You've gotten some good feedback on this story already, so I
will try not to be redundant to what other authors have said.
**********
This is a story that takes place in little place called Nerima, Japan. To
anyone who didn�t live there, it would seem like the craziest, most out of
control place in the entire world. No exceptions, not even LA at midnight.
<snip>
But what�s this? New enemies, old nemesis�s, revealed secrets, broken
hearts, blooming romances, big stinking, fast-paced, explosion-filled
battles�and all in the first five days!? Odd? Crazy? Unbelievable? Maybe
where you�re from. But here in Nerima, it�s�
I would submit as a suggestion to you that you rethink this
basic assumption that Nerima is somehow crazier than the rest
of the world in the Ranmaverse. While this is a pretty common
fanfic notion, it does not really bear out from the source
material, and I (as one reader) find it a bit grating.
Ranma and company travel to many places outside Nerima in the
course of the series. Every one of them has curses, enchantments,
monsters, weird martial artists, and so forth and so on. There is
every indication that the entire world works that way in the
series, not that it's localized to Nerima.
Along with this, you might consider a different title than:
Just Another Day
A Ranma � fanfic by Dragonboy (With random inputs by Dark Light)
... which is like saying there's nothing special about your story.
It feels like you're undercutting yourself with that kind of
assumption, that what goes on in your story is just "same old,
same old" for Ranma and Co.
() signifies author�s random inputs/MSTing. My buddy DL will be doing most
of this.
I really would advise you to write the story "clean" first, and then
if you and your friend want to do a MSTing of it, post that as a
separate piece.
How depressing, the boy thought, I come to this school hearing about
powerful martial artists, and I get no one.
If Ginami has more motive for fighting than this, I would really
advise you to establish those motives as early as you can. The basic
"I seek powerful foes to test my strength" is pretty thin stuff.
In the Ranma continuity itself, I can only think of one character
who is like that, which was the Dojo Destroyer. And he was more of
a mobile prop than a character.
Whether it's serious or humorous, give the guy some reasons for
being around. Personality flaws (other than arrogance) would also
be nice. Don't be afraid to make him over-the-top, if you have a
good angle - that's fine for Ranma 1/2 continuity. But give him
some more work.
Adding interesting new characters is hard. Don't be afraid to go
back and scrap any given aspect of what you had in mind if there
is something more interesting and compelling that comes up.
Ginami, still under Shampoo�s bike, was little impressed. �Excuse me,
ma�am, but if it�s not too much trouble, would you mind moving your bike
before I unleash seven kinds of lethal fury upon you?� He asked in what
barely passed as a calm voice.
�Aiya, sorry. Shampoo no see you there.�
I'm not so sure that Shampoo would just brush off a threat like
that with an easy apology. Shampoo is as proud a martial artist
as any of the rest of them, so that kind of direct challenge is
likely to get her back up rather than cause her to meekly
say she's sorry.
Ginami stood up and brushed himself off. �Apology accepted, no harm done.
Now where was I? �Oh yes, I believe I was about to beat this boy�s face in
for that cowardly sneak attack of his.�
Ranma smiled. �Tough guy, huh? Okay, let�s see if you can keep me
interested longer that Kuno did.�
By now, a fair amount of students had crowded around to see what was
happening. The shorthaired girl walked over. �Ranma, why can�t you just
apologize?�
�Stay out of my business, Akane.� He said without even looking at her.
In fact, I would say Ranma is much more likely to apologize than
Shampoo. He might do so in a fashion that irritates more than it
soothes, but on the whole he doesn't act aggressively towards
total strangers without provocation. Basic name-calling is SOME
provocation, but pretty light.
I would suggest that rather than starting with Ranma initiating
the attack here, consider having him open with a "Geez, what's
your problem?" approach, and a fair amount of dodging. Unless
something significant causes him to lose his temper, he usually
approaches new foes from a defensive mindset first.
Ginami was amazed, not by the sudden appearance of the boy or his ridiculous
accusation, but of the amount of battle aura he was releasing.
Very nice. Ginami thought. Maybe I can find a decent challenge here after
all.
Careful with the character favoritism here. I think Ryouga's a
great character too, but having Ginami impressed with him on
sight while being underwhelmed at Ranma is a stretch. You can make
a solid case that Ryouga and Ranma are equals. Treat them that way
as an author, and you'll be fine.
Author�s Notes: It�s been nearly three years since I started writing my
very first fanfic, Just Another Day, and now I�m finally getting it put
onto the FFML. This fic was greatly inspired by Rod M. (or RpM, whichever
he is going by now). His stories The More Things Change and The Pursuit of
Happiness were the very first fanfics I had ever read, and to this day, they
are still my favorite. I think it only fair to warn everyone that like TMTC
& TPOH, this story is going to end up being pretty long (I�m currently on
chapter seventeen and only about half way done.)
If you've really worked that far ahead, than I can guess you'll
be reluctant to make certain changes in the story that would
overly disrupt your continuity. Try not to let that stop you
from making improvements, though. Believe me, I have seen novel-
length manuscripts that have changed radically from the first
draft to the final product.
I also feel I should tell
you that even though I plan on making this as comical as possible, there
will be a few angst scenes here and there. And one last thing, even though
this story starts out mainly centered on Ranma and Akane, it will slowly
begin to switch focus to Ryoga and Ukyo. I can�t help it, I like Ryoga, I
like Ukyo, and I like Ryoga and Ukyo together.
I'm going to give you my take on the Ryouga/Ukyou pairing, which
you can take for what it's worth. As I see it, this is what you
have to work with.
Ukyou and Ryouga have a connection, but not an attraction to
each other. Depending on when you set this with regards to
mainline continuity, they have worked in conjunction several
times, and seem to get along reasonably well. Certainly they've
been allies, and it wouldn't be a stretch to call them friends.
But again, in the manga they are not attracted to each other.
Both of them display pretty obvious behavior patterns when
they find someone attractive, and they don't act that way
towards each other.
This is NOT to say that a romance between them is not in the
cards. In fact, I think a lot of readers thought Takahashi-san
was heading that way before the introduction of Akari. It's just
that Ryouga and Ukyou are so focused on their other romantic
tangles that neither of them has noticed the other in a way
beyond friendship (or alliance, if you prefer).
Very strong relationships can rise from that. As a writer, if
you've got an Ukyou/Ryouga pairing in mind, I advise that you
create some situation which plausibly allows them to see each
other in a new, more romantic light.
Including Konatsu is not as much of a problem, since Ukyou
never really shows any kind of love-interest towards him.
Including Akari is a thornier issue, since Ryouga is obviously
very attached to her from early on. Deal with that respectfully
if you include it. If you dislike Akari so much that you don't
feel like you can write her fairly, then I would advise you
simply exclude her. Call it an alternate continuity, or anime-
based, or whatever.
Good luck with the story...
Grayson Towler
http://www.talesfromthevault.com/relentless
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