Christian Clark wrote:

Hues of Belligerence
Chapter 1

---

"Queen's Knight, f3." Belldandy said casually, taking the piece off the
board and placing it in front of the remaining black knight.

She waited patiently for her opponent to place the move.  Her king was
safe and her pieces were more numerous than her foe's.  In fact, if

drop 'In fact' it's not needed and cliche.

she played right, she could defeat her foe within three more moves.

She looked up to her opponent and found only a mirror.  The mirror itself
was not special, but the reflection was much different than

'much different than' is awkward. Reword

the image presented to it.  The Belldandy in the mirror was encased in
shadow, while the real one was shrouded in light.

The other difference was Belldandy's reflection had an unsettling glare
which would not falter.  After every move the reflection made on the dark
side side of the mirror, the reflection would resume glaring at her.

The reflection moved the king's bishop to an unassuming position.
However, Belldandy was wary of such a maneuver.  With a few of her pieces
protecting the king, it would be easy to defend and retaliate.

She moved the king out of the way and to

drop 'and'

She looked around to see herself in the darkness, while the reflection
grinned triumphantly towards her from the light.  She felt constricted,
like a set of chains was crushing her torso.

hmm. Singling out her torso there seems odd. Perhaps add something before.
felt some wrap around her chest' or something to make the torso thing work
better

-

Belldandy's eyes shot open.  Her face was lightly covered in perspiration
and her heart was beating twice as fast.  She looked up and realized that
she had been dozing off

seems like she did doze off. Recommend saying she had dozed off

while waiting for the rain to stop.  She never did that before, however.

drop however

The seals on the Obsidian Seal were all in place and secure.  In her years
of learning, her teacher had instructed her to never release that unless
it was completely necessary.  She had only done it once.  That was to
rescue Megumi from an infection a few months ago.  Since that time, the
Obsidian Seal was calm, but everyone once in a while, it would be
strained, to the point where she could feel physical pain.  Recently, it
was starting to act up more than usual.

Leaning against the wall of her room, Belldandy started to wonder what it
was exactly she had released.  It was a paradox that she couldn't
perfectly

don't think you need 'perfectly' here. Try to avoid unncessary adverbs. I'm
not saying don't use them, just keep them minimal, as usually the action
your describing can stand on its own and tell the reader the feeling you're
trying to evoke, like in this case.

"VIOLATOR!"

Eh? A Spawn xover?

Again, the searing heat returned and as she struggled with the pain, the
Seal shattered and its pieces fell to the floor.  She looked to the
remnants in complete horror, wondering how this was so as the pieces began
to melt into a viscous thick fluid at her feet.

She watched in horrid fascination as the liquid, seemingly with its own
will, raced to the other end of the dais.  The liquid gathered into a
puddle, roughly the diameter of a plate

what kind of plate? dinner plate? seems a bit open to interpetation to me

before calming down momentarily.

I'd drop momentarily. Either it's unnecessary or you're giving away
potential surprise when it acts up again.

Belldandy was about to step forward when a rumble threw her off balance
and

I think you need a comma between 'balance' and 'and'

she fell to the ground as a pillar around her size

'around her size' seems too ambiguous and sounds like even the writer
doesn't know how large it is. Recommend a better decriptor, even making it
the same size as her

 >sprouted from the ground.  She looked up to the pillar to see the liquid
that was once the Obsidian Seal thin out into a string and crawl into and
around the clay into

three 'into' way too close together.

 a pattern she was familiar with.  Those were the Seals of Abolition.

Soon enough, the

I'd drop 'Soon enough'

However, despite

can drop 'However'

 her care in silence, the cast came to life, threw its head back, and
screamed.  It was the same accusing wail that she heard before she had lost
consciousness.  It was a beautiful and horrifying song that created an
all-consuming dissonance wherever it went.  Try as she may, she could not
block out the sound as the cast was joined by a host of other voices to
create a terrifying choir.

The cast then bent over again, only this time, fingers dug into the ground
and dashed to the goddess.  Belldandy hardly had enough time to bring her
hands up to find her fingers locked with the casts.

cast's

Her hands didn't hurt much, but she found it hard to concentrate on a
defense when her eyes were locked with the beasts own.

The eyes were white.  They seemed hollow and devoid of intellect.  A wild
animal given her form.  Its icy cold breath creating small clouds of steam
in the room and its mouth slack with a deep throat based growl.

'created' and 'was slack' or 'went slack'

 She was in the middle of summoning Holy Bell when the cast screamed once
more and threw her into the wall on the other side of the large room.

She hit the wall with a sickening crack and left an indent

indentation or just left a dent

before she crumbled

'crumpled' the cast would have crumbled if it had been thrown into the wall

 to the floor. Despite the pain, she looked up to see the cast spasm
violently several times before it settled and then stood upright.

With fresh pain coursing through her, she shook her head to regain her
equilibrium.  Her head was pounding furiously

'pounded' not 'was pounding'

 as she staggered to her feet.  Using the wall for support, she noticed the
breathing of the cast slowing to something more human.  A tense stand-off
took place as Belldandy prepared Holy Bell for the upcoming confrontation,
despite the pain slowing the process.

When the cast opened her eyes, Belldandy gasped.  There were pupils now...
her pupils.  It was the reflection in her dream from earlier that day.
This was what she summoned when she released the Obsidian Seal?  It was
familiar.  It even had a name, but she couldn't find it in her memory.

The cast discerned her confusion and frowned.

"You've forgotten... haven't you?"

The voice was hers, but the inflection was much more dark and accompanied
by a harsh bite.

"Who... who are you?" Belldandy asked, scared of the answer.

"Who... am I?" the other Belldandy asked slowly, her anger started

either 'starting' or make it two sentences

Before Belldandy could say anything, cold steel emerged from the casts

cast's

 hands and clamped over her throat in attempt to squeeze the life out of
her. To her good fortune, Holy Bell had emerged and freed herself to sprint
away to give herself some much needed room.

Ugh. That was brief. I recommend describing Holy Bell's emergence and rescue
with a little more detail than that

The other Belldandy turned slowly to her and growled, "How dare you..."

Belldandy prepared a shield of gales to give her a much needed defense as
the metal version of herself charged once more.  To her shock, the clay
cast struck the ground, causing a spike to jut out of the ground and
shatter the shield she created.  She didn't have any time to recover when
the other dove through her non-existent perimeter.

However, she

drop this 'However' as well

Both Skuld and Keiichi gaped in confusion and shock at what they just
heard.

Keiichi spoke up in confusion.

you just mentioned his confusion. And in any case, we'll know he's confused
by the question he asks, so it's not needed here anyway

  "Wait a minute.  Violator?  What's that supposed to mean?"

Skuld frowned when recognition settled in.  "It means Belldandy's gone."
Without giving an explanation why, the youngest goddess stood up and
stomped out.

Huh. She actually took that quite well

Despite all I wrote, it seemed a good way to open things.

DB Sommer



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