It�s the city of a hundred stories,

Just FYI, Nerima isn't a city by itself, it's part of Tokyo.  Like, say, 
Greenwich Village isn't really a city, it's just a part of New York City.

But here in Nerima, it�s�

While the whole recap is mildly amusing and well-written, it's also entirely 
unnecessary.  Those who read this story are going to know all this 
background stuff already.  I'd recommend ditching it.  One important part of 
fanfic writing is that you have to start your story quickly, draw in the 
reader right away, or you risk losing them altogether.  With so many fanfics 
out there, it's a harsh reality that people will tend to skip over stories 
that don't begin right away.  This recap of things we already know is a good 
way to get people to lose interest right away.

Italic words signify thought.
<> signifies Chinese.
[] signifies sign writing.
() signifies author�s random inputs/MSTing.  My buddy DL will be doing 
most
of this.

I myself have never been a fan of <> or other things to signify that another 
language is being spoken.  After all, how many times do you see that sort of 
thing in stories?  Okay, some of Piers Anthony's stuff, I'll grant you that. 
=)  But really, all you have to do is something like, "What's Ranma up to?" 
Shampoo asked her grandmother in Chinese.

Then she turned to the boy.  �Are you alright?�

This is one of my pet peeves.  =)  Just because already is a word doesn't 
mean alright is a word, too.  "Are you all right?"

an aura about her that almost matched the boy with the
wooden sword.

I'd say exceeds.  Akane's never had a problem laying Kuno flat whenever she 
wanted to.

�Well then,� The boy said.  �I shall apologize

"Well then," the boy said, "I shall apologize...

The boy�s speech was cut off when a bicycle
suddenly dropped onto his head and knocked
him to the ground again.

Okay, predictable but it still made me chuckle.

lethal fury upon you?�  He asked in what

Don't capitalize "He".

�Stay out of our fight, P-Chan.�

Ryoga punched him back, �Who are you calling P-Chan, sissy boy?�

This is slightly out of character; Ranma never calls Ryoga "P-Chan" in front 
of Akane.

End of Prologue.

Okay, thoughts:

This comes dangerously close to your typical bad self-insert fic: the 
mysterious stranger that appears and interacts with every major character 
and is Ranma's equal at martial arts.  Boring, boring booooring to everyone 
else but the author.  The only redeeming feature is that bad things happen 
to your avatar, such as Shampoo's bike to the back of his head.

Very stereotypical things happen to your avatar in this story, and even the 
jokes are well-worn retreads.

Your prose is very good, despite the occasional mechanical error.  Your 
dialogue sounds relatively natural and unforced.  You have a good feel for 
description and prose, which is good to see in a first-time fanfic writer.

Story needs work, though.  Ranma 1/2 came out ten years ago, and there have 
been thousands of fanfics about it.  Thousands upon thousands.  So if you 
want your story to get attention, it has to be more than the usual 
self-insert fantasy.  You have to do unexpected things, create stories and 
situations that are not just standard fanfic conventions.  Only then will 
you get some attention.

Those are just my opinions, of course.  =)  When all is said and done, this 
is your story to do with as you please.

-Richard 


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