hkmiller wrote:

Not sure I've ever commented on this series.  Six chapters in seems like
your feedback ought to
be dropping off quite a bit.

It's a lemon. People don't give much feedback to those period. :)

DB Sommer wrote:

Prologue

It was a dark and stormy night.

Ah, the classic opening, sign of a sure-fire candidate for the
Bulwer-Lytton award.

This is intentional, as will become evident in the next paragraph.

mission, Pink noted to herself. So she mentally took literary license to
make the situation more dark and foreboding, setting the proper mood.

Ah, I see:  Pink is the possible future award winner here.

That's what she's trying for, if unintentionally.

her in front of the whole village. The cowardly bitch had the audacity
to attack Link for no reason, strip her naked, tie her up, leave her in
the middle of the village, and write on her backside �Professional slut
taking on all comers. Enter here,� with arrows pointing to her pussy.
While everyone had better sense than to take advantage of the situation,
someone had taken pictures of her predicament.

Heh.

Nothing like fanservicy humor throw in copious amounts.

Despite the twin�s

twins'  (I think you want; isn't it both of them making the effort?)

Yeah.

waterfall, leaving her for dead. But she had it coming. When Pink had
found her boyfriend, Li sporting two black eyes and sore ribs, she
demanded to know what happened. He informed Pink that the Amazon had
come onto him, and when he politely explained that he already had a
girlfriend, she beat him up for resisting her advances.

The fury of a woman scorned!  No gentleman would ever turn down a lady! 
;)

It's the truth only through Pink's eyes

Although for some bizarre reason, Link insisted that it was Li who had
come on to Shampoo (inconceivable, since Li was so in love with Pink),
and that when the Joketsuzoku had refused his advances (inconceivable,
since Li was the most handsome man on the face of the planet) he had
tried harder to win her over. It was only when he felt her up
(inconceivable, since Pink was giving him the best sex of his life) that
she beat the crap out of him.

Pink keeps using that word.  I  do not think it means what Pink thinks
it means.   ;)

Intentional as well. :)

Link spoke up, shaking Pink out of her reverie. �There it, just like the
tourist map said.�

FYI, my mailer is showing slanted quote marks.  Might want to check for
plain ones.

Okay

some sort of strange exotic plant. Since many of their attacks involved
the use of plants, the two of them decided to locate a specimen and see
if they could use it in their plans.

Hmm... exotic plants... a lemon story.  What could he possibly be 
planning?

A moving modernday politcal piece thinly disguised as lemon. No, really.

�We need a good gust of wind to make a loud howling noise when we enter.
That will instill the proper dramatic effect.�

Canon Pink and Link continually finish each other's sentences.  Yours
don't even know
what the other is going to say next.  Not that I'd want you to change
the above dialog,
but you might consider ways to use their canonical speech patterns
elsewhere.

That seemed a bit cliche to me. I've taken different sorts of liberties with 
the characters to make it seem less cliched.

in on some

�I am not!�

�Are too. And you�d better watch yourself, or the only presence you�ll
have in my book is as a footnote.�

Now, THAT would be interesting for her to try to do...

Author's have all sorts of powers of editing. You'd be amazed at the number 
of characters that were in this that I cut. Sort of like Doug Fin in Dragon 
1/2. :)

lines of its jaws


Anyway, interesting start.  Looking forward to the rest.

It should be out in a couple of days. Hope to see more comments if you have 
the chance.

DB Sommer

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