On Wed, 2 Feb 2005 14:51:24 -0600, Cute Neko Hibiki
<banksw@bellsouth.net> wrote:
Fox? Is that you?
Disclaimer at bottom to avoid giving away surprise crossover.
This should be interesting
Now I am out here in a deserted area waiting. Naru was kidnapped and
the kidnapper said to meet him out here or Naru would die. Now I don't
really like Naru, she's always attacking me lately, but I don't want her
to die either.
'deserted area' sounds rather vague. Why not 'darkened alley' or
'abandoned warehouse'?
"I see you arrived here after all. Hmmm. Truth to tell I thought you
would be too much a coward to show up here Urashima." he said to me.
here Urashima." he --> here, Urashima," he
Double-comma-attack!
I faced him and said "Where is Naru! I demand you show her to me!
Otherwise I will assume she is dead and leave to get the cops!"
said, "Where
Also, this speech is a bit odd for Keitaro. I would expect him to (at
least try) say something along the lines of avenging Naru instead of
mentioning the cops.
Then again, this could have something to do with the mystery element
of the crossover, which I am not yet aware of.
:D
"No need to involve them in this kid. She's right here." he said
gesturing to behind the tree. He reached out and pulled her into my view,
then said "See, she's alive... and quite feisty too." he added the last
part when she kicked him in the shin strongly.
this kid --> this, kid
here." he --> here," he
Tree? What tree? (Did I miss it?)
"She's quite the spitfire heh?" he said. "Maybe when I've killed you
I'll have my way with her, before she is dead." he said laughing loudly like
a strong bully.
dead." he --> dead," he
I would also change 'laughing loudly like a strong bully' to 'with a
menacing laugh', or the like. 'like a strong bully' doesn't flow as
well....
I looked to Naru who was tied up and gagged. She glared back at me, no
doubt thinking this was all my fault in some way.
Naru who --> Naru, who
"Don't worry, I'll get you out of this." I said to her. She just glared
even more, very angrily.
this." I --> this," I
(Commas when leading into/out of dialogue. Unless it actually ends
the sentence.)
I looked to him and said "I will free her when I kill you."
said "I --> said, "I
He laughed and said "You?! You'll kill me?! You haven't got the strength
to kid."
Same, so I'd just go through the entire thing and look for this
specific type of typo.
He was interrupted by Naru who had managed to get her gag loose.
Naru who --> Naru, who
"Urashima!" she yelled. "This is all your fault! When I get loose I am
going to use my fist and beat you completely senseless you little stupid
pervert, you deserve it!"
Usually Naru saves this until after Keitaro's accidenally groped her,
or otherise said/done something wrong.
I looked at her and asked "How is it my fault?"
She just looked at me and yelled "It always is your fault!"
I looked at my opponent. "You replaced Naru with a carboard cut-out."
My opponent shuffled his feet nervously, and then said, "You can take
the batteries out of the voice-unit, but I thought--"
"I'll fight you for it," I said instantly. "That's way less hassle
than the real Naru."
My opponent chuckled and said "You're risking your life to save this
girl and she yells at you, blames you, and will probably attack you at the
very first chance she gets? Why? Why risk your life for this girl?"
Yeah. If I were Keitaro, I'd look for the real Naru, not this
anger-elemental given human form.
He laughed and then Naru interrupted him again and yelled "When I get
out of here I am going to tell all the girls what a lousy, stupid, worthless
pervert you happen t'be!"
See?
He motioned me to the center of the area, well away from the exits,
fences, and Naru. I went with him and hoped Naru wouldn't get killed by
my failing. I looked back at her, then forward.
I'd switch 'area' for 'arena', but that's just me. 'Arena' is a fun word....
Also, how is Naru behind Keitaro if the enemy is in front of him, and
just clubbed Naru on the back of the head? Either he moved, and you
didn't show it, or I missed something. Or he's got really long reach.
I privately thought that his was the name that would be remembered, when
I won.
Personally, I think Keitaro should just shrug, and think, "It was kind
of him to make such an offer. His name wouldn't stick with me for
more than a handful of days."
<I'm not good at fight scenes but I will try to put one here soon>
o_o
This scene needs work.
^_~
I drew my sword high for the last swing of this battle we have had.
This sentence is a bit clumsy. Why not give it a little more attention?
I shouted out loudly and clearly so Draven-Cla would hear "THERE CAN BE
ONLY ONE!"
<scene of special lightning effects here too>
Ah. Now, see, this is (potentially) the most critical segment of the
cross-over right here. This is where the reader gets the impact ...
but instead of reading the quote (which you might want to move after
the quickening), they get <scene goes here>. Definately this is a
part which deserves a bit of attention.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the creature at me. "THE TIME HAS COME FOR
YOUR LINE AND MY MASTER TO DO BATTLE AGAIN. A HUNDRED YEARS HAVE PAST AND HE HAS AWOKEN."'
That's odd. I always got the idea that Dracula tried to ignore the
Belmonts, but they always ended up attacking him before he could (for
example) enslave/destroy all humanity. I would think that the sacred
duty would involve a lot more of the Belmont clan watching over the
castle and Alucard's tomb (or wherever that guy went) since he's an
ally, and a good one at that.
"COME TO THE CASTLE LAST OF YOUR BLOODLINE KEITARO URASHIMA."
"OR SHOULD I TRUTHFULLY SAY KEITARO BELMONT."
Hm. Does this mean he was adopted before his 'parents' had Kanako?
And with that Death flew away with Naru to Castlevania, the castle of
his clan's ancient enemy, the castle of vampire Dracula.
The story of the Belmont clan was that they had a lot of drive, and
genuinely abhored evil. Beyond that, they don't (generally; Maria
did, but Maria was not a Belmont) have special powers, just the weapon
that they were given by an angel (retconned into an alchemist.
Whatever. >_<). The only Belmont I can think of that was an exception
to this would be ... Richter. And Richter had the Weapon Crush.
A highlander with those abilities would have won the tournement
immediately. I can kind of see Keitaro and the thousand-and-one
knives, or the Agunea, but still.... Outside of those two people, the
Belmont line doesn't really stack up to highlander-style immortals.
All in all ... if you're continuing this fic, I'll probably follow it,
as I'm curious ... but you'll need to get those missing scenes in. ;)
Good luck!