I pulled this version off the web site, since I don't have access to my
downloaded email from work. Let's see if I can keep up. :)

<The pond,> Ranma thought with bitter resignation as the
jarringly cold water enveloped him.  <I spend more time in this
stupid pond...>

One of these days I'm actually going to re-read through the original series and
count how many times this kind of scene appears. I doubt it's actually that
many.

"Hey old man!" the drenched and irate Ranma-chan shouted.

"Hey, old man!"

("Old man" is used to identify who is spoken to.)

"If your dreams are so vivid, Ranma, maybe you should be
practicing in your sleep!" the elder Saotome asserted with
a sneer.  "Maybe then you wouldn't be so sloppy in your
defense.  Why, I ought to..."

GENMA: A wise guy, eh? Why, I oughtta murdalize ya!

  The circuit breakers between his
brain and his mouth weren't the best, but they did actually
exist.

Okay, but....

Ranma-chan picked up a towel on the way back to bed.  It was
a warm summer night in Nerima, so at least getting dunked didn't
end up making her miserable.

Suggest you pick a pronoun scheme for Ranma in his female form and stick with
it. There are different opinions on whether "he" or "she" is appropriate, but
mixing them both is sure to cause confusion.

The Temple of Three is a place where the oldest of religions
is observed.  It is a secret place, known only to the women
who have been brought into its fold and taught its ancient
ways.  If there is a similar faith reserved for men, the women

Since you're writing in the past tense, it looks like it should be "was" rather
than "is" throughout this paragraph. Maybe this is one of those stylistic
choices, but all I can say is that the use of present tense makes it seem off
to me.

The assembly of women echoed the word.  "REIKOKU!"

"Oopsie," Happosai muttered to himself as he fled into the night.
"Those ladies sure can't take a joke..."

Good intro, though maybe a bit heavy with explanations. Might've been nice to
actually give us a glimpse of ol' Ray at the end so we know that he's a threat
who can't be dismissed easily. But I can understand not wanting to make
substantial revisions in this late a draft.

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