>    He laughed and said "You?! You'll kill me?! You haven't got the 
 >strength to kid."

That�s what he thinks.  Lets see him survive having large parts of large 
buildings literally throwing themselves at him.  Giant Onion attack!

 >    "Urashima!" she yelled. "This is all your fault! When I get loose I am
 >going to use my fist and beat you completely senseless you little stupid
 >pervert, you deserve it!"

Demonic Naru, she�s even more extreme then the caricatured anime 
version.  I�m hoping a reason shows up for this later.

 >    He laughed and then Naru interrupted him again and yelled "When I get
 >out of here I am going to tell all the girls what a lousy, stupid, 
worthless
 >pervert you happen t'be!"

Okay who is this person and what did you do with Naru?

 >    I privately thought that his was the name that would be 
remembered, >when I won.

 >    We arrived in the center and drew our swords.

Well he did get good enough to keep up with Motoko when he came back 
from America and has only shown he�s gotten significantly more powerful 
since.  On the other hand this doesn�t seem to be post Volume 11.

 >I shouted out loudly and clearly so Draven-Cla would hear "THERE CAN 
 >BE ONLY ONE!"

�
So does this mean we�ll be seeing Mutsumi collecting heads?  How about 
Kanako, is powerful girl going to show up to defend the family line?  Is 
Seta going to be a immortal?  Or even grandma Hina, it is always 
indicated she is someone powerful enough you simply don�t mess with.

 >    What I saw made my blood run cold. Naru was in the talons of
 >a creature I had hoped never to see. My other secret had just reared
 >(it's:its) ugly head and come home to roost.

 >    "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the creature at me. "THE TIME >HAS 
COME FOR YOUR LINE AND MY MASTER TO DO BATTLE >AGAIN. A HUNDRED YEARS 
HAVE PAST AND HE
 >HAS AWOKEN."

This seems a rather clich� way to get him to come, especially done twice 
in a row.

 >    "COME TO THE CASTLE LAST OF YOUR BLOODLINE KEITARO >URASHIMA."

 >    "OR SHOULD I TRUTHFULLY SAY KEITARO BELMONT."

 >    And with that Death flew away with Naru to Castlevania, the castle of
 >his clan's ancient enemy, the castle of vampire Dracula.


I'm not seeing how it's advantageous to be basing this off of Love Hina 
as opposed to something else, personally.  Unless the other characters 
get involved, in character, it could just as easily be done better with 
something else.  It could work, just as is it's not so easy to see, but 
then it can take a few chapters in for such things to fully develop.

Other then Naru being badly caricatured, the somewhat cliche set ups, 
and a lack of fleshing out on certain fronts it is not that bad.  Some 
more work put into it should certainly improve it.

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'