Within a traditional martial arts dojo several wedding
decorations laid ruined around it.  Lying on the

"Within" and "around it" don't go together. Rephrase.

ground was an unconscious fair red-headed girl with

Don't really need the "fair" at all, but if you must include it, use some
punctuation.

her hair in a pigtail.  She was wearing a white tuxedo
that seemed to be too large for her and shoes that
were two sizes too big.  She moaned in her nothingness

"nothingness"? Extremely wrong choice of word there.

and slowly moved her arms.  Clearly her dreams were
troubled.  This girl was none other than Saotome
Ranma.

The last two sentences are stilted and bad writing. Aside from the fact that
the reader most likely already KNOWS this is Ranma, any character
identification beginning with "This [person]" and containing the phrase
"none other than" is just plain crappy writing. Also, the "Clearly her
dreams were troubled" should just plain be deleted. It isn't necessary, and
nothing of the kind is "clear". For all we know, she's waking up, or having
a spasm. Stick to what's actually happening, not what is presumably
happening.

'What hit me? Oh, right a Happo Dai Karin.  Why can't

Misplaced comma. Should be after "right", not after "Oh".

Maybe it's for the best; I'm not that disappointed
about losing my cure.  The curse even helped me out a
bit at times.'

Severely out of character.

And then the Kunos showed up and Happosai drank her
cure and.

I'm going to assume you had a Unicode ellipses here, and it reformatted as a
single period. If not, fix it.

''s not like I love the kawaiikune otemba anyways.
Erm. maybe it is.  I still never said it.'

I can't believe *I'm* about to say this, of all people, but go easy on the
fanboy Japanese. "uncute tomboy" is PEFECTLY sufficient here.

"Come back Akane! I never got to tell you." and then
her eyes were open.

*wince* Fix this.

Back in the dojo Ranma

dojo,

images from it once more.  She slowly walks to the
center of the dojo and begins to do katas.  As she
goes faster and faster more images float through her
head.

Uh...tense shift in the middle of a paragraph BAD. Stick to one verb tense
please kthxbye.

Ranma broke off her katas and punched the ground as
hard as she could, cracking the boards in a thirty
foot radius circle around the center.

Thirty *FEET*?! I severely doubt the Dojo is more than 18' x 25', if THAT.
This IS Tokyo, Japan, after all.

"N-n-nothing Kasumi."  Kasumi knew something had to be
wrong with Ranma; she never came this close to crying.
 Except around cats.  Cute little kitty cats, how
could anyone be afraid of them?  Genma-ojisan went too
far in training Ranma in that technique.  Wait Ranma
looked hurt now.

That last sentence, aside from being badly written, is completely
unnecessary. Delete it.

"Ranma-kun are you alright?"

Comma after Ranma-kun

"'m fine Kasumi.  Don't worry about me.  How's Akane
doing?"  Kasumi was glad that Ranma was asking about
Akane, maybe this engagement would work out between
them after all.  Kasumi smiled at Ranma, he was such a
nice boy, perfect for her sister.  That, and he was
half-girl.

I think this would work better WITHOUT the ridiculous Kasumi internals,
really.

"Alright, I'll just go make you some dinner then."
Kasumi headed off in the direction of the kitchen
while Ranma moseyed her way into the house and up the

mosied (and maybe you should rethink that choice of verbs?)

all, nor did Akane lose her temper.  If one looked
closely enough, one could see the faint outline of the
sign of Neptune glowing on Akane's forehead, and the
sign of Uranus, just as faint on Ranma's forehead.  As
the pair fell asleep, they instinctively snuggled up
to one another, and yes, they did fall asleep on the
roof.

I'm sorry, but this is just corny and lame.

Sailor Pluto smiled as she watched the scene in the
Gates of Time.

Naturally. Because it couldn't be a cliched Ranma-as-a-Senshi fanfic without
Sailor Pluto watching from the Gates of Time and smiling.

the pair.  All it took was a little meddling; a
dropping of a manual of training grounds, and Ranma
would be able to rise to his/her full potential.  Now
it was time to get working on writing the fake
records, and to make sure that she showed up at the
right time tomorrow night.

Further cliched with Pluto doing all this bizarre meddling. Yeesh.

Akane began to stir.  As her eyes opened they locked
directly upon Ranma's.  Ranma couldn't help himself at
all.  He spoke with a tone of awe in his voice.

"Good morning, kawaii-chan."

At first Akane began to well up with rage, but then
she caught the words that left Ranma's mouth; her
anger popped out of existence like a bubble.  She
smiled and her eyes lit up with joy.

"Good morning, baka-chan."

I think I need a "toire-chan". I'm about to hurl.

Ranma's kata came to a conclusion, he wiped the sweat
off of his brow and glanced at his frozen iinazukee.
He waved his hand in front of her face.

You've been using "fiancee" all this time; why suddenly switch to "iinazuke"
(which you misspelled)?

"I guess you're right Ranma, I probably did look
pretty stupid." She caught her breath. "But, if you
laugh at me again."  She let that statement hang as
she slowly pulled out her mallet, dubiously named
mallet-sama by several fanfiction authors, thus that
term will be used here, even if it is not the official
name for it.

............................................................................
....................................

Okay, that wins the all-time award for most unnecessary narrative digression
in HISTORY.

And does the term "fourth wall" mean ANYTHING to you?

 This was the girl that he was going to marry, and no
one could change his mind about it.  Not the Amazons,
not Ukyo, not his father, not even his mother would
change his decision.

Why bother mentioning his father and mother in this? They WANT him to marry
Akane.

*snip remainder*

I got up to the lunchtime scene, mostly skimming, and from there just
completely lost interest in this.

Try writing something that ISN'T a pastiche of every bad Ranma fanfiction
cliche, and maybe I'll get back to you.

This post brought to you by Dammitol.
Dammitol: We can't get rid of the stress,
but we can help with the headache.
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