[FFML] Re: [Repost][FanFic][Ranma][Divergence][Rev] Reflections Vol 1 Part 02


Hello. I've got some C&C here.

A.V. Morgan wrote:


[FanFic][Ranma][Divergence][Rev] Reflections Vol 1 Part 02


Ranma Nibunnoichi - Reflections : Vol. 01 - Stuck in the Middle
With You A V. Morgan avmorgan27@comcast.net


Repost Note: Fixed formatting errors.


That's good to hear, since formatting errors kills more fics than Self Insert content.

Part Two: Divide and Conquer

A peaceful calm fell over the Tendo household after Anma and
Anko were deposited in separate rooms to sleep off the battle.
Soun finished his cigarette out on the veranda, listening to the
koi splashing inn the pond,


splashing in the pond,

 and let out a long sigh. Nabiki,

walking by sucking on the last of a Popsicle,


This sentence reads weird. It suggests that the only Nabiki could walk was by sucking on the last of a Popsicle.

just shook her

head and smiled to herself. Under one arm, she carried a basket
with her bath things crammed inside.


While I'm all for making it clear where the character is and what she's doing by minute descriptions of the scene, I think the last sentence is extraneous. No need to describe her every last peripheral if it adds nothing to the story.

"It's probably a violation of some natural law that Akane did
not find you in here first," she grinned, watching them both
start in shock. It did not take much imagination to picture the
explosion accompanying a visit from Akane. Shallow as their
experiences were, the death-trap-in-a-dress with the hair-
trigger temper who was known as Akane had made an impression on
both of them. Since her target of choice was Ranma shaped, it
was not hard to classify her as a threat to their own well
being.


(shrugs) Though your prose is flowing reasonably well in this paragraph, all I can say is, "So...?" It's like you're over-explaining things. I mean, what else has your detailed narrative told that the average Ranma-fic reader doesn't know? It's too bad though, since, as was mentioned, the prose in this paragraph was easy to read.

Most importantly, however, their privacy had been
interrupted. Not feeling comfortable continuing their activities
in Nabiki's presence, they tripped over each other to vacate the
bath. Shaking her head, Nabiki shut the door after them and
sighed, "Unbelievable. They're both just like him."


Nabiki: I never thought clones could be so alike. (shock)

A short while later, as Nabiki rinsed the soap and shampoo away,
and slipped into the warmth of the furo, Kasumi was trying to
complete her chores for the night.


It's too bad the smooth flow of prose from before had to be interrupted by this car wreck narrative. I don't think you need to mention Kasumi there. She was in no way segued properly here. Like I said, it was a head-on collision of two different trains of thought.

The panda grunted, his attention unwaveringly focused on the
game with Soun.

"About what, Kasumi?" Ranma asked, rising from his spot at the
table and facing her curiously.

"Ah, well�" Kasumi blushed and fidgeted uncharacteristically.


Your ellipses after the word 'well' will probably not translate well in ASCII form. FYI, that's yet another formatting error. Well, here's a li'l tip if you're using Microsoft Word (if not, might I suggest using a plaintext writing program?) Go to the Tools menu, click AutoCorrect', then unclick all the options there. That way, your fic is sure to become ASCII friendly on all formats.

Ranma swallowed nervously.

"It's kind of startling. I mean, they are so much like you,
Ranma-kun."


Nabiki: They love each other almost as much as you love yourself. Wait, they are you, so it's no surprise. 

Ranma: Aw, come on! Like I'd want to make out with me! Though I'd bet I'm a good kisser... (considers)

Ranma opened his mouth to protest, but Akane interrupted. "What
have they done this time, Oneechan?"


(shrug) Why not 'Onee-chan' for consistency's sake? (you did, after all, made use of 'Ranma-kun' as opposed to 'Ranmakun')

Ranma and Akane found the closet door ajar as they approached.
Looking inside, it was evident that the couple had fled after
being discovered. They looked around the house and dojo for a
while, trying to find them, but had little success.


Scampering around the house like mice in heat, I see.

Frustrated

by the fruitless search, and reminded by his stomach that he had
not finished dinner, Ranma wandered into the kitchen to prepare
a snack. Turning on the lights, he spotted the couple in the
corner, eyes closed and lips a hair away from touching. Ranma
stood there for a moment in a kind of shock. With one eye
twitching, he struggled with a feeling he could not describe.


Heh. Nice visual. Very anime-ish.

shameless couple anywhere in Tokyo, it was the pair right in
front of him. On some obtuse level, Ranma took their inability
to succeed in their endeavor as a personal insult. Finally he


Eyng?

could not take it. Oblivious to Akane frozen in outrage and
apprehension behind him, he grabbed the girl and whipped her
around to face him. "What's with you? You didn't have any
problems kissing Ryouga!" he accused. The couple blinked at him
in confusion.

Ah.

"Ranma!" Akane shouted in disbelief, startling her fiance and
causing his duplicates to cringe. The surge of anger washed out
the concern that had gripped her when she caught Ranma staring
at Anma and Anko. "Are you trying to encourage her!?" Akane
demanded righteously, as she pounded Ranma to the floor.


demanded righteously as she pounded Ranma to the floor. (get rid of the comma)

Ranma slowly picked himself up off the kitchen floor, swallowing
the surge of fury inspired by Akane's "conversation stopper" and
looked around. As expected, the lovebirds had flown the coop.


(shrug) At the very least, this is a fanfic that has a point of interest to sink my teeth into. :) I mean, the last two fics I C&Ced had me struggling to keep awake... they had me asking, "What's the point?" Here, we have something to, er, look forward to. Ah, plot points...

While he had tried to explain to Akane, who did not listen to a
word, that he had only been confused by odd repulsion he had
detected between the copies, they had gotten away.


To Akane's credit, the truth in this case was stranger than fiction.

Taking a deep

breath and letting it out in a long sigh, Ranma shook his head.
Why didn't Akane notice something weird was goin' on with those
two? Ranma asked himself.


Had this been an Akane-bashing author *coughoagraesojcough* Ranma would have thought, "Why is it that Akane is so dull when it comes to ki-sensing? That uncute and clumsy gorilla-strong amateur..."

He had seen then snuggle and kiss


He had seen them snuggle and kiss

But, Ranma knew he would be held responsible, that everyone
would keep on judging him on the basis of what they did.


Unfortunate, that. Like how children have to deal with famous parents.

He was still angry about the things Akane had

said to him before stomping off.


Well, that's new. Usually it's the other way around.

The beating he had received was

already forgotten, but her accusations still burned in his mind.


Well, that's certainly another thing about Ranma... the only reason in my mind that would keep him from 'hating' Akane altogether despite her being 'violent and psychotic'... Ranma can 'shrug off' most of Akane's outbursts of temper.

The fact that she refused to hear his explanation gnawed at him
worse. The fact that she still held him responsible, and
despised him, for things that he was not responsible for--for
things that happened to him, rankled the worst.


Really? This is usually what happens between them, really... Akane thinking the worst about Ranma in certain situations because of her previous 'trauma' with him, I mean. I don't see why he should be affected this much over an incident which isn't particularly exclusive to many other similar incidents.

Why do I care what she thinks anyway? Ranma thought petulantly,
turning around and preparing for a leap to the roof. Before he
could make another move toward his closest sanctuary, Ranma's
mind flashed over a number of moments when a different Akane had
allowed herself to be glimpsed. An Akane that appeared more
frequently before strangers and casual acquaintances, Ranma
noted unhappily.


Ah yes. The nice Akane. That's the main argument of factions supporting non-R&A pair-ups... that Akane, more often than not, acts nice to almost everyone else except Ranma. She treats Ranma just a little better than she treats Kuno.

The only time Akane had been unconditionally

sweet and kind and understanding with Ranma had been that short
time after they first met, when Akane had believed Ranma was
really a girl.


Many pro-R&A sites could argue, in great detail, otherwise. Of course, this could be Ranma's POV on the situation, with him forgetting many of the times Akane had been unconditionally sweet and kind. Arguably though, Ranma should at least remember several other instances where Akane was sweet to him other than the aforementioned 'first time meeting.'

Generally speaking, Akane hasn't been quite the nicest to Ranma and their arguments seemingly outweigh most of the times that they're nice to each other.

Even after Akane had accepted the curse, she had

still been quick to call Ranma a pervert or a freak.


Flawed as Akane is, many people in the Ranmavese suffer from this shortsightedness. Does it make Akane's shortcomings acceptable? No, but shortcomings are shortcomings.

Sometimes,

Ranma thought, It's like� I'm not enough of a girl for her.


Eyng? Is that the problem? O_o

"Ha! We know all about that trap, Ranma!" Anko declared, jumping
to her feet with Anma. The clones took up guard positions
against Ranma, waiting for him to make the first move. "You'll
never trick us into it!"

"I've seen you use it, and Anko's told me all about it," Anma
informed Ranma with a smirk.


Well, that's a big boo-boo. Ranma almost never backs out of a challenge ever.

Ranma bit his lip, cursing himself silently. It would have been
nice if they had just taken his threat as a warning. He was dead
serious, and prepared to carry out his threat. By opposing him,
they forced him to, and being trapped in a confined space with
the warped old master was not a pleasant fate. Clearly, they did
not think he was capable of beating them, looking eager and
ready to meet his challenge,


Chips off the ol' block, one might say.

Anma and Anko did not linger. They sprinted in toward Ranma
along the tiled crest, silently coordinating a high-low attack.
Ranma literally climbed out of the way, hopping onto Anko's
striking foot, then bouncing up to spring board off of Anma's
striking fist. He stayed in the air, riding the tide of blows
for a few moments as the two worked through a series of close in
strikes and grappling moves.

"Hold him, Anko!" Anma commanded.

"I'm trying, Anma!" she cried, trying to take advantage of her
superior speed.


Pink and Link: (both sighs in chorus) Amateurs.

Anma and Anko redoubled their efforts. They struck quickly and
precisely, hoping to disrupt the rhythm of Ranma's evasions,
wearing grins of concentration and determination the equal of
Ranma's own.


If each precise punch gets precisely blocked, then shouldn't they consider making their strikes more random instead of precise? I mean, they're using precision where precision isn't needed. A good ol' mindless double Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken where you strike everywhere would be more effective at this point. But that's just me.

Their close-in grappling disguised their attempts to pat him
down and locate the compact. He put up enough to a defense to


He put up enough of a defense to

keep their hands from diving into the folds of his clothing, and
keep them focused on their efforts to snatch the compact he had
carefully palmed and shifted into ki-space.


So it's 'ki-space' now? :/

It was the same

technique Mousse used, on a massive scale, for his hidden
weapons technique. Ranma was still trying to figure out the
version Akane used, which allowed her to occasionally summon an
familiar weapon to hand in moments of righteous anger--


In moments of righteous anger, Akane kicks Ranma to the stratosphere more than she mallets him. Also, she's been known to use shinai, tables, and other foreign objects. One might say that the mallet thing is merely fanfic convention, if not anime canon.

but since

she could not do it consciously at will, and she typically used
it when Ranma was distracted, he had not yet solved the mystery.


(snort) Yeah, sure. Right. Distracted. I guess that's the only logical explanation authors can come up with on the inconsistency of Ranma's prowess during actions scenes and during comedy scenes.

"I can't let you two�" Ranma could not complete the sentence. He
still could not really deal with their mutual affection. His
mind flashed back to the sight of them pawing at each other, and
he experienced a sudden queasiness as it crossed threads with
the feel of their hands darting all over his body, trying to
slip inside his shirt and pant's waist.


Ranma: I mean, yuck! I don't even touch myself, and them touching themselves is like me touching myself, and... and... it's just soooo wrong in so many levels, dammit!

"If you'd just keep your hands to yourselves," Ranma pled
angrily, blocking and deflecting their probes more forcefully,


Anko and Anma: THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO!

"It's much more fun putting my hands all over you!" Anko
taunted, allowing one of her probes to turn into a caress.


Ranma: I don't want ANY caressing 'probes' near me!

Is 'probes' really the right word here, fic?

Ranma stared at her in wide-eyed alarm, grabbing Anma and
thrusting him forward as Anko lunged forward in a patented glomp
attack.


Ah, the infamous 'glomp'... Catering to the fandom, I see.

"What are they fighting about now?" Nabiki inquired laconically.

"See, Tendo? I told you my son would deal with those two," Genma
announced proudly, towling


toweling

As everyone commented or complained, their heads bobbed and
turned following the action. Nabiki, in particular, focused in


You don't need the "in" word.

"That must be where he's hiding it!" Anko cried
enthusiastically, making a move to dive right at Ranma's crotch.
"He sure has something there worth hiding!"

"Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!" Anma declared,
grabbing Ranma by the belt and preparing to thrust a hand in.

^^;

Ranma twisted free and jumped across the yard to escape,
clutching one hand over his heart while the other was clamped
securely over the cloth belt holding his pants up. "Whatta ya
think you're doin'? You're a guy, damn it!" he cried out in
disbelief.


Heh.

He had thrown away a chance to catch one of them in

the mirror, but he had not been willing to risk being dragged in
along with them. The new tactics Anko was employing were making
Ranma more desperate to end this fight than any other in his
life.


Yeah, since those are Shampoo's tactics she's employing.

"Give it up. You're nothing next to Happosai," Ranma snorted,
conjuring up the mental and emotional defenses that allowed him
to prevail in combat against the master molestor himself. Taking
a stance, he urged them to come at him.


His Heart of Ice training is kicking in, I suppose?

Unfortunately, Akane had been stuck on the sidelines for too
long. Having watched Ranma strugging against two to one odds,


struggling

"Akane! This is my fight! Get out of the way or you'll get
hurt!" Ranma warned at once.

"Don't be an idiot, Ranma! It's two against one!" Akane retorted
angrily.

-_-

Akane dodged frantically, straining to evade the lightning kicks
and punches Anko was delivering. The diminutive redhead pressed
on, deliberately pushing Akane to her very limits, but carefully
not exceeding them.


(sighs) Akane's entrance had me frustrated. Good work, fic. You got reader reaction so early on in the fic, which I believe is a sign of good writing. That, or my biased frustration over Akane's so-called shortcomings.

"Akane! Get outta there before you get hurt!" Anma paused to
shout.

"I can handle myself! Just hurry up and use the compact!" Akane
returned between wild punches. She could not understand her
failure to connect with Anko, but her temper was rising, and the
mallet that never let her down was itching to come into play.


Funny thing I should note is that, other than in fanfics, Akane never really uses that mallet in 'real' fights, really. Obviously, it could only mean that the mallet 'convention' was only meant for comedic scenes and some such.

Anko was hefting the mallet, in position for a devastating down
swing when Ranma was forced to return his attention to Anma's
next offensive. The two exchanged a violent series of blows, one
of them desperate to end things quickly, the other determined to
stretch the fight out. While there was one rebellious thought in
Ranma's head about Akane finally learning what it was like to be
on the receiving end of that infameous hammer, genuine fear for


infamous

Ranma could not take the suspense anymore. Trying to end the
fight before Akane got seriously hurt, or distracted him enough
for Anma to get the upper hand, Ranma took the first opening his
clone offered and tried to end it. Producing the mirror and
flipping it open lightening fast to catch the wide-eyed gaze of
his opponant, Ranma thought his victory was assured. Anma,


opponent

prepared for this maneuver since the start of the fight, moved
his hand just an instant before Ranma brought the compact in
line, and caught him by the wrist. In a deft motion, he twisted
Ranma's wrist and broke his hold on the mirror. Catching the
mirror in the same movement, he flipped it around in Ranma's
face.

"Oh, man!" Ranma barely got out, before being sucked into the
mirror.


Tsk, tsk, tsk. Damn, that was a good ending of the fight. Seems that the Delilah factor was ultimately Anma's advantage against Ranma.

-----

It was not uncommon for Ranma's mind to rapidly rehash events,
whenever an opponent managed to out maneuver him. It pulled up


outmaneuver

The next blink of thought was devoted to the situation his
current set back was thrusting him into. Being captured in the


setback

The sudden spash of water as a cold waterballoon burst on the


splash... water balloon

The battle between Akane and Anko had stopped abruptly when
Ranma was suddenly whisked into the mirror. The exchanged
glances and then focused on the Ranma that had emerged
victorious. The same question was on eveyone's mind, but rather


everyone's

"Besides," Nabiki put in thoughtfully, "if he IS the wrong
Ranma, we'd have to let Happosai out to get the real one back."


Tsk, tsk. (smirks) Iiiinteresting. :)

"I dunno," Anma debated, carefully shying away from the fountain
of tears. "Can't let them starve in there. Guess I haveta let


"have ta" or "have to"

"If there was room to run in there, I might not be worried�"
Akane commented uneasily.

"He was a boy when he went in," Nabiki assured her sister.
"Happosai might drive poor Ranma crazy, but he certainly can't
molest him. He will be huddled up in his collection, staying as
far away from the boy as possible. Probably."


So where'd the water balloon come from anyway?

Jumpstarted into consciousness, the girl sat up like a bolt and
stared out the window. A second ball of light shot at her from
the window, and her hand rose unconsciously to catch it. It
dissipated on contact as if were a ball she had summoned and


"as if were a ball" sounds weird. Please revise.

"Ano! That was Ranma! I am sure of it!" he screeched to a halt.


Nitpick... 'Ano' can be roughly translated as, 'Uuummm...' or 'Errr...' So ending 'Ano' with an exclamation mark would give us the rough equivalent of 'Um!' or 'Er!' which just sounds stupid, IMO.

"I wonder what he's doing in Kyoto?" He puzzled that
imponderable for a moment before grinning, "This is my chance to


I think you're using 'imponderable' wrong, AFAIK. It's not suppose to be used as a noun.

pay him back without anyone around to interfere!" Thinking back
to the horrifying and humiliating scene he had endured a few
days earlier, a sickly green and purple aura pulsed around him.
There he had been, sitting on a bench awaiting his date with
Akari, when that perverted transsexual had jumped on him and


Transsexual? I guess that's technically correct, though fandom has come up with an even more apt term for Ranma... aquatranssexual.

Unfortunately, his quarry was not exactly in sight. Ryouga tried
to compose himself as he slipped carefully up the wall. He did
not dare attack until he had Ranma in his sights. As he cleared
the top of the wall, he remembered the lame excuse Ranma had
come up with to explain his actions. The very notion of a cursed
mirror that spat out perverted copies of who ever looked into it


The word 'whoever' doesn't need to be separated into its component words, since it's (whoever) a word.

was ludicrous. If that was true, he criticized, peering down

>from the top of the wall, why had Ryouga not seen Ranma and this

alleged duplicate together, like he was seeing now? Even if such
nonsense were true, knowing Ranma, he would have been hiding
behind the bushes molesting his female half like the two Ranma's
before him. No chance that pervert would let such a cute girl
have a chance at Ryouga!


Heh. Yep, that sounds about right. Ryoga-logic at its worst.

This actually stopped Ryouga for a second. Gaping in sheer
disbelief he roared, "What is this!? Have you been playing with


disbelief, he roared,

"I was talkin' to him!" Ryouga roared.

"Who are you calling a girl!" Anma lashed out with a series of
lightening kicks and punches. The first barrage slipped through
the lost boy's guard, forcing him back a step. "Man, you're
tough!" Anma noted in surprise. Even Ranma would have tried to
evade those blows, but the stranger just blocked them cold.


I was kind of wary of these twins being annoying. I mean, they are annoying, but in a good way. The complications that arise from them being themselves are great and fun to read. ^-^

"RAAANMAAAAA! I can't BELIEVE you!" Akane was pissed. At last,
Ranma had shown his true stripes, getting rid of the male copy
and molesting the female copy himself!


-_-

Akane is really frustrating me here, but it's not as if it's out of character for her to think this way. Gah. The upside to this is the fact that Anma's getting the brunt of Akane's obvious misunderstanding instead of Ranma. You have some great writing here, fic. :)

"You can't run away, Ranma!" she raced after the couple,
determined to help Ryouga fulfill his oft-repeated pledge.
Ryouga, peeling himself out of the wall, took one look at the
oncoming traffic and bolted down the side yard. As he barreled
forward, he spotted the moon reflected in the koi-pond and
skidded to a halt. Akane was right behind him. There was no way
he could safely pass that water in a combat situation. Turning
around, he raced into the teeth of the clones' combined attacks.
The couple was so surprised at his sudden charge that they
barely managed to dodge his lunging thrust.


Ryoga: (blinks) Well, I'm glad that worked.

Akane stood there in horror, helpless as she envisioned the last
few hours of Ranma trapped alone with Happosai. "Wh� where did
he get cold water in there?" she asked in shocked disbelief.


Yes, Akane. At least for this one time, feel the guilt.

Ranma-chan, rising up from where she had cowered behind him,


Suggest: Replacing 'him' with 'Anma', just to be clear.

thumped him on the head. "I have seen hell because of you!"

"Oh please! Don't start. I've already heard it!" Anma rolled his
eyes.

"But you haven't heard the end of it!" Ranma promised darkly.


"You will hear me whine till the end of time!" Ranma threatened.

"Oooh. Scary. Whatever," Anma and the reader chorused.

In a sense, it was an apology, and remained unexpected. Akane
gave them all a funny look, shook her head, and went back into
the house. The trio stood baffled, wondering what she had been
about to say. Shrugging, the couple turned to Ranma- chan as


Ranma-chan

"I can't let you two cause any more problems for me," Ranma
insisted half apologetically.


Since I C&Ced this fic in the middle of things, I'm as confused as Anma and Anko on why Ranma thinks of them being together as a problem. What's the big deal with them getting nookie anyways? 

If you

ask me, it don't seem like you've really found someone ELSE to
love. It's just� wrong." With that, she slipped inside in a
cloud of dejection.

The couple stared after her, disturbed by her parting comments.


Ranma has something against narcissism.

Ranma: Like I said, wrong in many levels. 

So, in each chapter there will be a degree of

expansion, new content filling in details that were previously
only hinted at in a paragraph or two or merging of smaller
chapters with new chapters to fill in the space.


(shrugs) Whatever works, author-san.

That should

hopefully allow the faster, clustered events of the later
chapters to be spread out a little bit as well. Also, the
original title of the second chapter was transferred to serve as
the title of this first volume. I have experimented with a way
to provide a degree of formatting for posting at Fanfiction Net,


My suggestion is go full-tilt and format it html, complete with bold/italic characters and html line breaks. In other words, have a text copy for FFML, and an HTML copy for Fanfiction.net. Worked for me.

and if it helps make this chapter more readable I will reformat
the first chapter and use it throughout. If you don't see a
difference, then that means all of it was picked out by the
weird system they've instituted. You would think that a story
archive site would allow for simple things like tabs and section
breaks�

Not to mention ellipses formatted by MS Word, which do not translate well in ASCII and should instead be replaced by three periods. :P

In terms of plot, I'm a bit divided. On one hand, this fic had its moments, especially with the special breed of chaos Anma and Anko brings into Ranma's world. Akane's shortcomings were highlighted here, but not in an Akane-basher kind of way. Akane was presented that way because that's Akane's tendency, and I'm cool with that. That kind of writing style, IMO, is indicative of good, un-biased writing. The plot is superb, solid and believable as an episode of Ranma had it been more slapstick and comedic. As a fanfic drama piece, it succeeds. It's really good plot that supports the average way it was presented. On the other hand... the writing leaves much to be desired. In terms of grammar quality, the writing was inconsistent with the IMO superb plot.
There were parts of the story where the narrative was trying too hard to sound important, when it doesn't have to. All it has to do is present the plot. No need to 'flower' up the language to show off how one should construct compound and complex sentences. You're telling an already great and well-plotted story, so no need to make car-wreck narratives, ambitious run-on and multiple-thought sentences. No need for fanfic cliches, especially. Simplify it so your great story shines through.

Still, it's not the worst fic that I've read in terms of spelling and sentence construction. That's my two cents. Keep on writing. Abdiel out.

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