% David McMillan wrote:


Backlogging, BACKlogging, over the bounding main...

% I know that feeling. I got three longer fics I plan on C+Cing, including 
the Defending chapters that just came out.

DB Sommer wrote on 2/5/2005, 11:55 PM:

Fusions That Should Never Be V

Full Metal Azumanga

(A Full Metal Alchemist/Azumanga Daioh fusion)

I dunno, this could work.

% The genres are awful far apart. Only stuff I really see the Azugirls 
fitting well in would be something with a classroom environment. Actually 
naruto ninja versions of them could work, horribly enough.

alchemist. She just knew it was going to turn around and bite her in the
ass, like all of Yukari's other 'brilliant ideas'. It was only a
matter of
time.

The voice of experience. You'd think she'd learn...

% Yukari: Those that don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and 
Nyamo never was any more good at history than she was at math. She *is* just 
a dumb phys ed teacher.

A sound caught Nyamo's attention. She prepared to bring up the Alchemy
circle she had etched into the palm of her glove when a yawning,
sleepy-eyed
Yukari trudged into the room.

I dunno, a tad awkward. Sug: "She was charging the Alchemic circle
etched into the palm of her glove when..."

% will change.

"Morning" Yukari waved.

Needs punctuation. And salt. She's awfully stringy...

% Heh

"It's the middle of the afternoon!" Nyamo spat.



That accusation aroused Yukari's irritation. "You know, that sort of mean
attitude is exactly why I don't wear a watch. You don't see me
snapping at
people because they're a little late, now do you."

....she's been taking logic lessons from Osaka again, hasn't she?

% Anything to shift blame or distract people from her being wrong.

"Ha! As if that'll ever happen," Yukari scoffed. "You've seen the boss's
other assistants. We're the only remotely competent people around. He
needs
us."

Now THAT's scary.

% Heh. Someone else said much the same thing, though Nyamo is competant.

"I agree with everything but the 'we' part regarding competence around
here."

I dunno, between the two of them they might total up to one
barely-competent henchperson.

% Nah. Nyamo's fairly level headed. How often is she shown getting into 
trouble without Yukari to drag her into it in the first place?

Yukari slapped Nyamo affectionately on the shoulder. "Come on, lighten
up.
It's not like it matters when we show up. Guarding this place is the
cushiest job in the world. After all, this is a 'secret base',
emphasis on
secret. That means no one knows its here. If no one knows its here, then
they can't attack it and we won't be guarding it against anyone."

That makes sense, kinda...

% Only if it's really secret, which as we learn later, it no longer is 
because of a certain someone.

Nyamo felt a headache coming on. "Don't you think that since the boss
felt
compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual secrecy
of the
base?"

It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.

Maybe "the far wall"?

% Okay

Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. "That's your fault!

"Is it MY fault that the author likes to use ME for foreshadowing?"
(Ah, it was the FOURTH wall of the lab that got blown in. Heh.)

% Heh

"How is it my fault?"

"You jinxed us with what you said!"

Nyamo brought her hands up, preparing her alchemy sigil. She wanted to
use
it against Yukari, but professionalism reared its ugly head and

Don'tcha just HATE it when that happens?

% That and turning Yukari to stone now would kill a lot of humorous 
dialogue.

Yukari raised her own white-gloved hand, a similar symbol etched on the
palm. "The most important task of all: getting reinforcements." She
turned
and ran.

Yep. Professional Yukari was too good to be true.

% But of course.

Nyamo ground her teeth in frustration at once again being left to hold
the fort.

ITYM "the bag." (:)

% I think the fort metaphor (or is it simile?) works since they are under 
assault in the base.

She turned to see Yukari had already made it more than halfway
across
the room. "That's not the way to the lab! That's the emergency escape
door!"

But of course.

% Yukari: It's a misdirection ploy on my part. I'll circle around to attack 
the enemy's rear.... eventually.

tall. It
was gigantic, like a walking tank, with a demonic faceplate that had
curling
ram's horns on the sides and red eyes whose crimson glow would be more
appropriate in the pits of hell than on any mortal being.

And the part of Al will be played by.....

% You'll find out in a moment. Best to build up the suspence.

While Yukari stared in awestruck horror, at the far end of the room, the
dust began to settle and a person emerged from the hole in the wall and
walked into the room. It was an extremely short figure, dressed in a red
overcoat and a black suit. The silver chain of a small watch was
visible in
one pocket. Twin pig tails could be seen bouncing up and down in
conjunction
with the movement, their light red color showing up as she walked into
the
light.

Chiyo as Ed. Of course. Cue the short jokes.

% That and her prodigy ability made her ideal for the role, even if her 
temperment isn't like Ed's.

Which means "Al" is
probably... Sakaki?

% Good call. Most people thought Osaka or Chiyo, until I made her Ed, 
anyway.

Nyamo drew back in horror. "Oh no! It's the military's infamous prodigy
transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!"

Is it masochism that I enjoy this stuff?

% Probably.

Chiyo winced. "Would you mind not calling me that? I'm not that short."

Yukari said, "You're the shortest ten year old I've ever seen. You'd be
short even for a midget."

Chiyo's face turned red as she trembled in anger.

Oooh. So she *does* get angry about it. Baibai, Yukari.

% She got honked off at Tomo once for getting a better score on a test. 
Well, Tomo rubbed it in, but still, Chiyo does have her pride.

Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the armored
figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. "Then this
must be
the Chibi Alchemist's partner, the most horrifying, fearsome, deadliest
being to ever walk the face of the planet, 'Death Machine' Sakaki."

Called it. So, is she "coolness in a can"?

% heheheheh. She probably would be.

The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to its face. "Does
this
make me look less fearsome?" it asked hopefully.

The pain, the PAIN...

% She is trying...

"It makes you look worse!" Yukari screeched.

So what was Yukari's Alchemist callsign? "Kamikaze Mouth"?

% I'll mention it eventually.

The armored figure's shoulder slumped and, impossibly, a look of
depression
crossed its features as it tossed the mask aside.

ITYM "shoulderS"

% Oops. Yeah. All sorts of errors in this one.

Chiyo was quick to come to her partner's defense. "Sakaki has never
killed
anyone. And its not her fault her soul is bound in such a fearsome
looking
armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our teacher went insane
and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was intended to
transmutation

"to transmute" or "for the transmutation"

% to transmute

And just WHO was that teacher, I wonder....?

% You'll find out soon.

of the entire class. Things went out of control. I was only able to save
Sakaki and we barely escaped with out lives. The rest of our friends
died."
Chiyo sniffled at the memory.

What? So we don't get to see Kagura Mustang?

% No. Roy and the supporting characters would still be there, largely 
because I used nearly everyone in the Azu cast.

"Dog of the military?" Sakaki asked. She was suddenly overcome with
the idea
of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her head.

ph33r t3h cu7e 0n3z!

% It is pure Sakaki, though. And that whole 'Dog of the Military' bit got 
old fast in the original series. i couldn't resist taking the shot.

Yukari paid no heed. "I was in the military as well. An alchemist, in
fact.
All the soldiers and other alchemists ran away from me in terror. I once
cowed the Fuhrer himself without even trying.

What, they let her DRIVE?!?!?!?

% Yep.

I left because I determined
the military was no longer worthy of my abilities, so I went freelance,
where there's real money to be made. And you think you can challenge
me, one
who could appropriately be called 'The God of Alchemists'?"

Chiyo said, "You were known as the 'Crash Dummy Alchemist.' Everyone ran
away from you only when you were in a vehicle, and that was because
you were
likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You were
kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer's car with a
tank,
while he was still in it."

Okay, I guess "Crash Dummy" works.
...
....


BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!

% Good. I thought it felt like pure Yukari, there. I mean, her bad driving 
was used a lot too, but as long as the results differ, it can still work.

"The gear shift was stuck," Yukari defended.

I don't think "defended" really works as a verb in this context.

% Hmm. Ratoinalized sounds too much like she was actually taking blame, 
though.

Nyamo stepped in front of Yukari. "Unlike my companion, I'm actually
pretty
good. I was one of the best alchemists in the military until I
listened to
some bad advice and quit." She stared pointedly at Yukari. "But I'm still
one of the best there is." She pulled a coin from out of her pocket

Hm. "Superflex Alchemist"?

% Nope.

and

tossed it in the air. She caught it, simultaneously snapping her fingers.
Instantly the coin was transformed into a miniature figure of ice that
rested on the back of her hand. "Now you see how I earned the title, 'The
Ice Maiden Alchemist'."

I just KNOW what Yukari's gonna say next.

% Nah. For one thing, it's not that appropriate, as we are about to learn.

Chiyo scratched her head for a moment, muttering "Ice Maiden Alchemist,"
several times. Eventually, she stopped scratching and smiled at Nyamo.
"I've
heard of you. The men at headquarters talk about you all the time."

Oh. So it's not gonna be Yukari?

% Nope.

Nyamo smirked at Yukari, who shot daggers back at her.

Chiyo continued. "But can you answer me something? What does Colonel
Mustang
mean when he says he was able to 'melt the Ice Maiden by putting some
fire
inside her?' I overheard him saying that to some of the guys, but when I
asked him what he meant, he just laughed nervously and said he'd tell me
when I got older."

Okay, so it wasn't the joke I was expecting. Still funny. But Roy a
ladie's man? Whod'a thunk it?

% Nyamo's irresistable, and a lot less likely to shoot you than Hawkeye. ^_^

Chiyo added, "I asked Lieutenant Hawkeye, but she wouldn't answer. She
just
pulled out her gun and started playing with the slide, muttering
something
about human target practice." Chiyo shuddered. "I don't ask her questions
anymore."

Mrowr! Hiss!

% And a good way to allude to other FMA cast in their world.

"She is scary," Nyamo agreed, suddenly remembering why it was so easy for
Yukari to talk her into resigning from the military.

Sug: "why it had been"

% Okay

"Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting
about
working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade
alchemist who
was studying the Philosopher's Stone."

Three guesses, and the first two don't count.

Yukari stared levelly at Nyamo.

"What the hell are you looking at me for?!" Nyamo shouted, "You're the
one
that goes out drinking every night!"

"Pointing fingers after the fact is pointless," Yukari said
philosophically.

Tell that to any random Congressional committee.

% Heh

"We have to stop these two."

"Right." Nyamo said, dropping the ice figure and preparing to fight.

Yukari nodded. "Good. You hold them off, while I go for reinforcements."

Hm. Y'know, just Alchemy-up a car for Yukari, and it's all over. For
everyone, of course, but Phyrric victories are still victories.

% But not really ones you want.

into the room. Standing next to the railing was a man in a white lab
jacket,
surrounded by five figures that remained in the shadows. Light gleamed
off
the man's glasses, as he looked down into the room.

Gendo! Argh! RUUUUN!

% Heh. No, someone more frightening.Though once you think about it, if 
Kimura did get wind of a third impact, he would want to call the shots. His 
will might be more irresistable then Gendos.

Chiyo and Sakaki both gasped. "It can't be."

The man said, "But it is Chiyo-chan. It is. At long last we are reunited,
daughter!"

Wait, Vader didn't *wear* glasses....

% The punchline is coming.

Chiyo's surprise turned to disgust. "You're not my father. You're my old
high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei."

Okay, I did NOT see that coming. I should have.

% He was the only teacher left. :)

"Our friends!" Chiyo shouted as she saw Tomo, Yomi, Osaka, Kagura, and
even
Kaorin up there, dressed in their high school uniforms as though they
were
ready to attend school. "I thought you were all dead! I saw you broken

Repeat of "school". Sug: "attend class."

% Hmm. Okay

down
into your material components and sucked through a portal."

Heck, if I had a nickel for every time someone's said that to me...

% Had to parallel the Elrics experince somehow.

"I made them homunculi."

That caught Tomo's attention. "Homunculi? I'm no homunculi."

Oboy, Tomo vs Kimura in a duel of Existentialism.

% I think I side with Tomo.

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not," Tomo insisted.

"Yes, you are. You all are."

Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. "The heck
we are.
Out of all of us, only Kaorin's ever looked at another girl."

THIS one I saw coming. Barely.

% Any word with the term 'homo' in it lends itself to the joke.

Kaorin blushed furiously.

Chiyo laughed uneasily. "Actually, he means you're artificial humans, and
not real ones at all. It doesn't mean you like girls."

Osaka pondered that. "Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to
change
sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?"

Uh...

% It is something Osaka would ponder, though.

Kagura scratched her head. "Well, I guess it kind of works. I am pretty
proud of my athletic prowess."

He pointed at Tomo. "Greed."

Well, "mad as a hatter" isn't among the 7 Deadlies, so...

% Heh

Tomo scrunched her face at that. "I don't want to be Greed. I want to be
Pride."

Kimura said, "You want to be Pride?"

"Yes."

"Then you're Envy."

...Kimura made sense. I'm scared.

% This came to me at the last minute. Actually, Tomo was supposed to be the 
'it's not a sin' name. Then I made it Osaka, though as Lurk pointed out, 
Sloth *does* fit her, so I dropped the inappropriate name joke.

"What?! I said I wanna be Pride."

"Since you want to be something else, that means you are suffering
from the
sin of Envy."

While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to
Yomi.
"This is Gluttony."

Saw that one coming. This CAN'T end well.

% No. Yomi is going to be bitter over this.

"Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!" Yomi shouted.

Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. "This is Ditziness."

"Ditziness isn't a sin," Chiyo pointed out.

"None of the standard ones fit, so I made one up," Kimura admitted.

That's the Osaka we all know and... um...

% See above. Osaka is now Sloth, briefly. Then she comes up with the Anger 
line

Kimura pointed to the last girl. "And Kaorin-chan is Lust, since she
lusts
after me."

I'm suddenly having "Azumnga Royale" flashbacks.

% Heh. It's the sort of thing meant to cause flashbacks.

"I do not!" Kaorin shouted, darting behind Yomi.

Yomi snarled, "Yeah, that's it, hide behind Gluttony, since she must
have a
big behind because she's Gluttony."

Touchy, are we?

% Heh

Tomo smirked at Yomi. "I'm envious of your ability to pack down food
like an
elephant."

No, this definitely won't end well.

% "Instigation' or 'Shit Disturber' aren't sins either, but Tomo sure tries 
her best to make them into ones.

"Why you!" Yomi went after Tomo, who began running for her life,

"Why, you!"

% I thought when shouted out as a curse there was no comma.

shouting
out how envious she was of Yomi's ability to run fast despite her large
mass."

Extraneous end quote.

% Will cut.

"Scary how much they seem like the real thing, isn't it?" Chiyo asked
Sakaki.

The armored could only nod in agreement.

ITYM "armored figure" or something.

% will add.

Chiyo shouted over the chaos to Kimura, "Why did you try to transmute the
class, and why try to create the Philosopher's Stone?"

Kimura, who had to fend off Osaka's attempts to punch him in anger by
placing his hand on her head and keeping her at arm's length while she
swung
vainly away, said, "Because I need it to change the world."

I love the visual, but the description is awkward. Sug: "Kimura was
busy fending off Osaka's attempts to demonstrate her anger by holding
her at arm's length with a hand on her forehead while she swung vainly
away, but answered anyway."

% Hmm. Will consider.

"Because I like High School girls. All of them, in every shape and
size. But
they eventually grow up and stop being high school girls. That is
unacceptable. With the Philosopher's Stone, I can freeze high school
girls'
age, making them high school girls for the rest of their lives."

The HSGs would kill him dead. Sure, staying in the cutest phase of the
physical development might be fun for *some* of them, but being trapped
in HIGH SCHOOL for *ever*? Oy

% As Kumura is about to find out.

"That's terrible," Chiyo said, envisioning herself never getting any
taller.

"That's horrible," Sakaki agreed. If all the other girls stopped growing,
she'd be the tallest one forever.

"That's something I want in on," Yukari insisted.

Yep.

% Heh.

"Sorry, you're too old," Kimura told her,

The declaration made Yukari scream in rage. She turned to Nyamo. "Come
on,
we have to kick his ass!"

I keep SAYING, just give her a car. And stand back. WAY back. Like,
say, AlphaCent.

% Wonder what she could do with a time machine made from a Delorean. :)

"He's the one paying us!" Nyamo pointed out.

Yukari suddenly became shifty. "Oh, are you saying you want him to
succeed?
How easy do you think it's going to be for us to get boyfriends when
we have
to compete against a world full of women trapped in teenage bodies?"

The scary thing about this fic is that Yukari keeps making sense. In a
weird, twisty, bizzaro-logic sort of way.

Nyamo's look of anger now matched Yukari's. "You're right! We have to
stop
his abominable plan!"

Kimura, sensing the tide turning against him, turned to his minions. "You
must protect me."

Yomi stopped running. "No can do, since I'm Gluttony, I must be too
fat to
help you out," she venomously spat.

Ah, the worm turns.

% Yep

"And I'm too envious to help anybody," Tomo added.

"I'm so proud of my abilities, I don't need to use them to prove
anything to
anyone," Kagura said.

"Don't even think about it," Kaorin warned when Kimura turned her way.

And keeps right on turnin'...


% Come on, no one actually sides with Kimura, except his wife. :)

Osaka said. "I'll help out." Her latest attempt at anger made her look
like
she was constipated.

Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out,
"Is it
so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!"

There was a resounding chorus of '"Yes!" and he found himself buried
under a
wave of changing matter courtesy of four alchemists.

%This has since been changeed to

There was a resounding chorus of '"Yes!" and he found himself buried under a 
wave of ice, fire, energy, and cute-looking plush cats, courtesy of four 
alchemists.



%At someone's recommendation. I agreed that the plush cats help make it, as 
well as being more descriptive.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[END FIC}

Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I
like
Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and vinegar,
once
you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad ideas like this
rest
in peace.

You *do* realize that you're just encouraging the people who have a
masochistic enoyment of impossible challenges, don't you? (:)

% I can't see it working over the long haul, though. Although technically 
some of the ideas could work (in a more serious vein), like SailorEva, if 
done right. You might even call the Replacement Excels workable, since it's 
a parody, and so was Excel Saga, But it's darn hard to put two very 
disparate series together. You ought to have some common element, even if 
it's weak. LA Blue Girl/Naruto/2X2 Shinobuden could work, even. God know 
Jiraiya and Onsokumaru would think they had died and gone to heaven. :) But 
for the most part, Fusions, like 90% of anything, tend to be pretty damn 
awful if you try to take them seriously, which is why I don't. They are fun 
to write as short idea fics like this.

Thanks for the help. It's really appreciated.

DB Sommer

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