Fusions That Should Never Be V

Full Metal Azumanga

(A Full Metal Alchemist/Azumanga Daioh fusion)





Yes, folks, it's that time again when we force our minds to wrap around a 
concept that should never have been conceived of in the first place. Once 
more we deal with two series that should never have anything to do with one 
another being jammed together in impossible ways under no greater premise 
than 'Cause I think it's neat.' Once again I shall highlight the futility of 
such actions by writing in futility. At least with more futility than usual.



Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at

sommer@3rdm.net



All of my fics are stored at the following:



Larry F's new address at:

http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/d_b_sommer/index.html



And also Angcobra is now storing fics, at

http://www.hostultra.com/~AngCobraFics/dbsommer.html



At fanfiction.net:

http://www.fanfiction.net/



Or R+C books at:

http://www.fanworks.org



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



Minamo "Nyamo" Kurosawa tapped her foot impatiently, the echoes bouncing off 
the lab walls, as she stared at her watch. Where the hell was Yukari? It was 
already mid-afternoon, and she still hadn't shown up for guard duty. For 
Yukari's sake, the boss had better not show up, or else she might find 
herself unemployed yet again. She was lucky the Fuhrer hadn't had her 
executed instead of settling for firing for her incompetence. But maybe 
Nyamo was an even bigger idiot for letting Yukari talk her into resigning 
her own commission with the army and joining up with this renegade 
alchemist. She just knew it was going to turn around and bite her in the 
ass, like all of Yukari's other 'brilliant ideas'. It was only a matter of 
time.



A sound caught Nyamo's attention. She prepared to bring up the Alchemy 
circle she had etched into the palm of her glove when a yawning, sleepy-eyed 
Yukari trudged into the room.



"Morning" Yukari waved.



"It's the middle of the afternoon!" Nyamo spat.



That accusation aroused Yukari's irritation. "You know, that sort of mean 
attitude is exactly why I don't wear a watch. You don't see me snapping at 
people because they're a little late, now do you."



"That's because no one is ever later than you," Nyamo pointed out. "You're 
going to get fired one of these days."



"Ha! As if that'll ever happen," Yukari scoffed. "You've seen the boss's 
other assistants. We're the only remotely competent people around. He needs 
us."



"I agree with everything but the 'we' part regarding competence around 
 here."



Yukari slapped Nyamo affectionately on the shoulder. "Come on, lighten up. 
It's not like it matters when we show up. Guarding this place is the 
cushiest job in the world. After all, this is a 'secret base', emphasis on 
secret. That means no one knows its here. If no one knows its here, then 
they can't attack it and we won't be guarding it against anyone."



Nyamo felt a headache coming on. "Don't you think that since the boss felt 
compelled to hire us, he might be concerned about the actual secrecy of the 
base?"



It was then a far wall to the lab exploded.



Yukari pointed an accusatory finger at Nyamo. "That's your fault!



"How is it my fault?"



"You jinxed us with what you said!"



Nyamo brought her hands up, preparing her alchemy sigil. She wanted to use 
it against Yukari, but professionalism reared its ugly head and instead she 
pointed toward the cloud of dust kicked up by the exploding wall.



Yukari suddenly became serious as well. "All right, here's what we'll do. 
You transmute the floor into flypaper, causing our foe to stick to it."



Nyamo nodded. "Right. What will you be doing?"



Yukari raised her own white-gloved hand, a similar symbol etched on the 
palm. "The most important task of all: getting reinforcements." She turned 
and ran.



Nyamo ground her teeth in frustration at once again being left to hold the 
fort. She turned to see Yukari had already made it more than halfway across 
the room. "That's not the way to the lab! That's the emergency escape door!"



"I'll make sure its clear!" Yukari shouted as she threw open the door and 
bolted through it. She didn't make it more than a step inside when she hit 
her head against a metal barrier just beyond the doorframe. She fell 
backward and onto her behind, holding her head and wincing. "See? It's not 
clear. Good thing I checked."



Yukari looked up to see what she had run in to. It was not a wall, merely 
someone in a suit of huge armor that was almost as wide as she was tall. It 
was gigantic, like a walking tank, with a demonic faceplate that had curling 
ram's horns on the sides and red eyes whose crimson glow would be more 
appropriate in the pits of hell than on any mortal being.



While Yukari stared in awestruck horror, at the far end of the room, the 
dust began to settle and a person emerged from the hole in the wall and 
walked into the room. It was an extremely short figure, dressed in a red 
overcoat and a black suit. The silver chain of a small watch was visible in 
one pocket. Twin pig tails could be seen bouncing up and down in conjunction 
with the movement, their light red color showing up as she walked into the 
light.



Nyamo drew back in horror. "Oh no! It's the military's infamous prodigy 
transmuter, Chiyo Elric, The Chibi Alchemist!"



Chiyo winced. "Would you mind not calling me that? I'm not that short."



Yukari said, "You're the shortest ten year old I've ever seen. You'd be 
short even for a midget."



Chiyo's face turned red as she trembled in anger.



Before she could shout out a retort, Yukari turned to look at the armored 
figure that had moved past the doorway and into the room. "Then this must be 
the Chibi Alchemist's partner, the most horrifying, fearsome, deadliest 
being to ever walk the face of the planet, 'Death Machine' Sakaki."



The armored figure raised a yellow smiley face mask to its face. "Does this 
make me look less fearsome?" it asked hopefully.



"It makes you look worse!" Yukari screeched.



The armored figure's shoulder slumped and, impossibly, a look of depression 
crossed its features as it tossed the mask aside.



Chiyo was quick to come to her partner's defense. "Sakaki has never killed 
anyone. And its not her fault her soul is bound in such a fearsome looking 
armor. We were just normal alchemy students until our teacher went insane 
and tried to perform a forbidden ritual that was intended to transmutation 
of the entire class. Things went out of control. I was only able to save 
Sakaki and we barely escaped with out lives. The rest of our friends died." 
Chiyo sniffled at the memory.



'Death Machine' Sakaki walked over to the Chibi Alchemist and placed a 
comforting hand on her shoulder.



That helped boost Chiyo's morale. "Now Sakaki and I walk the lands, righting 
wrongs and trying to find the Philosopher's Stone so I can give Sakaki back 
her body."



Yukari regained her composure and returned to her feet, to stand 
side-by-side with Nyamo. She laughed confidently as though she were 
confronting a child. One that couldn't blow her up with a wave of the hand, 
to be specific. "Bah, you're nothing more than a dog of the military."



"Dog of the military?" Sakaki asked. She was suddenly overcome with the idea 
of becoming a cute little puppy with an olive green beret on her head.



 Yukari continued, "Oh ho, ho. I'm afraid you've bitten off more than you 
can chew, runt."



Chiyo scowled at the insult.



Yukari paid no heed. "I was in the military as well. An alchemist, in fact. 
All the soldiers and other alchemists ran away from me in terror. I once 
cowed the Fuhrer himself without even trying. I left because I determined 
the military was no longer worthy of my abilities, so I went freelance, 
where there's real money to be made. And you think you can challenge me, one 
who could appropriately be called 'The God of Alchemists'?"



Chiyo said, "You were known as the 'Crash Dummy Alchemist.' Everyone ran 
away from you only when you were in a vehicle, and that was because you were 
likely to run them over, not because of your powers in alchemy. You were 
kicked out of the military when you ran over the Fuhrer's car with a tank, 
while he was still in it."



"The gear shift was stuck," Yukari defended.



Nyamo stepped in front of Yukari. "Unlike my companion, I'm actually pretty 
good. I was one of the best alchemists in the military until I listened to 
some bad advice and quit." She stared pointedly at Yukari. "But I'm still 
one of the best there is." She pulled a coin from out of her pocket and 
tossed it in the air. She caught it, simultaneously snapping her fingers. 
Instantly the coin was transformed into a miniature figure of ice that 
rested on the back of her hand. "Now you see how I earned the title, 'The 
Ice Maiden Alchemist'."



Chiyo scratched her head for a moment, muttering "Ice Maiden Alchemist," 
several times. Eventually, she stopped scratching and smiled at Nyamo. "I've 
heard of you. The men at headquarters talk about you all the time."



Nyamo smirked at Yukari, who shot daggers back at her.



Chiyo continued. "But can you answer me something? What does Colonel Mustang 
mean when he says he was able to 'melt the Ice Maiden by putting some fire 
inside her?' I overheard him saying that to some of the guys, but when I 
asked him what he meant, he just laughed nervously and said he'd tell me 
when I got older."



Nyamo blushed furiously while Yukari began laughing her head off. "It's not 
important." Nyamo said quickly.



Chiyo added, "I asked Lieutenant Hawkeye, but she wouldn't answer. She just 
pulled out her gun and started playing with the slide, muttering something 
about human target practice." Chiyo shuddered. "I don't ask her questions 
anymore."



"She is scary," Nyamo agreed, suddenly remembering why it was so easy for 
Yukari to talk her into resigning from the military.



Chiyo cleared her throat. "In any case, I discovered rumors about a renegade 
alchemist trying to create the Philosopher's Stone out here and I've come to 
put a stop to him, as well as look over his notes and see if they can help 
in my own research."



"How did you find out about this place?" Yukari asked. "It's supposed to be 
secret."



"Apparently some woman got really drunk the other day and was shouting about 
working at a secret base up here in the hills with a renegade alchemist who 
was studying the Philosopher's Stone."



Yukari stared levelly at Nyamo.



"What the hell are you looking at me for?!" Nyamo shouted, "You're the one 
that goes out drinking every night!"



"Pointing fingers after the fact is pointless," Yukari said philosophically. 
"We have to stop these two."



"Right." Nyamo said, dropping the ice figure and preparing to fight.



Yukari nodded. "Good. You hold them off, while I go for reinforcements." 
Nyamo snagged her by the back of the shirt, before she could try to escape 
again.



It was at that moment that a large section of the ceiling suddenly began 
lowering itself down into the room. It stopped after it had descended about 
halfway. On its surface were some lab equipment and a railing to look over 
into the room. Standing next to the railing was a man in a white lab jacket, 
surrounded by five figures that remained in the shadows. Light gleamed off 
the man's glasses, as he looked down into the room.



Chiyo and Sakaki both gasped. "It can't be."



The man said, "But it is Chiyo-chan. It is. At long last we are reunited, 
daughter!"



Chiyo's surprise turned to disgust. "You're not my father. You're my old 
high school alchemy teacher, Kimura Sensei."



"That's all right; you can still call me Daddy."



"No way!"



Kimura clapped his hands in glee, "I see my plans are working. High School 
girls are already flocking to me for my treatment."



"Actually they're intruders that are here to stop you," Nyamo explained.



"It doesn't matter! High school girls are high school girls!" Kimura 
shouted.



Chiyo was teary-eyed. "Why did you do it, sensei? Why did you try to perform 
that forbidden experiment on the class?"



"For this reason!" Kimura waved the figures surrounding him forward. They 
did so, stepping into the light.



"It can't be," Sakaki gasped.



"Our friends!" Chiyo shouted as she saw Tomo, Yomi, Osaka, Kagura, and even 
Kaorin up there, dressed in their high school uniforms as though they were 
ready to attend school. "I thought you were all dead! I saw you broken down 
into your material components and sucked through a portal."



"They were," Kimura informed her. "But I brought them back. Well, 
technically I recreated them, but it's pretty much the same thing"



"How?"



"I made them homunculi."



That caught Tomo's attention. "Homunculi? I'm no homunculi."



"Yes you are."



"No I'm not," Tomo insisted.



"Yes, you are. You all are."



Tomo placed her hands on her hips and confidently boasted. "The heck we are. 
Out of all of us, only Kaorin's ever looked at another girl."



Kaorin blushed furiously.



Chiyo laughed uneasily. "Actually, he means you're artificial humans, and 
not real ones at all. It doesn't mean you like girls."



Osaka pondered that. "Artificial humans? Does that mean if I were to change 
sand into sugar, it would be artificial sugar?"



"Um, I don't know," Chiyo admitted.



Kimura continued. "And since I recreated them, I have renamed them after the 
seven sins. Behold Pride." He pointed at Kagura.



Kagura scratched her head. "Well, I guess it kind of works. I am pretty 
proud of my athletic prowess."



He pointed at Tomo. "Greed."



Tomo scrunched her face at that. "I don't want to be Greed. I want to be 
Pride."



Kimura said, "You want to be Pride?"



"Yes."



"Then you're Envy."



"What?! I said I wanna be Pride."



"Since you want to be something else, that means you are suffering from the 
sin of Envy."



While Tomo tried wrapping her mind around that one, Kimura turned to Yomi. 
"This is Gluttony."



"Why the hell do I have to be Gluttony?!" Yomi shouted.



Kimura ignored her and turned to Osaka. "This is Ditziness."



"Ditziness isn't a sin," Chiyo pointed out.



"None of the standard ones fit, so I made one up," Kimura admitted.



"I could be Anger." Osaka tried growling in anger, but it was closer to the 
growl one's stomach made when hungry.



Kimura pointed to the last girl. "And Kaorin-chan is Lust, since she lusts 
after me."



"I do not!" Kaorin shouted, darting behind Yomi.



Yomi snarled, "Yeah, that's it, hide behind Gluttony, since she must have a 
big behind because she's Gluttony."



Tomo smirked at Yomi. "I'm envious of your ability to pack down food like an 
elephant."



"Why you!" Yomi went after Tomo, who began running for her life, shouting 
out how envious she was of Yomi's ability to run fast despite her large 
mass."



"Scary how much they seem like the real thing, isn't it?" Chiyo asked 
Sakaki.



The armored could only nod in agreement.



Chiyo shouted over the chaos to Kimura, "Why did you try to transmute the 
class, and why try to create the Philosopher's Stone?"



Kimura, who had to fend off Osaka's attempts to punch him in anger by 
placing his hand on her head and keeping her at arm's length while she swung 
vainly away, said, "Because I need it to change the world."



"How?" Chiyo insisted.



"Because I like High School girls. All of them, in every shape and size. But 
they eventually grow up and stop being high school girls. That is 
unacceptable. With the Philosopher's Stone, I can freeze high school girls' 
age, making them high school girls for the rest of their lives."



"That's terrible," Chiyo said, envisioning herself never getting any taller.



"That's horrible," Sakaki agreed. If all the other girls stopped growing, 
she'd be the tallest one forever.



"That's something I want in on," Yukari insisted.



"Sorry, you're too old," Kimura told her,



The declaration made Yukari scream in rage. She turned to Nyamo. "Come on, 
we have to kick his ass!"



"He's the one paying us!" Nyamo pointed out.



Yukari suddenly became shifty. "Oh, are you saying you want him to succeed? 
How easy do you think it's going to be for us to get boyfriends when we have 
to compete against a world full of women trapped in teenage bodies?"



Nyamo's look of anger now matched Yukari's. "You're right! We have to stop 
his abominable plan!"



Kimura, sensing the tide turning against him, turned to his minions. "You 
must protect me."



Yomi stopped running. "No can do, since I'm Gluttony, I must be too fat to 
help you out," she venomously spat.



"And I'm too envious to help anybody," Tomo added.



"I'm so proud of my abilities, I don't need to use them to prove anything to 
anyone," Kagura said.



"Don't even think about it," Kaorin warned when Kimura turned her way.



Osaka said. "I'll help out." Her latest attempt at anger made her look like 
she was constipated.



Kimura saw the four were about to descend upon him. He shouted out, "Is it 
so wrong to want a world full of high school girls?!"



There was a resounding chorus of '"Yes!" and he found himself buried under a 
wave of changing matter courtesy of four alchemists.



Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



[END FIC}



Yes, as you can clearly see, nothing in common. I like Azumanga. And I like 
Full Metal Alchemist. But they go together as well as oil and vinegar, once 
you transmute the vinegar into helium. Best to let bad ideas like this rest 
in peace.










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