Adrian Moten wrote:

project's out the way -- rushed putting that note out, and forgot I had  
swiped a synops from MicroWord -_-;  Full story below, in straight notebook  
format (the fancy text version's on fanfiction.net).  Comments, money  gifts, etc, 
send to _raemowse@aol.com_ (mailto:raemowse@aol.com) 

Hello again. Before we start with the story itself (I'm commenting on this as I read), let me first note that there have been a slight improvement here as compared to the previous few chapters. That done, let me just say that, without mincing any words, there's still a lot of room of improvement left for this fic. Now don't get me wrong, when I said that I really liked the second chapter of this series, I meant it. It's just that the whole thing had a lot of potential, but the presentation of the fic and the communication of ideas remain off, heavy-handed and hammy in parts. There would have to be improvement on those parts before this story could take off, regardless of the plot.

In regard of plot, this story has potential... but as of now it's just potential. Further explanation will be provided later. For now, let's move on...

For Better or For Worst-Case Scenario
Chapter 3: Sex Lies on  Videotape

Chapter 3: Sex Lies on Videotape (there's extra space after the 'on' word)

Nabiki's Room, After School

"So, when are you bringing your stuff up here, Ranma?" Nabiki asked as she  
walked through her room door, tossing her satchel onto her bed.

Suggest merging this setting note with the first sentence, to avoid awkwardness in prose, or getting rid of the "Nabiki's Room, After School" altogether since it can be surmised from the context of the dialogue itself. Something like this:

Ranma dazedly looked at the doorway of Nabiki's room, the momentous events earlier that day in Furinkan High still looming in the back of his mind.

"So, when are you bringing your stuff up here, Ranma?" Nabiki asked as she walked through her room door, tossing her satchel onto her bed.
 

"In a minute," the inquired replied, remaining at the doorway.  He  wore a 
pensive look.

Suggest: "In a minute," the inquired replied, his face wearing a pensive look as remained at the doorway."

Also, suggest not using 'the inquired' and substituting 'Ranma' instead. The highfaluting language you have in the narrative prose is all well in good since it is the narrative prose, but a simply refering to the characters by name makes the prose look simpler, cleaner, and (most importantly) easily readable.

"Say, Nabiki…"

Hmmm. There's a formatting error there. I'm guessing that was once an ellipsis, but the plain text FFML (or my mail client) spouted it out as '…'. I suggest replacing your ellipsis with three periods (...) in plain text, or if you're using MS Word, disable its Auto-Formatting Options.

"Yes?"  She looked at Ranma, smiling a little.

Here we have a simple sentence. As much as possible, keep your sentences as clean and simple as this one. You wouldn't want to choke your narrative with unnecessary words until your choke it purple, right? (Heh... look at me saying this when I'm 'Mr. Purple Prose' myself... but you live, you learn, ne?)
 

That smile still made Ranma feel nervous.  She had been doing so since  they

since they

You have a tendency to put an awkward double space in the wrong place. Watch out for this. 
 

talked on the way home.  What on earth could make her be so happy  about their

happy about their
 

colossal mistake of a wedding, particularly since she was just as  desperate

as desperate
 

to get out of it as he was not a few hours ago?

"What?  Is there something on my face?" she asked, the smile not  
disappearing.

He realized he must have been staring hard at her, and quickly shook his  
head.  "Um, nothing.  Nevermind.  I'll just be a minute."

"Um, nothing.  Never mind.

"Wait a second."

"Hmm?"

She looked at him  for

him for

a long moment, then said, "Could you stay away  for

away for

an hour?"

Eyebrow cocked in question, he puzzled briefly over her request.  "Uh,  sure.

Uh, sure

"Thanks."  Her smile widened.  The Saotome son took this as a  sign to leave.

a sign

Also, suggest: Not using 'The Saotome son'. I don't know if it's just me, but those phrases of 'Saotome son', 'the second Tendo child', the youngest Tendo daughter' doesn't sit well with me. It sounds awkward and unnecessary, and your writing is plagued with these unnecessary substitutions. Remember, the characters' names and pronouns are your friends.

He grunted and nodded as he was turning away, only half hearing her;

Suggest: He grunted and nodded as he turned away, only half hearing her;

his  

mind was busy making an escape route.  The door closed behind him, and  Nabiki's 

and Nabiki's
 

"Oh, we'll have a nice little talk… dear sister…"  Shaking her head,  she

There are formatting problems in this sentence.
 

went to her closet.  "But first…" She reached up to the top shelf,  pulling down

shelf, pulling down

The typing rule, as I recall, is double space for every period, single space for every semi-colon and comma.
 

a large, rectangular black case with silvery clasps.  "I need  to relax…"  

There's a formatting problem after the word 'relax'.

Thumbs popped up each tab, and she carefully opened the  container.

the container
 

Nabiki's Room, Twenty Minutes Later

Suggest: Twenty minutes later, the case was closed again. She hefted...
 

The case was closed back again, and she hefted the object onto her  shoulder, 

her shoulder

pushing it back up and onto the top shelf.  Once she made sure it  was 

it was

secured, she wiped her forehead, smiling more genuinely.  "Mmm… I feel  sooo much 
better…"

There are formatting problems in this sentence.
 

Her features fell into the scowl from earlier.  Now, to talk to my  "beloved"

my "beloved"
 

sister…  

Get rid of the '…'

Nabiki quickly changed out of her school uniform, opting  for

opting for

a pair 
of jeans and a white tee shirt.  Once dressed, she left her  room,

her room

fully 
intent on "thanking" Kasumi for everything she had done.

Weird. In every Ranma fan fiction I've read, there are at least three in every ten fics that pits Nabiki with Kasumi because Kasumi always foils her younger sister's schemes. What gives?
 

She hadn't managed three steps when a surprise crested the top of the  stairs.

the stairs
 

"Akane."

More to the point, the scheme always involves Ranma somehow, and Akane, of course, gets to be the victim of said scheme.
 

The young Tendo, still wearing her school uniform, looked directly at her  
slightly older sister. "Yes?"

Kasumi can wait, Nabiki thought to herself, taking advantage of the  
anger-induced steely resolve in order to talk to her little sister.  "Come,  let's

"Come, let's
 

talk for a moment."

"O… kay."

Suggest: "O... kay."

Maintaining a cool composure, Nabiki strolled in.  Akane pulled up the  rear, 

Akane pulled up the rear,

Though, I would suggest rewording the narrative. "Akane pulled up the rear," sounds almost military and technical. A simple, "Akane followed behind," would suffice.

"Why exactly did you organize that little celebration this morning?" Nabiki  

Suggest: "What's with the little celebration this morning?" or something simpler. It's because your dialogue doesn't read like dialogue. It may look good on paper, but if you use that in everyday conversation, it'd sound weird. Make the dialogue less formal and more realistic. As of right now, it sounds like a hastily translated dub.

Akane paused, holding a red skirt and yellow blouse in hand.  "I  already 

I already

told you," she said, turning to look at her.  "Kasumi thought it  would help me

Kasumi thought it would help me
 

get past you and… Ranma's wedding."

Suggest: get over you and... Ranma's wedding

She bit her lip,  choosing to look away 

She bit her lip, choosing to look away

>from the brunette.

"Mm hmm.  And when did she mention this idea?"

"Last night after dinner.  You were still in your room.  Dad  wasn't the most

Dad wasn't the most
 

thrilled about you not being present,

Suggest: thrilled about you not being there,

but he could understand, what with 
everything hitting our family all at once."

Suggest: but he understands... what with everything hitting our family all at once.

Nabiki had to admit she was a little surprised.  Her father, even  slightly 

even slightly

concerned about her well-being…

Formatting error.

When was the last time that  happened?

that happened
 

Usually, it's "Oh, don't worry about Nabiki," "She can take care  of

care of

herself," or 

"She'll manage."

I'd like to take this opportunity to comment on the wonderful insight of Nabiki's disappointments with the Tendo family and Soun's believable attitude towards her daughter.
 

Filing away that thought, she continued on.

Get rid of the 'on'.

"So, Kasumi had this idea  for

idea for
 

how long?"

Akane didn't answer right away, choosing to take a couple of steps closer  to

closer to
 

her own blood.

Suggest: replacing 'her own blood' with Nabiki. It just sounds awkward; if you're worried about the repeat of the word 'Nabiki', just delete the 'Nabiki' in Akane's dialogue.

"Nabiki, what's this about?" she more asked than  demanded,

Suggest (though I'm not so sure): she asked more than she demanded
 

peering closer to the other girl.

Suggest: older girl/her older sister

Nabiki, for her own good, pushed away from her sister,

Suggest: replace 'sister' with Akane... It's okay to make use of the character's name at the start of every paragraph, I think.

swinging her legs  

over the corner of her bed, and standing up.  She was facing the wall  opposite

wall opposite

Suggest: She faced the wall opposite Akane
 

of Akane.  "Kasumi's been playing us like fools…" she said under  her breath.

Formatting error after the word 'fools' and 'under her breath'

Glancing over her shoulder, Nabiki simply said, "Nothing important.   I'll 
leave you alone now."

Suggest: Nabiki to simply say good-bye or 'Later,' to Akane, since "I'll leave you alone now" sounds awkward, forced, and unfit for dialogue.
 

Still puzzled, Akane only nodded.  "Okay…"

Formatting error after "Okay"

The older sister didn't hear it.  She walked out of the youngest  girl's

Suggest: youngest girl's or simply "Akane"

room
and straight to the staircase, anger flaring up within her  mind.

Suggest: "...room, heading straight for the staircase as she seethed in barely contained anger."

Kasumi is going to pay…

Aw. This fic isn't about family bonding, that's for sure.

Downstairs, the Kitchen

Suggest: Getting rid of this, since the reader can easily figure this out after reading the next paragraph. Why not put in few scene breaks here and there instead of this setting explanation after every scene? I know there are people who get annoyed by scene breaks, but I haven't exactly seen any suggestions or substitutions for them. Just don't overdo the scene breaks and you'll be fine, because these scene thingies seem more like detriments than benefits for your fic.
 

Kasumi selected a few nicely sized potatoes and carrots, setting the group  
beside the radishes, onions, a stout head of cabbage and a fair cut of pot 
roast  beef

roast beef

on the kitchen counter.  Humming to herself, she moved over to the  
utensils, picking up the wooden cutting board, well marked from where countless  
blades bit into the surface, then a brown handled chef's knife which she sat  
atop the last-mentioned object, tip and blade pointing away from her body.

These reads like a boring blow-by-blow account of a boxing match. Suggest livening up the prose by... Oh, I dunno, adding a few insights and character thoughts here and there. Human interest, after all, catches the reader's attention far more than bland descriptive prose.
   

She paused long enough to grab hold of two metal containers to place the food 
in  once

in once

it was prepared.

After washing the food off, she was about to begin the meticulous work,  when

Suggest: she was about to begin her meticulous work, when
 

Nabiki, pushed open the kitchen shutters aside.  "Kasumi, let's talk  about

talk about

Or, suggest: "Kasumi, let's talk."

a 
few things."

"Can it wait?  I was about to begin cooking dinner."  She grabbed  the

Suggest: "I'm sorry, but I'm busy. I still have to cook dinner. Maybe we can talk later, okay?"  She grabbed the

This is Kasumi we're talking about. She's very polite. The above sentence seemed too rude for the likes of Kasumi. 

cabbage and brought it over to the cutting board.

The middle daughter fumed.  She didn't even bother turning around to  face 
her!  "It's been waiting far too long.  We talk.   Now."

Suggest: "It's been far too long.  We need to talk.  Now."

The older woman paused, knife poised over her would-be produce  victim.

(rolls eyes) I know I wanted you to liven up the prose a bit earlier, but this would be overkill. IMO, no offense, 'produce  victim' sounds lame. Of course, that's just me.

Then 
slowly she set the cutting utensil down and looked as her  younger,

Suggest: "her younger, married sister" or "Nabiki"

married 
sister.  "Please hurry.  Dinner will be late."

Nabiki blurted out.  "I don't give a damn about dinner!  My life  is more 

My life is more

important!"

Understanding dawned on Kasumi.  "Oh, that…"

Formatting error after the word 'that'

"Yes, that!"

She shrugged apologetically.  "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I am not very  
experienced in those matters.  I do hear some things, though so-"

The married one grew even more irate.

Suggest: "Nabiki grew even more irate." Trust me, it just sounds awkward.

"Don't you dare try to dodge  the

Suggest: "dodge the" or "avoid the"
 

issue.  You know exactly what you've done, you manipulative little-"  Hastily she 
bit off the rest of the sentence and took a step back, upon seeing  the look

seeing the 

on her sister's face.

It was very flat and neutral.  Like stone.

A minute passed, silence running amok in the kitchen.

"Well?"

Nabiki's jaw worked up the nerve to reply.  "W-Well, what?"

"Do you wish to finish was you were going to say?"

A chill ripped down the married woman's spine.  "F, forget about  it.

F, forget about it.

Feh. So much for her dramatic confrontation with her sister. Well, in a way it was dramatic, bu-t...

"All right."  Kasumi's face grew more expressive.  "Oh, my!   Dinner

That's not a double space. That's a tripe space after 'Oh, my!'

will be 

late if I don't get started on it."  She turned her back on  her

on her

sister and 

began chopping into the innocent vegetable before her.

This sentence sounds hammy, overstated and 

For a minute, the homemaker

For a minute, Kasumi

peeled off, rolled, and chopped up the cabbage  

leaves.  Nabiki remained rooted to where she stood, not speaking, not  moving.  
Anger still warred inside of her, but it was tempered with  restraint…

tempered with restraint (formatting error after the word 'restraint')

not 

fear.  She went off the wrong end, and she was promptly  admonished

promptly admonished

for her 
outburst.  Perfectly natural to happen, so she was  restraining

was restraining
 

Kasumi did not just scare the hell out of her.

The above-mentioned wove her voice into the staccato sounds of slicing and  
dicing.  "If you're wondering about the bet, the twenty-five thousand yen  was

yen was

not placed on a whim."

Nabiki cocked an eyebrow in mild surprise.  "Really?  There was  no mention

was no mention
 

of someone hedging their bets."

"That's because I had asked Akane to place the 'Against' bet."

The married woman gaped at her older sister's back.  "You did  what?!"

"You did what?!"
 

Kasumi pushed the cabbage strips into a bowl, and grabbed one carrot,  
chopping it into several orange coins.  "I wanted her to believe that this  was

this was

just 
another plot to torment her and Ranma, as you have done so in the  past.  I 
had intended for her to have hope."

She pushed off one neatly chopped veggie

'veggie' is too informal a word to be in a narrative prose.

into an awaiting bowl, and went  for

went for
 

another.  "I had also hoped your bookies would have mentioned her  placing

her placed
 

the bet to you before the wedding.  In fact, I made sure she would  let

would let

each one 
know that she was placing it."  A quick shift, and more  carrots

more carrots

filled the 
container their brethren occupied.  "I was hoping you  would

you would

have come to your 
senses by that."

Nabiki felt sickened.  "No one said anything about it."

"Regardless, the money would have been made back if you two did not get  
married.  However, now that you have--"

=Ka-TUNK=

Suggest: "A loud thunk followed," or something similar.
 

Though the blade must have chopped through the potato's flesh hard enough  to

enough to
 

leave a noticeable deep groove in the cutting board, the married sister

Nabiki

still 
staggered back as though the kitchen knife was jammed through her body.

Kasumi paused.  "Oh, my."  She turned to look at her  sister.

her sister

"Could we talk 

another time?  With you distracting me, I  forgot to peel the potatoes."

I forgot
 

"…Sure, sis.  Take your time."

Formatting error before the word 'Sure'

She smiled.  "Thank you."  Turning back around, she began peeling  the

peeling the

Nabiki slid out of the kitchen, keeping the kitchen doors within her vision  
until she had to leave the living room.  Not because she was afraid of her  
sister, she would note to herself.  She was just looking to see if anyone  else

anyone else

Nabiki's room, Upstairs

Remove this.

Ranma was just setting up his bed mat in the corner of the room again when  
Nabiki walked into the room wearing a none-too-happy face.  Upon seeing him  
looking at her, the young woman closed the door behind her and sat down upon her 
bed.

space before the word 'bed.'

"W-what?"  Nabiki's gaze made the normally cocky martial artist feel  like

feel like

She didn't say anything for a few seconds longer before replying.   "Ranma,

Triple space after "Ranma," instead of a double space.
 

He looked at her as though she grew another head.  "'Being  used'?

"'Being used'?

Coming 

>from you?  Is this a trick question?"

Heh.
 

"I mean by anyone else?"

He blinked in confusion.  She should have reacted to that in some  way.

some way.
  

Vicious, overly kind while plotting something nasty, played it off  only

off only

to trip 
you up later, something that would imply she was going to get him  back

him back

for 

something.  She sounded almost…

"She sounded almost..."

accepting of the offhand  accusation.

offhand accusation.
 

That unnerved him for reason he could not explain at the moment.

"Nabiki, you feeling okay?"

She frowned slightly.  "Not really, but that's not important.   Tell me what

Triple space there.
 

about our wedding do you remember."

"Huh?  What's bringing this up now?"

Suggest: "Huh? Why bring that up now?"

"Just tell me.  Do you remember anything different, someone telling  you

someone telling you
 

something, overheard a rumor, something, anything?"

Ranma sat down on his bed mat, fixing a stare on his "wife."  "No…  What's 
going on?"

Formatting problems after the word 'No'.
 

The brunette pursed her lips.  She should tell him about the role her  
"beloved" sister played in their wedding.  However, it would most likely  amount 

likely amount

to 

a waste of breath, considering his track record with women.  In  Kasumi's 

In Kasumi's

case, she could turn aside a hardened murderer with a smile and an  offering of a 
few snacks; it would take less than that to topple Ranma onto her  side.

her side.

How can an older sister be so sweet and devious at the same time?

"Nothing," she finally said, shaking her head in frustration.  "I was  just 
checking out a few inquiries from the wedding."

questions from the wedding.

Simplify dialogue. Use 'everyday' words.

"Oh…"  He thought for a second.

"Oh..."  He thought for a second.

"Wait a sec.  Do they got anything to do with me?"

Awkward sentence. Revise.

Predator instincts arose, sensing a prime opportunity to alleviate some of  
her confused, foul mood of the last few minutes, At Ranma's expense, of course;

at Ranma's expense, of course ('at' was unnecessarily capitalized)

after 

space before 'after'

all they were now married, which granted her exclusive grounds to make 

him  miserable

him misterable

anyway.  Not missing a beat, she feigned a sigh.  "Oh  nothing…

Formatting problems.

just something about cameras and seeing… if you have sex as a  girl."

Formatting problems and 'a girl'

"Like hell it is!"  He sprang to his feet.  "I heard about sickos  putting

sickos putting
 

little cameras in people's houses, spying on them when they're taking  their

taking their
 

clothes off!"  Quickly, he started looking around the room.

Nabiki stifled a peel of laughter.  Playing on Ranma's imagination was  one

was one
 

thing, but watching him wind himself up on factual, though irrelevant,  
information was something else entirely.   "What are you doing,  Ranma-baby?"

What are you doing, Ranma-baby?

He lifted up a couple of items in his immediate vicinity.  "Looking  for

Looking for
 

those little black cameras.  Hiroshi says they're about the size of a  500 yen

a 500 yen
 

coin, but they can see everything!"

Oh, yeah... This scene, IMO, is pointless.

Nabiki struggled to keep from laughing, but was quickly failing.  She  knew

She knew

He glanced over to her, and started getting upset.  "Geez,  Nabiki!  This 
ain't no laughing matter!  I got enough problems now,  and

now, and

people peeking in on 
me ain't going to help me at all!"  He lifted up  the

up the

picture frames on her 
desk.

Ranma: I mean, it's not that I'm not used to it, with you and the camera and all, but it makes me uncomfortable that it's not family whose exploiting me... Y'know what I mean?
 

The brunette fell out laughing hard.  "Oh my god you're a riot!"   She rolled 
back and forth on her bed, trying to catch her breath.  "I'm  about

"I'm about..."

Oh, and ew.

to piss 

myself!  I can't believe you're such an-"

Ranma suddenly appeared before, his expression pensive, and thrust one hand  
a few inches shy of her face.  It took a few seconds but, all traces of  
laughter became extinct.

Though he got pissed and just barely hit her.
 

She was breathless again, but for different reasons.  "Someone put a  camera

a camera
 

in my room."

Well, whaddyaknow. Didn't expect that. Cool.

He nodded numbly.  "Found it behind one of those pictures on your  desk."

your desk."

"Someone put a camera in my room."  She was rigid with dread.   The feeling 
of having one's private sanction violated without knowing stripped  away

stripped away

all 

confidence and goodwill.

"Yeah...  It was facing your bed."

"Someone…" The cold pit in her stomach suddenly flared into a blistering  
inferno.  Her hands clenched into tight fists, teeth gritting hard enough  to

enough to
 

crush rock.  "Someone is going to die."

"…Mm hmm.  That's the  range?

the range?

Hmm… That's more than helpful.  Why am I 
asking?  …oh,  just looking into expanding my network, that's all.  No, you 
haven't done  anything wrong… yet.  Thanks, Mugi-baby.  Bye-bye."

This sentence is fraught with perilous formatting problems.
 

Nabiki hung up the handset and looked over the information she scribbled  
down on the pad by the phone.  "Okay, Mugen says this camera model has a  radius

a radius

Oh, and a arcade fighting game maker program is telling her about the camera?
 

of up to eight hundred feet from the receiver."

Ranma made a face.  "Eight hundred feet?  That could be just  about

just about
 

"Call it a hunch.  If it was me trying to get some private shots of  someone,

of someone
 

I'm get as close as I could without attracting attention, so I could  make 

could make

Oh, and this is beginning to read like a Nabiki bashing fic.

sure nothing went wrong."

Ranma mulled that over in his mind for a few moments.  "I guess that  makes

that makes
 

sense.  You would know better."

She responded with a look, but he was busying thinking about something with  
his arms folded across his chest, eyes on the floor.  Quirking one corner  of

corner of

Was this yet another Kasumi plot to get and keep her and Ranma  married?  A 
few days ago, the very thought would have been hysterically  funny at best.  
Now, she wasn't so sure.  While she was pretty sure  Kasumi wouldn't know what 
to do with a lot of electronic devices if you fed her  the instructions, that 
didn't rule her out entirely; after all, it turns out she  knows people that 
work for the health department.  Who's to say she doesn't  know someone in 
security, or a mischievous uber-techno geek?

This paragraph is fraught with spacing problems. I dunno if it's a problem on my end or a problem from your mail client/word processor/what not. Find a way to fix it.

"Dammit…" Nabiki muttered under her breath, closing the door behind  her.

behind her

She's rather good at blaming other people, eh?

"It's Father, my son.  We're related now, so don't be so  formal."

The younger man scratched his hear in apology.  "Um, yeah…  Father.

How about, "Dad"?

Soun snorted.  "Of course there was more.

Er, why's Soun so irritated?

"Nevermind…"

Never mind

Nabiki was on her knees lifting up her bed mattress again, her alert and  
keen eyes searching for anything vaguely resembling hidden spy equipment.   
Having been violated in such an alien way, she was bound to leave no stone  
unturned.  In her case, every article of clothing she owned was strewn  across the 
room, the dwarves

The dwarves? There are dwarves in her room.

"Well, who'd be interested in videotaping us?"  She quickly cut of her  
for-now husband before he could open his mouth.  "Not counting  'sickos.'"  After a 
moment, she added.  "Well, excluding the ones we  know, anyway."

Heh.

The sharp knock on his room door interrupted his budding fantasy.   Sighing 
heavily, Gosunkugi plopped the magazine down on his desk, and pushed  himself 
out of his seat.  He ran his fingers through his rumpled,  disheveled dark 
hair, mumbling just loud enough to be heard.  "What is it,  mom?" he asked, 
opening his room door.

He almost had a heart attack upon lighting his eyes on Ranma and  Nabiki.  

So why didn't her mother call out to Gosunkugi that they have some visitors?

The former looked annoyed, but the latter was smiling, and Nabiki  Tendo - 
correction, Saotome - wearing a smile was never a good thing.

So Nabiki asked to be registered to the Saotomes? Seems strange, since it would make more sense if Ranma married into the Tendo family (so it'd be, technically, Ranma Tendo). The fact that a Japanese man or woman  can choose which family to marry into has been forcedly crammed in my head care off an inquiring email once upon a time in FFML (waxing nostalgic)

Quickly, he tried 
to close the door shut; however, with Ranma's foot in the way,  he may as well

he might as ell

In response, he fell over his own feet trying to get back away from the  door.

"So clumsy…" Nabiki remarked, walking into the room with Ranma bodily  
barricading the door.  "You really need to be more careful.  You could  accidentally 
break a leg… an arm… knock your teeth out…"

"Gyah!"  The room owner

"Gyah!" Gosunkugi

To her and Ranma's surprise, the sickly boy seemed genuinely disgusted with  
the idea.  "We just wanted to know if you were just tricking everyone into  
thinking you two got married!"

The brunette woman lightly coughed into her hand, hiding away part of her  
expression; her "husband" looked away entirely, a dour look evident on his  
profile.  "How do you mean, Gos-baby?"

"What do you mean, Gos-baby?"
 

She gave him a sly smile.  "Flattery will get you everywhere, except  one 
place."

Alcohol, on the other hand...

'Oh, trust me.  It felt so sharp and crisp, just like it came straight  off 
the printing press."

Heh.

He blinked as he found himself coloring a little and hastily pulled  away.  
"Oh, o-okay.  Whatever you say."

She shook her head, mildly amused with his reaction.  "That's the one  thing 
I really want."  Her voice grew softer, quieter.  "To not have  money become 
an issue."

I don't get it.

He didn't question the strange behaviors the middle Tendo girl-turned-his  
wife

Again, these descriptive 'girl-turned-his-wife' sounds awkward. Suggest getting rid of them.

I can't believe I started talking about that, Nabiki  thought to herself, as 
she kicked off her shoes at the landing and jammed her  feet into her house 
slippers.  And with Ranma, of all people!

Wouldn't really matter, since Ranma is so... well, inattentive, to say the least.

The older man nodded.  "Remember what we talked about  yesterday."  For added 
effect, he flexed one arms, pumping his fist in  front of his chest.  
""Don't' let misfortune befall my daughter… or  else."

Heh. Half-expected demon head Tendo to make an appearance, but this isn't that kind of fic.

Before he could ask about the tape, Nabiki asked.  "Am I really that  
horrible a person, Ranma?"

"Huh?"

She rose up into a sitting position, and patted a place beside her  
languidly.  She had not once opened her eyes, though.  He obliged her,  seating himself.

Awww... drama.
 

"Be honest with me here, Ranma.  Am I really such a bitch that people  would 
go out their way to make me suffer for it?"

David Anderson: Yes.

Still leery of the extreme change that overcame his newly-made wife,

Not only does "newly-made" wife sound awkward, it conjures images of Chobits. One does not make a wife, one marries a wife.

"Just positively scandalous, wouldn't you agree, Nabiki?  It would be  every 
naughty pervert's dream to see you in such smutty action, of that, I'm  
positive.  And I hear from my brother that there are many of those kinds of  people 
that go to your school.  I simply can't imagine the teachers or my  father 
taking well to catching this kind of material in their fine student's  hands.  
Why, I'm certain they would go so far as to dismiss the author of  the tape.

Nasty. I've heard at least one real life sex videotape that had the couple quit college in embarrassment. How, er, timely.
 

"Of course now, if you were to end up taking yourself out of this beautiful  
bondage of love to Ranma-sama,

I find it weird for you to have Kodachi use '-sama' while Nabiki keeps using '-baby' instead of '-chan.' Pick one... Japanese or English... for consistency's sake. 

I highly doubt anyone would be interested in  
viewing such a dirty, naughty pastime.  What says you?"

"What say you?"

The screen goes black for a few moments before turning a bright blue.   The 
newlywed couple remained put for many minutes, one finally draping an arm  
around the other.  The power is eventually cut to the TV set and the video  tape 
retrieved before the VCR meets the same fate as its brethren.  Then  the duo of 
Ranma and Nabiki plodded back to their room, the gravity of their  reality 
threatening to obliterate them.

Verdict: As usual, the plot of the story is heavily-laced with drama. It's unfortunate that the distracting formatting, the unnecessary scene descriptions, the lack of pronoun use in favor of awkward substitutes like "newly-made wife", and consistent use of hammy prose is heavily breaking down this fic's potential. The thing is, I already pointed these things out in the last chapter, and it would seem that you have no intention of changing them. (shrugs) Oh well. Your jurisdiction. I will still read this, but these corrections you wouldn't correct are still distracting. This fic with the potential to be a rather good piece will remain amateurish since you choose to keep your mistakes, IMO.

In any case, that's that. Keep on writing.


_______________________________________
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