Thunderstruck wrote:
You've gotten some good feedback on this story already, so I
will try not to be redundant to what other authors have said.
Actually when it comes to mistakes, it's difficult to be too redundent. When
one person says something seems off, it's easy to ignore. When ten people
say it, it's probably valid. That happened with something in one of my fics
about an antagonist going into a bit of an exposition. I thought it was
justified in my mind (and still do) One person was emphatic about it being a
mistake. I shrugged off the recommendation to change it until other people
started agreeing with him, while no one defended it as being fine. So I
reworked the scene and exposition. No one complained about the change, and
those that complained originally thought it read better. I wouldn't have
done that if only one or two people recommended the change, though.
**********
This is a story that takes place in little place called Nerima, Japan. To
anyone who didn�t live there, it would seem like the craziest, most out of
control place in the entire world. No exceptions, not even LA at
midnight.
And thus I recommend losing that intro as well. I originally stopped at this
point, but enough commentary about it was thrown about that I looked over it
more carefully.
I would submit as a suggestion to you that you rethink this
basic assumption that Nerima is somehow crazier than the rest
of the world in the Ranmaverse. While this is a pretty common
fanfic notion, it does not really bear out from the source
material, and I (as one reader) find it a bit grating.
Ranma and company travel to many places outside Nerima in the
course of the series. Every one of them has curses, enchantments,
monsters, weird martial artists, and so forth and so on. There is
every indication that the entire world works that way in the
series, not that it's localized to Nerima.
As Bert pointed out, it's never stated definitively in the source material
one way or the other and there's enough evidence to use either idea. I tend
to use a more extravagent world setting myself, since it gives me more
potential plot points.
Along with this, you might consider a different title than:
Just Another Day
A Ranma � fanfic by Dragonboy (With random inputs by Dark Light)
... which is like saying there's nothing special about your story.
It feels like you're undercutting yourself with that kind of
assumption, that what goes on in your story is just "same old,
same old" for Ranma and Co.
Except I don't know a story that actually says something like that in the
title and the story is actually intended that way (Maybe it turns out boring
unintentionally). I've always felt it something of a misdirection when I see
a title like this. I will agree it's not inspiring either, though.
() signifies author�s random inputs/MSTing. My buddy DL will be doing
most
of this.
I really would advise you to write the story "clean" first, and then
if you and your friend want to do a MSTing of it, post that as a
separate piece.
Yeah. Agree here.
How depressing, the boy thought, I come to this school hearing about
powerful martial artists, and I get no one.
If Ginami has more motive for fighting than this, I would really
advise you to establish those motives as early as you can. The basic
"I seek powerful foes to test my strength" is pretty thin stuff.
Most motives can be reduced to basic things like this. Alone it'll probably
be boring. If it's only meant to serve as the contrivance for the
character's introduction, it can work. But more will need to be added.
In the Ranma continuity itself, I can only think of one character
who is like that, which was the Dojo Destroyer. And he was more of
a mobile prop than a character.
But it's a contrivance she used herself, so I don't see why the author can't
use it as well. Now, if he doesn't want someone as bland as DD, he'll have
to work at giving more personality than DD had. But I don't see it as being
something bad or that needs to be done away with. It's what else will be
added that will decide if the character is worth reading about.
Whether it's serious or humorous, give the guy some reasons for
being around. Personality flaws (other than arrogance) would also
be nice. Don't be afraid to make him over-the-top, if you have a
good angle - that's fine for Ranma 1/2 continuity. But give him
some more work.
Adding interesting new characters is hard.
making characters interesting is hard period, or else there would be a less
boring ones and far more interesting ones out there. :)
Ginami, still under Shampoo�s bike, was little impressed. �Excuse me,
ma�am, but if it�s not too much trouble, would you mind moving your bike
before I unleash seven kinds of lethal fury upon you?� He asked in what
barely passed as a calm voice.
�Aiya, sorry. Shampoo no see you there.�
I'm not so sure that Shampoo would just brush off a threat like
that with an easy apology. Shampoo is as proud a martial artist
as any of the rest of them, so that kind of direct challenge is
likely to get her back up rather than cause her to meekly
say she's sorry.
I wouldn't call that response 'meek.', and see no problem with her going
with a simple response like this since, given the author's context, it was
an accident and she really didn't mean to land the bike on him. I will say
the Ginami's response of 'before I unleash seven kinds of lethal fury upon
you?� is painfully melodramatic. Now this is good if he's supposed to be
melodramatic a la Kunou. If he's not, though, you can end it with "...bike?"
he asked in what passed...". Landing the bike on him was a good touch. He's
not completely invulnerable and falls victim to the same things other
members of the Ranma cast does. If that was your intention, it's
accomplished without the additional 'seven levels' bit.
�Stay out of my business, Akane.� He said without even looking at her.
In fact, I would say Ranma is much more likely to apologize than
Shampoo. He might do so in a fashion that irritates more than it
soothes, but on the whole he doesn't act aggressively towards
total strangers without provocation. Basic name-calling is SOME
provocation, but pretty light.
But this skirmish with Ranma was the conflict in the scene, something's
going to have to trigger it. Might want to tweak up either Ranma having a
bad day or Gim provoking him more to elicit the desired response from Ranma.
Ginami was amazed, not by the sudden appearance of the boy or his
ridiculous
accusation, but of the amount of battle aura he was releasing.
Very nice. Ginami thought. Maybe I can find a decent challenge here after
all.
Careful with the character favoritism here.
Yeah, This has all the subtlty of a hammer to the head. Try to avoid
telegraphing things as best as you can. Sizing up Ryouga like this probably
isn't necessary. Having Gin get a woody over Ryouga is even worse.
Author�s Notes: It�s been nearly three years since I started writing my
very first fanfic, Just Another Day, and now I�m finally getting it put
onto the FFML. This fic was greatly inspired by Rod M. (or RpM, whichever
he is going by now). His stories The More Things Change and The Pursuit
of
Happiness were the very first fanfics I had ever read, and to this day,
they
are still my favorite.
Hmm. Beware of aping things or merely giving a thinly veiled retelling of
another story. Also be aware of the flaws in the work, which even the author
himself admits are there. There's little more boring that reading something
that is little more than a retake on someone else piece. Rely more on the
source material for your inspiration than derivitive works. Hell, that's a
main part of the problem with much bad Ranma fanfiction out there: they use
fanfic as the source for material, and that's always, always, a horrible
mistake. While there isn't enough here to judge your piece one way or the
other, this little admission serves to make me very wary.
On the upside, working on the same fic for as long as you uave shows good
dilligence. That's hard to come by in writing period, and not something that
can be taught. The passion to write and persevere is either there or it's
not. It's nice to see you have it.
If you've really worked that far ahead, than I can guess you'll
be reluctant to make certain changes in the story that would
overly disrupt your continuity. Try not to let that stop you
from making improvements, though. Believe me, I have seen novel-
length manuscripts that have changed radically from the first
draft to the final product.
Yeah. Ask any editor and they'll tell you. Or any professional author who'll
share some tales of horror over having to change their stories massively. It
happens all the time.
I also feel I should tell
you that even though I plan on making this as comical as possible, there
will be a few angst scenes here and there.
You shouldn't tell us. Show us. The tone of the story should be set early on
and be evident to the reader. Now if your take on things is drastically
different from the source material (a She the Ultimate Weapon humor fic, for
instance.) or Dark Azumanga fics, it probably would be best to tip the
reader off early, though even then you might not want to and allow the
reader to read and figure it out on their own.
And one last thing, even though
this story starts out mainly centered on Ranma and Akane, it will slowly
begin to switch focus to Ryoga and Ukyo. I can�t help it, I like Ryoga, I
like Ukyo, and I like Ryoga and Ukyo together.
....
Wow. Nothing like taking Tension and Conflict out behind the shed and
putting a bullet into their heads to make sure they're dead, is there? If
you're going to give away major plot points and resolutions in the first ten
k of your fic, why should I bother reading it? Admittedly, Ranma 1/2 lacks
any sembelence of romantic tension (Love Hina is far, far worse), and maybe
the way you'll write your fic will make the eventual outcome evident in a
chapter or two (in all honesty, it might be unavoidable. It has been for me
at times due to the nature of a work). But at least try to create some
tension for the reader by not giving everything away.
Including Konatsu is not as much of a problem, since Ukyou
never really shows any kind of love-interest towards him.
Including Akari is a thornier issue, since Ryouga is obviously
very attached to her from early on. Deal with that respectfully
if you include it. If you dislike Akari so much that you don't
feel like you can write her fairly, then I would advise you
simply exclude her.
This is a major peeve of mine:
Of course, the inherent flaw with this statement is that whole 'you don't
feel like you can write her fairly' part, since most people that dislike a
character feel they are perfectly justified in their dislike and they are
treating said character 'fairly' when the exact opposite is true. I've seen
this in many, many fics, some quite popular, which is sadly pathetic. Far
better advice is 'if you dislike the character, don't use them *period*'. If
their appearance is required, keep it as minimal as possible and as neutral
as possible. Try to have as little happen to them as possible as well, since
a writer's dislike of a character almost always shows through and weakens a
fic immeasuarbly. Sometimes they attempt to disguise their dislike in the
plot.
Example:
Author: In my IY fic, after having Koga beaten up a couple of times and
given 1/5 the scenes and characterization of everyone else, I had Bad Guy X
cut off his hands to show how tough Bad Guy X is'.
The truth: Bad Guy X can be shown to be tough by doing any one of a million
other things, other than permenantly maiming a regular member of the cast,
especially when everyone else has been given more screen time and had
nothing anywhere near this happen to them.
Sometimes writers will try to hide their dislike or rationalize their using
the character they dislike as a punching bag by giving them a token
emotional scene to counterbalance whatever tortures they've put them
through. Death scenes frequently follow, or are a part of the tokenism.
Example:
Author: See, Koga's distracting Bad Guy X by gnawing on his ankle when Bad
Guy X went to hit Inu-Yasha at a critical moment means he's a hero. A dead
one, since Koga's head got cut off in the process. It also shows how
'serious' Bad Guy X is, since he killed Koga. Also Koga's death eliminates
him from Kagome's affections.
The truth: Killing a series regular to show how tough a bad guy is or how
'serious' your fic is is a cheap plot device, likewise whacking Koga to deal
with his affections for Kagome, who isn't interested in him anyway.
Really, it doesn't fool anyone. When one character in particular gets
crapped on, especially when nearly everyone else that is as much a regular
as they are isn't, and they aren't being dealt with in any major way, it's
almost always the result of dislike, not 'plot necessity'.
[Note: Technically Koga is probably only a semi-regular, but major enough I
think you get the point. If you don't, substitute Sango in for everything
but the Kagome bit]
That's not to say no character should be crapped on or not killed, just that
when it happens to one (or maybe two) characters, and not to the same degree
of anyone else, especially when said crapping can be avoided, you probably
shouldn't be doing it, especially if it's the character you like the least
or near the bottom of your list.
Reread source material and see how others characters in the story actually
react to the character you dislike, rather than how you *feel* they should
be reacting, and go from there. Sadly, the people that should heed the
advice the most almost always ignore it.
DB Sommer
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