Backlogging, BACKlogging, over the bounding main...

DB Sommer wrote on 2/5/2005, 11:55 PM:

 >
 > Fusions That Should Never Be V
 >
 > Full Metal Azumanga
 >
 > (A Full Metal Alchemist/Azumanga Daioh fusion)

    I dunno, this could work.

 > alchemist. She just knew it was going to turn around and bite her in the
 > ass, like all of Yukari's other 'brilliant ideas'. It was only a
 > matter of
 > time.

    The voice of experience.  You'd think she'd learn...

 > A sound caught Nyamo's attention. She prepared to bring up the Alchemy
 > circle she had etched into the palm of her glove when a yawning,
 > sleepy-eyed
 > Yukari trudged into the room.

    I dunno, a tad awkward.  Sug:  "She was charging the Alchemic circle 
etched into the palm of her glove when..."

 > "Morning" Yukari waved.

    Needs punctuation.  And salt.  She's awfully stringy...

 > "It's the middle of the afternoon!" Nyamo spat.
 >
 >
 >
 > That accusation aroused Yukari's irritation. "You know, that sort of mean
 > attitude is exactly why I don't wear a watch. You don't see me
 > snapping at
 > people because they're a little late, now do you."

    ....she's been taking logic lessons from Osaka again, hasn't she?

 > "Ha! As if that'll ever happen," Yukari scoffed. "You've seen the boss's
 > other assistants. We're the only remotely competent people around. He
 > needs
 > us."

    Now THAT's scary.

 > "I agree with everything but the 'we' part regarding competence around
 > here."

    I dunno, between the two of them they might total up to one 
barely-competent henchperson.

 > Yukari slapped Nyamo affectionately on the shoulder. "Come on, lighten
 > up.
 > It's not like it matters when we show up. Guarding this place is the
 > cushiest job in the world. After all, this is a 'secret base',
 > emphasis on
 > secret. That means no one knows its here. If no one knows its here, then
 > they can't attack it and we won't be guarding it against anyone."

<eyes glazing over>  That makes sense, kinda...

 > Nyamo felt a headache coming on. "Don't you think that since the boss
 > felt
 > compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual secrecy
 > of the
 > base?"
 >
 > It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.

    Maybe "the far wall"?

 > Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. "That's your fault!

    "Is it MY fault that the author likes to use ME for foreshadowing?"
    (Ah, it was the FOURTH wall of the lab that got blown in.  Heh.)

 > "How is it my fault?"
 >
 > "You jinxed us with what you said!"
 >
 > Nyamo brought her hands up, preparing her alchemy sigil. She wanted to
 > use
 > it against Yukari, but professionalism reared its ugly head and

    Don'tcha just HATE it when that happens?

 > instead she
 > pointed toward the cloud of dust kicked up by the exploding wall.
 >
 > Yukari suddenly became serious as well. "All right, here's what we'll do.
 > You transmute the floor into flypaper, causing our foe to stick to it."
 >
 > Nyamo nodded. "Right. What will you be doing?"
 >
 > Yukari raised her own white-gloved hand, a similar symbol etched on the
 > palm. "The most important task of all: getting reinforcements." She
 > turned
 > and ran.

    Yep.  Professional Yukari was too good to be true.

 > Nyamo ground her teeth in frustration at once again being left to hold
 > the fort.

    ITYM "the bag."   (:)

 > She turned to see Yukari had already made it more than halfway
 > across
 > the room. "That's not the way to the lab! That's the emergency escape
 > door!"

    But of course.

 > tall. It
 > was gigantic, like a walking tank, with a demonic faceplate that had
 > curling
 > ram's horns on the sides and red eyes whose crimson glow would be more
 > appropriate in the pits of hell than on any mortal being.

    And the part of Al will be played by.....<drumroll>

 > While Yukari stared in awestruck horror, at the far end of the room, the
 > dust began to settle and a person emerged from the hole in the wall and
 > walked into the room. It was an extremely short figure, dressed in a red
 > overcoat and a black suit. The silver chain of a small watch was
 > visible in
 > one pocket. Twin pig tails could be seen bouncing up and down in
 > conjunction
 > with the movement, their light red color showing up as she walked into
 > the
 > light.

    Chiyo as Ed.  Of course.  Cue the short jokes.  Which means "Al" is 
probably... Sakaki?

 > Nyamo drew back in horror. "Oh no! It's the military's infamous prodigy
 > transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!"

    <facefault>  Is it masochism that I enjoy this stuff?

 > Chiyo winced. "Would you mind not calling me that? I'm not that short."
 >
 > Yukari said, "You're the shortest ten year old I've ever seen. You'd be
 > short even for a midget."
 >
 > Chiyo's face turned red as she trembled in anger.

    Oooh.  So she *does* get angry about it.  Baibai, Yukari.

 > Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the armored
 > figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. "Then this
 > must be
 > the Chibi Alchemist's partner, the most horrifying, fearsome, deadliest
 > being to ever walk the face of the planet, 'Death Machine' Sakaki."

    Called it.  So, is she "coolness in a can"?

 > The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to its face. "Does
 > this
 > make me look less fearsome?" it asked hopefully.

    <whimper>  The pain, the PAIN...

 > "It makes you look worse!" Yukari screeched.

    So what was Yukari's Alchemist callsign?  "Kamikaze Mouth"?

 > The armored figure's shoulder slumped and, impossibly, a look of
 > depression
 > crossed its features as it tossed the mask aside.

    ITYM "shoulderS"

 > Chiyo was quick to come to her partner's defense. "Sakaki has never
 > killed
 > anyone. And its not her fault her soul is bound in such a fearsome
 > looking
 > armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our teacher went insane
 > and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was intended to
 > transmutation

    "to transmute" or "for the transmutation"
    And just WHO was that teacher, I wonder....?

 > of the entire class. Things went out of control. I was only able to save
 > Sakaki and we barely escaped with out lives. The rest of our friends
 > died."
 > Chiyo sniffled at the memory.

    What?  So we don't get to see Kagura Mustang?

 > "Dog of the military?" Sakaki asked. She was suddenly overcome with
 > the idea
 > of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her head.

    ph33r t3h cu7e 0n3z!

 > Yukari continued, "Oh ho, ho. I'm afraid you've bitten off more than you
 > can chew, runt."
 >
 > Chiyo scowled at the insult.
 >
 > Yukari paid no heed. "I was in the military as well. An alchemist, in
 > fact.
 > All the soldiers and other alchemists ran away from me in terror. I once
 > cowed the Fuhrer himself without even trying.

    What, they let her DRIVE?!?!?!?

 >I left because I determined
 > the military was no longer worthy of my abilities, so I went freelance,
 > where there's real money to be made. And you think you can challenge
 > me, one
 > who could appropriately be called 'The God of Alchemists'?"
 >
 > Chiyo said, "You were known as the 'Crash Dummy Alchemist.' Everyone ran
 > away from you only when you were in a vehicle, and that was because
 > you were
 > likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You were
 > kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer's car with a
 > tank,
 > while he was still in it."

    Okay, I guess "Crash Dummy" works.
    ...
    ....
    <sicker>
    <Guffaw>
    BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!

 > "The gear shift was stuck," Yukari defended.

    I don't think "defended" really works as a verb in this context.

 > Nyamo stepped in front of Yukari. "Unlike my companion, I'm actually
 > pretty
 > good. I was one of the best alchemists in the military until I
 > listened to
 > some bad advice and quit." She stared pointedly at Yukari. "But I'm still
 > one of the best there is." She pulled a coin from out of her pocket

    Hm.  "Superflex Alchemist"? 

and
 > tossed it in the air. She caught it, simultaneously snapping her fingers.
 > Instantly the coin was transformed into a miniature figure of ice that
 > rested on the back of her hand. "Now you see how I earned the title, 'The
 > Ice Maiden Alchemist'."

    I just KNOW what Yukari's gonna say next.

 > Chiyo scratched her head for a moment, muttering "Ice Maiden Alchemist,"
 > several times. Eventually, she stopped scratching and smiled at Nyamo.
 > "I've
 > heard of you. The men at headquarters talk about you all the time."

    Oh.  So it's not gonna be Yukari?

 > Nyamo smirked at Yukari, who shot daggers back at her.
 >
 > Chiyo continued. "But can you answer me something? What does Colonel
 > Mustang
 > mean when he says he was able to 'melt the Ice Maiden by putting some
 > fire
 > inside her?' I overheard him saying that to some of the guys, but when I
 > asked him what he meant, he just laughed nervously and said he'd tell me
 > when I got older."

    Okay, so it wasn't the joke I was expecting.  Still funny.  But Roy a 
ladie's man?  Whod'a thunk it?

 > Nyamo blushed furiously while Yukari began laughing her head off.
 > "It's not
 > important." Nyamo said quickly.
 >
 > Chiyo added, "I asked Lieutenant Hawkeye, but she wouldn't answer. She
 > just
 > pulled out her gun and started playing with the slide, muttering
 > something
 > about human target practice." Chiyo shuddered. "I don't ask her questions
 > anymore."

    Mrowr!  Hiss!

 > "She is scary," Nyamo agreed, suddenly remembering why it was so easy for
 > Yukari to talk her into resigning from the military.

    Sug:  "why it had been"
    <snicker>

 > "How did you find out about this place?" Yukari asked. "It's supposed
 > to be
 > secret."
 >
 > "Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting
 > about
 > working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade
 > alchemist who
 > was studying the Philosopher's Stone."

    Three guesses, and the first two don't count.

 > Yukari stared levelly at Nyamo.
 >
 > "What the hell are you looking at me for?!" Nyamo shouted, "You're the
 > one
 > that goes out drinking every night!"
 >
 > "Pointing fingers after the fact is pointless," Yukari said
 > philosophically.

    Tell that to any random Congressional committee.

 > "We have to stop these two."
 >
 > "Right." Nyamo said, dropping the ice figure and preparing to fight.
 >
 > Yukari nodded. "Good. You hold them off, while I go for reinforcements."

    <facepalm>
    Hm.  Y'know, just Alchemy-up a car for Yukari, and it's all over.  For 
everyone, of course, but Phyrric victories are still victories.

 > Nyamo snagged her by the back of the shirt, before she could try to
 > escape
 > again.
 >
 > It was at that moment that a large section of the ceiling suddenly began
 > lowering itself down into the room. It stopped after it had descended
 > about
 > halfway. On its surface were some lab equipment and a railing to look
 > over
 > into the room. Standing next to the railing was a man in a white lab
 > jacket,
 > surrounded by five figures that remained in the shadows. Light gleamed
 > off
 > the man's glasses, as he looked down into the room.

    Gendo!  Argh!  RUUUUN!

 > Chiyo and Sakaki both gasped. "It can't be."
 >
 > The man said, "But it is Chiyo-chan. It is. At long last we are reunited,
 > daughter!"

    Wait, Vader didn't *wear* glasses....

 > Chiyo's surprise turned to disgust. "You're not my father. You're my old
 > high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei."

    <facepalm>  Okay, I did NOT see that coming.  I should have.

 > "That's all right; you can still call me Daddy."
 >
 > "No way!"
 >
 > Kimura clapped his hands in glee, "I see my plans are working. High
 > School
 > girls are already flocking to me for my treatment."
 >
 > "Actually they're intruders that are here to stop you," Nyamo explained.
 >
 > "It doesn't matter! High school girls are high school girls!" Kimura
 > shouted.
 >
 > Chiyo was teary-eyed. "Why did you do it, sensei? Why did you try to
 > perform
 > that forbidden experiment on the class?"
 >
 > "For this reason!" Kimura waved the figures surrounding him forward. They
 > did so, stepping into the light.
 >
 > "It can't be," Sakaki gasped.
 >
 > "Our friends!" Chiyo shouted as she saw Tomo, Yomi, Osaka, Kagura, and
 > even
 > Kaorin up there, dressed in their high school uniforms as though they
 > were
 > ready to attend school. "I thought you were all dead! I saw you broken

    Repeat of "school".  Sug:  "attend class."

 > down
 > into your material components and sucked through a portal."

    Heck, if I had a nickel for every time someone's said that to me...

 > "They were," Kimura informed her. "But I brought them back. Well,
 > technically I recreated them, but it's pretty much the same thing"
 >
 > "How?"
 >
 > "I made them homunculi."
 >
 > That caught Tomo's attention. "Homunculi? I'm no homunculi."

    Oboy, Tomo vs Kimura in a duel of Existentialism.

 > "Yes you are."
 >
 > "No I'm not," Tomo insisted.
 >
 > "Yes, you are. You all are."
 >
 > Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. "The heck
 > we are.
 > Out of all of us, only Kaorin's ever looked at another girl."

    THIS one I saw coming.  Barely.

 > Kaorin blushed furiously.
 >
 > Chiyo laughed uneasily. "Actually, he means you're artificial humans, and
 > not real ones at all. It doesn't mean you like girls."
 >
 > Osaka pondered that. "Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to
 > change
 > sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?"

    Uh...

 > "Um, I don't know," Chiyo admitted.
 >
 > Kimura continued. "And since I recreated them, I have renamed them
 > after the
 > seven sins. Behold Pride." He pointed at Kagura.
 >
 > Kagura scratched her head. "Well, I guess it kind of works. I am pretty
 > proud of my athletic prowess."
 >
 > He pointed at Tomo. "Greed."

    Well, "mad as a hatter" isn't among the 7 Deadlies, so...

 > Tomo scrunched her face at that. "I don't want to be Greed. I want to be
 > Pride."
 >
 > Kimura said, "You want to be Pride?"
 >
 > "Yes."
 >
 > "Then you're Envy."

    ...Kimura made sense.  I'm scared.

 > "What?! I said I wanna be Pride."
 >
 > "Since you want to be something else, that means you are suffering
 > from the
 > sin of Envy."
 >
 > While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to
 > Yomi.
 > "This is Gluttony."

    Saw that one coming.  This CAN'T end well.

 > "Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!" Yomi shouted.
 >
 > Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. "This is Ditziness."
 >
 > "Ditziness isn't a sin," Chiyo pointed out.
 >
 > "None of the standard ones fit, so I made one up," Kimura admitted.

    That's the Osaka we all know and... um...

 > "I could be Anger." Osaka tried growling in anger, but it was closer
 > to the
 > growl one's stomach made when hungry.
 >
 > Kimura pointed to the last girl. "And Kaorin-chan is Lust, since she
 > lusts
 > after me."

    I'm suddenly having "Azumnga Royale" flashbacks.

 > "I do not!" Kaorin shouted, darting behind Yomi.
 >
 > Yomi snarled, "Yeah, that's it, hide behind Gluttony, since she must
 > have a
 > big behind because she's Gluttony."

    Touchy, are we?

 > Tomo smirked at Yomi. "I'm envious of your ability to pack down food
 > like an
 > elephant."

    No, this definitely won't end well.

 > "Why you!" Yomi went after Tomo, who began running for her life,

    "Why, you!"

 >shouting
 > out how envious she was of Yomi's ability to run fast despite her large
 > mass."

    Extraneous end quote.

 > "Scary how much they seem like the real thing, isn't it?" Chiyo asked
 > Sakaki.
 >
 > The armored could only nod in agreement.

    ITYM "armored figure" or something.

 > Chiyo shouted over the chaos to Kimura, "Why did you try to transmute the
 > class, and why try to create the Philosopher's Stone?"
 >
 > Kimura, who had to fend off Osaka's attempts to punch him in anger by
 > placing his hand on her head and keeping her at arm's length while she
 > swung
 > vainly away, said, "Because I need it to change the world."

    I love the visual, but the description is awkward.  Sug:  "Kimura was 
busy fending off Osaka's attempts to demonstrate her anger by holding 
her at arm's length with a hand on her forehead while she swung vainly 
away, but answered anyway."

 > "How?" Chiyo insisted.
 >
 > "Because I like High School girls. All of them, in every shape and
 > size. But
 > they eventually grow up and stop being high school girls. That is
 > unacceptable. With the Philosopher's Stone, I can freeze high school
 > girls'
 > age, making them high school girls for the rest of their lives."

    The HSGs would kill him dead.  Sure, staying in the cutest phase of the 
physical development might be fun for *some* of them, but being trapped 
in HIGH SCHOOL for *ever*?  Oy

 > "That's terrible," Chiyo said, envisioning herself never getting any
 > taller.
 >
 > "That's horrible," Sakaki agreed. If all the other girls stopped growing,
 > she'd be the tallest one forever.
 >
 > "That's something I want in on," Yukari insisted.

    Yep.

 > "Sorry, you're too old," Kimura told her,
 >
 > The declaration made Yukari scream in rage. She turned to Nyamo. "Come
 > on,
 > we have to kick his ass!"

    I keep SAYING, just give her a car.  And stand back.  WAY back.  Like, 
say, AlphaCent.

 > "He's the one paying us!" Nyamo pointed out.
 >
 > Yukari suddenly became shifty. "Oh, are you saying you want him to
 > succeed?
 > How easy do you think it's going to be for us to get boyfriends when
 > we have
 > to compete against a world full of women trapped in teenage bodies?"

    The scary thing about this fic is that Yukari keeps making sense.  In a 
weird, twisty, bizzaro-logic sort of way.

 > Nyamo's look of anger now matched Yukari's. "You're right! We have to
 > stop
 > his abominable plan!"
 >
 > Kimura, sensing the tide turning against him, turned to his minions. "You
 > must protect me."
 >
 > Yomi stopped running. "No can do, since I'm Gluttony, I must be too
 > fat to
 > help you out," she venomously spat.

    Ah, the worm turns.

 > "And I'm too envious to help anybody," Tomo added.
 >
 > "I'm so proud of my abilities, I don't need to use them to prove
 > anything to
 > anyone," Kagura said.
 >
 > "Don't even think about it," Kaorin warned when Kimura turned her way.

    And keeps right on turnin'...

 > Osaka said. "I'll help out." Her latest attempt at anger made her look
 > like
 > she was constipated.
 >
 > Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out,
 > "Is it
 > so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!"
 >
 > There was a resounding chorus of '"Yes!" and he found himself buried
 > under a
 > wave of changing matter courtesy of four alchemists.
 >
 > Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 >
 > [END FIC}

 > Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I
 > like
 > Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and vinegar,
 > once
 > you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad ideas like this
 > rest
 > in peace.

    You *do* realize that you're just encouraging the people who have a 
masochistic enoyment of impossible challenges, don't you?  (:)


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