--- hkmiller <hkmiller@theeddy.com> wrote:
[GAH! So I see! I'll try to explain as best I can.]
The point of my comments is not, of course, that I personally need
explanations (I may or may not want them); the point is (hopefully) to suggest ways to improve your story, for a larger number of possible readers. And, of course, everything I write is my opinion only; take it
or leave it as you see fit.
Since my initial response, I went back and read Part I of this, which
does fill in a bit of the background.
**Okay. My browser mail really doesn't like the formatting your mail does, BTW.***
Arthur Hansen wrote:
"Well, Kasumi didn't want us to be publicly around while the three of 'us'
are in the United States. Well, unless we have to."
Kasumi is only publicly here as Kasumi, it appears, because she's a part
of the Emperor's bodyguard. You don't give a reason why Rising Sun isn't bodyguarding the Emperor instead.
For that matter, why are Ranma and Akane 'publicly' there?
[Red Hawk and Retribution are trying to minimize linking Ranma-Akane with Kasumi/Rising Sun is all. Secret Identities are a pain.]
This seems to make sense, after re-reading part I, but could stand a bit
more amplification somewhere. Ranma and Akane came along as themselves because they hoodwinked their parents into a vacation, and Kasumi facilitated it "just in case"; Kasumi is publicly in D.C.
in both her guises.
**Correct. Kasumi (liason to the Emperor) and Rising Sun are "both" there, but Rising Sun is not a visible asset at all points (too easy to learn the bodyguards schedule, plan around it. Secret ID actually has relevence here! Or it had!**
[I assume that Washington D.C. has *some* light industry or that the smoke-stacks are from service oriented companies.]
Washington D.C. has been "just government" for pretty much its entire
history. Today, there are a LOT of service-oriented companies in the suburbs, feeding off the trough, but they mostly occupy office buildings. I think you have to kill the multiplicity of smokestacks, unfortunately. What about an over-large ventilation duct on the roof of a nondescript office building?
The larger point, for your future writing, is that SOMEONE in your
audience knows more than you do about every factual matter your stories touch upon, unless you do research (and, even then, a few readers still will).
***Always a problem. Comes from living out in the West (but not on the West Coast. Only been to Washington D.C. like twice. For about an hour each time.***
[Hmm. Tempest has resonable English. Adolph Hitler's is probably a bit off.]
Strongly suggest you give us more hints in your story as to who this
is. Might want to describe Hitler's moustache, for instance.
***No mustache, as that is/was too distinctive, but I've named them in the revision I've got going.***
[I'm trying to emulate the "shadowy and mysterious" enemies that aren't revealed directly until a confrontation. Standard comic book genre stuff. Hmm. Tempest (time traveling villain from Lois and Clark) and Adolph Hitler (part of the Lancelot League) should be interesting enough, I think.]
Now that I know who they are, yes. I don't think "shadowy and
mysterious" enemies, a la comic books, quite works unless the reader has a fair chance to guess who they are. True, not all comics do it that way, but IMO when they don't, there's a single villain who is just
ranting about his defeat; identity is unimportant. Here, on the other
hand, you have significant-sounding interaction between the two villains, but it was meaningless to me without more clue as to who they were.
***Noted***
[Veneer of legitimacy. The Akihito is attempting to do an end-run around the Prime Minister and the government. In this scenario he is supposed to have a great deal of respect and clout, but no *real* authority at this point.]
So Kasumi, in her aide role rather than her bodyguard role, has arranged
for Usagi to be here as part of a devious political plan? This seems much more plausible, but I really, really think you ought to be explaining this to us somewhere. You might, for instance, add a scene on the plane to the U.S. where Kasumi goes over this plan with the Emperor.
***That assumes that Kasumi has actually informed the Emperor about this. She's trying to appeal to Usagi's 'good nature' and get her to do the right thing. Luckily, Usagi actually *is* a visionary dreamer of good nature.***
[I must have messed it up. Usagi is part of the Prime Minister's office and political party (whatever that is. Japanese politics is a little vague to me. The PM is about to sell out the Japanese to "appease" the New Warsaw Pact countries (Russia, China and NK.)]
[Kasumi is basically trying to steal Usagi and use her to make the average Japanese citizen think that the PM is in on the upcoming plan.]
Well, the specific exchange between Kasumi and Usagi doesn't reflect
this. what does this have to do with rethinking her loyalties?
***Usagi is nominally loyal to her PM and party (but is having doubts now.) They are getting her big break into politics.***
In general, as I said above, Kasumi's plan seems reasonable (and
devious). Suggest Kasumi arranges for Japanese TV newscrew to interview Usagi prior to the meeting with the President, though, and timed so that a full news cycle intervenes before Usagi can screechingly claim, post-meeting, that she'd been tricked. (Kasumi has to assume that Usagi
might do this.) Kasumi might even offer to write Usagi a little speech for the news conference prior. The point would be to make SURE that the Japanese public thinks the P.M.'s office is involved here.
***Sneaky and conniving, I like it. But she has to sway Usagi to it now.***
[I'm not understanding your issue with this. The Emperor is just making sure everyone is on the same page and thinking the same way.]
"...that our peoples have never dreamed of before" is hyperbole, and
strikes me as the kind of hyperbole that only Americans indulge in, not Japanese Emperors.
Suggest something like "The bonds between our two peoples are facing a strain such as they have not seen in seventy years." or something like that.
***Well, the Emperor may have written this little speech just for Lee.***
If the Japanese decide to capitulate on their own, why must the U.S. be
seen to respond? OTOH, if America contributed the U-E facilities, and they're still secret in 2017, concern is certainly warranted, but should be expressed somewhat differently. "The United State
cannot have that technology fall into the hands of the New Warsaw Pact.
***While not "military secrets" anymore, half a dozen enhancement centers is the nucleous of a formidible enhanced army. Giving China and Russia the ability to enhance most of their military to "match" the US's without the costs/drain on their infrastructure is bad news. Especially since the US has not matched the Chinese and Russian mecha advances.***
If your government does capitulate, we will have to take action, to destroy those sites if necessary."
[It's kind of the "Red Scare" all over again. The US has released the information on how to make the enhancement centers, but these enhancement centers are hugely expensive. They are so big that the US had to cut their military budget in half. During a crisi period of history.]
[And the "commies" are trying to demand 1/2 of a major ally on threat of force. This is akin to the Cuba missile crisis, except that it isn't the US being directly threatened.]
A comparison to the Cuban missile crisis didn't occur to me at all.
Let's see... if the US has released the info, then military secrets aren't the issue at all, as I assumed.
***Just because it isn't a military secret doesn't mean that it can't be used as a military asset.***
Suggest one of your speakers mention that the info is public, then.
So the issue is "only" territorial blackmail? Okay, but again, IMO this
should be clearer. The U.S. should be concerned, certainly, about a long-time ally being subjected to this; but, if I read your overall situation correctly, uncertain about what measures to take in response, since many possible measures might very well make things worse. Suggest you have President Lee or Senator Arnold sum up before the Emperor jumps into his spiel. Also might want to have somebody offer an observation about the general state of Japanese public opinion and how it might
be altered if necessary.
***Something that would make it more clear is that Russia, China and the NK want to occupy all of the enhancement centers for "inspections" and to control the situation. The only thing even making the Japanese consider captitulating is that the US has several fires all over the world that they are dealing with (Isreali and the Middle East) and that all three of those countries are chomping at the bit to swallow Japan.***
[President Bruce Lee hasn't been fully fleshed out, but he's basically getting to be Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis. This is more of being set up as a back room wheel and dealing to sell the idea to the President (and Schwarzzineger, who is a big mover and shaker in that time frame.]
More alterverse: Bruce Lee wasn't born in the U.S., and couldn't, under
the current constitution, ever become president. But skip that. I can see a Senate Majority Leader of the same party as the President sitting in on this meeting; although we haven't had one in recent decades, there have been times when the Senate Majority Leader could indeed speak for all of Congress (Lyndon Johnson, for instance).
***Someone mentioned that he had dual-citizenship, so we went with that. It's a thematic thing, like Elvis Presley being president because of Tempet's time manipulations.***
And there would be a LOT of resistance in Congress to taking in 120
million new Americans whose English is bad to non-existant. While Japan certainly could, in principle be added to the U.S. as one or more new states, Congress would need to do SOMETHING.
***Correct! Boy, that would totally kill any "English speaking requirements only" movements, wouldn't it?***
Thinking through relevant precedents: there is, first, the acquisition
of the territory: buying the Louisiana Purchase, the Gadsden Purchase, or Alaska; or simple conquest, and then, second, there is the admission
of parts of the territory as states. Texas and California seem like the
closest precedents; in both cases, the U.S. admitted previously-independent nations, ten years in the case of Texas and I think one year in California's case. Congressional acts were required in both cases.
***Hence the need for Arnold, of course.***
Let's see... in 2017, "our leadership" still resents the U.S. for
winning WWII... enough to capitulate to the Chinese instead? Which party does "our leadership" consist of?
In the Japan we know, rightists might still have some resentment for the U.S., but the same people would feel greater racist dislike of China and North Korea. Leftists might resent the U.S. as well, but for completely
different reasons.
For your story, the point is that I, one of your readers, am losing my
suspension of disbelief because of your politics.
[They aren't really liking the either side. I'm trying to portray that the PM's party/group is weakening to capitulating to the Warsaw members. This could have been avoided (possibly) by better United State's policy to Japan, but they are running scared. WWIII is on the Japanese doorstep and the US may be just stretched too far.]
"Better U.S. policy towards Japan"? In the real world, it's been pretty
darn good, aside from the occasional flare-up over our Okinawan bases, occasional U.S. soldiers misbehaving, etc.. You might want to have had
another of these occur quite recently in your story's timeframe, say
2016 or "last year", one that got a lot of negative press in Japan: maybe an ultra-enhanced U.S. soldier going on a rampage and killing and/or raping a few people before being taken down?
***Hmm. Not a bad idea. I'll see if I can fit that in there. Maybe not a rampage, but something like that.***
Quickie background: The LDP, or Liberal Democratic Pary, has led most
governments in Japan since WWII.
The LDP is generally pro-U.S., but has lots of factions, some very
rightist. Most alternative parties since WWII have been to the left of the LDP. Two alternatives: power is held by a right-wing faction
of the LDP, which is gripped by a new "pan-Asiatic" fever, and believes
that Japan will in short order come to lead the Warsaw group (they'd have to believe that China leads it now, dominating Russia).
Or: power is held by a left-wing party, which took power in the wake of
anti-U.S. fever from the incident I mentioned above. These people would be Neville Chamberlains: nobody really wants to bother the innocuous Japanese, so China/NK/Russia can be placated and everybody will be
happy. You might even have your bad guys orchestrating an alliance of
convenience between two such groups.
***A bit too deep for me, but I'll try to mesh that information about parties into this somehow.***
If the US may be "stretched too far", than the President and Senator are
going to have tough going in persuading Congress to go along with letting Japan in. Not that this couldn't be overcome, of course,
it's just tough. Many Congressmen don't like the U.S. making open-ended
defense commitments overseas (others, of course, love it). I'm thinking in particular of the resistance to expanding NATO to include the Baltics, three small nations almost indefensible against
Russia, and which don't really bring anything to NATO which NATO needs. Yes, offering to commit to their defense is a noble thing to do, but is it a sensible thing to do?
***It's a time of East versus West again. Warmongers in the US are advocating war just for even the mention of walking into Japan. Not a lot of support, but it's pretty tense.***
...and the Ultra Service left the Emperor behind because...? And Kasumi
has a handgun because...? (And, if it's a disguise, why is she bothering to check it?)
[Kasumi is technically a "liason" to the Emperor in the government. She's actually part of the JSDF, but "visibly" works as an attache to Akihito. She's also the bodyguard for the Emperor and the PM (but the PM thinks she is "too American" so semi-exiled her to the Emperor. Super-heroes get to wear a lot of hats.]
***Forgot to mention that she can muddle through as a "impromptu bodyguard" with a big gun without having to switch identities. And if it really goes south on her, she has already committed to abandoing her secret identity to save the Emperor's life.***
Without thinking, Kasumi and Retribution had interposed themselves between
the gunmen and their emperor, bullets bouncing harmlessly off of them.
So why is Kasumi here in civvies again? Posing as a bodyguard? A bad
plan: if ANYTHING happens, the likelihood is that Kasumi will have to go into action sufficient to show who she is.
[She's there "publicly" as Kasumi Tendo, government liason to the emperor. According to all the information they had *nothing* was going to be happening.]
And why is a government liaison carrying, and checking, a Desert Eagle?
***Plausibly deniable that a moderately enhanced civilian with a permit (friends in high places) might just "happen" to save the day.***
Otherwise, though, it seems to make sense now, after I reread Part I.
You know, some background some time about "pendants that glow..." might
be useful. Having perused your timeline, I can fill in the blanks to some extent, but any readers coming to this cold are just going to be lost here.
[I would think that people would be catching that the "magic items" being used by badguys is in effect here, from the conversation between Red Hawk, Retribution and General Winston in the part at the begining." I must not be communicating that well.]
I think that conversation was in Part I. Still, wouldn't hurt to have
Kasumi's eyes widen as she thinks "Magic!" to herself here.
***Not a bad idea, but the magic part is at the begining of this fic. I've more specifically stated that there are magical items (and I'll do it again.)***
Again, your readers have to fill in the blanks here. I suppose this is
a press hypothesis about why R.S. wears the full-mask helmet?
[Correct. It's from a different story from Howard Melton. This is a shared universe that I'm writing in.]
URL? I don't believe I've read that one.
***All Superman Unbound fics are being saved here. http://www.geocities.com/supermanunbound/index.html ***
*** Specifically "Watching a Rising Star" http://www.geocities.com/supermanunbound/NEW/watchingARisingStar.htm ***
[Usagi being there is actually just a big coincidence. Superheroics (and the Sailormoon genre is *FULL* of coincidences.]
That doesn't mean YOU have to follow suit. But, okay; so how about, in
the next chapter, showing Kasumi growing suspicious of Usagi?
***That's very reasonable and expected.***
[Nope. The assassins were planning on having the press show up right after the Emperor got waxed for maximum bad press. There is a reason behind my madness.]
Well, that's a good plan on the assassins' part, but I'd mention,
somewhere, Kasumi looking into its execution. Something like that doesn't happen just because the assassins want it to; it takes
arranging to get a lot of newsmen past a police cordon.
***It does. And it was going to be something that Kasumi is going to look into, but she's going to be a bit distracted too. Blowing your secret identity on live coverage is nerve-wracking.***
[***Oops. He used my non-quoting method there. This is a peice that just kind of cropped up. I'm trying to write (as best as I can) the very intense polical scene in the vien of the Cuban Missile Crisis and superhuman enhancements. It's being a little rocky, but I think this is a very interesting point of history that can be explored.***]
I don't think you've yet gotten to anything quite like the Cuban Missile
Crisis.
Wouldn't that be the (presumably forthcoming) attempt by the Warsaw Three to threaten to destroy Japan if the U.S. accepts it? And President Lee calls their bluff?
Or am I misunderstanding the similarity you're driving at?
***Well, both situations could potentially cause WWIII, which is MAD all over again. That's what I'm aiming at, anyways.***
{***I'm currently working on two (or three-ish) stories in parallel. It's just the way my brain is working on this. I'll write some tidbit in the future and it suddenly becomes something that I'll hit upon in the past in greater detail.***]
Your decision, but you do need to be aware that your FFML audience will
find it somewhat confusing unless they're following it closely. In other words, you're not going to be all that successful in attracting a new audience.
But: you might want to put URLs for all previous chapters and stories
on each post, to help possibly-interested readers get up to speed.
***Great idea!***
***Arthur Hansen***
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