Watch and re-watch episodes at your leisure. Have fun, and please always remember to keep on writing.

I'll probably repeat this speech on the second chapter, but meh. Abdiel out.

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