Fusions That Should Never Be V

Full Metal Azumanga

Oh God. XD

Yes, folks, it�s that time again when we force our minds to wrap around
a concept that should never have been conceived of in the first place.
Once more we deal with two series that should never have anything to do
with one another being jammed together in impossible ways under no
greater premise than �Cause I think it�s neat.� Once again I shall
highlight the futility of such actions by writing in futility. At least
with more futility than usual.

Can we get a link to your futility utility?

Minamo �Nyamo� Kurosawa tapped her foot impatiently, the echoes bouncing
off the lab walls, as she stared at her watch. Where the hell was
Yukari? It was already mid-afternoon, and she still hadn�t shown up for
guard duty. For Yukari�s sake, the boss had better not show up, or else
she might find herself unemployed yet again. She was lucky the Fuhrer
hadn�t had her executed instead of settling for firing for her

missed a 'her' here, as hard as that may be to believe

Nyamo felt a headache coming on. �Don�t you think that since the boss
felt compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual
secrecy of the base?�

It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.

Naturally.

Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. �That�s your fault!

�How is it my fault?�

�You jinxed us with what you said!�

She has a point.

Yukari suddenly became serious as well. �All right, here�s what we�ll
do. You transmute the floor into flypaper, causing our foe to stick to

 it.�

Nyamo nodded. �Right. What will you be doing?�

Yukari raised her own white-gloved hand, a similar symbol etched on the
palm. �The most important task of all: getting reinforcements.� She
turned and ran.

Typical.

�I�ll make sure its clear!� Yukari shouted as she threw open the door
and bolted through it. She didn�t make it more than a step inside when
she hit her head against a metal barrier just beyond the doorframe. She
fell backward and onto her behind, holding her head and wincing. �See?
It�s not clear. Good thing I checked.�

*snrk* She EARNED that one.

Yukari looked up to see what she had run in to. It was not a wall,
merely someone in a suit of huge armor that was almost as wide as she
was tall. It was gigantic, like a walking tank, with a demonic faceplate
that had curling ram�s horns on the sides and red eyes whose crimson
glow would be more appropriate in the pits of hell than on any mortal

being.

Hmm. Wonder who's playing the part of Al today...I have my hunches.

Nyamo drew back in horror. �Oh no! It�s the military�s infamous prodigy
transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!�

,,,heh. I half saw that coming--I knew Chiyo was going to be one or the
other. Casting her as Ed makes more sense.

Chiyo winced. �Would you mind not calling me that? I�m not that short.�

Yeah, right.

Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the
armored figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. �Then
this must be the Chibi Alchemist�s partner, the most horrifying,
fearsome, deadliest being to ever walk the face of the planet, �Death
Machine� Sakaki.�

Okay, I was WAY off on that. I had my money on Osaka.

The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to its face. �Does
this make me look less fearsome?� it asked hopefully.

�It makes you look worse!� Yukari screeched.

*SNRK*

The armored figure�s shoulder slumped and, impossibly, a look of
depression crossed its features as it tossed the mask aside.

Awww.

Chiyo was quick to come to her partner�s defense. �Sakaki has never
killed anyone. And its not her fault her soul is bound in such a
fearsome looking armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our
teacher went insane and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was
intended to transmutation of the entire class. Things went out of
control. I was only able to save Sakaki and we barely escaped with out
lives. The rest of our friends died.� Chiyo sniffled at the memory.

�Death Machine� Sakaki walked over to the Chibi Alchemist and placed a
comforting hand on her shoulder.

That helped boost Chiyo�s morale. �Now Sakaki and I walk the lands,
righting wrongs and trying to find the Philosopher�s Stone so I can give
Sakaki back her body.�

Gee, that was a lot of exposition in a damn big hurry. XD

Yukari regained her composure and returned to her feet, to stand
side-by-side with Nyamo. She laughed confidently as though she were
confronting a child. One that couldn�t blow her up with a wave of the
hand, to be specific. �Bah, you�re nothing more than a dog of the

military.�

�Dog of the military?� Sakaki asked. She was suddenly overcome with the
idea of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her

head.

*groan*

Chiyo said, �You were known as the �Crash Dummy Alchemist.� Everyone ran
away from you only when you were in a vehicle, and that was because you
were likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You
were kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer�s car with
a tank, while he was still in it.�

*SNRK* SO believable. XD

�But I�m still one of the best there is.� She pulled a coin from out of
her pocket and tossed it in the air. She caught it, simultaneously
snapping her fingers. Instantly the coin was transformed into a
miniature figure of ice that rested on the back of her hand. �Now you
see how I earned the title, �The Ice Maiden Alchemist�.�

I doubt THAT'S what earned her the name...

Chiyo continued. �But can you answer me something? What does Colonel
Mustang mean when he says he was able to �melt the Ice Maiden by putting
some fire inside her?� I overheard him saying that to some of the guys,
but when I asked him what he meant, he just laughed nervously and said
he�d tell me when I got older.�

*SNRK* Good one XD

�Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting
about working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade
alchemist who was studying the Philosopher�s Stone.�

Yukari stared levelly at Nyamo.

�What the hell are you looking at me for?!� Nyamo shouted, �You�re the
one that goes out drinking every night!�

�Pointing fingers after the fact is pointless,� Yukari said
philosophically.

Especially when you know you're guilty and don't want to admit it.

Chiyo�s surprise turned to disgust. �You�re not my father. You�re my old
high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei.�

�That�s all right; you can still call me Daddy.�

*SHUDDER*

WRONG. JUST. VERY. VERY. WRONG.

�It doesn�t matter! High school girls are high school girls!� Kimura
shouted.

So true...so very true...

�I made them homunculi.�

*FACEFAULT*

Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. �The heck we
are. Out of all of us, only Kaorin�s ever looked at another girl.�

*TRIPLE FACEFAULT*

Osaka pondered that. �Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to
change sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?�

Very nice bit of Osaka logic. :)

Tomo scrunched her face at that. �I don�t want to be Greed. I want to be
Pride.�

Kimura said, �You want to be Pride?�

�Yes.�

�Then you�re Envy.�

*SNRK* Good one. :)

While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to
Yomi. �This is Gluttony.�

�Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!� Yomi shouted.

NO COMMENT

Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. �This is Ditziness.�

�Ditziness isn�t a sin,� Chiyo pointed out.

�None of the standard ones fit, so I made one up,� Kimura admitted.

Actually, Sloth sorta fits...actually, more than *sorta*, when you get right
down to it...

Tomo smirked at Yomi. �I�m envious of your ability to pack down food
like an elephant.�

*snicker*

�Scary how much they seem like the real thing, isn�t it?� Chiyo asked
Sakaki.

The armored could only nod in agreement.

Missing word there

�Because I like High School girls. All of them, in every shape and size.
But they eventually grow up and stop being high school girls. That is
unacceptable. With the Philosopher�s Stone, I can freeze high school
girls� age, making them high school girls for the rest of their lives.�

I like this idea.

Yukari suddenly became shifty. �Oh, are you saying you want him to
succeed? How easy do you think it�s going to be for us to get boyfriends
when we have to compete against a world full of women trapped in teenage
bodies?�

Nyamo�s look of anger now matched Yukari�s. �You�re right! We have to
stop his abominable plan!�

Heheheheheh.

Osaka said. �I�ll help out.� Her latest attempt at anger made her look
like she was constipated.

Oh, she's actually constipated. For real. Really.

Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out, �Is
it so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!�

Hell no!

There was a resounding chorus of ��Yes!� and he found himself buried
under a wave of changing matter courtesy of four alchemists.

Heheheheheh.

Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I
like Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and
vinegar, once you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad
ideas like this rest in peace.

Indeed. But hey, it was great for a quick romp into the weird. XD

Do AzuNaruto next!! ^_^

==============================
"Capitalization is the difference between
 'I helped my uncle Jack off a horse' and
 'I helped my uncle jack off a horse'."
==============================
The Eternal Lost Lurker
(This space for rent)
www.lurkerdrome.com



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