[FFML] Re: The Eagle and the Dragon II (final draft)

--- hkmiller <hkmiller@theeddy.com> wrote:
From: hkmiller <hkmiller@theeddy.com>
Subject: [FFML] Re: The Eagle and the Dragon II (final draft)

Another short one to C&C.  Though my comments didn't turn out to be so 
short...

[GAH! So I see! I'll try to explain as best I can.]

Arthur Hansen wrote:

"Well, Kasumi didn't want us to be publicly around while the three of 'us'
are in the United States. Well, unless we have to."

Kasumi is only publicly here as Kasumi, it appears, because she's a part 
of the Emperor's bodyguard.  You don't give a reason why Rising Sun isn't bodyguarding the Emperor instead.
For that matter, why are Ranma and Akane 'publicly' there?

[Red Hawk and Retribution are trying to minimize linking Ranma-Akane with Kasumi/Rising Sun is all. Secret Identities are a pain.]

people flying overhead. Red Hawk carried Retribution into a seedier, more
commercial district. She suddenly dove down a smokestack that was hidden
among other ones.

What neighborhood is this in?  D.C. has never been a highly 
industrialized city; I don't remember any area with a lot of smokestacks.  Or is this another alterverse feature?

[I assume that Washington D.C. has *some* light industry or that the smoke-stacks are from service oriented companies.]

"Ah, ladies!" a younger man in a general's uniform said as he walked into
the lobby that would have been unremarkable on any military base.

A young man in a general's uniform?  Again, is this another conscious 
alterverse change, sloppy writing, or are you skipping informing us that General Winston has had an Ultra Enhancement, and is really the 40-50+ that a general should be in (mostly) peacetime?

[Insinuating that he is too young for his uniform, even though he isn't actually. I'll need to work on that.]

And "a lobby that would have been unremarkable on any military base" 
just means a badly painted, ugly, concrete one.

[Of course! ;) ]

"You forgot Sailor Moon and her band of half-wits," the redhead explained.

LOL!  I can just see Ranma saying that, too, if he's met them.

[Ranma isn't very happy with *anyone* having to save him! :) ]

"How is the plans to destroy the only threat to our design?" a dark haired
man asked as he entered a shadowy office.

Good grammar would be "How are the plans..."  If you're trying to make a 
point that this
speaker uses bad grammar, it's not coming through.

[Hmm. Tempest has resonable English. Adolph Hitler's is probably a bit off.]

"The Chinese and Russians are forcing the United States into reneging on
their promise to protect Japan. Once that happens, the United States will
lose public support and show themselves as the weak cowards they are. World
War III will really start when Japan is fully subjected for 'Humanity's'
safety." Mad, dark eyes gleamed in triumph.

"And it's all going to come apart if you don't stop the Japanese Emperor

>from following through with his mad plan with President Lee's help. Well

anyways, I'm off." And with that, he left the office as quickly as he
entered.

The shorter man just stared in shock. How did he do that? How did he have
such an uncanny ability to predict what the enemies of the Lancelot League
would do?

Two bad guys, neither named, is just irritating.  And if the point of 
this scene is the prediction, suggest getting to it more quickly. 

I get the impression here that you the author are much more interested 
in the politics of your alterverse world than you are in your characters.  This is not good, since very few readers will share this interest.

[I'm trying to emulate the "shadowy and mysterious" enemies that aren't revealed directly until a confrontation. Standard comic book genre stuff. Hmm. Tempest (time traveling villain from Lois and Clark) and Adolph Hitler (part of the Lancelot League) should be interesting enough, I think.]

Second paragraph above reads awkwardly.  Suggest dropping "with 
President Lee's help" or rephrasing entirely.

[Okay, I'll try to do that.]

"More is going on here than it being said. Even I could see that. Read the
news paper, princess."

(SP) "More is going on here than is being said."  And "newspaper" is one 
word.

[I think Open Office 2.0 beta is being funky with some spellings.]

"You know I'm just an intern, Miss Tendo."

"Yes, but you are the only official representative here of his government.
And this is a delicate matter," Kasumi countered.

This is so implausible for any universe even remotely related to our own 
that I don't even know how to read this.  If Kasumi has another motive here, suggest you inform us.

[Veneer of legitimacy. The Akihito is attempting to do an end-run around the Prime Minister and the government. In this scenario he is supposed to have a great deal of respect and clout, but no *real* authority at this point.]

"Kasumi, I was sent here because I'm not exactly liked by my office!" she
tried to protest.

"In that case, you may need to rethink your loyalties then," Kasumi said
softly. "We live in dangerous times and must take decisive action to save
all of our people."

"Rethink your loyalties"?  WTF?  That's a reply to Usagi whining about 
being exiled by her office?

Hmm... if this is supposed to be Kasumi trying to talk Usagi into 
quitting the PM's office and joining the Emperor's entourage, I still don't get it:  Kasumi just said that she needs or wants a representative of the PM's office in this meeting.  Again, though, if Kasumi is trying to recruit Usagi because she knows or suspects Usagi's identity, suggest 
you make this clearer.

[I must have messed it up. Usagi is part of the Prime Minister's office and political party (whatever that is. Japanese politics is a little vague to me. The PM is about to sell out the Japanese to "appease" the New Warsaw Pact countries (Russia, China and NK.)]

[Kasumi is basically trying to steal Usagi and use her to make the average Japanese citizen think that the PM is in on the upcoming plan.]

frustration. What was a time-lost princess supposed to do in this age of
democracy and republicism, any ways?

"Republicanism" I think you mean; "republicism" isn't a word.  And how 
about "anyway" instead of "any ways"?

[Thanks! That one I wasn't sure of. I knew what I wanted, but could find it exactly.]

"We are facing a crisis that our peoples have never dreamed of before,"
Emperor Akihito said as soon as Usagi and Kasumi sat down. "President Lee,
Senator Schwarzenegger; I have sources within my government that believe
that we will probably capitulate to the New Warsaw members and hand over one
half of our Ultra Enhancement facilities by the end of January."

A Japanese Emperor should not be given to typical American lack of 
historical context. Extra-territorical demands by external aggressors IS a crisis that the Japanese have seen before, in the 19th century.  And Japan MADE such demands, of the Chinese, in the 20th.

[I'm not understanding your issue with this. The Emperor is just making sure everyone is on the same page and thinking the same way.]

"This is not good at all," the aging president replied. "The United States
will have to be seen to respond to this or construed as weakening in our
protection of all of our allies. This could lead to attacks all over the
world."

If the Japanese decide to capitulate on their own, why must the U.S. be
seen to respond? OTOH, if America contributed the U-E facilities, and they're still secret in 2017, concern is certainly warranted, but should be expressed somewhat differently. "The United State
cannot have that technology fall into the hands of the New Warsaw Pact.
If your government does capitulate, we will have to take action, to destroy those sites if necessary."

[It's kind of the "Red Scare" all over again. The US has released the information on how to make the enhancement centers, but these enhancement centers are hugely expensive. They are so big that the US had to cut their military budget in half. During a crisi period of history.]

[And the "commies" are trying to demand 1/2 of a major ally on threat of force. This is akin to the Cuba missile crisis, except that it isn't the US being directly threatened.]

More generally: I'm not sure whether to read your president as a
Hollywood-movie good guy or a real-world president, so I don't quite know how I'm supposed to respond to this. If we're supposed to see this guy as, say, President <real fill-in-the-blank>, suggest "My party can't afford to look weak right now, with the mid-term elections coming up. We'll have to be seen to be standing up for legitimate American interests all over the world."

If, on the other hand, we're supposed to see this guy as "Mr. Smith Goes
to Washington", suggest he (as a minimum) express a bit of cynicism at the idea that "attacks all over the world" matter to the U.S.: "Dammit all. If even one Earth First attack on a Rapacious Mining site in East Slobonesia succeeds, the corporate lobbyists will be all over me. I
hate like hell spending taxpayer dollars protecting these guys when
their mines are so wildly profitable. But a well-orchestrated P.R. campaign will force us into it."

It comes down to characterization, I think: what does your President
Lee want, and who is he? Right? Left? Populist? Libertarian? Millenialist? Corrupt? Just let him express his real self a bit more here.

And here you have a President and an Emperor making decisions on their
own here, without a horde of handlers keeping them abreast of what's what. In fact, without even a horde of handlers just outside the room, panicking at not being in the room. The last even remotely comparable real-world scene I can think of was Reagan-Gorbachev, which didn't have a Senator present, and most definitely DID have a horde of handlers in the next room panicking that Reagan wouldn't stick with the program (if said handler was a neocon) or would just give away the farm altogether (if any other variety).

[President Bruce Lee hasn't been fully fleshed out, but he's basically getting to be Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis. This is more of being set up as a back room wheel and dealing to sell the idea to the President (and Schwarzzineger, who is a big mover and shaker in that time frame.]

Usagi suddenly licked her lips nervously. This did not sound at all like a
'State Visit' that she had been told about.

Suggest "the 'State Visit'

[??? I'm not sure this needed changing.]

The wind of fate was blowing
coldly. Her voice of the past was speaking to her, telling her of the dire
changes in the making of this room.

Abrupt change of tone inside a paragraph.  Again, I don't quite know how to read these two sentences.  Suggest you dispense with the first 
altogether.  If "voice of the past" is to be taken literally, suggest you give us some of this voice's speech. If not, suggest you rewrite, something more like "A chill went down her spine as she realized,
with inexplicable intuition, that this room, at this time, was a crucial 
nexus for future events."

[This is an allusion to Princess's Serenity's past memories "speaking" to her without words.]

Action must be taken to draw our people's together. Our leadership has lost

Suggest "our two peoples"  [you're using the possessive, which is wrong]

[Oops.]

sight of their purpose in defending our land. And they still resent that you
defeated us after the last, great war."

Let's see... in 2017, "our leadership" still resents the U.S. for 
winning WWII... enough to capitulate to the Chinese instead?  Which party does "our leadership" consist of?  

In the Japan we know, rightists might still have some resentment for the U.S., but the same people would feel greater racist dislike of China and North Korea.  Leftists might resent the U.S. as well, but for completely
different reasons.

For your story, the point is that I, one of your readers, am losing my 
suspension of disbelief because of your politics.

[They aren't really liking the either side. I'm trying to portray that the PM's party/group is weakening to capitulating to the Warsaw members. This could have been avoided (possibly) by better United State's policy to Japan, but they are running scared. WWIII is on the Japanese doorstep and the US may be just stretched too far.]

President Lee stood up and walked to the windows. "We can not force your
government in this matter. If they give 'up' those facilities, we will not
be able to directly intervene.


Why can't Lee just order the facilities bombed in these circumstance?  
After a public warning that the U.S. will do so in such circumstances, of course.

[They're Japanese facilities, technically. They were "sold" to an ally for good will and under certain aggreements. Technically, Japan could do whatever they want to with them, but these things have the potential to extend a humans life to 250 years and grant minor super powers (tougher/faster, etc.) Only the super-rich countries can afford these, and only the *REALLY* rich can afford more than a few of them.]

"I have a proposal for Japan to join the United States." The emperor seemed
to wilt back into his seat.

"I... am a bit confused. What do you mean exactly?" Senator Schwarzenegger
asked in total shock.

"That Japan be brought into your union of states, so that we might not be
forsaken in our darkest hour."

"You want Japan to become part of the United States of America?" he asked
incredulously.

"Exactly. We have enjoyed increased goodwill for many years. The United
States has treated us fairly in this new century. This is the only way I can
see both of our people surviving this new, dark age."

Your Senator and President are expending all their shock at the idea 
itself.  To me, they should be shocked, all right, but at the idea that the Emperor believes he has enough political clout to pull off
such a radical change.

[That's there too. It's an overall generally shocking situation.]

"The infidels do protect their Emperor! It is as we were told!" the bomber
said. He started laughing maniacally.

Since it isn't even worth comment that Japanese are protecting the 
Emperor, the bomber must think Ranma to be American.  However, "The Americans do protect their Emperor" implies that the Emperor is American.  Suggest you rephrase, after making sure you know what the guy wants to say.

[Wow did I screw that up. It'll be fixed.]


"Evacuated by the Ultra Service," Kasumi said, even as she checked her hand
gun with .50 caliber depleted uranium rounds. The Desert Eagle had become
the choice of weapons for body guards. "We need to get the emperor to the
safe room and then off the premises!"

...and the Ultra Service left the Emperor behind because...?  And Kasumi 
has a handgun because...? (And, if it's a disguise, why is she bothering to check it?)

[Kasumi is technically a "liason" to the Emperor in the government. She's actually part of the JSDF, but "visibly" works as an attache to Akihito. She's also the bodyguard for the Emperor and the PM (but the PM thinks she is "too American" so semi-exiled her to the Emperor. Super-heroes get to wear a lot of hats.]

he gunned down an aid to Senator Schwarzenegger.

"aide"

[Thought I had that spelled that way. Hmm.]

Without thinking, Kasumi and Retribution had interposed themselves between
the gunmen and their emperor, bullets bouncing harmlessly off of them.

So why is Kasumi here in civvies again?  Posing as a bodyguard?  A bad 
plan:  if ANYTHING happens, the likelihood is that Kasumi will have to go into action  sufficient to show who she is.

[She's there "publicly" as Kasumi Tendo, government liason to the emperor. According to all the information they had *nothing* was going to be happening.]

"Retribution, is it? Kill that woman for us!" said a bigger man as he held
up a pendant that glowed with ominous light.

You know, some background some time about "pendants that glow..." might 
be useful.  Having perused your timeline, I can fill in the blanks to some extent, but any readers coming to this cold are just going to be lost here.

[I would think that people would be catching that the "magic items" being used by badguys is in effect here, from the conversation between Red Hawk, Retribution and General Winston in the part at the begining." I must not be communicating that well.]

"Rising Sun? But you are supposed to be hideous!"

Again, your readers have to fill in the blanks here.  I suppose this is 
a press hypothesis about why R.S. wears the full-mask helmet?

[Correct. It's from a different story from Howard Melton. This is a shared universe that I'm writing in.]

Kasumi blew out her hastily sucked breath to knock over the assassins. Where
had the flames gone? She could have sworn she saw a flash of light, but now

Second time through, I find I'm wondering about Usagi's presence here.  
If she's intervened this way at several previous such occasions, Kasumi may have noticed that her presence is a common factor and have arranged for her to be here.  Or, Kasumi might know Usagi is Sailor Moon,
since Kasumi would know if anyone in the Japanese government did, and 
(in canon) it would be easy enough for the government to find out if it cared to (and even easier for Kasumi to on her own).

But if there's anything to this, Kasumi shouldn't be quite so baffled 
here.  Which leaves it as a simple coincidence that Usagi is here.  Too many coincidences will tend to annoy your readers;
suggest you make it clear that this is NOT a coincidence, even if Kasumi 
knows nothing:  Usagi's alternate personality has arranged things.

[Usagi being there is actually just a big coincidence. Superheroics (and the Sailormoon genre is *FULL* of coincidences.]

nothing. Her resolve turned grim as she blurred into super speed and knocked
unconscious the remaining thugs. She took a breath or two to calm herself
down as she checked out the area. Luckily, the emperor was only stunned from
the whole affair. She was reaching down to help him back to his feet when
she heard a 'click'.

Reacting instantly, eyes glowing in preparation to blast anything with heat
vision, she turned right into the cameras just as they flashed.

WTF?  How did the press get there THAT fast?  Presumably a police cordon 
held them outside the building until the all-clear was given?  Ah... the press itself must be Ultra-Enhanced by this time!  Not the best way to slip your readers that information, though.

[Nope. The assassins were planning on having the press show up right after the Emperor got waxed for maximum bad press. There is a reason behind my madness.]

"How could it fail?" the short man in the darkened office. "We took
everything into account!"

"Idiot! What about Moon Dictator from the histories you know about! The
readings are clear! She is behind this and every other major failure of
intelligence! It's obvious that she is orchestrating this whole thing to
take control of the Kryptonian Enhancement Process!" the other man responded
in anger. "Now they have captured four of your people that you can't let
talk at all! She is protected from my sight!"

More awkward phrasing. More unnamed, evil speakers.

I get very mixed feelings about these, like there's something pretty
good at the core of these, buried somewhere under here. Some general suggestions which may help
realize that potential:

1) Write more; don't skip so much. I think this chapter should have
been twice as long as it was. What are your protagonists thinking? What do their surroundings look like? Why should we care about what happens to them?

2) The most interesting idea in these, the one that really interests me,
at any rate, is giving Kasumi 70% of Superman's power. But you don't dwell on her character enough, IMO. Who is she now? What does she want now? In this story, she must be around 36 and still unmarried, I presume; what does she think about that?
(She may look like she's in her twenties, but in Japan it would be easy
for any potential suitor to check, and she knows that.)
Is she attracted to any of the American secret-service agents who
trained under Soun, and match her power? If not, why not?

3) The last vignette posted here at FFML was set in 2001, this is set in
2017. You're jumping around, writing short stories to illustrate significant events in your timeline. Your potential readership will care MUCH more if you tell a simple, coherent, longer story set at a single point on your timeline.

4) The alterverse politics irritates me, because I don't know where all
the changes from baseline politics occur. You had a President Elvis, but I don't know how that came about.
You have international relations in general somewhat different than they
are in the real world, but I don't feel I understand what happened differently to make them so.
Granted, I did peruse the timeline behind this story once, and there are
a LOT of alternative things going on in the past. Too many, actually; I have trouble seeing how your world can be as superficially-similar to ours as it seems.

[Side note: To me, that timeline represents WAY too much work for the
amount of story you and your cohorts have told so far. Some of it is bound to change, will NEED to change, once you generate more stories.]

[***Oops. He used my non-quoting method there. This is a peice that just kind of cropped up. I'm trying to write (as best as I can) the very intense polical scene in the vien of the Cuban Missile Crisis and superhuman enhancements. It's being a little rocky, but I think this is a very interesting point of history that can be explored.***]

{***I'm currently working on two (or three-ish) stories in parallel. It's just the way my brain is working on this. I'll write some tidbit in the future and it suddenly becomes something that I'll hit upon in the past in greater detail.***]

[***Arthur Hansen***]