Not sure I've ever commented on this series.  Six chapters in seems like 
your feedback ought to
be dropping off quite a bit.

DB Sommer wrote:

Prologue

It was a dark and stormy night.
 

Ah, the classic opening, sign of a sure-fire candidate for the 
Bulwer-Lytton award.

mission, Pink noted to herself. So she mentally took literary license to 
make the situation more dark and foreboding, setting the proper mood. 
 

Ah, I see:  Pink is the possible future award winner here.

her in front of the whole village. The cowardly bitch had the audacity 
to attack Link for no reason, strip her naked, tie her up, leave her in 
the middle of the village, and write on her backside �Professional slut 
taking on all comers. Enter here,� with arrows pointing to her pussy. 
While everyone had better sense than to take advantage of the situation, 
someone had taken pictures of her predicament.

Heh.

Despite the twin�s 
 

twins'  (I think you want; isn't it both of them making the effort?)

waterfall, leaving her for dead. But she had it coming. When Pink had 
found her boyfriend, Li sporting two black eyes and sore ribs, she 
demanded to know what happened. He informed Pink that the Amazon had 
come onto him, and when he politely explained that he already had a 
girlfriend, she beat him up for resisting her advances.

The fury of a woman scorned!  No gentleman would ever turn down a lady!  ;)

Although for some bizarre reason, Link insisted that it was Li who had 
come on to Shampoo (inconceivable, since Li was so in love with Pink), 
and that when the Joketsuzoku had refused his advances (inconceivable, 
since Li was the most handsome man on the face of the planet) he had 
tried harder to win her over. It was only when he felt her up 
(inconceivable, since Pink was giving him the best sex of his life) that 
she beat the crap out of him.

Pink keeps using that word.  I  do not think it means what Pink thinks 
it means.   ;)

Link spoke up, shaking Pink out of her reverie. �There it, just like the 
tourist map said.�
 

FYI, my mailer is showing slanted quote marks.  Might want to check for 
plain ones.

some sort of strange exotic plant. Since many of their attacks involved 
the use of plants, the two of them decided to locate a specimen and see 
if they could use it in their plans.

Hmm... exotic plants... a lemon story.  What could he possibly be planning?

�We have to make a good first impression.� Pink whipped the hood of her 
black cloak around her body, shrouding it from view. She then pulled the 
hood low so only her mouth was visible.

�Oh please. Not more of this memoir crap,� Link groaned. �No one is 
interested in your life except you. Let�s just get this over with.�

�It�s all about imagery,� Pink insisted.

�Fine.� Link mirrored her sister�s actions. Now shrouded her in her 
cloak, she was about to knock when Pink once again restrained her.

�What now?�

�We need a good gust of wind to make a loud howling noise when we enter. 
That will instill the proper dramatic effect.�
 

Canon Pink and Link continually finish each other's sentences.  Yours 
don't even know
what the other is going to say next.  Not that I'd want you to change 
the above dialog,
but you might consider ways to use their canonical speech patterns 
elsewhere.

�We�re the most dangerous things around here.� Pink eyes brightened. 
 

Pink's eyes

�That would prove I was really here. All I need to do is put a 
photograph for my memoirs.�

"Put" a photograph?  Are you making a point about broken Japanese here?

�You�re just trying to muscle in some royalties,� Pink huffed.
 

in on some

�I am not!�

�Are too. And you�d better watch yourself, or the only presence you�ll 
have in my book is as a footnote.�
 

Now, THAT would be interesting for her to try to do...

roots began to pull up from the ground. They proved long as they ripped 
through the buried earth in long lines, as though they were vines rather 
than flowers. The ground tore up in violent upheavals until all of the 
plants revealed that had originated from a common source: 
 

Grammar alert here.

rows of teeth, the lines of it jaws were devoid of anything. Link 
 

lines of its jaws


Anyway, interesting start.  Looking forward to the rest.




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