Just in case anybody's wondering about the deluge of C&C, I have currently have lots of free time in my hands before my graduation ceremony. So... there.

On Tue, 08 Mar 2005 15:54:55 -0600, Nugar <nugar@tds.net> wrote:

   As the subject line notes, this is a lemon.  I was leery of posting
it on the FFML because I don't see many lemons on here much anymore, and
I know a lot of people don't care for them.  Plus, this is very, very
lemon.  Still, I've posted all of the rest of AoRF on here, I might as
well put this piece up, too.

I have nothing against lemons. Just C&Ced one, in fact. Let's see what you've got for us readers, dear author. Also, I apologize in advance for not being able to add anything more than a random comment or so.
 

Enjoy, if you like this sort of thing.  Comments welcome!

And comments you shall have. Ikuzo.

       Aurora of Rainbow Fire chapter four side story: Tea and
Sodomy.

Hmmm... On second thought, maybe I shouldn't read this... :P Nice chapter title.

       Kiyone watched with a heavy-lidded gaze as her would-be
rescuers vanished into the night and stood for a moment in
thought.  She was almost surprised at herself, both at her
actions and thoughts.  She had always been so patient, so
accommodating to others, but ever since Mihoshi had shown up in
the village, a thought had crystallized in her mind.

       It was time for some R&R.

       And now, Mihoshi was gone.  She wouldn't be back until
tomorrow.  There was nothing any of them could do about the
perpetrator until tomorrow.  She'd just have to hope it couldn't
build a planet buster bomb out of sticks and mud in a day.

       Right now, though, for all practical intents and purposes,
she was free.

       Free.

Hmmm. So far so good. I like how your prose flows. Seems you're a seasoned pro at fanfics, eh? 

       It was almost with some sadness that Kiyone noted that she
wasn't the type of person to really go wild.  She usually limited
her recreation to a few karaoke songs and a little alcohol.
Drinks were expensive, and she wasn't willing to flirt with a guy

>From how I read this, shouldn't it be: "Drinks were expensive, but she wasn't willing..."?

       Dretric looked at her quizzically when she returned her
attention to him, holding her hand out.

       "I'm not in the mood for tea and sympathy this time, 

(blinks) Now where did I hear that before...
 

       Had she misjudged?

       What if he rejected her?

       She had been so preoccupied with her thoughts of his tall,
dark body, perfectly cut muscles, and smooth chocolate skin that
she'd never stopped to consider what he thought of _her_.

Ah. Sou. The conflict. No complaints from me. Her insights from earlier and her insecurities and hesitation now in indicative of not just a lemon, but a story, which is always good. Lack of these factors makes it one of _those_ lemons that are, without mincing words, crappy.

       Although a few recriminations over taking advantage of the
helpless girl did enter his thoughts, it was obvious she knew
what she was doing and could make her own decisions.

If he feels recriminations, he should remember two things... She came on to him and hell hath no fury of a woman scorned.

Oh, and since I C&Ced this in the middle of the series, please do excuse my ignorance on whether Kiyone knows this Dretric character or not.

       She responded quickly with firm, hard bites to his neck and
long caresses of her tongue. She scratched the back of his neck
with her short, no-nonsense nails and ran her fingers through his
short, dry, tightly curled hair.

Hmm. So much for the rational and no-nonsense girl introduced earlier in this fic. So far this lemon is reading like... no, not the naughty Harlequin romance, but it's not like a crude Penthouse letter either. The sex parts are... readable, which is good. Not embarrassingly blatant and vulgar, but not overly sappy and flowery. "Just right," so says Goldilocks.
 

       Their mouths met with a slowly increasing tempo, her tongue
sliding between his lips and her mouth sucking demandingly on his
own probes.

       Now fully aroused, the base of his shaft pressed firmly
into her sex from below and the rest protruded proudly between
her legs.

But of course, there's natural buildup to detail... I'm not saying that your prose went from 'just right' to vulgar, but since you're going into detail into describing their little tryst, it couldn't be helped.

       Kiyone gasped at the first contact with her flushed and
spread sex.  God, it was so huge it was ridiculous, much bigger
now than it was when she'd first seen it.  If this was _any_ kind
of indication of the rest of the native population of Earth, this
was going to be a damned popular tourist spot when it finally
joined galactic civilization, she thought in amusement and awe.

So this alien girl just happened to look like a native of certain Asian Nation. Funny how anime conveniently makes aliens look Japanesey, like how American Sci-Fi makes aliens look Caucasian... Ah, but I digress...

On the other hand, I may have missed something and Kiyone actually is Japanese and not an alien. (shrug) I don't keep track of the little plot points of Tenchi Muyo, admittedly.

       Instead, she tasted it, liking the mix of sweat, dust, and
his own unique taste.

(blinks) Chicken?

       Abruptly, Kiyone moved, pushing him back and sliding up.

       Uh oh, he thought, what have I done?  Was she frightened by
the size?

Though this type of line is per usual to any lemon, I'm not at all off-put by it. You're one of those rare lemon writers that write readable lemons. I'm not making fun of the lemon genre or anything, but really, the story flows well without being incredibly puerile and immature about it. The story does just state the fact that what's-his-face is worried that he might be too big and intimidating without looking like its trying to impress the reader of its porn star cast. 
 

       Kiyone knew there was no way she could take all of him, but
she was a little dismayed to manage less than half.  Not only was
he bigger that she'd ever seen or heard of, he was bigger than
she'd dreamed possible!  Hell, he was at least on par with a good
sized cucumber, maybe bigger.

Of course, a lemon's tendency to fixate on size and length of a man's cucumber, er, member is a nearly intrinsic characteristic of the genre. Still, it's an easy, smooth-flowing read.
 

       "You really are huge, aren't you?" she asked in wonder as
she blinked back at him in the darkness.

       Dretric didn't know what she said, but the wondering tone
of voice which she used was one he was familiar with.  Not
bothering to reply, he gently began to withdraw.

Ah, the language of sex crosses borders, even universal ones. 
 

       Dretric had no intentions of doing so either, but Kiyone
didn't know that.  And it was with some surprise that Dretric
found himself penetrating a very demanding woman who uttered a
sound suspiciously like a growl and thrust herself back upon his
member, groaning a bit.  It was very pleasureful.

Heh. Cool. You took advantage of prose's natural affinity for character thoughts and insights in a lemon, of all things. Oh, and there's no such word as pleasureful. Suggest: pleasurable.

       Kiyone was delighting in the feeling of fullness, the
feeling of being overfull that Dretric was giving her.  But he
wasn't giving it to her fast enough.  

Kiyone: It isn't just the size of the boat that's important, but the motion of the ocean. (nods sagely)

Dretric: Yeah, well it's takes a long time for rowboat to get to England.

Kiyone: 'What's the use of having a big ship if it's dead in the water?', if you catch my drift.

       Possibly even a little too hard.  She grit her teeth and
rolled her eyes back in her head as he slid into her, both
already well lubricated by her enthusiasm, 

Somebody's going to be sore in the morning.

frustrations got to be too much.  There was one thing Kiyone had
discovered that excited her more than anything, and it was the
only thing that had ever managed to give her true release.

Well, it's been said that lemons don't usually have much way in plot, but the attention to detail in the actual act in itself has a conflict and (ahem) climax, so to speak. But of course, the title promised sodomy, so the story will deliver.
 

       "Ulp!" 

You have some killer dialogue here. :P

       She grabbed Dretric's hand in a grip of pure steel, pulling
it from her body with a soft slortch.  

Ah. I've read that sound effect before. In a translated hentai manga, no less.

      All things, especially those built on faith and trust,
must come to an end, and Kiyone stopped shuddering and quivering
beneath him, though her breath still caught every time he licked
sweat from her neck or lightly stroked her hair with one hand.
His chin dug into her shoulder, but she decided she liked that,
and was smiling tiredly as she dropped into a dreamless slumber.

It was... heh... detailed, to say the least. It flowed well. It's like an action fic, only it had a different action in mind. The blow-by-blow commentary is a prerequisite, but at least I didn't get bored half my wits while reading it. It's... what's the word? In depth and comprehensive. ^-^

       The entire village was standing in a semicircle outside his
door when he stepped out, all looking at him expectantly.

LOL.

       "She's a nibbler," he admitted sheepishly.

       The crowd roared approval.

Heh.

       Special thanks to:
       JockoMegane for dragging me back into this mess and getting
me off my ass enough to work on this story again.
       K'thardin for taking a quick look at an early draft, and
all his comments that kept me working on a fic I essentially
meant as a oneshot.
       Everyone who emailed since I started this, especially the
people who have checked up on it in the two years its been since
I posted anything new, people like Roland Mullock and Negative Z.
       Dave Menard, for the kind words and excellent fan art.
       DB Sommer, for all the funny C&C, and for inspiring me to
write better by example.
       And of course, my lovely, patient wife for, well,
nevermind.

Again, not much to comment. Not that many grammatical errors, but admittedly I wasn't trying to find any. And the comments I do have there are just... well, comments really. But I guess that's good because it means you can practically leave this fic as is. Nothing to revise, prose flowed reasonably well, I got a chuckle or two, and like I said earlier, it seems that you're a seasoned pro at this lemon thing. Kudos.

Keep on writing,
Abdiel 


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