--- Bert Miller <hkmiller@theeddy.com> wrote:

Damn.  This is DARK.  I'm glad I don't think of things
like this.

It could be worse.  For instance, I considered having Kaorin overreact
to Sakaki nearly snapping, and just run away on the spot.

But, how about adding one or two
sentences to the last paragraph which echoe your first
paragraph?

 "Even from three stories up, Kagura could see Chiyo's
  blissful smile, surrounded by a fan-shaped ochre
  area, rising from Chiyo's head like a second set of
  hair and still spreading..."

or something like that.

I tried to invoke that with the rain in Kagura's eyes.  I was also
thinking to lighten it a bit by leaving Chiyo's fate not explicitly
stated.  (Tomo survived the same fall.)  That said, perhaps it would
work better to link back to the very beginning, instead of just to the
third section.

My main reaction first time through (aside from the
"eww!" reaction to Osaka's death)

Deliberately placed.  After the reactions my last fic got (which
reactions were the main inspiration for this), I wanted to very clearly
warn off anyone expecting a WAFF (the norm for Azumanga fics).  I
considered putting extra warnings in the header or subject, but those
just made it look pompous IMO.

(BTW, a quick note to those who've been privately calling this a "death
fest": if that's what I was aiming for, I could have had Kaorin commit
suicide after Sakaki confronts her, Tomo not survive the fall, and
perhaps Kagura go over when trying to catch Chiyo.  Note that I didn't.
Death is but a means to an end, not an end itself, in this fic.  The
mood is the objective.)

was that I didn't
think you had Kagura's and Sakaki's characterizations
quite nailed.

That may be what I was sensing.

And, obviously, the core of your story
is an extrapolation of Chiyo which might strike many
readers as unintuitive.

Per the title: the core of the story is Chiyo, breaking.  For all her
genius, she has not been in high-stress situations, and she is still
immature.

If I had to pick one of the girls
to be Chiyo's closest friend at the end of the series,
I'd have picked Sakaki or possibly Yomi.

Eh?  Chiyo may spend more time with Sakaki because their paths to and
from school happen to be similar, and she may intellectually relate to
Yomi more than any of the others, but Osaka seems to be far and away
her best friend.  (Yomi has Tomo, Sakaki is a bit of a loner, Kagura is
a bit more, and Kaorin wishes she had Sakaki.)

A moment of silence passed.  "That should not be
possible," observed Sakaki.

Here, for instance.  This is the kind of thing Yomi
says.  Sakaki just stays silent at moments like this.

Good point.  Yomi just said the line previous, though...but perhaps I
could shuffle it so Kagura says that line and then Yomi makes this
observation.

"I knew those driving lessons I asked Yukari for would
pay off!"

Heh.  Now THIS, on the other hand, fits Tomo to a 'T'!

Someone didn't believe me when I said I'd have Yukari teaching Tomo to
drive in my next Azumanga fic.  ^_^

Yomi shook her head.  "I should go with Tomo.

Struck me as a strange decision by Yomi.  She wants to
spend MORE time with Tomo?

Again...for all the pain Tomo is on the surface, deep down, Yomi and
Tomo are best friends, and were since before the series started.  The
going never gets rough during the series - that's part of its point -
but if it ever did, and if they were given a choice, they would be
there for each other, first and foremost.  Tomo might make wisecracks
if she were the uninjured one, and Yomi will probably complain once
Tomo is conscious, but they would be there for each other.

and ran over to Osaka.  She knelt, grabbed Osaka's
hand through the sheets, pulled up...

...and was forced to let go by a chop to her wrists
from Kagura.

And this doesn't strike me as a Kagura thing to do.  It
seems more like a Tomo thing to do.  Kagura is quite
capable of brutal, simplistic approaches to problems
when it comes to words and thoughts, but I can't think
of anywhere in the manga where she takes any hasty,
brutal actions.

Tomo is prone to quick actions that don't necessarily solve problems.
Kagura is prone to quick solutions.  There is a difference.  Here,
Kagura is judging (correctly) that Chiyo is having difficulty accepting
what has happened, and (incorrectly) that brute forcing Chiyo to face
it will solve that problem.

I wonder if there's a better way to depict it.

Kagura grabbed Chiyo by the shoulders and looked her
in the eyes. "CHIYO MIHAMA!"

Chiyo sniffled.  "Y-yes?"

"Listen to me.  Osaka.  Is.  Dead."

And this.  I'd expect Kagura to abruptly become very
diffident, looking around to others for guidance, in
such a situation.  Kagura tends to recognize very
quickly when she's out of her depth.

I think I see the problem: I failed to show that Kagura saw she was
running out of people to turn to, and knew that something had to be
done.  Yomi, Tomo, and Osaka are gone; Chiyo is the problem; Sakaki is
busy dealing with Kaorin (and spectators, in this scene).  Being out of
her depth contributes to her stress.

Does that sound accurate?  If so, I'll look for a more explicit way to
depict that.

"Yeah, whatever, Miss Weepy Diet Girl."

"TOMO!  I thought we agreed you'd never mention it."
Yomi noticed Kagura staring.  "What?"

"That was you?" Kagura asked.

Heh.  A nice joke.  Although... I can't see Yomi calling
herself "Weepy" anything.  "Miss Diet Failure Girl"?

Quoted from the dub.  It was a pseudonym she used when writing in to a
radio show.  One of the vignettes showed Tomo learning about it when
she came over to hang out with/bother Yomi one night.

watching them, and Kaorin tried hanging off of
Sakaki's arm to get her to notice Kaorin only to be
almost dragged along.

IMO, too forward of Kaorin.  Walking alongside, 
blushingly, maybe, trying and failing to find something
to say.

And I need to do a better job of noting Kaorin's panic.  She needs
something to cling to - literally - and Sakaki has long been the rock
of her heart anyway.

over it.  Chiyo tugged on the mop, easily pulling it
free of shed and towel.  "Wow!  Osaka, when did you
get so thin?"

Again, my take is that Kagura would be feeling vastly
out of her depth here, and casting about for someone
else to take over.  I could see Yomi taking some of the
actions you ascribe to Kagura, however.

Hmm.  Would it seem in character for Kagura to ask herself what the
calmest-in-a-crisis person she knows - Yomi - would do?

The called girl whirled on Kaorin, simmering rage in
her eyes.  "I am trying to talk Kagura out of
traumatizing Chiyo.  If you interfere any more, I
will hurt you."  She raised one hand, readying a slap.

Here, of course, you're trying to make a point of the
pressure getting to Sakaki.  It probably SHOULD strike
the reader as OOC for Sakaki, whatever she does.

Definitely.  Even she would realize she's OOC after that - and does.

to deal with later, a feat of mental strength that
would later give her pause to reflect that even her
mind was too strong to be cute.

Heh.

Had to work in a joke about it.  ^_^

The moment her hands closed around Chiyo's torso,
Chiyo kicked back hard enough to knock the air out of
her lungs.

First reaction:  no way, this is Sakaki we're talking
about.  Second reaction:  but people's legs ARE that
much stronger than their arms.  That's why women are
taught to use their legs to fend off male attackers.
Third reaction:  but why is Chiyo kicking off violently,
when she's only jumping off the tower?

She's re-enacting the scene when she tried to grab Osaka, as described
immediately afterwards.  Unfortunately, Sakaki's hand is not positioned
to give her a boost.

Sakaki even talked Chiyo into having the two of them
chase Tomo and Osaka around in a mock dogfight.

Again, seems OOC for Sakaki.  If Chiyo suggested it,
however, I can see Sakaki agreeing.

Good point.  Will change.

Such thoughts meant she did not hear Osaka's request
of Tomo to climb up on the rail to get to the highest
point on the park.

(Cringe)  And you're paired just the two to do something
this dumb, too.  Osaka might indeed make such a request,
and Tomo certainly would climb up if asked.

Another point of inspiration: the scene in the anime where Osaka thinks
that if having lunch on the roof is good because it's a high place,
then climbing up on the railing might be better, only for Chiyo to grab
her skirt and keep her from trying it.

It took her a few moments to remember that Chiyo had
cut her hair short and started wearing more
adjustable clip-on pigtails, at Osaka's
suggestion.

!!!  Osaka certainly might suggest such a thing, but
why in the world would Chiyo agree?

Experimenting?  Or maybe Chiyo could be wearing slip-on/slip-off
ponytail covers that Osaka bought or made for her?

It just seems a good point to have the absurdity of Chiyo's ponytails
actually coming off, if that can be done believably.

Osaka seemed potentially unaware that she was
falling

"potentially" reads funny here.  "Possibly"?

Will change.

The sound of Chiyo's landing was muted by thunder
that almost sounded like a divine shout.

This bit read a little too anthropomorphic to me.  How
about the simpler "muted by a sudden thunderclap"?

Yeah.  I'd been trying to keep the "similar themes link end of
scene/start of next scene", and tried too hard here.  I suppose a yell
and thunder are close enough as it is.

It would be more work, clearly, to swap Yomi and Kagura
in the second half of the story.  And, to be honest,
I'm not at all sure the end result would be any better;
this is a spur-of-the-moment suggestion, based on
characterization observations, but it would generate its
own problems:  would Sakaki confront Yomi the same way?

That's the main problem, actually.  In a crisis, Sakaki might not
bother to argue with Yomi, but instead just brush her aside.  Kagura
can stand up to Sakaki on equal (enough) physical terms, though.

So, again - would it work to have Kagura try to think what Yomi would
do?

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