~Free time, free time, wheee...~
On Wed, 02 Mar 2005 16:24:59 -0600, hmelton@daviscomp.com <hmelton@daviscomp.com> wrote:
C&C welcome
Copyrights no infringement or profit is intended
Mmmkay. The only series I'm familiar with here is Sailor Moon, so I hope could at least be of help in that department. I'm only wondering why this is so short when it has such a long title, but I digress. ^^; In any case, let's get things started.
Had anyone been watching they would have been struck by a feeling of
impatience. Henshin rods are not self aware. It was not capable of
processing the memories copied from it's masters,
its masters,
but it was well
over 20,000 years old and floating silently waiting for the
inauguration of the next Senshi went against it's core design. Not
to mention nearly 3000 years of programming. It's complex network of
esper interface circuits were not digital circuits, it understood
values far more than all or nothing. Only a tiny number of
There's an extra space there in between 'number' and 'of'.
"Get that sensor array on line! Move it! Move it! I don't care
what our fleet is doing shed the loads.
Dunno what you're trying to say here, but suggest: what our fleet is doing, shed the loads.
Dark hair flying wild the little man continued screaming orders even
as his hands flew over controls pressing buttons and carefully
positioning gemstone quality crystals the size of his head. Altering
the configuration of the strange machine around him.
'Altering the configuration of the strange machine around him' is a fragment, not a sentence. Revise.
Adolf abruptly grew silent his face taking on a frown of
concentration,
Suggest: Adolf abruptly grew silent as his face took on a frown of concentration,
Or: Adolf abruptly grew silent, his face taking on a frown of concentration,
After a fews
few
seconds staring into insanity,
seconds of staring into insanity,
he started lowering his
personal artifact into what some would described as an rip in
reality. The small Crystal skull's descent stopped, its slight sway
Suddenly frozen.
suddenly frozen.
The golden chain attached to the top going slack as
the crystal seemed to wedge in nothing. Part of the skull seemed to
twist and vanishing, going nowhere. His eyes glazing, Adolf's face
took on a half crazed look of intense concentration, his tiny
mustachio twitching. A look not seen in thirty years.
Suggest: It was a look not seen in thirty years.
The next sentence is also a fragment, but you can keep it for style's sake. I suggest not making the former sentence as a fragment so that it... flows better.
Using a sixth sense, boosted and focused by his artifact,
Suggest: Using a sixth sense that the artifact boosted and focused,
Adolf
mentally reached into what he quickly determined was an electrical
substation near Chicago and began his search. That the point of
congruence had formed in such a place was not a surprise, it was an
inherit trait
inherent
for a unfocused teleport to link to such. Ignoring the
for an unfocused teleport to link to such.
substation that surrounded his awareness, he reached out. Looking,
feeling and searching for what had once been and would be again the
League's Henshin rod.
(hopelessly lost on the plot, sighs at the misfortune of having to start in the middle of a fic yet again) And on the rare occasion that it's not a middle-of-a-series-fic, the first chapter either really sucks, or is about an anime I haven't even heard or watched. I might as well cut, edit and paste the "Sorry, I only read _________ and am only familiar with _______, forgive my ignorance. I hope you can make use of my comments anyway," shit.
Oh, don't mind me. Just a C&Cer ranting about stuff... nothing to see here.
Thirty seconds later, he snarled in frustration. It wasn't a
surprise,
Suggest: It wasn't surprising,
but he had hoped to find them the first try.
but he had hoped to find them on the first try.
The thieves
had activated the stealth mode for the linking and the rod was
fuzzing it's location,
First off, fuzzing is not a word. Second, it's "its location".
His awareness firmly back in his body, Adolf smiled and performed an
act that was to be repeated eight more times that night and released
roughly 1,300,000 joules of energy in the form of a spark that
grounded though the substation.
Genma: (thinks) Did he spank that naughty monkey?
Ranma: You just traumatized me for life by saying those six words, old man.
Adolf would consider, in the coming
weeks, the reports on the destruction and death caused by those eight
widely spaced substations as an incomplete down payment on what was
to come. America and American's
Americans
had hindered him far to many times
too many times
and it was high time they pay for denying him the world.
By stealing a Henshin rod and doing weird magical ceremonies?
Ranma: Sounds like a lemon.
Akane: Hentai. What makes you think that.
Yeah, well you'll get to think that way too after C&Cing two lemons and one fic full of sexual innuendo. (whistles innocently)
Zatanna stiffened,
Ranma: See? What's the first thing in your mind? Ne? Ne?
Akane: Baka.
coming out of a deep sleep at the sounds of
frantic car horns and a loud crash. Not yet fully awake, the groggy
fifteen year old fumbled at the lamp next to her bed.
My mental picture of Zatanna was that of Mandrake or Adam Warlock.
....
Fanboyism wins!
"Come on light! Stupid lamp, I need light!" the girl's sleepy grumble
was answered instantly, but not by her lamp!
IMO, you don't need the exclamation point. There's such a thing as subtlety and letting your readers judge if they're surprised by something in your fic or not.
Whirling, she shoved the heavy curtain aside and froze at a familiar
sight hovering over her bed.
Thanks to a ticking wall clock almost directly behind the floating
Henshin rod, Zatanna knew how long she stood frozen. The second hand
spun through three short eternities
Cool. I'm a sucker for poetic prose and the oxymoron.
before the teenager gathered her
courage to grasp the memories that might be her fathers last.
father's last
Taking a deep breath, the teenager who had argued long and hard for
what was now hers sobbed quietly, eye dry of tears. Reluctantly
Zatanna reached with her left hand and her mind. Her mind touched the
Henshin rod first and in spite of some daydreams, the minimal
training her father had allowed and a determination to remain in
Suggest: her determination
Lady Titan staggered as the soul deep feeling of a Senshi's birth
washed through her mind and body. Her hands clenched crushing and
Her hand clenched, crushing and
splintering the mahogany bannister.
banister
Ranma: Wow. I...
Akane: Don't even _think_ it.
The passing invisible shockwaves
awoke feeling and brought memories. Almost against her will Titan
relived in an instant her mothers last thoughts and death. The event
forced a single soft word "Callisto" from the Senshi's lips. Spoken
more as a curse than a name and filled with a deep hatred.
Suggest: Filled with deep hatred, she spoke it more as a curse than a name.
Fighting to hold back the tears and rebury her mothers last memories
Fighting to hold back the tears and rebury her mother's last memories,
Lady Titan turned and stepped from the small balcony and entered the
council chamber. Her vision blurred by tears still allowed her to
Though her vision was blurred by tears, it still allowed her to
Ignoring the flurry of worried speculation from the other members of
Avalon's council Lady Titan
Avalon's council, Lady Titan
stood staring at the map for almost a
minute and then turned and silently made her way back to the balcony.
The sun had come out during her absence and the city matched her
mood. The light filtered through eight feet of lake water was
painting Avalon's Buildings, streets and parks in a blue hue that
matched her mood.
Revise the sentence. It seems like two or three incomplete thoughts were crammed in there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Other Superman Unbound Fanfics can be found at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LoisandClark_SUW/
http://www.fanfiction.net/c2/11072/0/1/
http://www.geocities.com/supermanunbound/index.html
Howard Melton
Edit assitance from Arthur Hansen
assistance
Er... ^^;
God bless
(blink) Not so much a fic or a ficlet as much as a small preview of an upcoming chapter. Interesting. The prose was a bit stilted in some parts, but at the very least it didn't bore me to death. It's lively enough as it is. Also, there were some punctuation problems. You were missing a couple of commas here and there. Can't comment much more, I'm not familiar with the series and it's incredibly short. Still, it's okay. God bless and keep on writing.
Abdiel
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